The Abandoned Church

I walk into the silence, engulfed by the dark.
It`s like I stepped into a completely different world; a world where I seek you. Chase after you.
I take the first step- fearless, but scared of what I`ll find.
My legs connect with the wooden floor and sends a vibrating sound across the empty Church.
Echo, echo. Silence.
The abandoned Church: where you are the angel and I seek you in the dark, wanting you to save me.
I stare directly forward, making my way with silently loud steps.
Echo, echo. Silence.
My eyes gaze around: the broken windows, wind blowing through them; the rotten wooden seats by my side, damp with humidity as I touch them; the leafs of trees from far away brought in by the wind, decorating the dusty floor. Leafs that left their mothers, only to lay down on top of their dead ancestors, rotten and over used. Just like us.

This Abandoned Church; once a place for kids dressed up in Sunday clothes, clutching to their mothers hand as she greets her friends. A place where little girls in Sunday dresses were chased after by little boys who escaped from their fathers sides.
(Just like I chase after you now).
A place where neighbors greeted their fellow believers, while Jesus’ big head looked down at them from on top of his cross. Big sad eyes, somehow comforting, protecting.

I look up at this same Jesus now: his crown dusty, cross rotten and his left arm broken. Yet the same sad eyes, same comforting eyes looking down at me.

I feel that you are close but you don’t acknowledge me; you want me to keep exploring. Keep chasing after you.
But I want to tell you I`m tired of all the games. I don’t even know if we`re playing anymore. I don’t even know if I was the only player all along.
Its getting dark outside, even darker inside. And everything now seems heavier, older. Too many shadows, too many places for you to hide now.

I’m cold, I feel alone.
Show yourself! This is driving me crazy. I'm starting to see you everywhere, see things that aren’t there.
Stop making it so hard!
I’m here, aren’t I?
Doesn’t that mean I care?
You should know by now, so stop playing games.

The silence engulfs me whole. Its too loud I want to scream and cut right through it, cut through it just the same way teeth cut through an apple, tearing apart at its perfection, turning the rich red into faded away green. Impure now, with all our troubles, all our insecurities.
Impure.
Like this Church.
Impure cause I am here.
Impure cause you are here.
Impure because want you.

A chill passes through me, I know you are here. I turn around and search, tying to find any hint you could have left me. Nothing. Empty.
I feel alone. I’m cold now.

I clutch to the necklace my mother gave me, holding strongly to the silver angel hanging there.
Another step.
My hand closes into a tight fist, where my fathers ring pokes through my flesh, the metal feeling hot in my sweaty palm.
Another step closer.
I feel the weight of my brothers watch around my wrist, too big for me, too heavy now.
Another step closer to you.

Here you are!
Sitting on the dusty steps, right under the sad eyes of Jesus.
An angel, in all its glory.
An angel of doubt, of uncertainties.

My heart beats faster, threatening to come out.
I try and search your face in the dark, but you don’t look up
You don’t let anything out
And I want to run. I want to escape you.
I can’t play anymore! I want to scream at you. I want to make you see.

But instead my body is pulled closer to yours. My legs moving by themselves; my hands numb; my heart still pounding; my head spinning; my blood pumping.
Your look up; stare, study, intrude.
But you don’t let anything out.
And again I want to run, again I want so much to escape.
But you- you keep me in place. You keep me wanting more.

And when you talk your eyes avoid me. I feel so sick! Looking at you looking else where, like I don’t exist. Like I’m nothing to you.
You laugh, and tell stories, and listen to others, and talk like nothing is bothering you.
While I, I foam inside.
(Hold my tears in. Try and not let the anger out. Try not to let the jealousy show. Try not to feel sad, knowing that it wont happen at all.)
Hold my tears in. Try to control my aching heart. Angry at you for now wanting me. Jealous of the attention you give others. Sad that it wont happen at all.

My eyes blur out; the sound of my heart miles away; legs numb; stomach in knots.
I cant.
So I turn around and I take the first step.
Boom, boom. Heart breaking.
And you go silent. You don't let anything out, not even know. Not even now when I`m leaving you behind.
Boom, boom. Heart breaking.
I run.