Confessions

Andy: February

“Look, I’m just saying you-”

She snorts sarcastically, interrupting me.

“Yeah, me. Always me, isn’t it? What about you? Catch any good STD’s lately?” she remarks snidely.

My face colors at her comment, and I get a guilty sick feeling in my stomach. When I don’t answer for a few seconds, she gets that look on her face that lets me know she wishes she could take it back, but I’m mad already, so I keep running my big fat mouth.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” I reply. “Then again, I’m not the one fucking Gabe…”

“Why do you say things like that?” Lila snaps back, glowering. “Why do you hate him so much? You barely even know him.”

“I don’t need to know him to know about him, Lila. How can you really trust him?”

She doesn’t have an answer for me.

“He’s my boyfriend,” she states, in a low voice. “And I never asked for your approval, Butcher.”

I feel like a bastard for constantly telling her things like this, questioning her relationship, but at the same time, I’m not completely pulling things out of my ass.

I see the way he talks to girls, even if it’s all innocent.

“He’s not even your type!” I argue.

“Then who is?” she demands back.

I catch myself before I shout back ME, fucking ME!

“What are you so jealous of?!” she exclaims in frustration.

“Why do you think I’m fucking jealous, Lila?! The only time I ever see you anymore is art class! You’re always with Gabe, or at shows and parties.”

“You’re being ridiculous, Butcher. You’re at all the same shows and parties I am.”

“Well…” I begin, pausing for an arguing point, because she’s right. “We never hang out anymore!”

“I thought that’s what we were doing now, but I guess you just invited me over to argue!”

“Whatever. Leave if you want to. I have work to do,” I fib, walking over to my desk to start shuffling thorough it as if I’m looking for something.

“Bullshit, Andy,” she spits, still angry. “If you’re gonna lie to me, the least you can do is make it believable,” she tells me, before grabbing her things and storming out. “Keep fucking her, see if I care,” she adds, turning back for a second to shoot me another look. “But you know I’m right.”

I know she’s right, and I also know she cares.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I glare at Gabe from across the room during my History of Computing class.

All I’m thinking about is what a big fucking joke this class is. I just need it for graduation credit. I hardly ever show; the sole fact that Gabe might be there if we don’t happen to ditch on the same day [like today] is a major deterrent.

The thing is, glaring at him, I realize, I’m still pissed at Lila.

The professor’s going on about the first computer ever made and I’m counting down the seconds until it’s over, halfway debating just getting up and leaving in the middle of the lecture, because I really just don’t give a shit anymore.

After class, when I’m bolting for the door, is when he catches me, off guard.

“Hey man, um…can I ask you something?” he asks, just before I make it out. I want to pretend like I didn’t hear him, but I’m curious as to what he wants.

“What’s up?” I try to keep my tone neutral, because as far as he knows, I’m just Lila’s best friend, nothing more, nothing less.

“Look, you know Lila best, right?” he asks, not waiting for a response and continuing. He says things, but I kind of zone out until a few phrases catch my attention. “It’s almost Valentine’s Day, so I just thought I’d do something nice, you know? What do you think?”

I’m about to tell him that Lila despises Valentine’s Day, partly because that’s around the time her parents got divorced back in highschool, and partly because it’s a stupid holiday in general, [because why are you celebrating your relationship one specific day of the year?], and how every year we have an anti-valentine’s movie marathon, but I catch myself-

I lie to him, instead.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I’ve stopped sleeping with Lisa.

I only did it- did her, I guess, technically, to make Lila jealous.

And, okay, maybe because I was kind of lonely, a little.

Lila has Gabe and Lisa has the same color hair as Lila, only Lila’s is natural.

Anyway, it didn’t work; it just made her more pissed at me.

And today, I’m alone, and it’s Valentine’s Day, not that I’d celebrate it even if I had someone to celebrate with.

Lila is out with Gabe, celebrating everything she hates, exactly as I told him to.

Most of me was hoping she’d tell him no and then she’d come watch movies with me like always.

My sabotage backfired; I guess that’s karma for me: Michael told me that Melly told him that Lila was excited for her date with Gabe tonight or some shit like that.

Sisky comes home and I decide to get high.

He invites Mike and William over to play videogames and drink, but I tell them I’m tired and lock myself in the bedroom.

When I’m done smoking, I pull out my portfolio and art supplies so I can sketch. I yank out my box of art supplies from my bookshelf, and a photo album falls on my foot in the process.

It’s Lila’s, actually, full of pictures of just the two of us from when we were kids up until last year.

I just stare at it from where I’m standing, even though my foot is throbbing and probably bruised.

It’s open to a page when we were seven, and Lila has her two front teeth missing.

I smile without realizing it, then I crouch down and start flipping though the pages.

Lila on her 18th birthday.

At a lame school dance when we were 14.

One of me with the guys at the beach from last year she took with one of those old automatic developing cameras.

I don’t know why, but I take out my supplies and start sketching my favorite scenes, trying to breathe them back to life again.

I only notice that they’re different than my usual paintings after I start drawing.

I can’t bring myself to paint Lila in my usual caricature-esque forms.

-she’s too painfully pretty for it.

I sketch and paint until my high wears off, my hands are cramped, and until everyone leaves and Sisky’s pounding on the door for me to unlock it because he ‘wants to sleep, asshole.’

Until I’m sick with nostalgia and pass out from exhaustion on my bed, trying not to think about Lila with Gabe.