Confessions

Victoria: Late April

It’s done.

All my work, this project I’ve slaved over since September is finally finished.

But I still feel something’s…incomplete.

I’m not annoyed at Lila anymore, but it’s still weird at home.

Lila doesn’t talk to me while Melly the chatterbox tries to fill the awkward silences with whatever random nonsense pops into her head.

When I’m not working or doing homework, I’ve been with my band or Jack, so I haven’t seen the guys that much lately, either.

It’s strange.

And what Lila mentioned during spring break still bothers me.

Am I really that introverted?

“Jack?” I ask. I’m visiting him on his lunch break before I head off to work. He waits for me to continue. “Do you think I’m…I don’t know. Reclusive?”

“You’re just hard to get to know,” he offers.

“You’re being nice.”

“You don’t like other people to know how you’re feeling,” he shrugs. “Why?”

“I…because I don’t want them to-”

“I meant, why are you asking?” he clarifies.

“Oh,” I answer, a little embarrassed, but unsure why. Then I realize they’re right. Lila’s right.

I always hide behind my video camera, where I’m safe.

If I’m asking questions, then no one gets to ask me any.

But it’s not fair, is it?

I know everything there is to know about my friends, but I never let them in.

I realize that the only time I can be completely open with them is during our stupid game.

“Jack?” I ask suddenly.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to…to be…together?”

“With you?”

I exhale and automatically roll my eyes.

“Yes.”

“Are you crazy?” he replies, and my heart jumps anxiously in my chest with uncertainty.

I open my mouth to reply, maybe to say “never mind,” but he beats me to it:

He leans over the table to kiss me briefly before I realize he’s done it. He grins goofily.

“Of course I do.”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I tell him – Jack - I tell Jack things.

I hesitantly explain to him that I’m moving to New York in the summer in time for grad school in the fall, thinking that maybe he won’t want a long-distance thing and break up with me.

That’s what I’m expecting, anyway, with my pessimism and all.

Instead, he says he’s going back to Maryland after graduation and that it’s not even that far of a drive for him.

- I have to smile.

I introduce him to Melly, he introduces me to his bandmates.

I go to all his shows, and he goes to all mine.

I tell him about my fight with Lila, and how it’ll be weird if we don’t make up soon because we’re going to the same school in the fall and were planning on staying roommates.

“It’s only few weeks until we graduate,” he points out. “Are you really going to let the year end like that?” he asks.

For someone who doesn’t take himself seriously, he knows exactly what to say sometimes.

“I think I’m going to love you,” he likes to tell me; he likes to make me blush.

I don’t love him – I still don’t know what love is, really.

But maybe…maybe this could work.

Maybe I’ll like it.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“Our lease is up at the end of May,” Melly reminds us, a rare moment that her, Lila, and I are at the apartment at the same time.

Lila and I don’t reply.

“For fuck’s sake!” Melly exclaims suddenly. “You two are the most stubborn people I know!” She scowls and crosses her arms bossily. “Talk to each other. Right. Now.”

“This…this is really stupid, isn’t it?” I begin finally, thinking about what Jack said.

“Yeah,” Lila agrees, offering a half-smile.

“Sorry for being a bitch,” I reply, grimacing a little.

“Sorry for being an even bigger bitch,” she argues.

We fall silent for awhile.

“So…who’s Jack?” she asks finally, and Melly smiles teasingly while I blush and sputter out a quick explanation.

“What are you going to do about Butcher?” I ask, after I tell her what’s been going on with me lately.

She can only shrug.