Confessions

Michael: November

“Do you think you’ll have trouble, finding a job after school?”

I look out the window as she waits for my answer.

I hate that Melly guilt-tripped me into this.

Victoria coughs, prompting.

“No. Maybe, yeah. I don’t know.”

“Then what are you so worried about?”

“I…” I trail off, because I don’t even really know.

She waits patiently.

I look at the camera straight on, even though I hate it.

“I guess I’m afraid of letting down my parents.”

“Why?”

“Why?” I repeat incredulously. “Because…because…” I trail off disjointedly, and I start to wonder why it’s so important to me that they approve. “I guess I feel like I owe them something. I’m here because of them. I don’t want to be ungrateful.”

“That’s why you don’t want to graduate?”

“I don’t mind graduating,” I amend. “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do afterwards.”

“Do about what?”

I frown, pausing for a few seconds.

“Everything.”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“Dad…”

“Michael, we didn’t send you to school to be fucking around. You’ll never find a future wasting your time with this girl. You need to get your grades back up, you hear? What kind of example do you think you’re setting for your brothers and sisters?”

“I know, dad,” I mumble, still wishing I hadn’t fucked up my GPA last semester.

It seems like the only calls I get from home these days are angry ones from my father.

“I have a friend in the States. Jacob. He works in insurance. In New York. He’ll give you a decent job after you graduate.”

“Dad. I don’t want to work in-” I attempt to argue.

“It’s your choice, Michael. You can be reasonable, and give up the girl and the guitar and get a real job, or you can come home, where you belong.”

“Dad-” I try to interrupt again, frustration starting to settle in at his lack of understanding.

“Don’t mess up your future for this girl, Michael. Do you really think it will take her long move on?”

My throat tightens at the thought.

“I’ll give you until the holidays, Michael. I want a definite answer the next time I see you.”

He hangs up.

“Fuck!” I exclaim in frustration, hitting the wall angrily.

“You okay?” Mike pokes his head into the room.

“Yeah,” I reply quickly, waving his concern away.

Winter break is in a month and a half, and there’s no way I’ll be able to gather up the courage to tell them I don’t want to come home at all.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“I can’t believe she’s going out with him!” Butcher growls in annoyance.

“He’s not so bad…” William trails off hesitantly.

“Yeah, defend your new best friend,” Butcher spits sourly.

William purses his lips but doesn’t say anything. He goes back to his work, tapping a pen against his notebook, probably another poem or story for his creative writing class.

“It’s just a date, Butcher,” Mike rolls his eyes as Andy continues to sulk, and he and Sisky continue to play videogames.

“Their third date,” he corrects. “Has she said anything about it to Melly?” Butcher asks me. I shrug, confused. I’m still thinking about the lovely phone call from my father yesterday.

“We didn’t talk about Lila’s love life today,” I reply. “Sorry, Butch. Maybe it will come up tomorrow.” Mike and Sisky snort in amusement at my comment.

“Funny, Chiz,” he comments dryly. “How would you feel if Melly went out with him?”

“What does that even mean, Butch?” Mike rolls his eyes, annoyed.

“Are Victoria and Melly still coming over?” Sisky asks, obviously bored of the previous topic, as he mashes buttons on his control pad.

“Melly has class tonight,” I offer.

“I haven’t seen Victoria in a few days,” William pipes up. “It’s weird.”

“Melly says she’s hardly at their apartment anymore,” I offer. The only time I saw her this week at all was while she was working on her documentary project.

“Guys,” Mike interrupts, just as William opens his mouth to reply. “Did we come over to play mindless videogames or gossip like the girls probably do before they go to sleep every night?”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

The lights beaming down on the small stage are hot and too bright, but I don’t really notice for the most part.

I concentrate on my guitar, ignoring the temptation to glance at Melly working the soundboard in the back, near the bar.

Temptation wins and I glance at her, almost missing a note.

She grins, prompting me to smile more as well.

I turn my attention back to playing, where it should be.

Rumors are that small label reps might be hidden somewhere in the crowd tonight.

According to Mike, anyway.

In the back of my mind, what I think is getting signed would solve all my problems.

I’m not stupid; I’m not expecting fame and fortune, and I don’t want that anyways.

I just know I’d be happy if there was a way I could do this without having to worry about the future.

It’s all wishful thinking, of course.

I glance up again, and Melly’s smile takes my mind off everything for the few seconds I take to scan the crowd.

I see Gabe and Lila somewhere near the left wall.

Victoria with a skinny tall guy I don’t recognize closer to the front right of the stage.

Our set flies by quickly and without mishap.

I reunite with Melly only after we pack up our equipment.

“Here,” she says, handing me a glass of something alcoholic, I’m sure.

“What is it?” I ask, taking the cup for a sip.

“Not sure. Got it for free,” she shrugs. “Actually, my chest got it for free,” she jokes.

“Don’t tell me that,” I groan, hazarding a glance over at the bartender, who’s still watching her.

“Sorry,” she apologizes.

For a few brief seconds, my throat tightens, reminding me of what my dad said.

I know Melly could have anybody she wants.

She’d get over me in no time at all.

She suddenly intertwines her fingers with mine, tugging me towards the doors to leave, even though all our friends are staying at the bar for awhile.

When we reach the door to mine, Mike, and William’s apartment, she pulls my face down to kiss me reassuringly.

“I love you,” she says, smiling as my heart beats faster, and I realize that lately, Melly’s the only thing in my life I’m even remotely sure about.