Head on Collision

Jack’s POV

I stared at Alex in disbelief. Why the fuck would he want to run away from me?

“Excuse me?”

“You heard what I said Jack,”

“Yeah I heard it,” I swam up to where I would be in front of him. “Still sort of working on the believing it part.”

Alex was avoiding my eyes. That much was obvious. He knew I could read him like an open book. How dare he? Why would he want to avoid me? Why would he ever feel the need to run away from me?

“Why?” I asked.

He finally looked up and he shook his head quickly.

“No,” I pushed. “If you’re going to say you want to run away from me you’re going to give me a fucking good reason as to why Alex. So why?”

“No Jack…”

“Yes Alex,” I moved in closer. I knew I was almost yelling a this point. I couldn't help it. I was fucking angry. “Tell me why.”

“Can we not do this?” I watched as Alex folded in on himself.

“Do what?” I had to kick a little harder; the weight of my jeans pulling me down.

“Fight,” he looked up at me. “Look Jack. I just. I don't want to fight. Not with you, not with the guys. I don’t want to fight against the whole school to keep some sort of normalcy.”

“You won’t…”

“I don’t want to lose the people I’ve grown to care about so much,” he continued like I hadn't said anything. “I don't want to deal with what I had to deal with in Essex all over again. I don’t want to put you through all of that Jack. Maybe you’re just better..”

“Better what?” I moved right in close to him. I swear to god if he..

“Maybe you’re just better off without me,” he said finally, his voice quiet.

i stared at him speechless. What the fuck was he saying? Where the fuck was this even coming from? I had been with him through all of this. Why would he think that I’d be better off without him? Wait, did he want to break up?

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked and Alex replied with a shrug. “Are you, are you breaking up with me?”

He looked away, over at the water, away from me and he shrugged again.

“Alex you know thats not…”

“Maybe everyones right,” he interrupted me and chewed the side of his lip between his teeth.

“About?” I was so desperate for him to talk about all of this. I could deal with the pain to start with because I knew i wasn’t letting him go. He needs to talk it out. He needs to let everything he’s feeling out so we can work on fixing it.

“Everything.”

“You’re going to have to elaborate,” I reached for his hands under the water, finding them and sliding mine into his.
i
“Maybe I am pathetic,” he bit his lip again. It was turning white with how hard he was chewing at it. “Maybe I am the reason Daniel’s dead. Maybe I did rub it in. I don’t deserve success, or friendships or you. Maybe I should just…”

I slammed my lips up against his. Fuck talking. I would do anything to stop him from saying what I knew he was going to say next. He went to start talking when I pulled away but I kissed him again.

“You aren’t going to that dark place okay?”

“Jack…”

I kissed him again. And again and again until he melted against my lips; finally kissing me back. He let go of my hands and I felt his finger tips graze my sides, moving around to my lower back and lacing there. He pulled me in closer to him. He broke the kiss and laid his head on my shoulder instead.

“Alex?”

“Yes Jack?”

“Can we maybe get out of the water?” I asked. “It’s getting cold and I’m really scared my balls are going to fall off.”

“Well we can’t have that,” Alex laughed and let me go.

He seemed reluctant. It was as if out here in the surf we were in a little bubble protecting him from everything. But mainly from me, and my questions and my probing. I started to swim back slowly and I was proved right when Alex didn't follow me. I grabbed at his forearm.

“Come on,” i pulled gently. “I don’t want your balls freezing off either.”

We swam back to the beach; Alex actually following me this time. As i stood up on the sand, i pulled at my jeans trying to at least get them to sit properly on my hips. But they clung to my thighs instead. I turned and watched Alex leave the water, the sunset behind him. His jeans sat just where they were meant to. Damn me not having an ass. He walked past me and plonked down on the picnic blanket, his legs crossed under him, his arms folded across his chest.

“You really don't want to talk about this do you?” I asked as i approached.

His response was just a look.

“Fine,” I shrugged. “We won’t. But…”

“Jack,” he interrupted.

“No,” i continued. “Just hear me out.”

I sat down beside him, ran my hand through me hair pushing it off my face and took a deep breath.

“I can’t promise that things aren’t going to be different,” I started and Alex’s chin feel to his chest. “I can’t promise that people at school won’t ask questions, or wont want to talk to you about it. I can’t promise that kids at school aren't going to look at you differently.”

I shifted a little closer to him.

“But I can promise that Zack and Rian, the girls, Dan,” I tugged one of his hands free and held onto it. “Those kids back in the auditorium. They won’t treat you differently. They’ll be there. I can promise that you’ll always have the support of your friends.”

“And more than anything,” I squeezed at his hand and he looked up at me. “I can promise that I’ll be there, right there standing beside you holding your hand and loving you. We can take on all the bullshit together Alex.”

Alex looked down again but moved around until he could comfortably rest his head on my shoulder. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, his eyes on the horizon. The sun was finally dipping down into the ocean.

“Don’t mention it.”