Set Me Free

Dane’s P.O.V.

I heard it all. Every word that he may or may not have wanted me to hear.

He told me that he really liked me. I’m still not sure if it was because I was in the hospital and he felt bad for me or if it was the truth, but I was just praying for it to be the latter. I wanted him to be happy and I wanted us to be something. I was on cloud nine, but now I felt myself falling. Flailing my arms all about, just daring someone to catch me, but I would just fall until...
Rehab? How could they think about taking me away like that? Don’t I get a say in anything? Apparently not since I’m still a ‘minor’. I don’t think I could’ve gotten a better nurse than I did. Ash, she made such a huge difference for me and I’ve only been here for less than a week. I hope she keeps her promise and help me through this. I didn’t want to go away, not now...not ever.

I was elated when Drew had told me that my father was on trial, but not so much when he only got a year and a half. He deserved life for all he’s put me through, he could’ve cost me my life and he only has to pay for (not even) one year of it. My mother got nothing, just community service, something that she could most likely pay her way out of. The only reason she’s not doing it is because she’s afraid of her business going under because of all of this. They don’t care, they never cared.

I don’t even think I want to go to San Francisco with Jorge. Yes, he’s my brother and I love him and honestly, I’d loved it if I lived with him, but San Francisco is five hours away. Now that Drew’s admitted to me how he’s felt this entire time, I’ve never wanted to stay in one place more in my entire life. Why can’t Jorge just move here? No, that’s selfish of me; look at what I’ve put him through. They don’t have to worry anymore, there’s no way that I’ll try something like that ever again. Maybe I should have just talked to Jorge about it, he’s been through the same thing as me, but...I hadn’t been enough for him back when he’d attempted this, why should he be enough for me now? Why is life so complicated?

Drew’s trying to make it as easy as he can for me though. He laughs now and he talks to me whenever he gets the chance to. He’s never left my side once, even thought that means that he’s not going to school, but at least he’s doing his homework. Well, he’s trying anyway. There are a lot of things he doesn’t understand, so he just bullshits some work and arrives at a random answer and he doesn’t even care. There are multiple times where all I want to do is laugh, but I can’t move. I can’t smile, I can’t laugh, I can’t touch...I’m useless.

I want to be able to just look up at Drew and tell him that I love him, that I want him to stay with me forever, but it’s so frustrating. My mind is working and it’s giving orders to the rest of my body, but I’m just not responding. Sometimes I feel as if I have a headache, but then I remember that I can’t get headaches.

Drew told me that I have something called hypoxia, which is why I was put in a state of comatose anyway, but I don’t want to be here. Suicide just wasn’t worth it.

Now I’m glad that I didn’t die; Drew telling me that he really liked me was the greatest thing that’s happened in my life so far. People would just say that I’m young and have no idea what I’m talking about, that I don’t know what such strong feelings are, that I’m just infatuated with him. I don’t care if it’s just some temporary schoolgirl crush; I love this feeling, this high! It’s amazing, like I’m on top of the world with Drew beside me and no one can ever get us to come down. I hope this feeling lasts forever, I don’t want to have to let go of something like this. I hope this isn’t something temporary; I don’t want to have to let Drew go.

But he’s willing to let me go.

Even though I can’t feel anything, there was just something about the air of the room after Ash had stormed out. Something about the way Drew was silent. I can’t explain it, since I can’t feel or see anything, but I just know that something is wrong. Drew is one boy who loves to talk to me and hold my hand and just be with me, but his presence felt almost...gone already. I hope he hasn’t given up on me. I don’t want him to go...I need him here with me.

Jorge and Drew were now talking, so I’m guessing the police officer had left; I didn’t like him.

“You think they can actually take him to rehab without your permission?” Drew asked, grabbing my hand again. Don’t ask how I know, but whenever his skin would come into contact with my own, something in my mind would just click, telling me that this was the way it was supposed to be. Call me cheesy, but this was just how it worked.

I could hear Jorge’s intake of breath and something told me that he was silently crying again. Why must I keep hurting people like this?

“I don’t want them to.” He sniffed. “He’s the only sibling I have, you know. He’s the only one in my entire family that I love. If I’d have had the slightest clue of what those people were doing to him, I would’ve taken him out of that house already.”

I liked how he referred our parents to ‘those people’. I wanted to smile, but as you know, I couldn’t really move.

A few minutes later (in my mind), Jorge got up and said that he was going to pick up Kris from the airport. He’d managed to get a week off from work and was coming to visit me. I couldn’t wait to see him again.

That meant that I was left alone with Drew. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother, but I’ve been waiting for this for the longest time. Drew talked to me more when Jorge wasn’t in the room.

“How you feeling, buddy?” He asked.

Sometimes when he’d talk to me, I’d talk back. In my head, of course, but I’d still answer every question he’d ask. It made me feel closer to him, like I wasn’t stuck, unable to move. In my mind I told him that I loved him and that I regretted ever doing this. Why couldn’t he hear me?

“Yeah, I know you probably can’t hear me, but I so wish you could.” I can. “You’re going to get better, okay? I promise you that you will and you’ll start a new life. You won’t have to worry about your parents ever again because you’re never going to ever see them again. I hope you don’t forget me.” Huh? Why would I forget him, he’s right here? Does he think I’m going to get amnesia or something? Even so, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget him.

“You do have to promise me that you’ll never forget me.” I promise. “You better have. I know I’ll never forget you and I’ll hate myself everyday, but I really have no choice. Maybe someday you’ll be able to understand.” Understand what? What is he trying to tell me? “I don’t even think I have the strength to walk away, but what choice do I have? Look at what I made you do... I’m not good enough for you…I never will be.”

Walk away? What the hell is this kid talking about? What the hell is he walking away from? He better not be saying what I think he’s saying. He left me once, he won’t do again…will he? He can’t do this to me again. He didn’t cause this to me the first time. I’ve been feeling this way since forever, he might’ve tripped me a little to help break down the last domino piece to the whole ‘suicide thing’ by walking away, but it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t just repeat his mistake! Could he? He can’t do this to me again! I won’t allow it!

But what can I do? I’m in a state of comatose; I can’t even open my own eyes. If Drew wants to walk away, there’s nothing stopping him. By the time I’m out of this thing, he’ll be long gone and there will probably be nothing I can say to make him come back. I want to move, to make him feel better, to do something! I’ll do anything for him.

It’s as if someone bound me down to the bed. Someone fastened my arms and legs together, then super-glued me to this cot. I want to scream, cry, laugh, anything...just let me do something.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Where are you going?”
I was dying on the inside. I wanted to be free, these binds were hurting me. I didn’t want to be stuck in them anymore. Why couldn’t the doctors see that they were hurting me?

Drew didn’t speak to me anymore, after telling me that he felt guilty and was helping me ‘get better’. Couldn’t he see that he was what I needed? If he wants me to get better then he can’t leave like this.

By the sounds of things, Jorge was back and Drew was getting ready to leave. Couldn’t he wait until I got better to get my thoughts on all of this? If he cares so much, why won’t he let me decide? I’m old enough to make my own decisions and this is killing me. I’m tired of people telling me what to do.

Drew mumbled an answer, causing me to try desperately to hear what he said. I couldn’t.

“You’re leaving again? You think he’s like this because you’re near him? Are you stupid? Can’t you see it’s because you keep leaving him?” Jorge took a deep breath and tried to calm down. “Look, you can’t do this to him again, please. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if my little brother tried this again.” He sounded as if he was about to cry again.

I didn’t hear Drew respond or even leave the room, but my mind felt colder, more detached. I wouldn’t be trying to fight my binds anymore; there’s no more reason to. I’m sorry Jorge and anyone else who cares, but why bother?

I knew this would happen; it was only a matter of time.

Who would want to stay with a guy like me? Living in fear that if they dumped me, I’d commit suicide. It was a one time thing and I promise that I’ll never do it again, but...why bother recovering from the first time?
I’m a lost cause; even my own brother’s afraid of leaving me alone. Why is he still here anyway? I don’t want him here, I don’t want anyone here.

Can someone feel pain while in a state of comatose? Can someone feel heartbroken when they’re not supposed to feel anything at all? Is it normal? Why does it feel like my heart’s been ripped out of my chest and chucked out of a window? Why is it all of a sudden hard to breathe again? It’s as if I’m choking again, but there’s an oxygen mask strapped to my face...is it broken? Why is my body no longer cooperating with me? And what is that annoying beeping? Why is Jorge screaming for a doctor? Why can I feel everything?

“SOMEONE HELP!!! ANYONE!!!” Why is Jorge screaming? Why can I feel someone touching me? Why.Can’t.I.Breathe? Why is my face wet?

“Dane, DANE! Come on buddy, stay with me...look at me.”

Look? I can’t look at you, I can’t see. Is he stupid? I’m in a coma, you retard; I can’t really open my eyes. Stop trying to make everything alright! EVERYTHING IS NOT ALRIGHT! Why can’t everything just be alright? What have I done to deserve all of this? What is that pathetic whining?

“Daniel, son, you have to listen to me, calm down; everything will be fine.”

Why is everyone saying that? It’s not true. My name’s not Daniel and I’m not your son! You don’t know what my father’s done to me, what he can still do to me. You don’t know! You’ll never know! STOP PRETENDING!

Please make it better.

Someone was holding me down, shaking me slightly, trying to get me to stop thinking. But what’ll happen when I do? If I stop thinking then I do nothing. I can’t move, I can’t breathe, the only thing I can do is think. Will I die if I don’t? Should I risk it? Should I just give up on life again? Do I have a choice? I don’t want to give up again, not again.

What is that gasping?

“Daniel, come on, stay with me now. Daniel, look at me!” I don’t want to! Who are you? Why do you keep touching me? Stop touching me! You’re not Drew! Why isn’t Drew here with me? I NEED DREW! YOU’RE NOT DREW! Why isn’t Drew here? Why’d he leave me? Why does everyone leave me? What’s wrong with me?

“DANIEL! Stop crying and look at me, look at me.” I’m not crying; why are they lying to me now? “Get me the IV. Hurry up!”

“NO! Don’t you dare pump any more drugs into my brother’s system or I will sue your ass.” Jorge hissed.

Someone gently touched my arm. Trying to falsely calm me down. I didn’t need calming down so let go of me.

“Dane, calm down please, just look at me. You can move your head now; so just turn around and look at me. I’m going to make it better okay, everything’s going to be okay.”

This calmed my thoughts down a little, but there was still that pathetic whimpering and gasping...wait, is that me?

Why would I be whimpering? Aren’t I still in a state of comatose? Why can I see sun underneath my closed eyelids?

Doing the only thing I’ve been thinking about for past day and a half...I opened my eyes.

The sun was blinding and hurt like hell, but my brain wasn’t registering the message that I should close them. It was then did I realize that I was thrashing about, kicking and screaming. Why can’t I stop?

“Dane, look at me little brother.”

I averted my eyes from the window over to the identical eyes of my brother. We both got my father’s green eyes. Good, my mother’s were poop brown and ugly. His eyes were frantic and filled with worry, but he tried to hide that under a mask of calm. He was failing miserably at fooling me, but it helped.

Tears were streaming down my face when I’d finally managed to calm down, Jorge’s arm protectively wrapped around me. I sniffled here and there, but I was no longer crying. I wasn’t supposed to be out of this comatose state for another three days. I guess my mind finally had enough of being enclosed. All that thinking and I couldn’t move, I’d finally cracked and broke free I guess. Why couldn’t I have done that ten minutes earlier, when Drew was still here. Now he’ll never know and I’ll go away to San Francisco without even a goodbye.

Tears still fell from my eyes from time to time, but I was no longer sobbing like a pathetic loser.

“Well, it seems as if your brother broke through the coma before we were able to take him out of it.” Ash explained, unhooking the oxygen mask from the machine and wheeling the thing to the other side of the room, where it fit perfectly into a corner.

“Is he okay though, nothing’s wrong with him, right? Just because he got out early doesn’t mean that something’s wrong, right?” Jorge asked, worry lacing every word.

“No, don’t worry, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your brother. This just means that his mind was fully functioning the entire time he was in the state of comatose. When that happens and the person is strong enough, the mind is able to break the barrier and expel the drugs from the person’s system. Your brother heard and understood everything that’s been going on. Something must’ve tripped something in his brain to cause his body to react like that.”

“What do you mean ‘something tripped’?” Kris asked from the chair, right next to the bed.

They didn’t even take notice of the fact that I was listening to all of this.

“Something must have happened that he heard where he felt as if he had to get out of this, so, his mind must have overworked itself to expel everything we’ve given him. He’ll be tired for a while.” Ash smiled, gently patting my shoulder.

She’s the only one (other than my brother and Kris) who’s allowed to touch me, since she’s the only one who actually took my thoughts and feelings into account this entire time. No one else cared what I thought and even though she didn’t think I could hear, she still stood up for me and gave me a choice. I will forever be grateful to her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They kept talking about something that I spaced out on, now that my mind was free, it didn’t seem to want to do anything. What was I supposed to think about anyway? How heartbroken I was, how pathetic and stupid I was? Maybe I’m not completely useless, but the little bit of use I am can’t help anyone. Everyone’s afraid to leave me alone, thinking I’ll just go kill myself. No one ever treated Jorge like that after what happened to him; I was there. Everyone just let him live his life, his friends stayed close, but not so much as to suffocate him.

Just because he did this doesn’t mean that he completely understands what I’m going through. I really need to see a therapist. Maybe that cop was right; maybe I really did belong in rehab.

Ash said that it was up to me. Maybe I should just go and learn to control myself. Maybe then people will want to be around me for me, instead of just so they can watch out for me to make sure I don’t try to off myself again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Night came sooner than it should have and Ash kept checking on me from time to time. Kris talked to me for a while before he got up and went to check into a hotel, Jorge following close behind, promising to come back before I woke up.

It wasn’t until they left did I realize just how lonely I really was. The blinds had been closed, causing the moon’s eerie glow to peer through the slits and cast shadows over everything in the room.

If I called Jorge, he’d come back. It may sound selfish on my part, but I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

Picking up the phone, I dialed the all too familiar number, the digits just flowing out of my fingers. It wasn’t until the phone started ringing did I realize that I’d dialed the wrong number. I was about to hang up when a voice rang through, breaking every barrier I had.

“Hello?” He mumbled, sleep evident in his voice. “Is anyone there?”

Should I answer? He’d probably just hang up, thinking that I was a creepy stalker and refuse to even think about me ever again. He said he’d never forget me, but I doubt it; he’s probably already back together with Echo, even though he said that he didn’t like her like that.

Tears welled up in my eyes again as I carefully placed the phone back into its nest, not making a single sound. He’d most likely know who it was, seeing as I was calling from the hospital phone, but I didn’t care.

I carefully placed my head back onto the pillow and willed sleep to come.

Jorge’s P.O.V.

I woke up that next morning at four o-clock, getting an early start to the day. Visiting hours weren’t until seven, but Kris and I were allowed to go in early. I wanted to see my little brother so badly, just to make sure he was okay.

I couldn’t believe that he’d actually do that. How could he not tell me what was going on at home either? Every time one of us would call the other, he’d sound so calm and happy; why would he lie to me like that? I could’ve helped him. Kris and I have more than enough room in the apartment for him and even if we didn’t, I would’ve still taken him in; he’s my little brother for crying out loud!

I was forced to wake up Kris, after staring at his sleeping form for about five minutes. I know, I’m a creeper, but I’ve been with Kris ever since dad kicked me out seven years ago. I didn’t even think we’d last this long.

The hospital was just down the block from the hotel, so Kris and I enjoyed the walk, but I was a little fidgety. I didn’t want that cop back in Dane’s room, telling him that he needed to go to rehab; there was no way I was letting them take my little brother away. I was the only one left to protect him and I sure as hell was not failing at this job twice.

Something was off today though. When I arrived at Dane’s door, it was closed and his nurse,
Ash, was standing in front of it, waiting for us to arrive. I immediately knew something had happened. Please not again.

“What’s going on?” Kris asked, grabbing onto my hand.

Ash took a deep breath, wringing her hands nervously before looking up and staring me straight in the eye.

“I’m sorry to tell you, but you’re brother has sort of...Dane has somehow placed himself into a self meditated coma...”