My Favorite Part Was Dying

Gerard buried his face into his old frayed pillow, suffocating his sobs. He was home, in the safety of his deserted room, where only one sliver of sunlight could enter through his small curtained window. He could hear muffled voices outside his door -- Ray, Bob, and Frank talking to his parents. After a few moments he heard their footsteps grow faint and the front door of the house open and close.

He sighed, letting the silence envelop him. Nothing could be heard but the sound of his ragged breathing. He closed his eyes, eyes that were starting to swell from all the tears that had poured from them, and drifted off.

"Gerard?" a soft voice broke through his dreamless sleep. "Gee... please." the voice pleaded.

"Mikey, please. Tell me what you meant." Gerard begged, finally lifting his head from his pillow and opening his eyes.

"Gerard, honey. M-Mikey's gone...." As his eyes focused on the person that had entered his room, he realized it wasn't Michael. It was his mother, Donna. She took a seat by her son and stretched her arms out to hold him. Gerard pulled back, he didn't want his mother to try to comfort him, she couldn't fix this. He felt like he should have been holding her, she just lost her baby.

"Mama, just leave," he said. He could see the pain his words had caused. "I-I'm sorry. I just can't right now," he whispered, holding back tears. She nodded and left his room, defeated. Gerard listened to her footsteps fade into the living room before allowing himself to cry. His sobs shook his entire body, coming so strong and fast he could barely breathe. Pressing his palms against his eyelids, he lied back down.

"Gerard -- "

"Mom, no!" he cut in, opening his streaming eyes.

Mikey was standing over him, watching him sadly.

"Mikey! Oh God, Mikey." Gerard spoke quietly. "What did you mean? How could you say that?"

Mikey sat down next to his brother, sat where their mother had been a moment ago. Gerard reached out his hand cautiously. He touched Mikey's fingertips, they felt real -- warm and soft and alive. Gerard suppressed another sob as he leaned forward and grabbed Mikey in a hug. Michael's thin arms wrapped around his weeping brother, holding Gerard close to him.

Can you really be here? Gerard thought as he felt those warm arms.

"Yes, I'm here," Mikey whispered into Gerard's ear.

Gerard felt like his heart was slowly shattering. He couldn't trust his own senses. Mikey was gone, but he was here, holding Gerard and whispering to him.

"Mikey, how could you say that? How can that be? You were in recovery, you were out of the woods. The chemo had finally done it's job.... How could the favorite part of your life be leaving it, leaving us?" Gerard sobbed into his dead brother's shoulder.

"Leaving wasn't the point, being free from the pain was. I never wanted to leave you. I love you. But I don't feel any of it anymore. It's all in the past, it's all over."

Gerard let his words wash over him, let everything wash over him. It was Mikey. His face, his voice, his scent. He breathed in deeply, trying to understand everything that his little brother was telling him. Just as Gerard began to relax in his arms, Michael disappeared.

Gone, once again. Gerard reached his hands out, feeling blindly for his brother. Wishing with every fiber of his being that he could bring him back, even for just another moment.

My brother, still,
I will not kiss you...
Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you.