You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

I was curled up on the couch in the back room, not really paying attention to the movie on the television, Up. Pat sat across from me on his laptop, not even looking up. The day was terribly boring and colder then yesterday. The guys were all over the place, scrambling to get ready for the show for tonight.

The door burst open, and I expected it to be one of the crew, or someone coming to yell at Pat, but it was John, clutching a bag. He tossed it to me, and sunk into the couch, curling into my side with a goofy smile on his face. I looked at him, raising my eyebrows.

“Well, open it.” He pressed.

“John, you didn’t have to get me anything.” But secretly I was overly happy at the fact that he had, he really wasn’t one for gifts. I opened the bag, pulling out a hoodie. It was heavy, heavy enough that I maybe wouldn’t die over the next few shows. It was gray, cute, with a normal pocket, and a buttoned one on the front. I felt a smile creep over my face, and I quickly kissed his cheek before he could yell at me or shove me away.

“Try it on, so I know if I have to take it back already.” I found the tag.

“John, it’s a small, what do you know that’s small that won’t fit me?”

“Try it on anyways?” He turned his focus to the television, and I stood up, tugging it on. I felt my shirt rise and knew John was watching, and I tried my hardest not to get embarrassed about it. I pulled my shirt back down and crawled back onto the couch, leaning on John. He kissed the top of my head. “It looks cute on you.” He smiled, before looking back up to the movie again. Pat looked up from his laptop and smiled at us.

“Awe, look, John’s actually being nice to his boyfriend for once.” I looked up at John, waiting for him to yell at Pat, or to argue that I wasn’t his boyfriend but instead he just laughed, chucking my pillow at Pat. I stretched out, resting my legs on John’s lap. He drummed lightly on them, making sound effects.

I yawned, “You know Garrett really likes Sarah…”

“Point being?” He continued with his fake drumming noises, which sounded more like beat boxing. Pat rolled his eyes at John, informing him more then once at how bad he was at it, but he just continued.

“I don’t know…” I bit my lip. “They complain about distance a lot, and they haven’t even gotten together yet, I just feel bad for them, I guess.”

“Mmmmhmmmm…” John eyed me oddly, and stopped drumming. “You want her to come along don’t you?”

“For Garrett, John, please?” I pouted, hoping maybe I could win this one. Garrett stumbled in mid sentence.

“What for me?” I bit my lip and looked at John, he sighed.

“Alex over here wants Sarah to come on tour for you.”

Garrett blushed. “Seriously?”

“Well not just for you, I bonded pretty well with her, and I don’t have anybody…”

“You have the guys.” John shot me a look, I assumed he meant more that I had him then I just had the guys.

“You never even asked if Alex could come!” Pat blurted out and John looked away from me. I already knew from Garrett he’d been lying, so it wasn’t that big of a deal to me.

“Yeah, John, at least I have the courtesy to ask, for Garrett, of course.” I smiled weakly.

“Okay.” He sighed. “So, say, I let her come…She needs to know rules and stuff, and I have no clue where you’re going to put her…” He looked up to Garrett for answers. “We leave tonight, Gare.”

“She could stay in my bunk…” He blushed terribly at the idea.

“I sense an injustice, I have to sleep back here, where things come crashing down when the bus moves.”

“Shh.” John put a finger against my mouth, waiting for Garrett to continue. I crossed my arms over my chest, and John started to run his hand up and down the lower half of my leg.

“It won’t be that big of a deal…” Garrett sat down next to Pat. “She keeps to herself, and I’ll take care of it all.”

“I’m still unconvinced on having females on the bus, it gets kind of grody.” I wanted to do anything to shut John up, to tell him to relax and just let it go, but I was sure he was already stressed about the show tonight, and then the one tomorrow. Pat leaned past his laptop again.

“Or, maybe you just really don’t like girls, hey?” He laughed and John glared at him.

“Don’t even start that, alright?”

Garrett butted in, calming everyone down. “So…she can come then?” I bit my lip and looked to John.

He sighed and glanced over at me. “I guess, yeah, doesn’t seem like I had much say anyways.” Garrett smiled brightly and ran out, phone already glued to his ear. I pulled out my phone and showed John the time, we already had to leave.

-------

Backstage was boring, the guy’s had to get ready, doing their own separate rituals. The crew had put the stage together earlier, and we just had to wait until it was time to go on. The venue was already overly packed. Pat was drumming on anything possible, anxious to get on stage again after break. He’d even play on us, trying to get our attention about things.

The guys went into formation for the “We Like To Party” dance, and Kenny invited me in on it. I’d seen them do it a million times over, but they tried to keep it to themselves a lot of the time. One of the crew members shouted and the guys went up onto the stage.

-------

We were at Denny’s, all of us, including Sarah, Garrett had gotten his way. I just wanted to fall over and go to sleep, exhausted from everything already, and we’d only played two shows. John’s hand fell on my shoulder, asking me if I was alright. I rubbed my eyes hard, pushing my hair back.

“Just really, really tired.” He eyed me oddly, and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. I was just feeling detached, especially from John anymore. We didn’t talk, and if we did it was for like two seconds before he’d go back to whatever he was originally doing. I knew it came along with the tour, and I’d made agreements to accept that by coming along, but it just seemed so different now. Especially since Pat had called me his boyfriend, there was a major gap of conversation, which I really wanted filled in. I looked over to everyone else, engaged in conversations with each other, laughing, and re enacting the show that had just gone on. I wanted that energy back, I wanted to stop feeling used, and I wanted John to open up again. The waitress came over; jotting down orders, and John’s phone went off. I had to move out of the booth for him to be able to get out, and because it took me so long he was answering it before he could make it outside. I know John’s words blended together a lot, and he wasn’t exactly right next to me, but no matter how much I forced myself to try and think he had just said a name too fast, it really, really sounded like he’d said “Hey baby.”, when he had picked up his phone.

-------

I rolled off of the couch, my back screaming at me. The boys no longer gave me privacy in the back room, and were yelling at carrying on at some game about who was beating who. I’d fallen asleep in the clothes from last night, and really didn’t care enough to change them. Sarah and Garrett were talking out in the front room, sitting across from John who was texting, making sure no one was watching him every now and then. I smiled weakly at everyone before stumbling out of the bus. I needed space from everyone, I felt like I was being suffocated. I scrolled through my phone trying to find someone to talk to, hoping for someone from home. My mom’s number came up and I fought against the urge to dial it, knowing it would only upset me even more then I already was. I hadn’t heard from her in ages anyways. I continued to scroll through, running a hand through my greasy hair, and came upon my grandma’s number. At that moment it felt like she was all I had.

Four rings in, she picked up just when I was ready to hang up, and she could never hear the phone when it went off anyways.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Grandma, hey, it’s…its Alex.” I smiled to myself.

“Oh, my goodness, where have you been? You need to come over and visit me, you know.”

“I would…but I’m not in Arizona.”

“Where are you at?”

“Uhm, Cleveland, until tonight. Do you remember John?”

“That really tall boy that used to come over for spaghetti?” I paced back and forth, filling her in on how he finally came back, and how he’d convinced me into tour with him. She filled me in on the family, not that I wanted to hear it, and assured me my mom just had more important things. Yeah, more important things ever since I was little. But my grandma had to insist she cared, being her mother and all. I glanced around, making sure no one watching or listening in before I sighed, launching into my problems with John. My eyes burned and ached, from finally being able to vent. I told her about the on and off, how much he insisted he was still in love with me, but I couldn’t help but question it, and how I had a feeling John was involved with someone else, the last one making the tears spill over. I didn’t realize how much I missed home. My grandma tried her best to give me advice. It all came down to how I had to talk to John, she couldn’t do anything anyways, and she was hundreds, maybe a thousand miles away, all the way across the country.

I promised to come see her when we got on break or came back home, and hung up, wiping my eyes. I ran up the steps back onto the bus, knowing I probably looked like a train wreck. I bit my lip and looked to Sarah, ignoring everyone else on the bus.

“Can we go out, yeah?” I felt John’s eyes on me, but I didn’t even bother to turn and look at him, waiting for Sarah to get up, so we could just leave already. I inhaled deeply; I didn’t even know how much longer I could stand being on the bus.

We were walking through downtown, just talking, clutching onto coffee. I was trying my hardest to calm down, but ever since I let it slip out loud that I was suspicious it was all I could think about, it was a different story just being curious in my head.

“Sarah…You and Garrett…you guys are really close, yeah?” I asked, watching my feet hit the ground, sucking in my bottom lip.

“I already think I know where this is going…yeah, we’re really close now, thanks to you.” She smiled, trying to distract me a bit.

“So he tells you stuff…like stuff that’s going on with the guys…stuff he really isn’t supposed to share?”

“Yeah…sometimes, not that that means I should go sharing it…”

“Oh, please, it’s me.” I tried my best to keep calm. “So…would you know who it is John’s always talking to anymore, on the phone and computer…?” I avoided eye contact.

“Alex, that’s not really my place to tell you…”

“Does it sound like I care? Tell me.” Sarah shook her head. “Sarah, come on, please?”

“I told you, it’s not my place…”

“I would tell you! Anything you wanted to know about the guys, I’d tell you. We’re bff for l, remember? The first day I met you I told you that. And this is one of those times where that relationship comes into play. Besides, I’m the main reason you even got to come with us, I have major pull in that area. Without me, you would still be in Columbus, without Garrett, waiting months to see him again and whining about distance. So come on and tell me. ”

Sarah bit her lip, taking a sip from her cup as we turned the corner. “Alright…I guess you deserve to know…but you didn’t hear this from me, okay?”

“Kay.” I nodded, and waited, patiently.

“You know Jenny…right?” She looked over at me.

“Y-Yeah, she dated John.” My voice cracked, and I tried to hide it in a cough. “So…then…that’s…?”

Sarah didn’t address it anymore. “You need to talk to your boy, Alex.”

I blushed and looked at my feet again. “He’s not…he’s not my boy, we’re just really close, or at least we used to be…” I trailed off, mumbling. Sarah let it go, letting me think I had her fooled, but I was pretty sure she knew. Whether I gave it away that easily, or Garrett had told her, she’d figured it out. We walked in silence for a few minutes, before we had to cross the street, and Sarah started up the conversation again.

"You know....the guys….they like you better than Jenny. By the guys, I mean Pat and Garrett. And you know how Garrett is about the situation. But he likes you…for John.”

I smiled weakly, hugging her. “Thanks. That means a lot.”

-------

We made it back to the bus, and I tried to think of what to do. How would I even bring that up to him? I sighed, and climbed up onto the bus. Sarah ran over to Garrett, whispering something, and suddenly plans were being made, and the guys were getting ready to leave. She winked at me, and I knew she was setting it all up so I could talk to John. I shoved past everyone, grabbing someone’s iPod that had been sitting on the table, and darted to the back room, crawling onto the couch and hugging my knees to my chest.

After what seemed like an eternity later, the door opened, and I jumped. John slid onto the couch next to me, first laying his arms across my kneecaps, and then leaned his head on his arms. I pulled the headphones out, biting my lip.

“Hey.” He mumbled, quietly.

“Hey.”

“So…we should talk.” John’s eyes seemed to just pierce through mine.

“About?”

“Why you’re so upset, to start off with…” My head was bursting with things I wanted to scream, wanted to tell him how much it hurt, that he ignored me, that I wasn’t enough to be his. But the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth.

“You didn’t break up with Jenny.” Was all I could get out, choking on the words still.

“I never said I would, shit, Alex. I never even said we were trying again. I was willing to but-” I cut him off.

“So, it’s totally okay to use me, and play off the fact that you know how much I care about you. It’s totally okay to mess around with me, and then go home to Jenny.”

“You don’t even know if we would work.” He was being so calm about it all, and it was killing me.

“You don’t know that if you never even tried, or gave me a chance, John.”

“What do you call this then? Taking you on tour with us, I thought this was your chance. You seemed to want it so bad.”

“I did want it, John. I still do, I just wanted to be around you…Wanted to be with you. I just…I want to know I’m enough…Because the fact that you’re still with Jenny, that says the opposite of what you say.”

I looked down, and he reached for my hand, intertwining his fingers in mine. I let go of my knees, instead sitting Indian style, facing him. He leaned forward and attached his lips to mine for only a quick second, before pulling back. He rested his forehead on mine, pulling our hands into his lap. He reached up one hand, letting it hold onto the side of my face gently, his thumb running over my cheekbone and under my eye. I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth and bit down on it hard. He smiled weakly and pressed his mouth against mine again, leaning back and tugging my hand, pulling me onto him. I kissed him back, and crawled on top of him, before pulling away and laying my head on his chest.

“You should put in a movie or something.” He spoke quietly. I knew John hated movies, and he knew how much I loved them. And that’s when it became clear that if he wasn’t going to give up Jenny, then I had to become worth it, worth it enough that he’d just want me. I slid off John, a bit reluctant at first, and walked over to the entertainment center. I found The Goofy Movie, and figured if I was going to make him sit through a movie it should at least be something he doesn’t mind watching. I put it in the VCR player, pressing play quickly before turning towards the bunks. John’s arm reached out, cutting me off. “Where’re you going?”

“I want a drink, and a blanket, its freezing back here.” John dropped his arm. I didn’t really get what the big fuss was, Garrett would probably keep everyone out for a while until he checked with me or John, figuring we wouldn’t want them just walking in. It wasn’t like I was going to run off or maybe John was partially telling the truth at how much he cared. I shrugged it off, grabbing a water bottle and then making my way back, pulling John’s blanket off his bunk and trying to carry it and see at the same time. I tripped a few times as the blanket dragged, swearing and bursting through the door to the back room. John laughed at me, and I threw the blanket at him, letting him sort it out and took a few sips of my water, before setting it up next to the TV. John lifted the blanket up, and I crawled underneath it, snuggling into his chest.

It wasn’t even past the beginning of the movie, maybe not even the first half hour, and I couldn’t bring myself to pay attention to it. My eyes kept drooping closed, and I yawned repeatedly, trying to hide it against John’s chest. When I wasn’t upset with him he always got me to relax too much, and then I’d start falling asleep. I fought my eyes over and over. At one point they fell for a good amount of minutes, before I forced them back open. I shifted a bit, and John laughed softly, his breath tickling my hair.

“Go to sleep, baby.” He slid down farther into the couch, and tugged me up closer to him. I nuzzled into his neck, wishing I could stay like this for a while, that I wouldn’t just fall asleep and wake up to him gone. I knew I wouldn’t get my way, though, and relaxed, letting my eyes close.

I felt shifting and a chill hit me. I opened my eyes half way, trying to adjust to the light. I was on the couch by myself now, John trying to creep and fix the blanket around me. He saw me and smiled crookedly. I sat up a little, and John’s hands pushed against my chest.

“Shh,” he spoke quietly, and I assumed the guys were back, or almost here. “Lay back down, alright?” He tugged the blanket up, attaching his lips to mine, longer then a peck, but not long enough for it to turn into anything. I struggled trying to grasp his shirt, to tug him down closer, but he kissed my forehead and shut the door behind him. I sighed and snuggled into the blanket and the couch. The blanket smelled like John, and that overpowered the smell of the couch, which made me want to gag every time I lay down. I knew we’d probably be moving again soon, and so I let myself fall back asleep.

-------

I heard and felt the bus rumble to life and sat up, taking a moment to realize I’d even fallen asleep in the first place. I stumbled through the bunks, and out into the lounge, sinking into one of the chairs. John was going through a box of something across the bus from me.

He cleared his throat. “I need a favor from you, and Sarah, too, yeah.”

“Okay…” Sarah sunk down in the seat next to me, and we both waited to hear what he wanted.

He held up a shirt. “I need you guys to sell this shit.”

“Can we model it in order to sell it?” I questioned, smirking, and John shot me a look.

“As long as you’re not selling anything else.”

“Oh, alright, I’ll be sure to just wear the shirt then, nothing else.” John shot me another look and I just smiled.
“Now when’re we doing this?” Sarah acted like nothing was happening. “Tomorrow night?”

“Yeah, you might have to stay a bit before and after the show.” Garrett added, trying to find somewhere to sit. I got up and moved next to John, hoping he wouldn’t take offense to it. His hand slid in between my legs under the table, his thumb lightly traced over my inner thigh, and I tried not to fidget too much.

“You going to be alright with it and all?” He looked to Sarah and back at me. I had a feeling it was really only directed at me, but I didn’t think he was aware Sarah knew about us.

“I think I can handle it, with my bff for l.” I grinned and stood up, holding my hand out for Sarah to high five me back. We high fived and John shot Garrett a look, stretching his arm around me, and tugging me into him. I blushed, not used to John wanting to touch me in front of anyone. I guessed he rationalized with the fact that it was Garrett, but I knew Garrett was kind of iffy about us. I saw Garrett give Sarah a few looks, and he kept looking over at her and down. Someone needed to give that boy the courage to just do it already, but I figured he was better off finding the courage himself.