Confessions

Lila: Late march

“Mel?” I ask absently, while we lounge on the couches in the living room, watching a movie.
Normally, Victoria would be here too, but with the amount of time she doesn’t spend in the apartment anymore, Melly’s convinced she has a secret boyfriend.

“Hmm?” she replies, only half-listening.

“Why do you love Michael?” I ask.

“Because he makes me smile,” she replies, without a second thought or even a pause to think.

“That’s it?” I ask bluntly, straightening up in my seat to look at her.

“Well, isn’t that the point?” she shrugs, a small smile hovering hesitantly on her lips. “I mean, why would you be with someone who doesn’t?”

“I know, but…that’s it?” I demand repetitively. “What about…I don’t know. His looks? His accent? The sex?”

“All of those things, I guess,” she shrugs again. “I like how I feel when I’m around him.” I stare at her.

It can’t be that simple. Something has to be missing, right?

“That’s it?” I repeat stupidly, now most likely getting on her nerves. She’s been loaded down with homework lately. She shrugs.

“Why do you like Gabe?” she retorts.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Things have been weird with Gabe lately. Or maybe I’ve just been weird lately, not Gabe. Maybe I’m too shallow, or maybe I just think everyone else is too shallow, I don’t know.

“Gabe?” I ask.

“Delilah?” he teases, mimicking my tone.

“Why do you like me?” I ask, even though I feel stupid for it. He laughs, knowing it’s a loaded question.

“Because you’re fucking hot,” he replies, nipping at my neck playfully. I roll my eyes, pushing his head away gently.

“Seriously.”

“Well…why do you like me?”

“I…I don’t really know,” I admit. Maybe I’m letting Butcher’s words and suspicions get to me. But I’m supposed to trust him, because he’s my best friend. I want to believe whatever he says.

All I know is that things haven’t been right with my friends since I’ve been with Gabe, and I’ve already let it go too far. I miss my friends.

“Maybe this isn’t working out,” I say, feeling idiotic and cliché.

“Where is this coming from?” Gabe demands, confused and getting more frustrated by the second.

All that ever echoes in my mind lately is Butcher’s constant reminders that I don’t really know Gabe, despite how long I’ve been with him, and how I can never be sure if his flirty personality is all harmless.

“I hate Valentine’s Day. I hate that you still talk to Angie,” I blurt out, my insecure jealousy making me feel ridiculous.

“She’s my ex, Lila. I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m not going to completely ignore her.”

“I want to be able to trust you,” I say, even though I don’t recall him giving me a reason not to, not really. I want to tell him what Butcher’s told me, just to hear him deny it.

“You want to trust me?” he demands incredulously. “I should be the one with trust issues.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I scowl. He snorts sarcastically.

“Maybe you should ask Butcher if you don’t know.”

“Me and Andy have been best friends since way before you came into the picture,” I state evenly, clenching my fists at my sides, anger and frustration boiling in my veins.

“I guess that says it all then, doesn’t it?” he says, shaking his head at me before walking out. “You’re right, Lila. This isn’t working out,” he adds, before closing the door behind him.

The horrible thing is…I knew it was over before it began.

I could just never think of a good enough excuse to end it.

I just gave up.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I knock on the door. Sisky answers, but I ignore his greeting and go right past him to the bedroom, where Butcher’s working on his portfolio. He looks up at me in the doorway, expressionless.

“I broke up with Gabe,” I state flatly. “So maybe you can stop being a douchebag and we can start being friends again?” I cross my arms, waiting for him to answer and stop looking at me like that.

“Okay,” he finally replies, a hint of a smile ghosting on his lips.

“Alright then,” I reply briskly, turning and walking right back out.

I go back to the apartment to pack; we’re all leaving for the guys’ showcase in Texas first thing in the morning.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I get bored in the motel room while Melly and the guys soundcheck at the nearby venue.
Victoria’s laptop is open to the tab where she’s working on her project [as always], looking inviting.

…I can’t help myself. I hit the play button and watch. The scenes switch back and forth between all of us, our features blurred and voices distorted to a point of ridiculous anonymity, but I still know who everyone is. It’s still not fully edited and the unchanged parts begin to play until I see Butcher on screen.

“Do you love her?”

I immediately shut her computer, cursing myself for being so nosy.

“What are you doing?” she asks, suddenly in the doorway, fully clothed and dry save for her dripping wet hair.

“I…” I begin, racking my brain for some kind of excuse or defense.

“You didn’t delete anything, did you?” she demands, and I sigh in relief; she’s worried about the content, she doesn’t care that I was snooping.

“What did you see?” she suddenly asks cautiously, as if she’s some sort of holder of secrets or something…which I guess she sort of is.

“Nothing, I-” She raises an eyebrow. “I was just curious,” I admit.

“Nosy, you mean,” she rolls her eyes, scoffing.

“That’s not fair,” I counter. “You know so much about all of us, but you never tell us anything. Everyone knows something’s going on, even if you won’t say.” I’m trying to divert her questions away from me, but at the same time, what I’m saying is true.

“I go along with your stupid games-” she retorts, as if the drinking game were my idea, my fault.

The strange thing is…I have no idea who invented that game - I can’t remember for the life of me.

“It’s not my-”

“That’s not the point,” she cuts me off. “That’s not what I wanted to tell you.” I frown, confused. “Gabe’s a good guy, Lila. You just let all Andy’s bullshit get in the way. I think you would have figured it out by now.” She shakes her head at me. “Or don’t you see that Butcher’s just been waiting for this?”

“He wouldn’t…”

“You know, I thought maybe you and Gabe would just have a fling then you’d realize it’s supposed to be Butcher. Now…with the things Butcher’s done…I don’t even know anymore, Lila.”

“What do you mean, what he’s done?” I ask, it slowly dawning on me.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I watch them play their hearts out for this show, but all I can think about is what Victoria said to me, and it makes me angry and confused.

I corner him when they get offstage. He’s still sweating and smiling from their set, but I don’t hesitate.

“What the fuck, Butcher!” I blurt out first, tactlessly.

“Uh…” he starts, confused.

“This entire time you were sabotaging us from the beginning!” I accuse him.

“I…” he’s still confused, but then suddenly the light bulb goes off and his face drains of color. “Lila, I-”

“You what?” I ask, arms crossed and challenging, waiting for an excuse. “Don’t say you’re fucking sorry, either.”

“Then I’m not,” he replies, no longer speechless, now he’s just malicious, because I’m pissed. “I’m glad you broke up with him. I’m glad it’s my fault. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Why’d you have to go and mess up a perfectly good- why would you do that to me?” I demand, frustrated. “You’re supposed to be my best friend, you’re supposed to want me to be happy!”

“Don’t give me that bullshit Lila! You were not happy!” I notice people are staring, but by now I’m past giving a fuck.

“I was trying to be,” I retort. I know it’s not all his fault, he was just the catalyst for my realizations, but I can’t believe I let him influence my decisions like that. I laugh humorlessly. “And I believed your fucking stories. Well, you got what you wanted, asshole.
I’m alone.” I walk away.

I thought I was happy, with Gabe; I was almost sure I was, until Butcher confused me.

I just can’t understand why he’s not content unless I’m unhappy right there with him.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“I’m sorry, Gabe,” I say, chewing my thumbnail while I wait for his response on the other end of the line.

“Lila…the bottom line is, you didn’t trust me,” he says. “And it was shitty the way you ended it.”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” I say. I know it won’t help anything now, and I’m not expecting anything, either.

“Besides, he must care a lot,” he remarks, off-handedly.

“What?”

“Andy. He must care a lot about you if he worked that hard to break us up.” He says. “You said it yourself, Lila.”

“I said…?”

“You said he was your best friend since way before you met me,” he reminds me. “I can’t compete with that, Lila. No one can.”

He hangs up before I get to ask him what he means by it.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The van is almost completely silent on the drive back to Chicago.

As for the rest of our trip? Everything went downhill after the show and my scene with Andy.
Victoria is still annoyed with me and will barely talk to anyone.

Butcher won’t talk to me for obvious reasons, and everyone else is mad at me because of that.

William and Mike pick the music in the front seats, talking quietly but excitedly about the possible record deal.

Melly and Michael whisper to each to each other in the back, confused by the obvious tension.

Sisky is oblivious to the tense atmosphere; asleep on the floor of the van near my feet.

There’s two months left until graduation.