Baby Blue

Ben Eager watched with a grin as his son ran around the backyard, humming and crouching down to play with crickets as they croaked among the grass; the innocence that he had almost made Ben envy him. His son had no idea about the horrible things the world contained, not conscious of the fact that people murder and steal, and he had no idea of the sicknesses that could steal life away from somebody.

It was bittersweet, too much beauty in the world during that bright day, that Ben had to think about these things when he was supposed to be getting things ready for the cook-out that Alyssa and he had been planning for weeks. Just a nice, content get-together for some of the closer friends on the Blackhawks, all good company with good food; Ben's mind was elsewhere, though, and it all started to sink in when Alyssa brought out the tray of freshly marinated and tenderized steaks.

"Baby," she laughed, rubbing her hand affectionately over his head. "What are you so concentrated on, huh?"

The nosebleeds, the headaches, the aches and pains that almost disabled him on most days; Ben didn't want to tell her this, he never wanted to expose that fact that something (whatever it may be) was wrong with him, because so far their lives had been perfect. With a baby on the way, a precious baby girl, and Alyssa looking as beautiful as ever and his son growing more and more, Ben couldn't stomach the thought of finding out that he could have an illness that may not have a cure.

"Just thinking," Ben smiled, kissing her lips softly. "Thinking about our new baby, how Little Ben is growing, stuff like that."

Alyssa could tell that something wasn't right with Ben, and it wasn't a new development but it was just something was beginning to become more noticeable; his complexion was becoming paler, his eyes drained of the bright blue they used to be, and his moans of pain were worsening when he thought that she wasn't around.

"Sit down for a few minutes," she whispered, rubbing his back. "You look nauseous."

Ben was suddenly aware of the tightening inside of his stomach, muscles coiling and bile burning his throat; but still, even through this awkward moment, Ben pushed a smile onto his lips and shook his head, rubbing Alyssa's stomach with an immense pride that practically leaked off of his body and soaked into the ground.

"I'll be okay," Ben said, sighing just a little. "It's just a little warm."

She watched him for another moment before disappearing back into the house to start working on the salads that most of the guys had requested along with steak, just because of the healthier benefits it had compared to a soaked-in-sauce steak they would all surely down in no time. Her soft flip-flops clacked gently against the flooring and she grinned when she watched out the back window as Ben scooped Little up and tickled beneath his chin, making their son giggle so loudly that she could hear the infectious sounds float into the kitchen.

It wasn't long until there was a knock on the door and Alyssa reached for a towel, wiping her hands off before going toward the living room and greeting the company half-way as they held a steaming bowl of something in their hands.

"This is hot," Nikkita said, frowning as she shooed Alyssa away from it. "I don't want you to get burned."

"Like you getting scalded is any better," she laughed, giving Adam Burish a big, one-armed hug that left her laughing melodically as he began to rub her belly instead of hugging her, eyes focused on the bump of her belly-button.

He tapped it just a little, then looked Alyssa and grinned. "Hey, what's cookin', good-lookin'?"

"Stop it," Alyssa laughed, smacking his arm playfully. "Ben will be so jealous if he hears you calling me pet-names, Burr."

"Story of his life," Burish mused, winking at Alyssa before giving her belly one last rub, ducking out of the room right after to either go outside and greet his teammate or check on his girlfriend to make sure she was okay with the food she had brought.

Once inside the kitchen again, Alyssa rolled her eyes when she noticed that Nikkita was finishing up the salad, mixing the different vegetables together and sitting out the dressings that she and Ben always kept handy.

"I can do that," Alyssa laughed, swatting at Nikkita's hands. "Get back, ho."

"Leave me alone," the other girl pouted, "I can't help it that I want to help out a pregnant lady that's about to explode all over the place. Your belly-button looks like you've got a doorknob attached to your belly."

"Don't even," Alyssa warned, giggling as Nikkita planted her hand onto her belly and gave it an affectionate rub. "She's been kicking a lot lately."

Nikkita gave Alyssa a look. "She's probably pissed as hell that she's not out here to eat some of my scrumptious chicken and dumplings."

"You would make chicken and dumplings," Alyssa winked, reaching for a bottle of water that was slippery with condensation.

Her friend nodded with a big smile on her face. "I know, that's why I did."

The girls worked for a few more minutes on the food inside, listening through the open window as Little Ben worked hard on breaking down his uncle Adam and convincing him to take him toy shopping the next day; they both had a good laugh when Burr finally broke down, Ben shaking his head and giving Alyssa a look through the glass.

"Have you talked to anyone today?" Alyssa asked, helping Nikkita cut and slice fruit to make a platter with.

After stealing a piece of apple, Nikkita nodded and said, "Patrick called Adam earlier and I answered, he said he's going to be a little early. Got a present for Little or something, I don't know. You know he spoils the shit outta him."

Alyssa sighed and rolled her eyes. "He always gets him stuff and you know, Ben and I can't get him anything for his birthday or Christmas 'cause Kaner is always slipping shit in. Goddamn him."

"Oh, shut up," Nikkita laughed, shaking her head. "You love Pat like a little brother; you love to hate him, hate to love him. If that kid needed anything, you'd be on it in no-time. Don't even kid."

Finally, after moving most of the dishes outside on the patio, they head the front door open and a bursting-loud voice echo throughout the entire house and backyard, Little Ben's eyes growing wide and excited as the mopheaded uncle he loved so much finally arrived.

"Where's my little guy, huh?" Patrick asked, winking softly at the ladies beside him.

"Un'k Patty!" Little giggled, wrapping his arms around Patrick's legs and squeezing, squealing happily when Kane bent down and scooped him into his grasp, kissing his face tenderly.

It was something that made Ben's heart pound deeply inside of his chest; seeing his son interacting with other people with such a bright, happy disposition made him think about what an amazing man he would surely grow into; it was just a simple, simple question as to whether Ben would be able to see this all happen.

Swallowing hard, Ben cleared his throat and went back to turning the steaks on the grill; Adam was already giving Patrick a hard time, playfully punching and slapping at him while Little Ben ripped into the present that had been skillfully hidden behind Kane's back, his eyes wild with happiness and his voice small and excited as he realized it was the newest Transformer model that he'd wanted for a while.

"Daddy, lookit!" Little said, holding it up for him to see.

Ben smiled and kissed his son on the head, running his hands through his blonde, thick hair, rubbing his cheek immediately after. "What do you say to Uncle Patrick?"

"Thank you so much, Un'k Patty, I love 'dis."

Fighting back tears, Ben rubbing his face feverishly and went back to his steak, catching Adam's eye once. They shared a gaze, Burish's eyes detecting something wrong, and he mouthed the words talk later before walking with Patrick over to the patio to help Little play with his new toy.

How was he even going to begin to explain what was going on?

---

Adam Burish and Ben Eager stood at the front of the house, their feet propped up on the railing that went around the entire porch area, beers in their hands and shoes tucked back inside the house. It was cooler in the afternoon, the steady hum of conversation drifting around the side from the backyard, letting them know that while everyone was keeping themselves busy with something, they had a brief moment to talk about what was going on with Ben.

"So," Adam said, nodding just a little. "You gonna tell me what's up or am I going to have to beat it out of you?"

Ben was quiet for a few moments, no amount of humor making him smile. "I went to the doctor last week," he started, licking his lips slowly, feeling how dry his entire mouth was.

"Okay," Burish nodded, sitting up a little in the rocker. "What for?"

Blue eyes watched the sky and Ben felt tears prickling his eyes again, not even able to begin to form the words to tell Adam about what was going on. A sob, soft and very exposed, poured past his lips and there was immediately a hand on his back; Adam rubbed the area of his spine, watching with a concerned gaze, scratching even in the places that Ben had told him bothered him the most.

"I've been getting nosebleeds," Ben whispered, trying to talk through broken words that were trapped inside of emotional sounds of his cries. "God, Adam, it just pours and at first I only got them maybe twice a year, you know? Now, though, I get them all the goddamn time, especially after games or practices, and it just pours and it hurts, so I went to the doctor 'cause I thought it'd maybe be my sinuses but I knew it was something else, Adam."

"What did they say?"

Ben shook his head, looking down at his feet as he sobbed again, tears running down his cheeks and falling from his chin onto the wood beneath him. "They ran some tests, I won't know the results for another week."

"Ben," Adam whispered, "you need to tell me what's going on."

Silence made both of their ears hurt, but nothing could compare to the sounds of both their hearts breaking when Ben finally parted his lips and looked at his best friend, blue eyes leaking so horribly that tears ran into his mouth and Ben could taste the salt of his own weakness.

"Adam," he whispered, shaking his head, "they think I have leukemia."

---

"Okay, this blind man's feeling his way down the street with this stick, right?"

Adam Burish laughed loudly, throwing his head back as he stayed close to Ben, knowing that he needed his support more than ever now that they both knew about what Eager was going through. "Blind man, huh?"

"Hey, shut up," Jonathan Toews said, pointing a finger. "Anyway, so he's feeling his way down the street and he stops by this fish market. He takes a deep breath and says, 'Good morning, ladies!'"

Everyone laughed, even the girls, and for a second Ben forgot about the things that were plaguing his mind; just laughing, a good, toss-your-head-back laugh that rocked his body and made his stomach muscles hurt was enough to make him feel a little better.

"That's a good one," Ben laughed, patting Jon on the back. "It's good to see that you've got a sense of humor, man."

Everyone was beginning to make their plates, and after Ben and Adam had returned earlier from their talk with red eyes and tear-streaked faces, everyone was concerned; but, of course, since those two were the masters at cover-ups, Adam told the crowd of people that they had gotten into a fight and they accidently poked each other in the eyes and that's why they were so tear-soaked and red. "That shit hurts," he said and everyone agreed.

Most of the men were shirtless by the time that they had all sat down to begin eating the food that they had waited so patiently for; Ben's toned chest was teasingly exposed to Alyssa and she felt her eyes drifting to him every so often, checking out the mounds of muscle and the way his skin flexed when he lifted his son into the air and kissed his cheek, offering to feed him toddler-friendly bites of steak and some chicken and dumplings.

Ben's face burned with an almost-embarrassed blush when he caught Alyssa staring open-mouthed at his body. She was pregnant and her hormones were going berserk, but he had yet to see her this submersed inside her mind while looking at him during this pregnancy with their daughter; he smirked, giving her a wink, and she instantly straightened and cleared her throat, asking Nikkita to pass the steak sauce to her politely.

"Burish," Ben laughed, sitting down beside him, "I think you need to wax your damn chest again. You've got some baby hairs poking up there."

Adam frowned and looked down, running his hand over his bare chest, checking to see if Ben was indeed correct; after a few seconds, many of the people at the table began to laugh, Adam's face contorting into a frown. "You are such a liar! My chest looks fantastic, you're just jealous."

Little Ben held his cup of juice tight in his hands as Ben cut up some tinier bites of steak and held them up for him to eat, watching carefully as his son chewed and chewed, smacking his lips softly enough that it could barely be heard above the light conversations that were co-existing around the table. Ben cupped under Little's chin when he raised his glass up and drank from it, just in case any spilled and wouldn't land on his soft skin, and Ben laughed deeply when his son looked up at him with the same eyes that he had and grinned.

"Is it good, baby?" Ben asked, rubbing his precious son's hair. "You look like you're enjoying that juice, buddy."

"Yuh," Ben Jr. said, nodding as he leaned his head back against his father's chest. His tiny body was growing tired fast and he couldn't stop himself from letting his eyes close just for a second, enough to allow a moment of sleep course through his veins; Ben rubbing his head, humming just a little as his fork clinked against the plate as he took the last bite of food that was there.

Alyssa watched with a protective grin on her face; her boys, the two men that had stolen her heart, were both beginning to slip into a sleep that she knew they both deserved. They had worked so hard today, and Ben had made such a delicious dinner for all his family and friends, and now as the sun was beginning to set and the flesh on his body was warm and tanned from the rays, she knew he would need his rest tonight.

Ben smiled at her, tiredly closing his eyes as he did so, and Little Ben snuggled more into his father's chest. They sighed at the same time, making Alyssa and Nikkita share a secret smile, and finally she noticed Ben Jr.'s body go limp with sleep as his eyes fluttered a little, already beginning to dream those sweet dreams that we associate with childhood.

"We better get going," Nikkita whispered, kissing Alyssa on the forehead as she and Adam stood up from the table, saying their goodbyes to everyone that was there. "You need to get those Bens to bed before they pass out on their plates."

"Call me," Alyssa laughed, hugging her tightly before turning to Adam. "Behave, I don't want to hear about you going to jail or fucking up."

Adam held his hands up, but for a moment he looked at Alyssa sympathetically; they both paused, his blue eyes digging into her darker ones, and she felt an awkward tension between them that apparently everyone else was oblivious to. She tilted her head and Adam frowned, closing his eyes as he felt the prickle of tears once again cloud his vision.

"Love you, 'Lyss," he smiled, kissing her cheek before she could even process what was going on. "I'll see you around."

---

There was thunder in the distance as Alyssa ran her hands up and down Ben's defined chest; her nails, soft and gentle, nipped at his skin, making his eyes flutter shut as she touched the places that she knew he loved to be scratched at the most.

In the darkness, pitch black and thick, even she could make out the baby blues that Ben possessed, leaning up to connect their lips in a sensual kiss that made her heart flutter in her chest; Ben wrapped his arms around her and pulled her on top of him, submersing his fingers into her dark tresses to tangle them and knead her scalp, massaging her sore skin and sucking on her jaw all at once.

Their skin touched almost everywhere, her swollen stomach not stopping Ben from running his hand up and down her side while he kept the other one on her cheek, holding her face steady as he swiped his tongue along her bottom lip and affectionately pulled her flesh between his lips, biting before touching his sweet tongue against hers.

Moans were lost somewhere between their lips, swallowed by tongue and moist mouth, and Ben could feel his heart pounding inside of his chest as she carefully placed her hand on his side and ran it along the border of his boxers, closing her eyes when their kiss ended and laying her head against his chest.

Thunder was still in the distance but it was growing closer, and Ben knew that Little would soon be knocking on their door, wanting to come snuggle with his parents while a summer thunderstorm raged outside. It was important to enjoy the time they had together in the blackness of their bedroom because Ben knew that life was short, and since he had found out that there was a chance he was extremely sick, he wasn't sure how many more times he would be able to lean over in their bed and kiss his wife's lips.

"I love you," he whispered, running his hand over her nose, pausing on the rounded tip just for a second before kissing where his finger had been.

Alyssa smiled, closing her eyes as he kissed her lips and then forehead, the scent of his freshly washed skin making her sink deeper into their bed. "I love you, too," she whispered, lacing their fingers together underneath the sheets.

She had the urge to ask him if everything was okay, and maybe pry into the real reason why he and Adam had been crying earlier that day, but she realized that this wasn't what she was supposed to do; Ben would come to her when the time was right and let her know what was going on, and for all she knew maybe it really was just those two being lame-asses because that's exactly how they were with each other.

Ben smiled, tiredly letting his eyes close for a second, before he sat up on his elbow and kissed her again, letting their lips meet for just a second, until he suddenly pulled back and startled Alyssa. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Ben said, shaking his head as he pulled the sheets back from his legs and stood up, not bothering to turn on the light on the nightstand as he disappeared into the bathroom and closed the door, finally allowing light to dance into his pupils and make his tired eyes scream.

Alyssa was confused and worried as she watched his shadow dance beneath the crack in the door that allowed a little bit of the golden light from inside the bathroom into the bedroom; she ran her fingertips over her lips, shaking her head before rolling onto her side and listening as the faucet came on and Ben cleared his throat.

Inside the bathroom, it was a different situation completely. Ben had caught the nosebleed before it had actually began to run from his nostrils, and as far as he could tell, there hadn't been any that had gotten on his body or the sheets; Alyssa wouldn't have to know that he was bleeding tonight, especially if he could just tell her that he got sick and was worried he was going to vomit.

He looked up at himself in the mirror and frowned as he realized that even after washing his mouth and face, there was still a red-tint to his flesh that made it evident there had been blood on him for a period of time. Ben's eyes were glossy and his lips were red, swollen, passion-chaffed and aching slightly from all the kissing. The sink below was porcelain with crimson dots, the blood still dropping from his face and onto the space below him even though he had already cleared his nose, thinking he got all of the blood out.

Ben didn't look like himself; he had dark-circles under his eyes and he was pale, so pale that he could have passed for a vampire if he hadn't been leaking blood from his nose. He quickly washed his face again, staying still for a moment to make sure that no more blood was going to filter from his nose and drip onto his wife or their bed or his own skin, and finally he collected the towel that was hanging near him and dried off his face, flipping the light off after he had tossed it over his shoulder and into the floor, hoping to God that no blood had managed to find its way onto the cotton fibers.

For a second, in the lengthy moment that it took him to crawl back into bed, Ben considered telling Alyssa everything that was going on; the doctors, leukemia, the nosebleeds and how he was terrified, but he chose not to. At least, not yet, because the test results had yet to come in and there could still be a chance that he wasn't sick, that it was just his sinuses, and he got worried for nothing.

He knew deep in his heart, though, that this was false-hope. Hope can do a lot of things for a man, it can make him and break him, and Ben was sure his case was a little of both; there was just no way that he could tell Alyssa in that moment that he might not live to see their family grow. It wasn't the right time, but Ben wasn't sure if there ever would be an accurate time to tell her all the things that were settled in his heart.

Eventually, it would all come pouring out of his mouth much like the blood streamed from his nose, but for that night, just that one night where his arms held her and their lips met once again, Ben just wanted to feel like he was normal again. That's all he ever wanted.