Set Me Free

People shouldn’t be reduced to do things such as this, but what other choice did I possibly have?

Sitting in my room, tears streaming down my face, I realized that maybe everyone really would be better off if I just seized to exist. I mean, everyone just dies in the end right? So why not just do it now and save myself the pain and rejection that is sure to come in the future?

This wasn’t just because of Drew, no; this was because of what my life has been reduced to. I didn’t used to be like this, but now everything’s just consumed me so much that I feel like I have no more reason to be alive. I’ve drowned in not only my own sorrow and misery, but also that of everyone else’s. I’m known as the pushover, the doormat, the guy who doesn’t care what people say about him or do to him. I’ve had people come up to me and just take their anger out on me and then thank me for making them feel so much better. How do you think that makes me feel?

The only flaw I could see with all of this is that I have agliophobia, a fear of pain. I might not show it, but it’s there; it’s accumulated over the years of my father beating me senseless. Maybe I can go without feeling any pain at all...I can’t believe I’m actually considering this.

Would you hate me if I’ve said that I’ve considered this many times before. Never to this extent though; now I just felt like I had to do it. Something in me was pulling me towards a way out, a way for this all to just…stop.

People always say that suicide isn’t the answer, but...

Suicide, I pondered the word for a second. I didn’t like the way it sounded. It was such a negative word that was frowned upon. It should be called something else, something a little less...frightening. Yes, just the thought of it in itself is frightening, but the word just makes it worse. It should be called...a release. Yes, a way to be released for all the pain and torment. That’s it...I just renamed it, made it more bearable.

Did I know what I was getting myself into? Of course not, but I knew that it had to be done. But how? That was the question that haunted me as I slowly placed the duffel bag back inside of my closet. I no longer cared if my father were to just walk in and see me; soon, I wouldn’t be able to feel anymore pain. I was going to be at peace, once and for all.

Pulling back the chair from my work desk, I pondered over the notes that I would soon be writing. Should I go to school today? Maybe, just as one last goodbye. I’d say goodbye to Gabe and thank him for being my friend, I’d break up with Jenny and make sure to humiliate her in front of everyone. Why not go out with a bang? As for Drew...I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Should I tell him how I feel? No...I’ve already faced rejection from him too many times to count, why should I have to go through that again. Maybe I’ll just tell him goodbye.

Not at school though, he’d probably get suspicious, though I doubt he’d ask. Still, I don’t want to take that chance.

I pulled out four sheets of my ‘fancier’ paper and placed it in front of me, pulling out my pen and beginning to write. First to Jorge, then to my parents, then to Gabe and finally, to Drew. I’d thank him and tell him that he had absolutely nothing to do with this, maybe I’d tell him that it was because of him did I finally see that I really didn’t have anything else to live for. Yeah, but would that make him feel bad? The last thing I want to do is hurt Drew, no matter how much he might’ve hurt me. I’d probably leave the letters in my locker, so when they clean it out; they’ll be able to give them to their rightful owners. I sure as hell wasn’t leaving them at home; my dad would burn them as soon as he saw them.

‘Dear Jorge. I want to you to know that you were the best brother anyone could’ve
Ever asked for. You were there for me when I needed you and I know that you
Really loved me. I’m sorry that I have to do this, but it’s really the only way. I now
Know how you felt that one time when you tried ending your life; I finally understand.
You were able to find life again in Kris and I’m proud of you, you really did well
With yourself, but unfortunately, I can’t seem to find the same happiness that you
Did. Don’t think that I’m just doing this because I wasn’t able to find someone out there
To love me like Kris loves you. This isn’t about a boy, this is about life in
General, it’s just all becoming a little too much and I realized that I can’t do this
Anymore. I really do love you Jorge and I hope that you can understand.
I hope that you can move on with your life, but don’t forget me. Please.
Thank you. <3...
-Daniel S- Dane’

I felt that it was necessary to add on that he shouldn’t forget me and I really did hope that he’d get the best of what life offered.
Next note.

‘Dear Jorge Santon Sr. and Julia
I want you to know that I hate the both of you very much. Hopefully the cops investigate this
Because I want everyone to know what you’ve done to me; how you’ve treated
Me. If you really didn’t want any children, you should’ve stopped after having
Jorge, not put me through the hell that you have. I want you to know that you
Are contributors to why I did what I did. I hope you both rot in hell for the
Rest of your fucking lives. Once again, I hate you!
-Your son, Dane
P.S. I’m gay; suck on that you douche bags’

I wanted to make sure that I called them by their first names. They shouldn’t have the honor of knowing that I thought of them as parents. If I know my justice system correctly, the police will want to check the notes, to make sure that this was really a suicide instead of foul play. I’ll make sure that I can destroy them just a little before I die.

Die...

I knew what I was doing, but that word just...made it official. I’m going to die and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Wow, I know this makes no sense, but I felt a surge of power burst through my veins. Instead of letting nature take its toll on me, I’ll be the one doing it. I’m in charge of something in my life for once in my existence. Yes, it will be the last thing I ever do, but that makes me somewhat happy. Don’t ask; even I don’t know how my brain works sometimes. After today, I’ll never have to worry about that ever again.

Writing a letter for Gabe was slightly harder, seeing as I didn’t know him for that long. I did know that he got into a lot of shit for being gay, so maybe I could sympathize with him or something like that. After going over what to write, I set to actually writing the letter.

‘Dear Gabe
I wanted to thank you for being my only friend when I was in desperate need of one.
You will never know how grateful I am to you because of it. I know what it’s like
To be beaten because you’re different, because you just aren’t perfect.
Because you aren’t society’s version of ‘perfect’. I hope you never give up on
Finding the one thing that you need and deserve. I know that you’ll find someone
Out there who will make all of this just seem bearable and I’ll be happy for you.
You probably won’t understand why I did this, but the fact of the matter is…I have to.
There is no more hope for me and I hope that you can understand that.
Thank you again Gabriel; your kindness honestly meant so much to me.
-Daniel Santon Jr.’

That was all I could actually manage to write down without breaking down.

Thankfully, my dad left without coming to check in my room, I heard him. I was finally able to take that shower, but by the time I walked into the bathroom, I noticed that I should’ve already been making my way to school. Oh well, it would be my last day anyway, I can get away with being late for once.

I took my time under the hot steam of the shower and just thought over everything in my life so far. I know there are people out there who have it a lot worse. They can’t afford food or medication and just aren’t happy, but those of us who can get these things shouldn’t be so miserable.

I was rich and had it all, yet I was desolate. It was as if my body had turned itself into a black hole and that I constantly felt like I needed to hide. The fake smiles, the pointless conversations, the meaningless friendships, what is it all for? Why must people lie to themselves just to feel alive?

Women wear makeup to convince others that they’re younger and prettier than they know they are. I wear makeup to hide who I really am from the world. We’re all liars and cheats and scumbags, but no one wants to admit something like that, now do they?

Maybe after all of this is over, everyone can feel guilty for all they’ve done to me. No one has ever said anything bad about me to my face about me (just when they were beating me for some self-satisfaction), but I knew what they were saying behind my back. Maybe Jenny would stop being a bitch and learn to be nice to people once in a freaking blue moon. I doubt it. Maybe my kidnappers will fess up (don’t think it’s going to happen) and accept their punishments. Maybe the world will change just by me killing myself.
I saved off on writing Drew’s note for one reason and one reason only...I wanted to personally give it to him. Of course I’d tell him to wait until I’d left school to read it and hopefully he’d listen, but as of now, I was in no rush to write it.

I’d give it to him at the end of the day, not in the morning, when he’ll be tempted to read it. I don’t want him to worry and I don’t want him to hurt so I’ll tell him that I hope he gets better. I want him to be happy and it seemed like Echo was making him happy, so I’d tell him to get back together with her (if they broke up) and to stay with her because she obviously wants to stay with him. Even if that realization shattered my heart, it also mended me. I got to see what Drew looks like when he’s really happy.

I pondered some more on how I’d do it. How I’d go about this whole ‘situation’. There was no way I’d be cutting myself and bleeding out until I died; it just seemed so typical. Plus, I’d rather go quickly, without feeling any unnecessary pain. I’d already gone through enough pain in my lifetime; I think my last hours should be in peace. I deserve that much. I don’t have a gun and I have no idea as to where I might be able to acquire one, so that was out of the question. I couldn’t really drown myself because I was dead scared of water anyway and would just end up pulling myself back up before anything could happen.

Then there was the obvious way; the way that had been tormenting me ever since I first
contemplated the idea of a ‘release’.

I could always just hang myself...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Stepping out of the shower, I carefully placed the notes in a safe pouch in my bag and made my way to my closet to get dressed. Should I look especially nice today, or should I just slack it and wear any old thing. No... I’d make sure to look good. They had to remember me, right?

Since I owned nothing but skinny jeans, my choices were very limited. I chose the one that I’d saved up for a special day; this special day...my last day. It’s kind of scary how calm I am about this.

Carefully setting the pants off to the side, I moved to my closet to find a suitable shirt. Should I wear black on this day? No, I wear black mostly everyday, a little bit of color couldn’t hurt.

There was this one plaid shirt that I’ve always wanted to wear, but could never quite find the occasion. It’s been in the back of my closet for about a year, so let’s just hope I didn’t gain any weight. It was right where I remembered it, hanging in the back, untouched. It was red, green and two different shades of blue and if you looked closely, there was also some purple in there, I absolutely loved it. When I bought it, Echo (yes, we used to hang out, remember) said that the green and purple really brought out my eyes. I had no one to impress today, I was doing this for myself, for my own peace of mind. I also took out my aqua blue studded belt. I was all for going in my ratty black high tops, but why? The rest of me would look good, why the hell would I want ratty sneakers to ruin the look. I’m definitely not the type of person to care about what I wear, but today was special. So, instead of my usual Chuck Taylors, I decided on some colorful Nikes.

There, perfection.

Slinging my bag over my back, I made my way out of the door, grabbing a chocolate chip granola bar before I left. My car was parked down the block, but I didn’t care, the walk was nice, it helped me clear my head a little. My mind was completely numb, void of any real thoughts. Actually, that was a lie, I was thinking, but not of anything in general, my mind would stray from one thought to another, just trying to keep itself occupied until it would stop altogether.

No more thoughts would be able to enter my brain and that was okay with me. To be quite honest, the constant thinking really hurt and got to me just a little.

I arrived to school forty five minutes late and the halls were completely bare. Since it was first period, no one had spare; no one would be out right now. That means that I have to walk into class late and have everyone to stare at me; at least people who didn’t know who I was would now know Daniel Santon Jr., boyfriend of the school slut. I went to my locker first though and got my required books, carefully placing the notes (sealed in separate envelopes) underneath my other useless school supplies.

The social teacher hated me to begin with, but when I knocked on the door, he was glaring holes into my body. I should write him a note, telling him that it was all his fault. Ha-ha...bastard.

Closing the door behind him, Mr. Sams stood in front of me, outside of the classroom, trying to look intimidating. The man was like, ninety years old! How the hell does he possibly think he’s intimidating?

“Mr. Santon, why are you so late this morning? Did you go get a detention slip at the front?” He asked, furrowing his brows.

I just sighed and stared him straight in the eye.

“Seeing as this is my first unexcused tardy, I got a warning. Can I go to class please?”

I hadn’t talked in what felt like forever and was slightly surprised when my voice didn’t break. Not having any other choice, Mr. Sams had to let me in, glaring holes in my back.

Since class was almost over, everyone was left to do whatever they pleased and all heads
turned to me when I walked into the classroom.

I heard some dreamy sighs (bite me), some shuffling and even some growling (O.O...what the hell!?), but none of that phased me. When I used to dress like myself, no one cared.
I made sure to avoid eye contact with Drew, in case I just broke down again.

Jenny practically jumped into my lap when I sat down and placed a big, lip-gloss infested kiss on my cheek.

“Dane!” She squealed, making sure everyone heard. “Where have you been, I missed you.” She giggled. I am so ending this with her today...in the cafeteria...when it was busiest. Finally some payback.

The last two minutes were pure torture...for my poor ears. I kept glancing over at Drew, seeing him sitting next to Echo and...Gabe?

Since when were Gabe and Drew friends? Well, it could just be that Gabe and Echo were friends again and Drew still was Echo’s boyfriend, so he came in the package. I honestly thought they’d broken up; Echo must really love him. He doesn’t talk to her though, so I don’t see how their relationship is stable at all.

Before he started dating her, he seemed so excited. When he first told me that he had a crush on a girl, sure my heart broke, but he was just so bubbly and full of life. It amazed me how someone could be that happy (then I met Gabe) and I wanted to see him like that everyday. If he was ever with me, he’d never be that happy...I’d just drag him down.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The rest of the day was boring and uneventful, lunch seemed to never come, but here I was, sitting at my usual table. Jenny was practically glued to my side while she gossiped to her ‘friends’ (fellow zombie mates) about the poor lowerclassmen. I needed the perfect time to just dump her and make her feel like shit for all her years of making me feel like shit. Hopefully she won’t dump food on me; I like this outfit and would like it to stay clean when I give Drew his letter (which I have yet to write).

The perfect moment came soon afterwards when Keegan waltzed into the cafeteria as if he
owned the place and sat down right in the middle of Jenny’s ‘friends’ (fellow zombie mates). They all curled into him immediately and I could jus tell Jenny was itching to join them.

“So, Daniel, my boy...how’s life?” He asked, trying to look down one of the girls’ shirt. She just willingly scooted over to him and gave him a free show...slut.

“Dane’s doing good, we’re doing well; isn’t that right, baby?” Jenny grinned, popping her chest out at Keegan. I’d like to die right about now.

“That’s great Jenny, but Dane can speak for himself.” He shooed the ‘entertaining’ girl away and scooted closer to another one. “Did the cops ever find out who took you?” He asked, leaning over to nibble on the girl’s ear.

“No, they didn’t find anything on poor Dane’s kidnapper. I’m just glad he’s still here with us.” Jenny cooed, sending Keagan another sly glance. That was it.

“Actually Jenny, they said that they have a pretty good lead.” Lie! “The camera from my house got a pretty good look at the car they were driving. Won’t be that long now.”

Don’t ask why I felt the need to say this in front of these people, but I suddenly remembered where I heard that voice before. The person who had the machine animated voice was finally identified somewhere deep in my brain when Keegan said his first word to me, sitting at the table. That deep exterior with obvious defined haughtiness in every layer underneath. When that voice had talked to me that night, the man behind it sounded as if he thought himself higher than everyone and...so did Keegan. I could be wrong, but my gut was just telling me that yes, I had just found out who had taken me that night.

Who was the other guy, you might ask. Well, the only guy in this school who follows Keegan around like a lost puppy...Josh. Keegan was Josh’s role model; he followed him everywhere he went. They were the two who were the main tormentors of Gabe. Sometimes you can just tell that Josh doesn’t want to, but he also doesn’t want to disappoint his ‘master’.

Keegan visibly paled at the mention that the cops were closer to finding him, but tried playing it off.

“Oh that’s great, honey!” Jenny screeched. “Now I won’t be too afraid to spend the night.” Was she trying to be sexy? Oh God, I had to end this now.

“Um...you know what, Jenny? I just don’t think this is working out anymore.” I stated, pushing her away from me.

Jenny’s mouth (along with everyone else’s on the table) popped open as she gave me a look of pure disbelief.

“Excuse me?” Her voice rang out, catching the attention to some other tables. Perfect.

“You heard me.” I said, slightly louder. “I just don’t think this is working out. You’re great and all, but I need something new.”

“New? What the hell do you mean, new? Aren’t I good enough for you?”

“Let’s not lie to ourselves here, Jen. Everyone knows you’re a slut and it’s working for you and all, but I just...I’m getting slightly afraid of catching some unwanted STDs.” I said, hearing some snickers from other tables.

Jenny had stood up now and was causing a scene.

“STDs!! YOU THINK I HAVE STDS!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU THINK YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME!?!?” She screamed before dropping her voice. “Well let me tell you something, you won’t; I’m the best you are ever going to get.” She smirked, sitting back down and trying to curl back into my side. “Now let’s just forget this little incident ever happened and try to go on with our lives. Yes?”

“No. I mean it Jen, it’s over. I just don’t want you anymore; I haven’t wanted you for three years.” I made sure everyone heard that one before calmly getting up from the table and walking right out of the cafeteria. Someone had the guts to actually burst out laughing (loudly) and clapping. Everyone really does hate her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was currently in my fourth period English class, not bothering to pay attention to what the teacher was droning on about. I was too busy trying to write the last letter...the one to Drew.

He was sitting on the opposite side of the class and sometimes I’d feel his eyes on me, but I was too afraid to look back. Writing his was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I didn’t think the ‘process’ of killing myself would be this difficult. I actually thought about what I was going to say. I didn’t know whether I should tell him how I feel about him or not, how I should approach the whole thing or tell him how much he broke me when he ignored me. That wouldn’t help him feel better and there was nothing I hated more than seeing him hurt. I chose my words carefully and when I was done, I carefully folded the paper, placed it in an envelope and sealed it, along with my heart, shut.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was last period art and I was sweating by the bucketfuls. I’d give Drew his letter at the end of class; thankfully he was sitting right in front of me again, so he wouldn’t run out before I got a chance.

I spent the day talking to Gabe and trying to act bright and happy, when I was already dead inside.

The bell rang WAY faster than I would have liked and before I knew what was happening, Gabe had skipped off (his mom was picking him up) and I was tapping Drew on the shoulder. It was as if my hands moved on their own accord.

Drew turned around, looking as Godly as ever, still with bags under his eyes. I should’ve written in the letter than he should go to sleep.

“Um...” Quick...SAY SOMETHING!!! My mind screamed, but I came up blank; what the hell could I say? The letter had said it all. Instead, I shoved my hand in front of me and handed him the letter. My last thoughts were sealed away in that envelope.

“Don’t open it please. Not until you get home at least...or tomorrow.” I managed to squeak out.

Drew looked at the letter for one long minute before doing the last thing I’d ever expected out of him...Andrew Connelly hugged me.

I didn’t know what to do; I think I forgot how to move. I just stood there as stiff as a statue while Drew wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face in my hair. I guess I really am meant to go today; my last hug.

Risking looking like a complete idiot, I slowly raised my arms until they were securely placed around his waist and I melted.
Drew smelled absolutely amazing; it was as if I was already dead and went to heaven. I didn’t want to do anything drastic though, anything that could ruin my perfect moment, so I waited a while until Drew finally pulled away.

He didn’t say anything; just let go, looked at me for a moment, as if he was debating whether he should tell me or not and just walked away...goodbye Andrew.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I had to hurry home, in case Drew didn’t stick to his word and opened the letter early, stopping me from my plans. I also didn’t want to see his face after reading the letter.

Luckily for me, none of the housekeepers were here and neither were my parents, it was the perfect day. No other timing could be better. I didn’t bother locking the front door, so when my father came home, he’d go straight to my room and see me hanging there. I knew how I’d do it...from my closet.

There was a metal rod, high above my closet that was perfect. I knew that my father kept the ropes downstairs in his ‘work area’ in the basement.

Hanging wasn’t the ideal way to go if you were looking to leave without feeling any pain, but it
was really the only choice I had. I’d feel myself suffocate and try to get myself out, but that was the good part about all of this...there was no going back. Once I’d tied the noose, there was no cutting it down...I was a goner from the moment I tied the rope.

The rope was just staring at me, high in the air where my toes no longer touched the ground. It was calling to me, beckoning me to come closer, to take away my pain and suffering. Now that everything was set up, why didn’t I move? Why couldn’t I just get up there and go through with this? I’d written the notes, placed them on top of my things so when they cleaned my locker they’d find them, so why can’t I do this?

Drew was most likely already at his house reading the letter and maybe he’d try to stop me. Maybe he wouldn’t let me go through with this, which is why I had to hurry. I didn’t see his car when I drove up to the house, but he would come and he’d read the letter and he’d be there to stop me and I would live. But he couldn’t save me because I was already dead. This entire time, I was just a ghost of who I was before. A shell. A depressed stranger inhabited my body and he wanted to be set free...I wanted to go.

I stood up on a chair and positioned the rope at my neck, tiptoeing on the chair now. Just one swift kick of the foot and I’d be staring death right in the eye. One swift kick and no one would be able to save me.

One swift kick was exactly what I did.

In movies where they show people hanging, the only thing that happens is a guy pulling a lever and the people immediately dying...if only it were that easy.
Maybe for some people it is, but I just hung there, suffocating. I wanted it to end; wanted this all to be over, but there was always rain before the sunshine right?

I was slowly slipping, black spots visible in front of my eyes, no longer looking at the room I wouldn’t miss. There was a faint ringing in my ears that would soon be blocked out and before I knew it, black blocked my entire eyesight. I knew I wasn’t gone yet because there was still pain, but I was damn close.

There was a noise downstairs, or at least I think there was. Thundering footsteps rushing up the steps...maybe dad was home. I wouldn’t have to worry; he’d just wait until I died before finally calling the cops. He was no problem.

I must have been far off because I heard an angel call my name. But, angels aren’t supposed to sound sad, are they? Angels are happy, so why did my angel sound like it was crying.

Why was my angel trying to save me?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

‘Dear Andrew Connelly. Thank you!
There are quite a number of things I would like to say to you, but for
The time being, I’d just like to settle with a thank you. You were a good friend
To me and for that I am grateful. You don’t have to worry about hurting me
Because I can’t hurt anymore. I’m going to the one place where I can find
Happiness all of the time; where my dad can’t hurt me and I don’t have to watch
Everyone around me find their happily ever afters while I just sit on the sidelines
And wish it was me. I hope that you and Echo can last forever, she makes you
Happy and that’s all I want for you; to stay happy forever.
I hope you won’t forget me as time goes on because I sure as hell will
Never forget you. I’ll check up on you and make sure that you have
The perfect life that you deserve. Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean
That I can’t help anyone. I left three other notes in my locker for my brother,
My parents and Gabe; I hope you’ll give them to their rightful owners for me.
Thank you for being you, Andrew Connelly. Thank you for setting me free.
I love you.

-Dane...'