Exhale

When he woke, he expected her to be there. At home, she slept beside him more than she slept alone, her warm body always curling into his and her breath hot against his neck. Usually, he woke up to the feeling of her close beside him, arms wrapped around his neck or waist, head resting near his shoulder. He’d always be the one to wake up first, twisting in the sheets and blankets, making her groan when he’d pull them away and she’d swat him away when he mumbled out her name.

This morning though, he never felt her tighten her hold to prevent him from moving. He mumbled her name and after not hearing her reply, he turned around, eyes scanning his bed, her bed, and the room. His eye brows tightened in confusion as he traced her unmade bed again. It took him a few moments before he remembered what had happened the night before and how he’d grown so impatient at her vulnerability. Garrett quickly climbed from the bed, pushing the covers to the floor and moving to his suitcase. Concern guided his actions as he dug through his suitcase, pulling a t-shirt from the bottom. It was on seconds before he pulled the room’s door open, running his fingers through his hair in a frenzy.

He wasn’t sure where he was going, he never really got a proper tour of the house. The hallways were dark and most of the doors were pulled shut. Yelling her name out would have caused scene and he was certain she would have been even more upset if he did so instead, he just wandered around, search for her in any open rooms or new hallways. When he reached the end of one, another door was open a bit, and Garrett took it upon himself to push it open, smiling when he did.

The room was painted the same cream that covered the hallways and lower level, posters and pictures covered most of them. Her bed was on the far wall, pushed against it the same manner that his was at home. The bed was unmade, most of the dark sheets pushed off the bed and the pillow had the same impression as the one in their room. He knew better than to look through her stuff, he knew she never wanted him in it, but yet he could stop himself from skimming over all of the walls and through the boxes on her floor and the small drawers in her desk. Everything he saw described someone different, the Holly before she moved to Arizona and met Garrett. The pictures that were pinned to her wall or framed on her dresser were full of people Garrett never met or heard of, but her smiles in each of them made Garrett smile too. Opening the small drawer under her desk, he reached in, pulling out the envelope of pictures, opening the flap and pulling the collection out. These pictures were so different than the ones he saw before, Holly was still there but the person she was with wasn’t her tennis friends or her peers in class. Garrett grimaced as he flipped through more, watching her arm tighten around the boy’s neck, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

He knew he wasn’t ready to see her like this. Hearing the stories from her teenage years were hard enough, but seeing the evidence so clear only made him angry. She wasn’t supposed to be this girl, Holly was supposed to be the Arizona girl he met and loved. The one he lived with and sleep beside. Her secrets hurt him and seeing them so clearly, so truthfully in front of him, made it all so much more real.

When he heard footsteps enter the hallway outside the door, he shifted, placing the stack of pictures on her desk and let out a heavy breath. He didn’t want to be like this, to let this all hurt as much as it did. Confronting Holly wasn’t what he wanted to do this morning when he woke up, he just wanted to hold her to him and remember the life they had at home. Finally, the feet reached the space outside the door, and there was one knock before the handle twisted and her father stepped inside.

“Oh, Garrett.” Her father smiled, his hair still messy from sleeping and a mug of coffee was in his hand. “I didn’t know you were in here.”

Forcing himself to smile, he stepped away from where he was standing and falling into the chair beside her desk. “I was just looking for Holly.”

“You and me both then,” He smiled, stepping further into the room to where he was standing. His attention went to the stack of pictures Garrett had just been staring at, picking them up to. Tristan flipped through a few of the pictures too, a smile growing across his lips, only making Garrett frown more.

“Y’know who this is?” He glanced up at Garrett for a moment and Garrett shook his head. “Holly’s boyfriend.”

He noticed her father’s choice of words, how he still referred to the boy as something that was happening. Garrett’s jaw tightened at the word itself. Her father’s eyes stared into his for a moment as Garrett gathered his voice. “That’s Todd.”

Tristan nodded, with a smile. “He’s such a great guy.”

Garrett’s fists tightened and he broke eye contact with her father, staring at his hands instead. He wanted to tell her father how wrong he was, how sleazy and awful Todd was to his daughter. Garrett had witnessed it already and heard the stories from her brother and he was so confused as to how her parents has fallen for that hoax. Glancing upwards once, he saw Tristan flipped to the next one, brushing his fingers over the memory.

“This one,” his lips tugged upwards again se he flipped the photograph for Garrett to see. He didn’t want to see the smile stretched across the girl’s lips, her legs falling into his lap as they both laughed. “It was when we all went to Boston one summer. We invited Todd to come with us and it was like he was a member of our family.”

Swallowing the knot forming in his throat, Garrett shifted in the chair. The picture itself made him uncomfortable and he didn’t want to think far into the words he shared. She looked to happy in it and he wondered how he was when her parents turned to other way, how long it took for her smile to disappear and for him to turn into the possessive Todd he met.

“Ah.” Tristan let out, breaking Garrett’s thoughts. He looked at him again, the man twisting another picture for him to see. “Todd told us he wanted this to be in a frame at their wedding.”

He couldn’t take it longer as he stared into the photograph. Holly’s arm was behind him and his was to her, and they stood in her front yard, the boutineer attached to his lapel and the corsage on her wrist. She looked so much younger than she did now, her hair short and smile wider. He hated the way that made his heart hurt and he rose from his chair. “I have to uh—“

Tristan stopped him before he made it to the door, the pictures still in his hand. “Garrett, I just hope you know, he was practically a son to us. We thought they were going to get married, neither one of us are fond of the idea of her with anyone else.”

Shrugging from the man’s grip, Garrett slipped out the door, pushing the pain from himself as he made his way back to his room. He didn’t want to see her anymore, he simply wanted to go home. Caring about her was hurting too much now. He knew he was a jealous maniac over her and it made him hate himself more. Those pictures were everything she’d kept from him, all the secrets he wasn’t allowed to know.

Pulling his clothes from his suitcase, he stepped into the attached bathroom, forcing himself to relax when he closed the door. A shower would calm him down, the steam and hot water could relieve him from the ideas the pictures put in his head.

. . .

When the chill began to spread goosebumps over her skin, Holly pushed herself out of the chair she'd been sitting in, her hands curling back around the mug. It was emptied long ago, and now it was cold in her hands, dead weight as she stepped through the sliding glass door into the house. She placed the mug on the counter before passing by the kitchen, stepping up the stairs. It was still early, and Holly was exhausted from the night before after the few restless hours she'd managed to catch after leaving the room Garrett had slept in. Her old bed hadn't felt as comfortable as she remembered and the photos staring at her just reminded her of what she'd purposefully left behind, keeping her awake longer than she needed.

Holly stepped into Bryan and Sam's old room, the disappointment filling in her chest when Garrett wasn't there. The blankets were tangled across the bed and his clothes littered the floor, spilling from his suitcase. Holly nearly stepped back into the hallway before she heard the shower running in the adjacent bathroom, and she moved toward the room, opening the door quickly as she would at their own apartment. Immediately her cheeks burned red and Holly twisted around, shutting the door, her eyes wide and the embarrassment filling her at the sight of her best friend. Garrett hadn't noticed, thankfully, as his back had been turned, but she'd been able to see him clearly through the glass door. After so long of spending time in their own apartment and sharing a bathroom, she was so used to using the room while he was in the shower or vise versa, the curtain opaque and giving each other the privacy they needed. Holly had forgotten about the private bathroom her brothers had shared, and she regretted it now, pushing herself from the door as she tried to control the heat rising across her face.

Her thoughts only got worse when the shower turned off, and Holly couldn't tell if Garrett had simply finished his shower or if he'd noticed her short entrance and had taken those few minutes to compose himself before daring to come out of the bathroom. She was nervous and flustered, as she and Garrett had never faced such a predicament, and she wasn't sure how to react.

A dark blush settled across her cheeks when he stepped back into the room. Just seeing him again would have brought the redness back momentarily but when she turned and saw him in only a towel, Holly couldn’t even control it. Sure, at home she’d seen him in a towel on more than one occasion. He’d walk around in simply his boxers and when she’d bark at him to put some clothes on, he’d complain that this was how he felt masculine in their girly apartment. But never once had she felt this feeling when seeing him.

“Have you seen my toothpaste?” He stood in the doorway between the bathroom and the bedroom. Beads of water were still scattered over the tops of his shoulder and his hair was still dripping wet. She could see the small goosebumps that covered his arms as he stepped further into the room.

Holly couldn’t stop herself from tracing over him either. Over his face and shoulders, down the chest she’d touched before and over the towel that was covering the few parts of her best friend she’d never seen. Her jaw dropped when she realized the feelings she suddenly felt. In the two years they’d been close, she never realized how toned his chest was or how brood his shoulders were. The Garrett she knew was skinny and wimpy. Her Garrett just sat around playing video games and eating cheese doodles. Her Garrett wasn’t this, so handsome. Of course, the first time she met him, she thought he was cute and simple; he never stood out to her and the minute they really became friends all those feeling slipped away. But now, she was standing in the bedroom they were sharing, staring at her best friend.

His eyebrows furrowed, his lips tightening into a serious frown. “What?” He spoke quickly to seeing her there.

As quickly as she could, she pulled her attention away, trying desperately to look like she didn’t have those feelings. “Uh…nothing.”

Garrett whole body tightened and he suddenly felt self-conscious. He caught the her eyes on him immediately wishing he’d slipped into a shirt before coming out, instead relying on crossing his arms in front of his chest to keep her from seeing. It didn’t help his nerves though and he couldn’t help but wonder what she thought. Sure, he was skinny, but was he too skinny? Comparing himself to Todd was just stupid but he had already, realizing that Todd had wider shoulders and a bigger chest.

Holly kept so much from him already. And now she was trying again, to keep him out of whatever secret she had. He was getting sick of it, after seeing all the pictures of the girl he never knew and now this, he couldn’t even rationally control the bits of anger filling his blood. “Holly.” He said sternly, watching her look at anything but him. “Where the fuck is my toothpaste? Did you steal it?”

It snapped her back suddenly, his accusing tone only caused her stare back at him, for a different reason this time. “Why would I fucking take your toothpaste, Garrett?”

“I dunno.” His voice was picking up and she watched his arm muscles tighten and his shoulders moved back slightly. Her blush rose again, but the sound of his voice pushed it away. “Because you steal all my shit and never give it back.”

“What are you? Two?” She retorted, finally able to look him directly in the eye for the first time since she opened the door while he was sharing. “I don’t fucking steal your shit, Garrett, and I certainly would bother trying with your nasty toothpaste.”

“My shirt.” He pointed at her and she glanced down, seeing one of his typical tees over her own shoulders. “My bed.” His finger continued to what she was sitting on. “My car.” Garrett’s words were slipping from his lips before he even got a chance to stop them. “My home. My friends. My life. You steal everything of mine, including my toothpaste.”

Her jaw dropped again as she watched him come further into the room. “You’re such a dramatic, little bitch sometimes, Garrett.” She mumbled, trying to act like what he had just said didn’t hurt her the way they actually had.

“Just fucking give me back my toothpaste.” He groaned again, looking at his suitcase. “I fucking need it, it’s sort of important.”

“Oh my god, Garrett.” Her voice grew louder as she tried to keep herself somewhat composed. “Seriously, just use mine or something. It’s not that big of a deal.”

Her eyes followed him as he walked over to his suitcase and he knelt down, unzipping the bag. “No Holly, you are so stupid.” Garrett’s attention stayed on the bag as he began digging through his belongings, tossing stuff out in the same manner she’d done with her own clothes days before. “I can’t just fucking use your toothpaste. It sucks.”

“Oh no, that’s right.” She chuckled sarcastically, trying to ignore the bits of water dripping from his tips of his hair and falling down to his shoulders and over the ridges of of his back. “My toothpaste’s too manly for you, right?”

As he twisted around to glare at her; the spot where the sides of the towel came together fell open some, revealing a bit of his upper thigh. Holly couldn’t stop herself from glancing at it, the light, bare skin immediately causing her to blush a little, not even noticing his glare then. “G-Gar..” She stuttered out, trying to regain her composure. “Could you…uh… put some clothes on or something?”

“Could you grow the fuck up?” He countered, glancing back at her before continuing to dig through his belongings.

His fingers brushed over the plastic tube a few times already as he spent his time digging out his clothes. It wasn’t that Garrett was a bad packer, in fact with all the touring he’d done, Garrett was quite thorough at it. But he wasn’t organized. When they were on the road, Garrett lost things a lot and would just go by more, rather than spending the time to hunt down the belonging so when he and Holly would get home, they’d have enough extra razors, bottles of shampoo, and socks to keep Garrett stocked for awhile.

Finally, after the fifth time he’d touched it before, it registered to Garrett that he was touching what he was looking for. He lifted it up over his head, smiling a victorious smile and shooting her another small glare. Quickly, he tossed the majority of his clothes back into his bag and carefully stood as to not pulling at the towel’s knot and dropping the entire thing completely in front of her.

“See Garrett.” She smirked at him, pointing at the tube as he stood up. It was a relief for her to see the towel fall back into the proper spot without her seeing anything else. “I don’t steal your shit.”

His victorious smile disappeared, a small smug frown replace it. He glared at her again, only this time she saw it instead of his upper thigh. He was starting to dry now, his hair lightening from the disappearing moisture and all the small water droplets seem to have completely disappeared. “Shut up.” He spat, holding the tube at his side. “You’re still in my shirt anyways.”

“Seriously?” Her eyebrows shot up, her voice rising.

He nodded at her, not bothering to speak as his smile came back and he watched her grow annoyed at his lack of words. Garrett brushed his hand through his still-wet hair, enjoying her face drop more.

She smirked back. “Fine.” She mumbled, lifting an eyebrow at him. Her hands dropped from their spot crossed over her chest. Her fingers touched the bottom hem of the shirt and she tugged it up and over her head. It left her standing there, for Garrett to see, her in her bra. The blush rose to Garrett’s cheeks quickly. “There.” She pushed the shirt against his chest and he took it by accident, too busy staring at her to realize what he’d done. “Have it if it’s such a big deal.”

Garrett blinked a few times, trying to not stare or smile at her. Just like her, Garrett got a few glimpses of almost-naked Holly at home. She’d leave her door open while changing sometimes or come out of the bathroom before have completely gotten her clothes on after showering. But Garrett never got it like this. It wasn’t as if she was truly naked either, but the redness would only get worse if he tried to rationalize the feeling.

They both stood there for a few moments. Holly hadn’t bothered moving to grab another shirt from her bag and Garrett was too busy ogling at her to even trying anything yet. But once he could finally figure out that he had the shirt she wore in his hands and his own jaw was practically to the floor, he snapped back, tossing her the shirt. “God, Holly, put it back on. Nobody wants to see you half-naked.”

She scoffed, “Right Garrett, you certainly weren’t saying that two days ago.”

“I was trashed, Holly—”

Holly scoffed again, staring at him. “Yeah, you really were trashed, weren’t you Gary?” She laughed at him, “Trashed enough to make out with your best friend. Now tell me Gary, would you do that with Kenny too?” Her giggling wasn’t innocent, her eyes watching the blush turn into a glare and a frown.

“No,” He snapped back, pushing past her and walking back towards the bathroom, holding onto the knot of the towel and his tube of toothpaste. “I’m not you.”

The minute he slammed the door, the words he said hit her. Holly looked down at herself, wondering if he meant some of his harsh words. He never called her ugly exactly, but she could hear it in his tone and distaste. At home, he’d never really talked about it besides yelling that she looked fine when they were in a rush and to put on some make up when she looked particularly hungover. But maybe Garrett did find her ugly, maybe that was why he’d been pushing her away all week. She scanned down her body, looking at the spots she was most self-conscious and wondering if Garrett saw those spots in the same way she did. She’d alway had her own insecurities, she thought her boobs were too small and her hips were too wide. She had worried that the scar on her elbow and the small mole on her ear were something that people judged. But as she got older, those thoughts slipped away and being around John 5 days of the week didn’t leave her much time to worry about it.

In those few brief moments, her mood changed quickly. She put those worries aside, trying to pretend he’d never given her that look or dropped the shirt back in her hands so quickly. Holly didn’t bother putting it on, simply dropping it on his bed and taking the same path he’d taken towards the bathroom. Without knocking, she opened to door, seeing him standing in front of the sink, digging through his bag of toiletries. “You need to get your facts straight, Garrett.” She stared at him, watching his head move up and twisting around to see her.

He scoffed, looking at her before redirecting his attention to the bag. “You need to put a shirt on.” He mumbled confidently, glancing up at her through the mirror before he finished his own sentence.

Yet again, she had to push her worries aside. The feeling of him looking at her with his blank face dug at her gut and strained her heart, but she chose to not acknowledge it, focusing her energy on her next words. It was a thick silence that waited between the two. He continued to simply glance at her sporadically, not bothering to talk. Holly stood in the doorway, glaring at him.

She scoffed, stepping into the small room further. “God, you are such a fucking hypocrite, Garrett.” His gaze followed her steps, not looking down since she started moving. “You walk around half-naked, obviously trying to make me throw up and ripe my eyes out and I take—”

“You are such a liar.” He chuckled, completely interrupting her and not bothering making any gesture or pause to allow her to finish. “You don’t find me repulsive at all.”

Then she laughed too, staring at him. “Yeah Gar, you’re totally right.” She wanted to stop this, wanted to make this right, but mostly she wanted Garrett to go back to his typical reassuring self that she knew. “Because I just love scrawny, little boys.”

“I’m way more man than Kennedy.”

When she heard him mumble it she couldn’t help but giggle. This side of him, this jealous, protective Garrett, made her laugh. It just was so far from what he wanted to seem like. And of course, she couldn’t help but find it flattering and sweet. He wanted to protect her and keep her safe and Holly couldn’t help but love that. He was in the process of squeezing a bit of toothpaste out on his brush when she did it. His eyes shot back up and into the mirror, glaring at her.

They were fighting, giggling wasn’t allowed. Holly quickly replaced her smile with a small frown, looking away from him. “Why do you keep bringing him up?” She stomped her foot for emphasis, only getting an eye roll from Garrett as he went to brushing his teeth. “What Garrett? I don’t get it. What is it with Kennedy?”

Garrett shrugged, brushing his teeth silently, trying to distract himself from her words. He was running scenarios through his head, most involving him kneeling on the floor suddenly and groveling for forgiveness then confessing the truth. But he couldn’t get his body to act, his knees seemed locked together and his body tied to the sink.

“God, you are worse than John.” She groaned out, rubbing against the side of her head slowly, hoping for him to interject so she didn’t feel like his bitching friend. “Not only do you just fucking stop talking when we’re trying to actually get somewhere, but you have to prance around half-naked thinking everyone thinks you are hot shit.” She let out a heavy sigh, hoping for him to speak again. “I’m the last person who fucking enjoys seeing my friends naked.”

He spit out his toothpaste suddenly, turning and pointing at her with the toothbrush. “You were to one who walked in on me in shower, alright?”

“Right,” she choked up, trying to compose herself again over just the mention of seeing him. “‘Cause that’s exactly what I wanted to see, Garrett.” She scoffed out, a little pink covering her cheeks.

“You seemed to just take your sweet time leaving though.” His smirk was heavy, piercing through her and causing her to blush more.

Holly coughed quickly, “Well fine, I'll leave.” She spoke, slamming to before shut moments after.