Exhale

Had she been awake completely, she probably could have figured out the beat he was tapping into her back. He’d lift his finger at controlled intervals and then drop it at certain moments, allowing it to touch a knot on her spine. It was comforting, the beat keeping her asleep throughout the night. Garrett acted exactly how he had back when he went to the parties, he held her close. When she’d wake up at sporadic points throughout the night, he’d lull her back into a gentle sleep.

The backseat of Garrett’s parents car was never a place either one thought to sleep, but it was their only option. The night before they were both way to drunk to drive and they weren’t planning on staying around the party for long. So they slept in the car. Garrett took up most of the cushion, his back resting against the leather. Holly only stayed on the seat because of Garrett. Her legs were tight around his, her arms wrapped around his torso. They were weaved together perfectly, so that if Garrett let go, Holly would fall back some and he would catch her.

It was a long night. Garrett barely got a chance to sleep before she’d wake up again, complaining to him about being cold or not feeling well. He’d rub her back, trying to get her to fall back asleep. He’d keep his voice soft, telling her about some imaginary world where things were perfect and hangovers didn’t exist. Garrett held her all night, ignoring any awkwardness he felt between them. The later into the night it got, the less she’d wake up. He never completely dozed off, worrying that if he did and she woke up, he wouldn’t wake up to help her.

By the time the sun rose, the bags under Garrett’s eyes were heavy, his stomach hurt, and his bladder was full of the endless drinks he consumed the night before. But he stuck by her, ignoring his discomfort to keep her warm and comfortable. He focused on the beat, trying to remember particular patterns in songs that he hadn’t played in years. Memories swam around him, taking him back to high school and the beginning of the band. He travelled through meeting Holly, remembering the days when the feelings for her were simple and then the days that weren’t.

He watched her wake up slowly, her arms tightening their grip around his torso and her head moving slowly. Of course, he wasn’t going to rush her, knowing the hangover she would have today would be awful. Holly was the type who, if she drank too much, would suffer from the worst hangovers. They left her completely drained, requiring her to do nothing more than lay in bed all day. John was always responsible, pulling the drinks out of her hand the second he knew she was reaching that point. Her hangovers were mild with a little alcohol but with too much, she’d spend most of the next day completely sore and exhausted.

Once he thought she was awake enough to process him being there, he brought his head down to her ear. Carefully brushing his chin again her cheek.The stubble rubbed against her skin, causing her to groan his name in discomfort, only making him chuckle at her. “Holls?” He breathed into the crook of her neck, trying to be a quiet as possible.

She groaned again, twisting slightly in his tight grip and still refusing to open her eyes. The words travelled around her and a small smile settled on her lips aw she realized his closeness. “Gary?” She whispered, her voice thick with exhaustion.

He chuckled again, “I gotta pee Holls; lemme up.” He patted her back, using all his fingers to gently hit against her thin shirt.

“Nope.” She teased, her voice soft and the air she breathed between words hitting him. “Hold it.”

Garrett couldn’t bite back the smile that he had coming, her teasing tone only made him think back to those times he remembered all night. “I would hold it longer.” He softly pulled his arm out from under her neck, replacing it with the sweatshirt she left in the day before. “But I have been all night waiting for you to wake up.”

Holly moved her arms, allowing Garrett to pull himself out of the spot between her and the seat. He pushed open the door, allowing more cold air to flood the car, leaving Holly to shiver without him. The blanket didn’t do much for her; she quickly fell into the gap where he was before, trying to stay in the warmth he left. Holly listened for him, counting the seconds he was gone. The longer he was gone, the colder she got, missing him more and more.

She heard him open the door again, feeling another rush of cold air surrounding her. He chuckled, watching her pull the blanket around herself. Garrett climbed in slowly, kneeling at the edge of the seat just enough to close the door. “You cold?” He laughed, hearing her teeth chatter together.

Holly shimmied down the seat a little, pulling her arm from under the blanket. “Yeah…”

“Do you want me to turn the heat on?” The question was pointless and Garrett knew she only cared about having him beside her then. She was cold and hungover, which made her needy for her, wanting nothing more than his arms tight around her and his body heat warming her.

Holly bit back the smile this time, her fingers touching the fabric surrounding his kneecap. As her head shook gently she muttered out a curse at him, tugging on his knee and smirking. “Just you.”

The smile that Holly was capable of biting back, Garrett couldn’t stop. Both sides of his lips pulled sideways at her response. He loved when she needed him like this, so much so that she was reaching for him, acknowledging the fact that nothing else would make her happier in that moment. He quickly pushed her hand away kindly, leaning forward and crawling over her. The goal was to climb over her, dropping down beside her once his head would hit the same spot as hers. He was almost there when his eyes traced over the skin on her neck, circling the two dark marks on there.

Garrett sat back quickly, his jaw tightening as he stared at them again. He tried to remember the foggy details of the evening quickly. Words circled him, ones he shared with her and she spat at him. Guys faces bounced around, ones he glared at continuously throughout the evening. As far as he remembered, no one touched her besides him. And that’s when Garrett remembered that feeling, the one that chewed at him when they climbed into the backseat. It smacked him in the face suddenly, reminding him of the drunken activities the two participated in. All the kissing and touching came back then, the sensation of her skin touching his and her fingers laced in his hair. He remembered it how good it felt and how much he enjoyed it only fueling his conscience to feel more guilty.

He backed up quickly, causing her to snap back around, her eyes opening suddenly. The pain filled her then and Garrett listened to her groan in pain, her hand untangling from the blanket and rubbing against the temple. He wanted to curl up around her and let his voice distract her from the pain, he wanted to make her feel good and comfortable. But Garrett knew now what had happened the night before and how he let things get out of control. It began to eat at him. She didn’t remember yet obviously.

Before she could open her mouth and speculate on his sudden distance, Garrett looked away from her. “Holly, we should go back to your parents house.” He mumbled, trying to not look at the pain in her eyes and the confusion covering her face.

“Garrett,” His name didn’t sound as nice before, the sound only made him pull away more, lifting his palms from the leather and sitting back on his ankles. “What? Why?” She sat up a bit, trying to comprehend his sudden movement away.

“Your parents,” He tried. “They’re probably worried.”

Holly sat up completely then, her eyebrows furrowing even more. “Bullshit.” She spoke up, reaching for his arm and pulling it towards her. “Now come on, we’re adults and they don’t care.”

He snapped his arm away from her quickly again, trying to keep himself from watching the hickeys on her neck as she moved. “No Holly.” The words were stern, “We should go.”

A silence settled between them as Garrett fought his own internal battle and Holly watched. She tried to believe that he simply was concerned about her parents. It was a good try on his part but she could see there was more. He was distant now, his arms far away from her reach and his eyes focusing on anything but her. It worried her too. “Gar?” She softened her tone, ignoring the pounding of her head and the heaviness of her limbs. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just, uh, not feeling good.” Garrett tried, mumbling quietly at her while searching behind him for the lever to open the car’s door. “It’s probably just that we didn’t eat last night.”

She knew he was lying; his attempts at looking at anything but her gave him up. “Okay.” She scoffed out, trying to hide her disappointment. “But when we get back will you lay with me?” It was a desperate move for her, although she needed him to help her feel better, Holly was never the one to ask. Hangovers were somehow easier to deal with when he was there and he knew what to do, yet, just like all those nights alone on the couch, she could never bring herself to tell him.

Garrett brushed off her words, pushing against the door behind him and stumbling out. He needed air and space, he needed a place to sort through the events and feelings from last night, but mostly, he needed space from Holly. The cold air hit him and he quickly ran around to the driver’s door, unlocking it, and climb it.

The car seemed to be smaller then, the space separating the front and back wasn’t enough for Garrett. He quickly slipped the keys into the ignition, glancing into the rearview mirror as she moved around the backseat silently, picking up the blanket and standing. His eyebrows furrowed, his jaw clenching when she climbed over the center console, brushing his shoulder with her hip in the process. “W-what are you doing?” His tone was sharp, allowing himself to glare at her quickly before looking away.

“I’m sitting up here.” She snapped back, wrapping the blanket around her and looking at him. “With you.” She softened, smiling at him.

Guilt chewed at him; she was being nice and sweet despite the fact that she felt horrible. Garrett could she the pain in her, exhaustion was tugging at her limbs, the shine in her eyes disappeared. He wanted to pull her back into the backseat and curl up beside her, holding her and letting her sleep against him until the sun shone in the car and made it impossible to sleep. Garrett looked at her then, watching her smile reappear. This was his Holly’s smile; it wasn’t that cruel smile from last night that he remember, this was the one that he knew for so long.

Garrett bit back his own smile, looking away quickly. “You can stay and uh…sleep in the back. I m-mean you look like you’re feeling like shit.” He tried, watching her out of the corner of his eye.

“I do.” She agreed, assuming his words were strictly meant to make her feel better and nothing else. “But you’re worth it.” Silently, she pulled her arm out from under the blanket and grabbed Garrett’s hand, pulling it to rest on the center console and lacing her fingers with his.

He didn’t speak as he drove the car away, not bothering to acknowledge her hand in his but also not willing to pull away. The silence didn’t help him feel better, just giving his head more time to cycle through everything again. There was no way she would remember it yet because it was Holly. Events that would happen while she drank took hours to come back completely. She used to pester Garrett, begging him to tell her everything that happened but now, she wouldn’t even bother. Garrett would never tell her, only laughing at her desperation to know.

The car moved slowly, Garrett’s sudden timidness showing through his driving. He took his time at each stop sign, waiting an extra few seconds and looking in both directions multiply times. The slight skin-on-skin contact between their hands only made the guilt thicker. The feeling of her hand just took him back to the night before and he wished she’d guide his hand to other spots on her again. It twisted through his stomach, tugged on his heart, and played with his nerves. Her hand brought on more feelings than he was used to, making it harder to focus on driving.

At the next stoplight, Garrett slowly pulled his hand from hers and faked a cough, making a swift motion to cover his mouth with the hand. He saw her head turn towards him, watching him for a few seconds before sinking down into the passengers seat and refocusing her attention out the window. Every move he made seemed to make the whole thing worse. The feeling digging into him when they held hands wasn’t nearly as bad as the one that cycled now. It was guilt still, but worse and more intense. The girl felt like shit and Garrett could tell but he rejected her still, ignoring the signs that she needed him.

She wasn’t used to him pushing her away like this. His excuse made sense, Garrett never felt well the next day if he skipped dinner the night before, but the distance he put between them made her question the excuse. When he felt bad, usually he’d be more clingy and touchy, acting just like she did when she was hungover. She glanced at him periodically, watching his lips staying in the same straight line they were in when he was thinking too much and his jaw was tense. Holly could see the nerves in him and the guilty smile he’d give her when he noticed her looking at him.

“Fuck.” Garrett muttered a few times, glancing at the dials behind the steering wheel a few times.

Holly’s eyebrows tightened together as she watched her nervous friend mutter words under his breath; they were so soft that she wasn’t sure if he was just unaware or purposefully trying to keep his voice low. “Gar?” His name fell quickly from her lips, stopping his private mumbling. He turned, looking at her completely for the first time that morning. The heat rose up his neck and he looked away just as quickly as he looked at her.

“We uh…need gas.” He mumbled as quietly as his string of curses before, scratching the back of his neck.

The gas station wasn’t far from where they were and Garrett practically jumped out of the car to fill up the tank. Holly stared at him the entire way, trying to get him to tell her whatever he was panicking about. And the more he sat there, avoiding her gaze and ignoring her presence, the harder her stare become. By the time they reached the gas station it was a glare, one intended to crack Garrett and make him talk.

She sat there, waiting for him to finish up. His silence bugged here now, it dug at her the same way guilt dug at Garrett. Holly sighed in frustration, watching him through her side-view mirror as he leaned against the car, his arms folded across his chest, his gazed focused on the road. She traced the lines of the horizon through the window and then back at him. Eventually, she repositioned herself so her reflection was the only thing she could see. She traced her own face then, seeing the thick bags under her own eyes and the tangled mess of hair on her head. That’s when she saw it, glancing over them once before she stared harder and saw them again.

Quickly, she turned in her seat, flipping down the visor and looking at herself closer in the mirror. The two hickeys were dark against her light skin. They weren’t particularly larger or strangely colored, but they attracted her attention and she stared at them hard. It took her a few seconds to remember who left them and how good it felt. At first, she was scared, assuming that some random guy left them on her. But Garrett was with her all night and he’d never allow a guy near her, let alone leave those on her. She saw him in through the mirror again and she remember suddenly, the feeling of his hands on her.

Holly watched him finish, walking around to the driver’s side while shoving his wallet back into his pocket. After every step he took towards the door, she’d remember another second of their evening. Holly never thought she’d kiss Garrett, before that moment she never had the desire. He was fun to goof around with when they drank but she never thought they’d ever make out. Now, it was different. She knew what he felt like and tasted like, she could remember the way he made her warm and the way he smelled even better when she was that close to him. Holly knew she liked it and she wanted it again. It felt good and he made Holly feel right.

Garrett glanced at her as he put the keys back in the ignition again.she flipped the mirror shut just as quickly as she opened it, looking away from Garrett.

“Holls?” He questioned, “You alright?”

She kept her eyes away from him, treating him how he had to her before. “Yeah.” She squeaked out. “J-just drive.”

It was even worse then. Garrett drove, now just as worried as guilty. Her mood had changed so quickly, now she was avoiding his eyes and her hands stayed tight on her thighs. Even if Garrett tried, he was sure she wouldn’t touch him then. He assumed she was mad at him for his rejection earlier, figuring it had something to do with her behavior or the fighting the night before.

They stayed silent until they pulled into the driveway; Garrett parked the car in the same spot it was in yesterday, sighing. He felt so guilty, for letting her get so drunk the night before, for kissing her and touching her, for not taking care of her in the car, and for allowing her to be mad at him now.

The house seemed empty, the lights in the entryway were shut off and the heat was off. Holly smiled, stepping into the living room. The television glowed, the character on the screen running around with a rifle in hand. Holly traced the wires of the Xbox console to a pair of hands. Her brother reclined on the couch, his feet resting against the edge of the coffee table.

Holly didn’t even wait for him to notice they arrived. “Is Mom home?” She spoke, watching his eyes flick from her to the screen. Pausing the game he sat up, staring at the two for a moment. “Nope.” He mumbled, stretching his arms out. “She went to run some errands.”

“When will she be back?” Holly quickly asked again, twisting around at the foot of the stairs. “Like what time?”

Tyler shrugged, “I dunno. She left, like a half hour ago.”

Garrett watched silently, waiting for Holly to go up the steps. A nervous smile covered Garrett’s face, trying his best to hide the fact that his heart was in his stomach. Holly didn’t want her family to know anything about partying or alcohol. She made that clear before the trip, explaining to Garrett her father’s views on underage drinking. Unless she was talking to Bryan or Sam, she never discussion her drinking habits with her family.

Before walking up the steps, Holly turned, pulling the blanket off her shoulders and handing it to Garrett. Her hair was brushed aside in the process, revealing Garrett’s marks again. The blush rose to his cheeks again as Holly quickly covered it again. They looked at each other, giving the other the first honest expression of the morning. Neither wanted her family to see their mistake and both hoped her brother’s eyes hadn’t fallen to her neck at the same moment her hair was brushed aside.

“Will you—” She whispered, looking at her brother as she spoke into Garrett’s ear.

“Yeah.” He replied before she even got a chance to ask the question. “I’ll bring it all up to you.”

She smiled at him, turning again and climbing up the stairs. And Garrett proceeded to walk back out to the car, tossing the blanket into the backseat. He stopped before re-entering her house, allowing him a few brief moments to silence his brain and stop the cycling that was happening every time she was in anywhere near. Garrett pushed against the door, walking back into the house to see Tyler sitting in the same position he was before, still staring at the steps.

“That game’s impossible.” Garrett looked at him, “I’ve been stuck on last level forever.” He turned towards the screen, looking at the younger boy’s stats for the game.

“I’m on the seventh; have been all night.” Tyler muttered, picking up the controller again and slouching into the back cushion. “You wanna—y’know help me?”

Garrett’s eyebrows rose. He did want to play, getting to sit down and stare at a screen would be the perfect distraction from all his thoughts. That’s how he zoned out at home when he’d get overly flustered around Holly. Sitting down in front of screen could numb him, making it easier to live with Holly sometimes. “I’d uh…love to, man, but I gotta get your sister situated and everything. And I sort of need a shower.”

Tyler chuckled, “Is she okay? I mean, she looks awful right now.”

“Yeah. She just not uh…feeling well right now.” Garrett replied, looking away then. He was never a good liar, barely able to keep eye contact with someone even if he was simply stretching the truth.

Tyler scoffed, “Right.” They both waited a few seconds, Tyler flicked his fingers over the buttons to the controller, resetting the level and pausing it before looking back at Garrett. “You guys go to the barn last night?”

Clenching his jaw, Garrett watched Tyler look at him, the same smile Holly had quickly grew. The boy resembled Holly, more than any of the other siblings he’d met. They had the same face and eyes, both’s hair the same shade of brown, and the same smile spread over their faces. He picked apart the boy, deciding what features were mostly like Holly’s and wondering how much of her personality did he have.

“Yeah.” He muttered, stepping back away from her brother.

“I heard it was big. My buddy ended up going.” Tyler’s attention was completely consumed by the video game now, his eyes glued to the screen in the same way Garrett’s were when he played. “Advil’s in the cabinet above the coffeemaker and there should be some bottled water in the pantry.”

Garrett took that as his cue to go wander into the kitchen, gathering the things he knew Holly would need when she woke up. He grabbed the entire bottle of Advil and two bottles of water before proceeding back into the living room, stopping again to watch Tyler attempt to beat the seventh level he was stuck on. Quietly, Garrett muttered out a few directions, watching Tyler’s character move it’s way through the scene, avoiding the obstacles that killed him so many times before.

Tyler grunted out a thank-you, eyes widening at the prospects of moving onto a new level. Garrett bit back a chuckle, watch Tyler start the new level excitedly, the character dying only moments after starting. “I might come back down later and play, if that’d be okay?” Garrett mumbled.

“Yeah, sure.” Tyler’s fingers run over the buttons again. “I’ll be here.”

Holly was asleep by the time Garrett got to their room. Her clothes were spread out across the floor, the ones she wore the day before laid on the bottom of her bed. The covers were tight over her torso, her bare shoulders visible, along with the top straps to one of Garrett’s tank tops. He let out a quiet sigh of relief, moving towards the table beside her bed, and setting the water bottles and medicine on the surface.

It was nice to get a break from her for a few minutes. He gathered up a change of clothes and his toiletries that he hadn’t even bothered unpacking from the last tour. Garrett needed a shower to calm himself down and stop everything that was distracting him. Showers were always soothing for him; the hot water washed away whatever was bothering him and scrubbing the soap across his skin left he feeling renewed.

She woke up an hour later, while Garrett busied himself trying to clean the mess of clothes she dropped across the floor. The shower may have washed away the trails of sweat and the evidence of the events but the memories were still there.

“Gary?” She called out quietly, blinking her eyes open and seeing him crouched over her luggage.

He was almost reluctant to approach her, nervous that he would allow that side of him to take control again and ruin their friendship even more. But when she whispered his name again, the second time sounding as if she were going to cry if he didn’t come, he rose from the spot on the floor and walked over to her outreached hand and taking it in his. “Yeah Holls. I’m here” He whispered, sitting down on the side of the bed and picking up the medicine jar and a bottle of water. “You gotta sit up so you can take this.”

She listened, pulling herself up from under the covers and resting her back against the wall. Silently, he dropped a few capsules in her open hand and twisting the cap off the water for her, handing it to her so she could take the pills and get rid of the pounding headache he knew she had.

“Look, Holly, we got really plastered l-last night.” Garrett cautiously spoke, avoiding her eyes again. “And I t-think uh…things got outta hand; I just wanted to say I’m sorry for—”

She shrugged, interrupting his words with the gesture. “S’okay, Gar. It’s just a hangover. I’ll be fine.” Holly assumed wrong; Garrett wasn’t apologizing for her drinking habits, he was trying the redeem himself after they kissed so the chewing feeling in his gut would go away. “Nothing I haven’t dealt with before.” She smiled, twisting her hand with his.

They were silent again, Garrett’s fingers ached in her grasp. His body was full of exhaustion, his stomach rumbled for food, his mouth so dry and begging for water, yet the only thing he could focus on was the way her fingers curled around his and the way even the slightest touch warmed his skin all over. She sipped the water, watching him as he stared at their hands.

“Garrett.” She whispered, setting her half-empty bottle of water on the table again, not bothering with the cap he was twisting around in his free hand. Holly squeezed his hand, shooting him a small, confident smile. “Snuggle?”

He pulled his hand away quickly, standing from the bed. The distance, yet again only seem to make him feel worse. His hand brushed through his still wet hair, jaw clenched, as he backed away from her quickly, almost tripping over his own suitcase in the process. “I-uh…don’t think that’s a g-good idea, Holly.”

“Garrett,” Her brow furrowed and voice softening, her hand that he dropped still resting in the same spot he left it. “Please? You always make me feel better.”

The weakness in her voice was what kept him from opening the door and leaving. Her words were thick, traveling into him and hitting his heart. Guilt was present again, and half of him did want to go curl up beside her and help her fall back asleep. But Garrett knew, he didn’t have control anymore. The events of the night before made her that much more irresistible. He wouldn’t be able to control himself like he used to; now just the feeling of her hand in his distracted him enough that every other sense seem to shut off.

“Please Gary?” She cried out again, pulling the comforter up as she sunk back down in the bed, her arm reaching out for him. “Please Garrett. I need you right now. Please.”

Garrett was torn, glancing around to see her buried in the bed, her face covered in disappointment as she watched him. Her arm hung out from under the covers, still in his direction. “Holls.” He mumbled, leaning against the door, holding onto the doorknob. “I really can’t—”

“You’re the only one who can make better Garrett.” She spoke again, just as quietly as before but more stern. They were more direct and Garrett tried his hardest to not let himself smile when she said them. “I really need you now. I need to here with me.”

Had she not of said those exact words, Garrett could have talked himself into leaving. But he couldn’t handle it, especially when she admitted what he meant to her. Holly wasn’t the type to remind him of those sorts of things often; it was rare that she’d even tell Garrett anything she felt towards him unless they were fighting. It never really bothered Garrett normally, since he was similar in communication styles. However, hearing her admit that then made it impossible to tell her no again. “Okay.” He mumbled, still biting back the smile from before, “Just hold on, lemme get my shoes off.”

He kicked the dark sneakers from his feet, setting them beside his suitcase and slipping out of he sweatshirt he wore. She scooted over as he lifted the covers, climbing in beside her on the twin bed. Within seconds, she was close to him, pulling his arms to the spots she liked them and resting her head against the side of his chest. The sound of his heart soothed her, giving her something else to focus on besides the throbbing in her head. She’d hug him more in those moments when everything seem to hurt.

Garrett laid with her for awhile, his own arms tight around her. His fingers touched her bare skin. He could hear her breathe and feel her chest rising and falling in sequence with his. Every little detail became massive. Even her smell became a focus. It encircled him, making his head light and his nerves sharp. As much as he wanted to, sleeping wasn’t an option; he couldn’t pull his mind away from Holly long enough to even shut his eyes.

The minutes drifted by, Holly started drifting back into sleep. Her chest rose and fell less, the tight grip she had over Garrett loosened. She seemed so comfortable beside him, his soft voice and gentleness made her feel good. She had the same effect on Garrett, even just her touch had some way of melting away everything. But now, it only made him worse. Her fingers brushed across the bottom hem of his T-shirt, the sliver of bare skin below it suddenly on fire at the gesture. His pulse increased, his eyes opening more. He couldn’t do this; no matter how much he loved Holly, these feelings made him panic suddenly.

He pulled himself forward, ripping his torso from her arms and her head falling against the pillow. It jostled her awake, confusion covering her face as she watched him frantically pull himself out of the bed. He didn’t stop when she groaned, scrambling to get his shoes back on his feet and forgetting the feelings again. It was an impossible feeling to shake again, the warmth of her hands seemed to be embedded in his skin and the stickiness of her breath across his neck would never fade. They weren’t little things anymore, his feelings for her were becoming more than just a crush or someone he wanted to kiss. It had evolved into these complex, heavy feelings, confusing Garrett. He wanted to touch her again, feel her skin touch his and startle him in ways he never had been before.

“Gar?” She flipped, looking at him through squinted eyes. “Wher—”

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, opening the door and closing it behind him, making sure not to slam it.