Confessions

Lila: Early December

“They’re good, right?” I practically have to shout to Andy over the music. “Different, but good, you know?”

“Yeah,” he replies, absently, as we’re crammed shoulder to shoulder in the constantly moving crowd. “Good.”

I want to ask him what his problem is, but I keep my thoughts to myself.

It’s not the time or place.

I don’t let his mood spoil my good time. Victoria and Gabe and their bandmates are doing amazingly on stage, and I’m having fun.

I shake my head at Gabe when he winks at me after their last song.

“He probably does that to everyone, you know,” Butcher states, failing to hide his annoyance.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I retort. He just shakes his head at me, and I frown. People elbow past us to head for the bar or to leave.

“Nothing,” he scowls back.

“Whatever, Butch,” I roll my eyes impatiently and join the crowd at the bar.

“Red Bull and vodka, please,” I tell the bartender, handing over my I.D.

“Two,” a voice says, wrapping an arm around my waist and handing some cash to the bartender.

“Hey,” I smile, turning to face Gabe and wriggling free of his grip. He answers with a quick kiss to my lips.

“I have to help pack everything up. Are you going to stick around?” he asks.

“Sure,” is my immediate reply.

“Great,” he smiles, taking our drinks from the bartender and handing me one before going back to the small stage to help his bandmates.

I spot Melly, Michael, William, and Mike talking nearby and head over to join them, but Butcher gets to me before I get there.

“Me and Sisky are leaving,” he informs me shortly.

“Why? Are you going home?” I frown, a little confused.

“Maybe,” he answers vaguely. “I’ll see you tomorrow, probably.”

He’s headed out the door with Sisky before I can say “bye.”

“What’s his problem, anyway?” I exclaim in annoyance to the four of them.

Michael says nothing and looks at Melly, who pointedly rolls her eyes at me. Mike and William just give me the same look as hers that implies I’m dumb. Or at least that’s what it seems like to me.

“Fine. I know he’s jealous I’ve been hanging with Gabe,” I admit grudgingly.

I just don’t know how to tell him he has absolutely nothing to be jealous about.

Me, on the other hand, I know the feeling when I catch a glimpse of Gabe talking to his ex-girlfriend after he’s done helping his bandmates.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“Hey!” I ignore him and continue walking down the street to my apartment. “Lila!”

“What?” I ask him dully as he walks faster to match my pace. I’m sleep-deprived and in a bad mood.

I stop at the entrance to the complex.

“I’m sorry about this weekend, okay? I was-”

“Jealous?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. He opens his mouth to disagree, then changes his mind.

“Yeah. I’m jealous. Okay? Sorry.” He looks like he wants to say something else, so I wait.

He just looks at me.

“Well?” I ask impatiently.

“Do you have time to work on our portfolios?” I purse my lips.

“Fine. Right now?” I ask grudgingly.

He just gives me a hopeful look, so I let him follow me upstairs.

“Do you know what you’re doing for yours yet?” I ask curiously, letting go of my original annoyance as I open the fridge to decide what to make for lunch.

“So, what, is he your boyfriend now?” he asks, after a pleasant silence.

“No,” I state flatly in annoyance, as I make sandwiches for us. “Can you just fucking drop it, already? We’re just hanging out, is that alright with you, mom?”

He’s surprised by my outburst and shuts up again, but it doesn’t give me any satisfaction.

It only makes me feel shitty for being mad at him.

“Sorry,” I sigh.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I guess the party tonight is the same as all the other ones.

Mike, Sisky, and Butcher drinking and chatting up girls.

Melly and Michael sitting with William and his girlfriend.

Victoria flirting with that skinny kid who hangs around her a lot at parties but whose name I still don’t know.

Me spending most of the night with Gabe and his bandmates.

I like that he doesn’t call me his girlfriend, because nothing’s official, even though we’ve been “seeing each other” for a little over a month and a half now, but I also like that he doesn’t let go of my hand.

I get up to mix myself another drink and some jello shots with Melly and Victoria.

Gabe pulls me down to sit on his lap when I get back; his bandmates having gotten up for a round beer pong.

I smile, leaning over to plant a brief kiss on his lips.

“That’s it?” he teases.

I roll my eyes at him but kiss him again anyways.

I like that he hasn’t told me how pretty I am because he knows it annoys me to no end.

I like that he doesn’t take anything seriously.

I like that he’s not my type.

His hand wanders up and down my leg.

Even though everything’s the same, tonight feels a little different.

It’s not that I’m self-conscious; since by now everyone’s too smashed to care what anyone else is doing.

I shake it off, assuring myself that it’s because it’s one of the last parties before we go on winter break, and when we get back, we’ll be that much closer to graduating.

I open my eyes for a few seconds while I catch my breath, only to see Butcher’s lips glued to Lisa’s across the room.

“Lila,” he interrupts my thoughts, pushing a strand of blonde hair away from my neck.

“Yeah?” I ask, pulling away from him, half my mind still focused on Butcher and Lisa leaving the party meanwhile he’s talking to me and playing with my hair.

“I’ve been thinking. Can I ask you something?”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“I bombed my American Pluralism final,” Sisky announces, gulping his shot down.

When we originally came up with this game, it seemed like a good fun idea.

Like an extreme version of “never-have-I-ever.”

Lately, it’s just depressing.

“I don’t want to go home,” Michael glumly announces.

Melly’s arm is linked with his, her head resting on his shoulder while he takes his turn.

I find myself wondering if I’ll ever find someone to be that nauseatingly adorable with.

“Me and Gabe are official,” I announce, just because I’m somewhere between very drunk and wasted and haven’t had the heart to let Andy know, even though maybe it was quite obvious after the party.

I take the shot of Jaeger, which is making my tongue feel incredibly fuzzy by now.

I feel Andy’s eyes boring holes in my drunken skull, but I can’t bring myself to look at him.

“There’s this guy. I don’t know what to do,” Victoria states, and I don’t know if she’s purposely being elusive, or if she’s just too sloshed to give us details. And even if we’re all curious, rules say we can’t ask her about it unless she brings it up first.

“I broke up with Katie,” William informs us. “Do you ever drink we think too much?” he slurs absently, just as I’m about to remark how I can’t feel my teeth.

Everyone shrugs but no one answers.

“It’s only alcoholism if you drink alone,” Sisky jokes humorlessly, but nobody laughs.

We’ve heard this one before.

“Can we just go to sleep now?” Victoria says after awhile, rubbing her face. “My flight is early tomorrow.”
We agree without much enthusiasm.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Butcher hisses quietly, following me to the bedroom. “Really, Lila?” The contained anger in his tone just gives me a headache and makes the corners of my eyes itch, even though I don’t want to cry.

He’s breaking the rules of the game.

“Well?” he practically demands.

“If you’re going to be an ass, you can sleep on the floor,” I counter.

“Then I’ll sleep on the floor,” he retorts, grabbing a pillow and doing just that.

I don’t reply, because all the things running through my mind are too argumentatively childish to say out loud.

All because he’s in love with me, but I have no idea why.

Of course I know Andy loves me.

And the reason I’ll never do anything about it is because I care about him too much.

And tomorrow, when we’re driving back home to Milwaukee with terrible hangovers, well, that’s just not going to be a pleasant two hour drive to sit through.