Status: Complete :')
Note to Self: Just Breathe
Please Just Love Me
I went to bed after that and the next morning I looked to see my dad’s car gone. He was at work.
I went downstairs to get myself a drink and saw my mum sat at the breakfast bar. I ignored her and poured myself some water, turning around to walk back upstairs.
“Where were you last night? Your father was worried.” She asked calmly.
“Father?” I asked. “I guess that makes sense, right? Of course you wouldn’t worry. You don’t need to.” I said back, equally calmly.
“Why should I worry about you? I’d much rather worry about Scarlett.” She said quietly.
“Oh, of course. The Golden Child who had to run away to Ireland.”
“To get away from you,” she snapped.
“Yup. Because I apparently blackmailed her fiancée into having sex with me. Tell me, Molly; you are a detective, yes? So then, I blackmailed Cohen, saying I would go to the police if he didn’t have sex with me. But if I did that then why would I tell everyone about it. So that Blake could hate me? So, Molly, why don’t you put two brain cells together and figure it all out,”
“Stupid bitch! I know where you were last night. Fucking someone, wasn’t you? I know you’re type. Love me,” she mocked. “Love me. You. Little. Fucking. Whore.”
“Yeah you’re right.” I admitted. “I do just want someone to love me.” I began to giggle, the drugs taking affect which really seemed to piss her off. “Mistakes are painful, but they’re the only thing that show us for who we truly are.” I began to walk away and began to sing, skipping along the way. “You love, you laugh, you love, you learn. You scream, you cry, you crash, you burn.”
I sat on my balcony, going on my laptop. I decided I was going to stay in today. I put a tab in my mouth, and began talking to Ashley. We had the closest thing to an argument today. For some reason she thought I was strong and beautiful. I wasn’t. I was a slag, a nobody.
She told me I should speak to my parents. Fuck that. She told me a letter would work, so I decided to do that
You know when parents say that they’ll love their child no matter what? Well, it’s not exactly true, is it? It may feel like that to you, but not to me. I lost my respect for you when Lucas died. It is said that your children need your presence more than your presents; and I know what they mean. You were never really there when he died. It was Tait and Matt who mainly looked after me. Where were you on Christmas Day?
I always thought that a parent would believe there child over everyone else. But that didn’t happen, did it? You believed him over me. That was one of the worst moments of my life. When everyone who meant something to me in my life just walked right out without a backwards glance. God, it hurt me so much!
I used to know who I was; but I just don’t anymore. I have an idea on who I am, but that’s because of circumstances. I’m just a fuck up now. And I want to change; I do. But I don’t see the point in changing if you won’t. It would be like taking me to the highest mountain, showing me the world then saying ‘this is what you can’t have’.
I was wondering the other day; what do you know about me? I mean, do you know my favourite book? Or band? Cause I don’t think you do. Isn’t it funny how day-by-day nothing changed; but when you look back everything’s different? That was all how it started. You just started distancing yourselves from me, but was somehow drifting closer to Ruby. She always was the golden child, wasn’t she? I bet you know what her favourite book her.
Shall I tell you about the night when everything went fuck up? The night when I was raped? No, of course not. I agreed to have sex with him, remember? I miss having my parents. No, scratch that, I miss the people I thought you were. Why is it you don’t love me? Is it because I sometimes have suicidal thoughts or is it just me in general? You know I think I have finally figured it all out. The only reason people hold on to memories so tight is because they are the only things that don’t change when everything and everyone else does. But words and actions are bullets; and they kill as good as any gun.
Why didn’t you hold me when I was upset? Why wasn’t you there for me when Tait left me? Instead you just put me in a mental hospital, claiming it was for my own good. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I just wish I was 5 again when all I had to worry about was when I would get my milk again. I don’t know where I stand with you, and I don’t know what I mean to you. All I know is I want you to love me.
I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ve let people take advantage of me and hurt people along the way. But I’ve learnt from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never forgive me, I’ll know better next time and will forever be repeating I’m sorry. I’ve learnt not to expect a happy ending; they’re just unfinished stories.
Just sort your priorities out before confronting me. If nothing improves I plan on moving out when I’m 16. Who knows, I’ll move away to America or New Zealand or something. That will be enough distance, won’t it?
Willow
I went downstairs to get myself a drink and saw my mum sat at the breakfast bar. I ignored her and poured myself some water, turning around to walk back upstairs.
“Where were you last night? Your father was worried.” She asked calmly.
“Father?” I asked. “I guess that makes sense, right? Of course you wouldn’t worry. You don’t need to.” I said back, equally calmly.
“Why should I worry about you? I’d much rather worry about Scarlett.” She said quietly.
“Oh, of course. The Golden Child who had to run away to Ireland.”
“To get away from you,” she snapped.
“Yup. Because I apparently blackmailed her fiancée into having sex with me. Tell me, Molly; you are a detective, yes? So then, I blackmailed Cohen, saying I would go to the police if he didn’t have sex with me. But if I did that then why would I tell everyone about it. So that Blake could hate me? So, Molly, why don’t you put two brain cells together and figure it all out,”
“Stupid bitch! I know where you were last night. Fucking someone, wasn’t you? I know you’re type. Love me,” she mocked. “Love me. You. Little. Fucking. Whore.”
“Yeah you’re right.” I admitted. “I do just want someone to love me.” I began to giggle, the drugs taking affect which really seemed to piss her off. “Mistakes are painful, but they’re the only thing that show us for who we truly are.” I began to walk away and began to sing, skipping along the way. “You love, you laugh, you love, you learn. You scream, you cry, you crash, you burn.”
I sat on my balcony, going on my laptop. I decided I was going to stay in today. I put a tab in my mouth, and began talking to Ashley. We had the closest thing to an argument today. For some reason she thought I was strong and beautiful. I wasn’t. I was a slag, a nobody.
She told me I should speak to my parents. Fuck that. She told me a letter would work, so I decided to do that
You know when parents say that they’ll love their child no matter what? Well, it’s not exactly true, is it? It may feel like that to you, but not to me. I lost my respect for you when Lucas died. It is said that your children need your presence more than your presents; and I know what they mean. You were never really there when he died. It was Tait and Matt who mainly looked after me. Where were you on Christmas Day?
I always thought that a parent would believe there child over everyone else. But that didn’t happen, did it? You believed him over me. That was one of the worst moments of my life. When everyone who meant something to me in my life just walked right out without a backwards glance. God, it hurt me so much!
I used to know who I was; but I just don’t anymore. I have an idea on who I am, but that’s because of circumstances. I’m just a fuck up now. And I want to change; I do. But I don’t see the point in changing if you won’t. It would be like taking me to the highest mountain, showing me the world then saying ‘this is what you can’t have’.
I was wondering the other day; what do you know about me? I mean, do you know my favourite book? Or band? Cause I don’t think you do. Isn’t it funny how day-by-day nothing changed; but when you look back everything’s different? That was all how it started. You just started distancing yourselves from me, but was somehow drifting closer to Ruby. She always was the golden child, wasn’t she? I bet you know what her favourite book her.
Shall I tell you about the night when everything went fuck up? The night when I was raped? No, of course not. I agreed to have sex with him, remember? I miss having my parents. No, scratch that, I miss the people I thought you were. Why is it you don’t love me? Is it because I sometimes have suicidal thoughts or is it just me in general? You know I think I have finally figured it all out. The only reason people hold on to memories so tight is because they are the only things that don’t change when everything and everyone else does. But words and actions are bullets; and they kill as good as any gun.
Why didn’t you hold me when I was upset? Why wasn’t you there for me when Tait left me? Instead you just put me in a mental hospital, claiming it was for my own good. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I just wish I was 5 again when all I had to worry about was when I would get my milk again. I don’t know where I stand with you, and I don’t know what I mean to you. All I know is I want you to love me.
I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ve let people take advantage of me and hurt people along the way. But I’ve learnt from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never forgive me, I’ll know better next time and will forever be repeating I’m sorry. I’ve learnt not to expect a happy ending; they’re just unfinished stories.
Just sort your priorities out before confronting me. If nothing improves I plan on moving out when I’m 16. Who knows, I’ll move away to America or New Zealand or something. That will be enough distance, won’t it?
Willow