You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

John and I were lying on my couch, my head in his lap, while he endlessly twisted through my hair with his fingers. I bit my lip hard, and finally gained the courage to let out what I was thinking. I reached beside me feeling for the remote, and shut off the television, making myself all John could focus on. He looked down at me, a bit confused.

“We need to talk.” I stated simply.

“About?” His fingers continued through my hair.

“This, exactly this. I want to know what it means, and everything.”

“What it means?” John pressed, not totally calm, removing his hands from me. I sat up, making sure to hold eye contact with him.

“You said you still loved me and next thing I know we’re messing around, I just…I was just curious, like, what we are…” I scratched the back of my neck, waiting for the answer. John let out a laugh, and I jumped a bit, not expecting that reaction.

“What we are? We aren’t anything Alex.” He said it so nonchalant, and I wanted anything to wipe that smirk right off his face.

“Then what the hell are we doing?” I exploded, I couldn’t hold it in. “I’m not asking you for anything, John. I’m not even asking you to commit, just to know that maybe there’s something here. Something worth trying or fighting for.”

“So, I start spending time like you want to, finally open up to you, and you suddenly expect me to jump ship and come out to everyone all about you? It’s not all about you Alex, I’m sorry. I have a band and I have a lot to lose by pulling that kind of shit, you knew all of this the first time this happened.” His face turned down into a grimace a bit. “I do really love you though…”

“Then why hide it, why not even make me yours, if you really love me that much?”

“Because last time we tried this, it all became a mess, and two people currently in my band, know a bit too much, because someone couldn’t handle the pressure. Someone couldn’t handle having to be by himself, and not clinging to me constantly.”

“It’s been two years John, I think I’m capable of handling it and I’d stay away this time, I know what I have to do. Just please?” I begged.

John shook his head. “I…I can’t, alright?”

“Whatever, I don’t even care anymore, I don’t want to fight.” I got up, going into my room, and collapsing onto my bed face down. John continued to sit in the other room for a good amount of time until he padded in, standing next to the bed. His tall frame blocked the light coming from the window and I groaned, digging my hands into the mattress and pushing myself up. “What, what do you want now?”

He ran a hand through his hair. “I have to leave, to go pack…” He trailed off. “But, I guess, if you really think you can handle it, you can come along…I’ll have to talk to the guys about it, and you’ll have to help out, it’s not just a free ride, and we’ll probably stick you with driving duty a bit. Kind of have to prove your way again, y’know?”

“So basically I have to be a good little boy for Uncle John?” I laughed, smiling widely.

“However you want to put it.” He rolled his eyes, his hand grabbing the back of my neck gently as he pecked my lips. “I really do have to go though.” He trucked it back out of my apartment, and I heard the door slam shut, getting up to go through my dresser.

I had barely been able to sleep all night, the anticipation of finally getting to go with them eating away at me. But I knew I’d want to just fall over and die considering the twenty some hours of pure driving I had to put up with, just to get to the first show, not even including stops. My alarm clock screamed through the apartment, I’d had to make sure it was overly loud so I’d be up in time. The clock read 5:30 and I wanted to break it and just crawl back into bed. I hadn’t been able to actually fall asleep until it was almost two, and the bags under my eyes proved every bit of it. I unplugged the alarm clock, making sure it wouldn’t continue to go off and trudged back into my room. I tugged on a pair of jeans, a shirt, and a hoodie, making sure to layer up. We were going towards the west coast, and I had absolutely nothing warm, meaning I’d be living out of everyone else’s wardrobes. I’d packed all that I could into two bags; the rest of the garbage in my apartment had been junked. I had my phone and laptop, movies. Things like that, but my lease was up months back, and so it was time to say goodbye anyways. I heaved on one of the bags onto my back, carrying the other and went outside, being sure to slip the keys in my landlord’s mailbox.

It wasn’t mostly that it was freezing out, but the combination of the cold, the darkness, and the time making me shake every time the wind blew. I inhaled the Arizona air, a little sad that I wouldn’t be able to do so for another couple months as the van slowly pulled into the parking lot. John was in the driver’s seat and pulled over, just a few feet away from me. He hopped out, handing me his coffee and the keys.

“I told you, you’d have to work for it.” I nodded. He bent down to grab my other bag, his lips fell over my forehead quickly, the darkness and his height disguising it all. “I’ll try my best to stay up with you a bit; most of the guys are still half-dead passed out. They didn’t think to attempt to sleep before hand, they tend to always just sleep away half the trip when they’re not stuck behind the wheel.”

I smiled, and tugged at his sweatshirt a bit. “Thanks, again.”

“Just don’t mess it up and make me regret it, okay?” He tossed my bags into the back of the van with the rest of their stuff before climbing into the passenger’s seat. I rubbed my eyes hard and climbed into the front seat, having to adjust it from John’s humongous legs having the seat pushed back so far. John turned on some CD they had in the van already on low, most of the guys had headphones is as it was, and turned to stare out the window.

John had fallen asleep multiple times just through my turn of driving, but whenever he’d wake up he’d make sure to check on me. He was constantly offering to take over, constantly asking if I was alright, it started to get a bit much and I would just wait for him to fall back asleep. I’d been driving for the past two hours, and just the first thirty minutes made me want to go back in time and change my mind about working for them. Jared, Pat, and Garrett were awake by now, and John and mine’s eyes were slowly working their way down again, mine were worse then his, considering he slept half of all of this. John and Jared were discussing something, and I was too out of it to really pay attention, just trying to focus on the road before I killed all of us. It wasn’t even scenic, just the same freeway, over and over.

John reached over and touched my elbow softly. “Hey, pull over at the next whatever, Jared said he’ll cover until someone else wants to.” He yawned, smiling at me. I turned onto an exit, swinging into the first parking lot that came up. I hopped out and my legs wobbled a bit from the lack of movement. Everyone got out for a minute or two, Garrett shook Kennedy awake, and then we all had to pile back in. Jared took the driver’s seat next to Pat, and Kennedy and Garrett sat behind them. John nudged me towards the backseat, where it was just me and him. I sat on the opposite side, my eyes drooping the second I sat down, leaning against the window. John seemed to be looking at me every now and then, and I fought to stay awake. He grabbed at my hip, sliding his fingers up under my hoodie and shirt. I pushed his hand down and away, giving him a look. He was the one throwing the fit about how I had to be more independent. I closed my eyes, trying to get comfortable against the side of the van, which was nearly impossible. John hooked his finger through my belt loop and slowly tugged me closer. He leaned against the other window, and I finally gave in, curling up against his side.

When I sat up, everything was a lot brighter then before. John was driving again, and I had been all curled up on Pat.

“Where’re we at?” I mumbled, the words all running together.

“I’m not even sure right now.” Pat yawned.

“Want me to take over, O’Callaghan?” I smirked, knowing he could see me in the mirror.

“Yeah, that’d be nice, considering you slept through the millions of hours when we had to do it all ourselves.”

“Sorry.” I mumbled, switching spots with him when he had pulled over.