You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

I checked my phone, it was already late Tuesday night, and trucking it the way we had been we’d finally made it to Ohio. I had no clue where the time had gone between sleeping and driving and guzzling down cheap coffee from gas stations, before having to stop at the next one to use the bathroom. Once we got to the first venue we were switching to a bus, so I wouldn’t have to continuously drive, which I hoped for like no other. I was in the passenger seat, and Garrett was driving. I yawned and turned the radio station, messing around with my phone.

We finally pulled into the parking lot of the venue at two in the morning, Wednesday, Ohio time. The guys hurried, shoving open the van doors, happy to be out of the car already. A long shiver ran through my body the second I stepped out, the freezing air like a slap to the face.

“God!” I yelled loudly, and John laughed, clapping a hand over my mouth.

“Shhhhh, you’ll get used to it.” He left then, running up the steps to the bus. Kennedy chucked my bags at me.

“You’re going to have to sleep in the back room. Shit falls down in there, so be sure to face away from everything, so at the most it just crushes your legs or something.” He smiled at me politely and I tried to keep the shock inside. I didn’t realize I was still staring at him. “Seriously, face away from it.” I nodded and trudged up the stairs of the bus, pushing through the lounge where the crew was half-zombified, attempting conversation with the boys.

I opened the door to the bunks, earning a few curses, before walking it, closing it, and opening the door to the back room. I tossed my shit down, stripping off my pants, but keeping my hoodie on, I was dying already from the cold. I searched around the room blindly, finding a lightweight blanket that had a bit of a smell to it. I wrinkled my nose and climbed onto the couch, curling up as small as I could, away from anything that could fall and crush me. I heard a loud chorus of “peace” and “later” and “night” and I struggled trying to calm down and fall asleep.
Tossing and turning I sat up, groaning and climbing off the couch. I pondered the thought of going out to get something to drink, or just walking around the lounge until I wasn’t filled with so much energy. I bit my lip hard and dared myself to do it, slowly opening the door to the bunks and tiptoeing through. All I could hear was snoring and I took that as a good sign, hurrying through, and quietly shutting the door that separated them from the rest of the front of the bus.

I stood frozen still, listening to make sure I hadn’t woken anyone up, when a familiar laugh filled my ears. I jumped and stubbed my toe, jumping even more and letting loose a string of curse words. I turned around to find the source of my pain and saw John, sitting up on his laptop in just his boxers, his hair sticking in every direction possible. I half limped over to him, and climbed into his lap, resting my head in the crook of his neck. His arms bent around me, continuing to type for a minute or two before he looked down at me, resting his chin on the top of my head.

“Couldn’t sleep?” He mumbled his voice groggy, overly evident that he was tired.

“No, just excited, I guess.” I tried to read what he was typing, but my sight kept blurring out without my glasses. Driving at night had totally killed my eye sight. I yawned and regretted it, hoping he didn’t catch it, and wouldn’t send me back to the other room.

“Yeah, because you sound real excited.” He mocked, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

I ignored him, shifting a bit. “What time is it, anyway?”

“Like, three something, or some shit.” Now it was his time to yawn, and his arms wrapped around me, pushing the laptop back. “See what you do? I was being all productive and then you come out and make me just want to curl up with you.” He buried his face into my hair.

“S’not my fault, you could have left me at home.” I mumbled into his chest.

“Yeah, and you could be back there sleeping right now.” I sighed and tried to back out of his arms, but they tightened around me, only pulling me closer. He let out a small laugh, and I looked up at him. “I wasn’t saying to go back there.” He kissed my forehead. “I was just saying that’s what you could have done, and not distracted me, but I like it better this way.” I heard footsteps coming, probably before John did, and tugged hard on his arms. He gave me a confused look before the door started moving, and I slid into the seat next to him, as he faked being focused on his laptop. I took whoever’s Gatorade was on the table, praying it was John’s, and drank from it.

It was just Garrett, coming to get a drink. He squinted his eyes at the light and scratched at his head, going towards the fridge. Garrett grabbed a water bottle and eyed me suspiciously. I looked at John and bit my lip.

“You know what…I’m actually pretty exhausted…” I trailed off, setting down the bottle and hurrying towards the bunks. John muttered out a ‘night’ to me, and Garrett nodded my way.

------

There were all sorts of noises coming from the front part of the bus and I turned over, falling off the couch onto the floor of what John liked to call “The Champagne Room”. I scrambled to my feet, running a hand through my hair before pulling on a pair of pants and swapping shirts.

I stumbled into the front, yawning.

“Hey sleeping beauty!” Garrett yelled at me.

“It’s about damn time, I have wanted back there all morning, and the guys kept yelling at me. I am having game withdrawals.” Kennedy glared at me.

“Well actually I thought we could go out for the day…like experience it all before we leave tomorrow night…” Garrett mumbled, twirling his phone between his fingers.

“We’ve been to Ohio before Garrett…” Pat raised his eyebrows suspiciously at Garrett. “You didn’t seem to like it ever before.” Garrett’s face flushed, and he put his sunglasses on, texting someone on his phone. I searched through the fridge, finding a bottle of water all the way in the back and sat on Garrett, so everyone would stop staring at him.

“So are we going to go out or what?” I tried my best to not even look over at John as I spoke. No one answered at first. “Hello, day is wasting away and you guys have a show tomorrow…”

“Do you guys want to…?” John spoke first, and I couldn’t resist, letting my eyes drift over to him. He smiled crookedly at me.

“I already told you guys what I wanted to do today.” Kennedy folded his arms over his chest.

“Kennedy, c’mon, just for one day.” I pleaded, but he fought against it like a two year old.

“Uhm, I want to go out, I guess…” Pat trailed off. Jared and Kennedy were against going for anything.

“Alright then, we’ll go and leave you guys to your games, kay? Kay.” I stood up, and pushed the door open before turning back around and running back up the steps. “Does anyone have an extra jacket?” I looked at my feet, a bit embarrassed.

“Come on,” John motioned, and I followed him back to the bunks, flipping the light on. He slipped off the jacket he was wearing, holding it out to me, and grabbed the hoodie off his bunk, pulling it on.

“Couldn’t you have just done that out there?” I spoke quietly, he smirked.

“Yeah, but I couldn’t do this.” He stepped closer to me, gripping the hair at the back of my neck and pushed his mouth roughly against mine, pressing me up against the bunks. I reacted quickly, gripping his shirt and tugging him down closer to my level. I bit his lip, pulling it into my mouth and dragging my teeth across it slowly. We heard the main door to the bus slam shut, the guys already trying to leave, which meant the other boys would be shoving through the door soon. He pulled away, licking his lips, before bringing them back down on mine, softer this time. I tried to get my arms around him, but he held my wrists back, smiling. “Later, alright?” John winked, and opened the door, leaving me to catch my breath.

I ran a hand through my hair and pulled on his coat, it was a bit big on me, but it smelled like John, and so I kept it on. Jared pushed open the door, making me jump and stop smiling like a love struck idiot. I awkwardly walked past him, taking off and out the entrance to the bus. None of the guys had keys in their hands, so I assumed we were going to end up walking to wherever Garrett was planning on going. Pat started up a conversation with John, and they walked a bit ahead of us. Garrett was behind me, texting someone, who I wasn’t sure.

I stopped, letting Garrett reach where I was at, before trying to talk to him. “So, the girl isn’t from Arizona, I take it?” I nudged him and he blushed.

“No, I met her a few months back, and texts and emails and things only get you so far, y’know? Phone calls are more important to her anyways, and I can’t make those an awful lot because I’m always running all over. I’m not like Pat, with my phone glued to my ear.” He mumbled over half his words, making sure the guys in front of us couldn’t hear.

“And where ever we’re going…she’s going to be there?” I smiled at him.

“Yeah…” He looked to the ground as we continued walking.

“…Can I meet her? I won’t hate on her or anything, I promise to play nice. Hell, just to come I had to promise to play nice.”

“Yeah, you can.” He smiled, a bit more confident. “What? No one even said you were coming, I just remember waking up and you were in the van…”

“Seriously? Because John was a real ass about me coming…and said he had to discuss it with the guys and he wasn’t sure…”

“I don’t remember any conversation like that…sorry.” Garrett’s eyes shifted away the way they did any time I brought up John. I wasn’t sure if he’d ever be totally comfortable about it. My eyes fell to the ground, and I decided it was best we stayed with the subject he was willing to open up about.

“So what’s her na-?” I got caught off guard slamming into something in front of me. John stood in front of me, thinking it’d be funny to stop walking when I wasn’t paying attention. I stumbled back a bit, and he laughed. I glanced at him and gave him a weak smile before turning back to Garrett. “What’s her name?”

He waited until John had turned back to Pat, resuming their conversation. “Her name’s Sarah.” He tried to push up on his sunglasses, which were clearly fine on his face.

“Cute name.” I nodded, smiling politely.

“Yeah, it suits her.” His smile grew and he nitpicked at his clothes.

“You look fine, calm down.” I grabbed his shoulder. I collided with John again and shoved at his back. “The fuck, John.”

“Alright, well if you want to get hit by a car, go right ahead.” He snapped. I looked up and realized we were at an intersection.

“Sorry…” I mumbled.

“Yeah, try paying attention for once.” He spoke, still bitchy, and shot me a look before turning back around. Pat and Garrett let out a joint “Ohhhhhh,” mocking us. Pat pulled open the door to the mall, apparently where they’d decided on going. I followed after Garrett, unzipping John’s jacket. Garrett quickly made an excuse to go to the bathroom, and then said he was going to get something afterwards, and he’d just catch up with us later. I winked and waved at him, and the other two eyed me suspiciously.

I ignored their looks, trying to walk behind Pat and John and just glance around, it was weird being in a different state so far away from home, and the time zones were messing with my head, making me tired all the time.

“Could you not walk behind us? Besides, I’m getting sick of John’s voice.” Pat joked, turning around.

“But there’s such a nice view from back here.” I joked, laughing a bit. John rolled his eyes at me.

“So where do you want to go?” Pat asked John, I walked a bit faster, trying to stand next to Pat, but he made it impossible, making me stand in between the two of them.

John’s eyebrows furrowed while he thought, and then a wide smirk came across his face. “Spencer’s.”

“Seriously? Are we thirteen?” But against anything I said, they both dragged me in there with them.

John and Pats’ eyes were wild, looking all around and nudging each other, pointing at this and that. We were all laughing in our own rights, but it was still totally ridiculous.

“I owe you two birthday presents, don’t I?” John’s smirk grew and I backed up, accidentally bumping into a sex toy display, before moving even farther back.

“Like I’m honestly going to do anything with the stuff in here.” Pat wasn’t near us, over looking at something, I could hear his laugh from where we were. I picked up a whip, hitting John jokingly with it. He turned around shaking his bum, waiting for me to do it again, but I tossed it back onto another display.

“You really should be more open to these things, babe.” He messed my hair with his hand, pointing out such great novelties as thongs with holes cut out for dicks, and blow up dolls, and numerous other things that turned us both into the perverted kids we used to be. Pat walked over, a book in hand holding it out to me, some picture of a position that didn’t even seem humanly possible was on the page, and I tried not to stare too much. I turned around, going back towards the front of the store, John behind me. Pat ran out to answer his phone; I swear it was a rarity to find him off of it ever. I saw the next display and couldn’t stop laughing.

“Oh, my god, seriously? Dick suckers.” I laughed even harder and felt John’s hand entangle itself in the back of my hair.

“Why buy one when I have you.” He smirked, and I tried to fight against how fast my face heated up.

I backed up closer to him. “O’Callaghan, when did you lose all your body shyness? You used to freak out at this kind of stuff.”

He laughed, “Actually, I don’t remember ever being body shy around you.” He nudged my side.

Before I could respond, Pat motioned for us outside the store and John pressed his hands against my back, shoving me forward all the way to the main part of the mall again. “Hey, guys, Garrett want us to meet up with him now…” Pat looked a bit confused, and both their eyes fell on me, knowing I knew what Garrett was up to.

“You’ll find out in a few minutes, don’t beat me.” I held up my fists, fake punching John.

“You wouldn’t win.” John stated simply and I dropped my hands, falling into step with the two of them.

We were passing the food court when I recognized Garrett’s red hair. I nudged Pat lightly, making him turn so I could get in front of him. I half ran up to Garrett, at first not noticing the girl at his side.

“This, uhm, this is Sarah.” He smiled widely.

“Hey.” I waved, smiling. “You’re going to be my new bff for l alright?”

She laughed. “That’d be nice…if I even knew your name…”

John and Pat had caught up with me now. Pat had jumped Sarah in a hug, since she was Garrett’s friend it apparently automatically made her his as well.

John reached out a hand to her, “I’m John, classier then either of them.” I shoved him a bit.

“I know who you are.” Sarah answered, “I went to your show last time, remember?”

Pat and John exchanged looks. “No?” Pat looked at Garrett.

“Oh, well I was there…I mostly just talked to Garrett though.”

“Yeah, that would explain it.” John added.

“I’m Alexander, by the way.” I inserted myself, feeling a lack of attention.

“No one cares what your name is.” John mused, and I shoved him again. “Anyways, I have to pick up something for Jared…Pat, you want to come?”

“Hello Alexander.” Sarah spoke a bit quietly, once the boys had left.

“Uhm, you guys want to walk around?” Garrett shot me an anxious look, apparently not sure what exactly to do.

“Yeah, you can show us around right?” I smiled at Sarah, “Since you live here and all…How do you live through the cold?” I raised an eyebrow at her, tugging John’s jacket closer around my body.

“What? Not man enough to handle it?” Sarah laughed.

“I’m insulted! I am too man enough.”

“Yeah, you really look it.” She rolled her eyes, Garrett walked in between us, quiet, just smiling. “You’ll get used to it though; I take it you’re not used to cold weather?”

“I’m from Arizona, and I haven’t left ‘til now…” I trailed off. “It hardly drops below sixty most days.”

“We’re all from Arizona.” Garrett laughed at me.

“Yeah! But you guys have gotten out before! I’m sure the first tour you were freezing too!” Garrett just shrugged.

“So…what do you guys want me to show you?”

“Anything?” I shifted my eyes to Garrett.

“Well, there’s not really anything to show, there’s not much worth seeing. Unless a band stops by, of course.” I saw her sneak a look at Garrett and they smiled at each other. I just wanted to shove them together and tell them to breed already, but I’m sure Garrett was already embarrassed enough. They were cute together though, Sarah was a good deal tinier then Garrett, and the way they looked at each other was so obvious about how they felt. They almost just needed someone to do the talking for them.

“I really hope you’re not this quiet when you two are alone, Garrett…”

He blushed. “I’m not; I didn’t mean to…Sorry.” He scratched the back of his neck.

“So, Sarah, you are legal, right? Because you look kind of young and I wasn’t sure if Garrett had pedo tendencies…”

“I’m eighteen.” She laughed.

“Oh, alright…So,” I exclaimed. “How did you two meet? Are you an item yet? Garrett told me about you.” I gushed out, knowing Garrett would probably whoop me when I got home for telling her.

“First, do you want to walk out to the pet store, its right across the street, and that way we can have extra time to talk?”

“Sure.” I smiled, and Garrett shot me looks begging me to cut it out, but someone needed to hurry them up, or nothing was ever going to happen. “…Wait, we have to go outside?” My eyes widened. Garrett zipped up his hoodie, shoving open the exit door. I tugged my coat tighter around me, hugging myself.

We were almost to the pet store, and anytime the wind blew I could feel myself shake all the way down to my bones. Sarah walked ahead of us, and I ran, catching up and clinging to her.

“Honestly, you get used to this?” I asked.

“Alex, it’s not that bad, really.” She laughed. “Just hope you’re not here when the snow comes. This is like nothing.”

“Whatever, so now tell me about you two.” I smiled politely, knowing Garrett was behind me and couldn’t do anything.

“Uhm, well, I guess there isn’t a whole lot to tell. We met at a show, and it was just kind of an instant connection? If there’s such a thing as that. We’re just a lot alike. But the whole distance thing can get to be much sometimes.”

“So you two are…?”

“No, we’re not together…” She grimaced a little as she said it.

“But, you want to be, obviously.” I nudged her. She blushed and continued to walk. “Alright, don’t tell me, but I already know you do, so don’t even try and tell me no.”

“Alright then, I won’t tell you no.” She smiled again.

“Good, because I know he wants you too.”

She blushed and quickly denied it. “You don’t know that.”

“Oh, girl, I know everything.” I looked back at Garrett and winked.

“How do you do that?” Garrett shouted.

“Do what?”

“Get her to talk.” He half smiled.

“I just have ways with the ladies, okay Garrett? Always have, always will.” I opened the door to the pet store, going in.

We were on our way back, and I was freezing again, clinging to Sarah like before. “So what about you?” She pressed.

“What about me?” I asked, confused.

“Well, do you have a boyfriend?”

“Do, I have a boyfriend.” I restated her.

“Oh, sorry, I just assumed…”

“No, it’s fine. Uhm, I don’t really know what he is…” My phone went off in my pocket, cutting me off short.

“Hello?” My teeth chattered as the wind whipped by again.

“Hey, where’re you guys at?” John’s voice was on the other end, and the sides of my mouth tugged up into a small smile.

“We just left the pet store across the street; we’ll be back at the mall in a few minutes.”

“You went outside? Like really?” He laughed.

“Yeah, I’m freezing. You don’t even know.”

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

“It’s fine, uhm, I’ll see you then?”

“Yeah.” He hung up and I stuck my hands back into my pockets. I looked up and Sarah was watching me.

“What?”

“Was that him?” She smiled, “Because you sure looked like that was him.”

“No,” I was caught off guard a bit. “That was just John…” Garrett looked over at me, and I shoved him into Sarah, taking off into a run towards the mall entrance, ready to be out of the cold, even though we had to walk all the way back home in it.

Opening the door to the mall, John and Pat stood right inside, coffee and bags in their hands. I shivered, hugging myself. Garrett and Sarah walked in behind me. I stumbled over to John, pulling the cup out of his hands, and sipping from it. He just stared at me.

“Hello, just bought that, for me.”

“Hello, freezing.” I glared at him, clinging to the cup for warmth. I really wish I could have clung to him, and maybe he’d let me, tugging me in. But I promised I’d do better this time around then before, and I knew I couldn’t be clingy or it’d just piss him off, so I bit my lip against it. He slowly pulled the cup out of my hands, drinking it, and I buried my hands deep in the pockets of the jacket I had on. “So we might as well get going then…” I trailed off, looking to Sarah and Garrett. I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to bring her back to the bus. I tipped my head to the side, and John nudged Pat. We started walking, leaving Garrett and Sarah time to say bye.

Garrett finally caught up with us by the time we were almost to the bus. I took John’s cup back again, stealing another sip.

“You better not give me the herp.” He pointed his finger at me.

I stuck my tongue out at him. “Too late for that.” I mumbled. He shot me a look and I handed him his cup back.

“You guys really don’t have to hide in front of me and Garrett, I mean it’s ridiculous. I know you guys do it around everyone else. But I’ve known since what, the very beginning?” Pat nudged me.

“Pat,” I warned, looking up at John, who acted like no one had even said anything. I bit my lip; apparently what Pat said didn’t matter. I was stuck playing by John’s rules.