Baby Blue

It was cold outside the night that Alyssa went into labor; so chilly that Ben had to grab a hoodie and jacket for her, wrapping Little Ben up into a blanket while he sleepily sucked on his thumb, tucked into the crook on his neck lovingly. Ben helped Alyssa down into the car, buckling Ben Jr. into his seat, and then quickly ran back inside the house for a moment to grab the overnight-bag they had packed just for this occasion; as he was shimmying out the front door, cell phone tucked against his ear, Ben listened to the droning of the rings and sent a silent prayer up to God that somebody would pick up.

"Hello?" Adam Burish drawled, coughing softly and groaning, obviously having been asleep before the phone woke him up.

"Adam," Ben breathed, already out of breath as he ran toward the car, tossing the bag into the backseat beside his son. "Alyssa is in labor, can you guys get down to the hospital?"

It took a few moments, a soft, deep breath being heard on the other end of the conversation as Adam was clearly trying to wake up. "Yeah," he whispered, clearing his throat again, a little more forceful this time. "We'll meet you there."

Ben closed his phone, tossing it into the small storage place that was located beneath the stereo and heating controls of his dash, quickly reaching over and grabbing Alyssa's hand as she smiled, her contractions far enough apart to give her a few spare moments of happiness when the pain wasn't eating her alive.

He drove carefully, stopping at red-lights when Alyssa would give him a dirty look, telling him he was going too fast; after parking the car and getting Little Ben out of the back, Ben went inside and informed the nurses that his wife was in labor, and watched as they wheeled her away.

Off to the side of the emergency room, Ben could see Adam and Nikkita cuddled into one another on a makeshift couch; they looked cold, noses red and cheeks slightly pink, hoodies and sweatpants on their bodies instead of regular clothes.

"Hey," Ben sighed, walking towards them. "They're admitting her right now, thankfully. Can you take him for a second while I find out what room she's gonna be in?"

Adam smiled, nodding as he held out his hands and graciously accepted Little Ben into his arms; he kissed his forehead, smoothing away some of his shaggy hair, and then let him cuddled up to his chest before tugging the thumb out of his mouth. "None of that," he said, rubbing his girl's shoulder affectionately with the arm that wasn't wrapped around his best friend's son.

Once everything was settled and Alyssa was put into a room, Ben began to get nervous. Sure, this was his second child, and sure, he knew that this was going to go as smoothly as possible, but there was still a sickness inside his stomach from the worry over not only this newborn child, but also the cancer that was filling his blood and bones. He was getting sicker and sicker as the days passed, and even though his doctor kept insisting that he start chemotherapy immediately, he wanted to wait until after the baby was born to do it.

Now that the day had finally arrived, Ben felt like a weight had been dropped onto his shoulders that amounted to the same mass of the earth; he couldn't breathe, his chest shaking and his lungs unable to take in the large amounts of air that they had been trained to. She was six centimeters dilated when Ben had to leave the room, ducking outside to lean against the wall and collect himself.

"Are you okay?" Adam asked, walking up to him with a cup of coffee in both his hands, giving Ben the one he wasn't drinking from. "You're kinda freaking out."

Ben shook his head almost instantly. "I promised Thomas I would start," his voice lowered almost to a complete whisper, "chemo," then picked up again, "after the baby was born. I'm having a nervous breakdown right now; a new life is coming into this world while an old one, mine, might be leaving."

"Stop this shit," Adam said, sternly looking at Ben. "You're just nervous about having a baby, even guys who have families of six do this. Nothing bad is going to happen to you or this kid, so shut up and get back in there. Alyssa needs you more than ever."

Ben felt tears prickle his eyes. "I'm just so scared," he whispered, wiping at them when one of the nurses assigned to their room walked past. "Everything is so fucking real, Adam, this is that moment of clarity that people get before it all changes."

"Go," Bur said, pushing him back into the room. "We've got Little in the waiting room, he's playing with some action figures with Nikkita. Go bring this baby into this world, and show it how perfect this family is."

---

Benjamin realized that it was different to hold your first daughter than it was to hold your first son. With sons, you know, it was always such a touching moment because that was the life that would carry on the family name; he'd grow up and play sports, be a leader, that was Ben's clone in all forms, but it was so entirely different to have a daughter.

She was beautiful. She was perfect. She was everything that Ben had prayed for, and having her within his hands was a precious gift that he was thankful for; it felt so different to look at the newborn and know that at one point in her life, a man that loved her would be in the same position as Ben. His daughter would have the gift of carrying life, she would have the power to do absolutely anything she wanted in life, and Ben realized that through all of that, he would always be the only man in her life to love her unconditionally, without any boundaries. He would always be there for her, always support her.

His tears dripped onto the blanket that was tucked around her gently, making the pink slightly darker; Ben ran his fingers over the small hat they had placed onto her, smiling when she fussed a little, squirming with little mittens on her hands to prevent scratching.

"Elizabeth," he whispered, "you have stolen my heart."

A soft laugh was heard and he looked up, feeling guilty when Alyssa smiled tiredly, so sleepy and worn out. "That's adorable," she cooed, trying to get comfortable in a place that didn't put too much pressure on her sore midsection. "How is she?"

"She's amazing," Ben said, smiling again as he looked down at their daughter. "You know, they said that she's the smallest baby they've had this month; she was just over six pounds."

"Little body," Alyssa yawned, "big personality."

Ben stood up and sat baby Elizabeth down into her portable cradle, walking over to his wife; he rubs her face against his palm, leaning forward to kiss her ever so gently on the lips. They stayed quiet, Ben tugging the covers up over her legs and tucker her into the bed. Ben ran his fingers through her hair, smiling deeply at the woman who had changed his life forever.

"I love you," he whispered, kissing her again.

Alyssa smiled, cupping Ben's jaw. "I love you, too, Benjamin."

For a second, just a mere second inside his mind, Ben thought about telling her now that he had cancer, that he had almost half a chance of dying from the infection, and how his first session of chemotherapy was only a week away. He wanted so much to open his mouth and let everything just pour, all the secrets being given away for the first time because she deserved more than anything to know, but it was much more complicated than that.

"You okay?" She watched him, tilting her head to the side and trying to open her eyes a little more, obviously noting his concerned face. "You're a million miles away right now, Ben."

He cleared his throat, nodding and taking a deep breath, trying to steady his thoughts. "There's..."

"What, baby?" Alyssa asked, reaching for her glass of water.

Ben closed his eyes, picturing how upset she would be if he told her then, and how their baby girl was just newly born, so fresh and uninfected by this world. He paused, breathing a little harder, but just ran a shaky hand through his hair instead. "Nothing," he smiled, laughing under his breath. "I just wanted to tell you how much I love you."

There, in the moment when everything changed, Ben wasn't sure if he had made the right decision in trying to keep things from Alyssa, thinking that it would make everything better. It seemed, obviously, that keeping such a secret, one so life-changing as having cancer, was only going to do bad things to the marriage he was in and the relationships he had with his children. Ben was going to try and make things work the best that he possibly could, but telling Alyssa wasn't in the horizon for a while now.

Chemotherapy was going to change everything, more so than the birth of Elizabeth and more than him keeping his secret away from Alyssa. It was a long process, not for the faint of heart or the faint of soul, but Ben was ready to slip into remission and get his family started once again.

Ben wasn't about to back down from something like cancer, especially not when he saw his beautiful daughter and realized that she would need him just as much, if not more, than he needed her. He'd be damned if he wasn't going to put up a fight. He wouldn't be Ben Eager if he just sat back and let something run over him without putting up any kind of effort.