You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

My phone went off; again, it seemed it was all that I had anymore to look forward to. I groaned and looked at the alarm clock, it was only midnight. Who wanted to do things with me at midnight? I was praying it wasn’t Brett, instead it was Kennedy.

“Hey?” I mumbled, the phone was upside down and I had to rearrange it to be able to hear.

“Hey, we need a favor from you.”

“Seriously, Kenny, it couldn’t wait?”

“Not just me, all of us, we can’t get a hold of John, and Jenny called us and she’s a mess, I guess they got into it, and Garrett thinks John might be out drinking, we don’t really know. And Pat said he’d probably be better off seeing you then…”

“Do I have to?” I groaned.

“No, you don’t have to, we’ll figure something out, it just seemed like a better idea.”

I sighed, “Fine, I’ll do it.”

“Alright, well, we’re at Pat’s tonight, and then we have practice in the morning, so you guys can just come over here, you can stay too, if you want.”

“Kay.” I hung up and slumped out of bed, pulling on a pair of pants and reaching for my keys. I had a good inkling to where he was, and it wasn’t out drinking. There was a small park down the road from John’s parents’ house; it was a few streets down. We always went to it as a bit of a get away from our parents, and eventually would spend nights sneaking out to meet up there.

Sure enough, I walked into the park and could see the familiar lanky frame of his, standing up on the hill behind the basketball court. I tried to walk quietly, but in an attempt to stay on my feet once I hit the hill, I had to slide and run at the same time. John spun around, but calmed down once he saw who it was, reaching out a hand to help me up. I gripped his wrist with one hand, while trying to steady myself with the other. He grabbed for me with the other hand and pulled me up. We’d rolled down the hill a number of times and not hurt anything, but it was a good dozen or so feet up off the ground. Once steady on the top, he took a seat and patted the spot next to him. I sat down, staring up at the sky. From the very top of the hill, it felt like you were bigger then everything, no problems or complications could really mess with you, you could handle it all. I was starting to zone out in my own thoughts when John put his hood down, turning to me.

“The guys sent you, huh?” He gave me a weak smile, his eyes were puffy, and he was a bit of a mess himself.

“Yeah, but they didn’t know you’d be here, that was kind of just me on that part.” I shivered a bit, and John pulled me into him.

“I just needed time alone, you know? I never get that any more. Not like I would trade the guys for anything at all, I love them. It’s just some days I can’t handle everything and it seems no one cares enough to just leave me alone sometimes. It’s either the guys, or Jenny, or the crew, or the merch guys, or the recording label, or my family or the tons of fans…” He trailed off, gazing up at the sky.

“I can’t say I understand.” I bit my lip.

“And that makes me really, really jealous of you. Like, you live totally alone, and you don’t have to depend on everyone else, and have to wait for approval, you just do things.”

“It’s really not that great, being stuck with your own thoughts all the time. I mean, I know there’s times when everyone wants to be alone, but all the time isn’t…I don’t know…probably isn’t healthy. Besides, you’re a lot better off where you’re at now…It’s what you always wanted.”

John laughed quietly and ruffled my hair. “Yeah…We should probably go though…before we get caught up here, or before you freeze to death.” I raced towards the end of the hill, but John made it there before I could. He took longer strides then I did, and naturally was usually faster then me.

The car ride wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t full of conversation either. I drove, and he sat and played with the radio, and that was about all there was to it. Turning down Pat’s street, one of his neighbors was having a party, and I had absolutely no where to park, and had to go an entire street down. I got out of the car, and walked over to the other side where John was. He stopped me and put his wrists on my shoulders.

“I need to...I have to tell you something okay?” His green eyes pierced through me.

“Yeah, go ahead…” I gave him a confused look, waiting, slightly worried, for him to speak.

“I…you know what, never mind, it’s not that important.” He dropped his arms and continued to walk.

“Are you sure…?” I touched his wrist lightly; a bit unsure of what was going on.

“Yeah, it’s really nothing.” His mouth said one thing but his eyes said something totally different. “…You want a ride to Pat’s?” He questioned, bending his knees a little. I backed up, and jumped, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck and my legs rubbed against his sides. His hands automatically gripped my thighs, holding me up. He tossed me up a bit higher, and I loosened my grip around his neck, laying my head against his as his feet hit the ground and I bounced a bit. Tonight seemed different, John seemed different, it was like everything had been rewound and replayed and we were suddenly nicer, more open, like when we were younger. Very much unlike now, when it was game after game, and who can hurt who worse. My eyes closed halfway, and I fought to keep them open, but the constant motion, and the heat coming from John’s body was winning me over. He turned his head, nudging me a bit.

“Hm, what?” I mumbled, readjusting myself, and laying my head back down.

He laughed softly. “I asked if you were falling asleep back there.”

I nuzzled my face into his shoulder, “Was, sorry.”

“No, it’s fine.” The movement stopped and I looked up, we were in front of Pat’s. I sighed, peeling myself from John and he released my legs, letting me drop down. John pushed open the front door and all of the guys jumped, especially Pat, considering they were watching some zombie movie. John gave them a small wave and mumbled about going to sleep. I stood there, not knowing exactly what to do, when Johns arm struck out and grabbed onto my shirt, pulling me with him. I stumbled along, following him past the kitchen, a bathroom, and finally into a spare room. “They’ll probably sleep out there…” He trailed off and I shrugged, grabbing an extra blanket off the bed and lying on the floor as John shut the door tight. “You’re really going to sleep on the floor?” He questioned, his voice had strangeness to it, which I couldn’t really figure out.

“I didn’t think you’d approve to me crawling in with you…” I raised an eyebrow at him, and he crawled into the bed, fully clothed, chucking his shoes off first. He flipped off the light and rustled around. I was attempting to drift off when he finally spoke. I opened my eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness.

“So, what’d you and Brett do the other night after the concert…?” He asked.

“Is that really your business?” I sat up and turned towards him.

“I guess not…” He mumbled.

“Alright, you tell me what was so not important earlier, and I’ll answer your question.”

He laughed quietly. “You’ll answer the question and get your ass over here, I’m freezing.”

“Deal.” I agreed, and stood up, wobbling a bit. I felt for the bed, and crawled up on it, straddling John over the blankets. “So what’s this that you have to tell me?” He gripped under my thighs and pulled me closer, sitting up a little, so I was on his upper chest now.

“I…Well…Uhm.” He laughed nervously. “Tonight, I was up there for at least an hour, just thinking about things…” He trailed off, taking my hand and playing with my fingers, twisting my hand this way and that. “And…” His voice came out struggled, weak, quieter than he spoke the rest of them. “I…realized I’m still in love…with you,” he mumbled out, searching for my eyes in the dark. I smiled sweetly, trying to fight the shock that went through my body. I let one hand travel to his face, before playing with his hair. “Now, you have to answer my question.” He struggled to get out, still tongue-tied.

“We didn’t do anything.”

“Nothing, at all? I mean, he wasn’t that bad looking, and he was way too into you…” I slipped off John, pulling his blanket over me, and nuzzled into his chest.

“I’m serious, he invited me in, but I…I said no.”

“Why no?”

“What do you mean why no? I didn’t want to sleep with him.”

“I know that, but why, there’s a reason for why you said no, there’s a reason for everything.” He rubbed my back lightly.

“Uhm, well, I wasn’t into him like that.”

“And…?”

“And you brought up how I say I haven’t had anyone since you, it’s not like I haven’t been wanted, haven’t been taken on dates before, I just didn’t want anyone else. Want to know my reason behind that? Oh yeah, someone promised me once that they’d come back, and had me waiting.” I tried not to get too bitter as I spoke, but it was hard the more the memories came back.

“You could have moved on.” He spoke quietly again, his fingers tangling through my hair. “I wouldn’t have blamed you for it, I moved on...”

I sighed, playing with the buttons on his shirt. “Yeah, I know you did.” I had two buttons on the bottom undone, and was working back up towards the top when he laughed and grabbed my hand.

“If I let you take this off, you have to take off your shirt too.”

“You don’t want me shirtless.” He leaned, his face close to mine.

“You so sure about that?” He breathed out. I just went back to undoing the buttons, before sliding his shirt off him. He tugged at the hem of my shirt and I tried to turn away. He tugged me closer, and pulled it up. I had to sit up, lifting my arms up to allow him to get it over my head. I tried to cuddle back into him, but his hands stopped me, roaming over my torso, before he rolled over on top of me. I held onto his hips, and my body tensed up, a bit unsure at what he was playing at. He laughed softly, tangling our jean covered legs and burying his head into my neck. Every so often he’d let his hand drop and shove against my leg when I’d move it in his way. His fingers roamed over my chest, drawing light circles on my hips, ribs, and lower stomach. I could feel his breath on my skin and I relaxed into him, laying my head on his. John nuzzled into my neck more, letting out a small, barely audible, “Mmmmmmm.”

I pulled the blanket up higher over us, letting my hands drift over his back a little. “Hm?”

“You smell really good.” He mumbled, sleepily.

“Oh, so I always smelled bad up until now?” I rested my hands on his lower back.

“No, you always smelled good, I just…missed it…I guess.” His lips moved against my neck drowsily as he spoke, and his hands stopped moving as his breathing slowed, evident that he was asleep. I did my best to get comfortable, trying not to move him too much, not that I could, he was twice my size, and curled up under him.

I awoke before John, and continued to lie there, struggling against his weight on my chest. I was afraid if I moved too much I’d wake him up, and it was still pretty early in the morning, I always woke up too early. I traced over the ‘V’ tattooed on his left hip with my finger lightly, and he shifted a bit. I quickly removed my hand, but it was too late.

He rolled off me, rubbing his face with his hands. His eyes caught mine and he smiled. “Good morning,” He spoke, his voice a little raw and groggy.

I turned on my side to face him, biting my lip a bit. “Morning.” Even though he wasn’t even touching me, I still felt a tremendous weight on my chest, and my body ached from him lying there the whole night. I had thoughts I needed desperately to talk to John about, but I was too attention starved and he was too attentive for me ruin things already. John leaned over, kissing my forehead lightly, before throwing back the blanket. I gasped as cold air hit my bare chest and John laughed, tossing me my shirt.

“Come on, I want breakfast.” He pushed back his mess of hair, and smiled wider. I tugged my shirt on quickly, running out and sliding across the floor, grabbing his hand. The house was eerily quiet, it was barely eight, and everyone was sleeping still. John repeatedly hushed me, but then made a huge racket getting out frozen waffles and orange juice. He got out a cup, noisily pouring the juice before taking a sip and handing it to me, his waffles in the toaster.

“One cup?” I laughed quietly.

“What? You think I have herpes or something? You sure didn’t ever seem to mind before.” He smirked.

“Of course I don’t care, I just found it funny, and most people get out two cups when they have someone else.” He shrugged and I took a sip, setting it back down. He leaned back against the counter, holding his arms out, and I stepped forward, burying my head in his chest. His arms tightened around me, and his face nuzzled into my hair just as his waffles popped up, making us both jump. He didn’t let go, instead held me closer still, as he took a bite of his waffle, plain. “When do you have to leave?” I spoke quietly, playing with the bottom of his shirt.

He chewed for a second, laughing softly as he tried to clear his mouth. “Well, the next show is…Thursday, so we have to leave really early Monday morning…” He trailed off. Today was Saturday, which gave me barely two days until he’d be gone. I bit my lip hard and he looked down at me, taking another sip of his juice. “Hey, don’t get all upset now, I didn’t…We still have time, alright?” I nodded along, not really enthusiastic about it, and returned my face to his chest. “Hey.” He said quietly, reaching with his hand, tipping my head up to his, running his thumb along the side of my face. What happened next was what I’d spent every waiting on for the longest time, and I prayed nothing would finally interrupt us. John leaned his face down, his breath hitting my face, and his nose slid to the side of mine and down. His eyes drooped close, and he pressed his lips to mine, softly at first, before moving them slowly. My eyes closed, and I reached up to his neck, pulling him down closer to me, as his hand entangled itself in my hair, the other rubbed my hip lightly. My insides completely exploded, it was a rush, but at the same time it all felt like home; he felt like home. My heart was slamming so hard against my rib cage I expected it to fall out to my feet on the floor, which I couldn’t even feel. He pulled his face away from mine, smiling crookedly and biting the edge of his lip a little.

I reached out for his hand, intertwining my fingers with his, kissing the back of it. He tugged me forward by our hands into his chest again. He wrapped his arms tighter than before around me, and nuzzled into my hair. We stood there like that for quite a few minutes, John’s arms tightening and loosening every now and then, but other than that he didn’t seem to want to let go, and neither did I. I pulled my hand from his grip, resting my wrists on his shoulders and he pulled his face out of my hair, instead pressing his forehead against mine. I wasn’t sure whose smile was bigger, but I know mine was competing right along with his.

I heard a loud cough, and John and I separated quickly. I turned around and Pat was there, he gave me a questioning look but dropped it, muttering about how we were so lucky it was him that walked in, and not someone else.

“I love you Pat.” I yelled and clung to his half sleeping body. He grinned and patted my back, waiting for me to uncling so he could pour his cereal. I did, slipping my shoes on.

“Where’re you going?” Pat questioned, eyebrows raised.

“Home? You guys have practice and I don’t want to get in the way, so just call me later alright…?” I looked from Pat to John. John shot Pat a look and trailed after me, making sure to close the front door behind us. It was bright, relatively warm for the morning, and the fact that it was late September. He pulled me into him quickly, kissing my forehead, before dropping all connection with me and looking around.

“So, uhm, how about I come over your place, tomorrow, ay?” He smiled widely at me. “We leave the next morning so I won’t be able to stay long, but at least it’s something right?” He nudged me.

“Mmmhmmm, yeah, something.” I messed up his hair and walked down the street to my car.