The Distance Is Quite Simply Far Too Much for Me to Row

“We have to go home,” was all I said. Those were the only five words to leave my mouth as
the sun slipped below the horizon. It was the only phrase I uttered, but it tore me apart.
Home meant work. Home meant dealing with everything that my mother left behind.

“No!” Caleb yelled. “I don’t wanna go home!” he screeched. “Mommy doesn’t have to
go home!” I sighed. He was seven. I couldn’t really do much. There was no way to better
explain to him that Mommy wouldn’t be coming back anytime soon. I would have to deal
with the screams and cries and screeches until it clicked; until he found a television show
where the parents ditched the kid and it finally sunk in.

“Caleb, honey,” I whispered. “Sweetie, it’s getting dark. It’ll start raining again soon—
probably. You don’t want to get sick, right?” He stomped away, planting his ass firmly on
the swing. I rolled my eyes, ready to scream. “Caleb, time to go home.”

He kicked, pushing himself up higher in the air. He propelled himself forward and
started screaming at the top of his lungs. It started to drizzle and I didn’t know what to do.
“Caleb, come on, sweetie, it’s raining, we have to go.” He refused to stop swinging.
“Caleb, please,” I pleaded. I’d lifted Morgan out of the baby swing minutes before and he
was starting to feel heavy just sitting in my arms. “Caleb!”

“No!” he screamed. This wasn’t what I was cut out for, my mother knew that. Everyone
knew I loved my brothers and would do whatever I could to help take care of them, but at the
same time they knew there were probably minimal maternal bones in my body. I knew how
to get them to eat, sleep, trust me, but when it came to stopping a little kid from throwing a
tantrum, I was stumped.

Morgan’s hand found it’s way into my hair, playing with the individual strands turning it
into even more of a mess than it had been before. If he didn’t mess it up, the wind sure
would have, so I didn’t even care. If it kept him occupied, that was better for me. “Caleb
Matthew Makarov,” I yelled, sighing simultaneously. It was starting to rain and thunder and
that could only mean that it would be lightning soon. “Cal, come on, you’re going to get
hurt.” He started to slow down, his legs no longer bending at the knee to push him higher,
but rather sticking out in front of him at a forty-five degree angle. I’d thought that I’d finally
made it through; finally made my point—until I realized what had made him stop.

Martin stood several yards behind me with a finger to his lips, telling Caleb to remain
quiet, and a smile the size of Texas lighting up his features. “Are you stalking me?” I joked,
however, it came out rather rude. I swear I never meant it to sound mean.

“No,” he chuckled, “just passing through the park on my way home.” He shoved his
hands awkwardly in the pockets of his leather jacket, raindrops hanging at the end of each
strand of hair. His cheeks were flushed and he was shivering—I suppose being angry had
distracted me from the chill. “Funny seeing you guys here,” he smirked. I responded with a
nod.

“Well,” I laughed a little, “thank you for getting Caleb off of the swings. He was being
quite insubordinate,” I looked over at him, an annoyed expression on his face.

“What does insoderdant mean?” he questioned confused, tugging at the bottom of my
coat. I laughed and rolled my eyes.

“Insubordinate. It means that you weren’t behaving, oh young one.” He scratched his
head, pulling his hood on over his rain soaked hair. “Good idea,” I smiled, patting the fabric
on the hood of the jacket he was wearing, “you should’ve done it when it started
raining, though.” Martin laughed and lifted the hood from my jacket onto my head.

“Maybe you should have too,” he smiled, exposing two perfectly straight, perfectly
aligned, perfectly white rows of teeth. I couldn’t help but smile back. I rolled my eyes
playfully and looked up as the sky became illuminated with lightening. “Maybe you should
get going,” he suggested, still smiling. I nodded, Morgan and Caleb shouldn’t be out here
in the rain.

“Yeah,” I smiled, “that would probably be a good idea.” I took hold of Caleb’s hand to
keep him from running back over to the swing set. “Do you need a ride somewhere? I’d
hate to see you walk home in the rain and thunder and lightning.”

“Yeah!” Caleb shouted. “You can come with us to get ice cream.” His smiled was
bright and hopeful, something that didn’t happen as often as it used to. “Aleks promised
ice cream for dinner.” I rolled my eyes and took to staring at my shoes. It was horrible, but
what parent could honestly say they never bribed a child with ice cream or potato chips for
dinner?

He shook his head from side to side, still adorning that gorgeous smile. “I wouldn’t
want to intrude,” he laughed. Caleb shook his head in protest and looked up at me
hopeful.

“Really, you wouldn’t be intruding,” I smiled. “Do you wanna come with us? He’s
probably gonna have a heart attack if you don’t,” I laughed motioning to Caleb. He let out a
small laugh and nodded, resulting in Caleb jumping up and down like a maniac. I
mouthed a quick ‘thank you’ to Martin and he replied with a nod.

♥♥♥♥♥

Caleb stood next to me on line in the ice cream parlor, hands and face pressed
against the glass to see what flavors were available. We were next and he had yet to make
up his mind. “Caleb, what do you want?” He didn’t say anything, but he pointed to the mint
chocolate chip. “And Morgan?”

“Vanilla,” he answered with a smile. I nodded and looked over at Martin, waiting for him to
decide what he wanted. When the girl behind the counter called ‘next,’ he took hold of
Caleb’s hand, dragging him over to the register.

“What would you guys like today?” she asked with a smile. The girl was probably around
my age, and she seemed to give some sort of look of disapproval when she saw Morgan
on my hip. I wanted to scream to the world, to every disapproving glare that he wasn’t mine.
But how could I tell them he wasn’t mine when I was the only one left to take care of him? If
I said he wasn’t mine, it would be a lie. I may not have gotten knocked up and I may not
have given birth to him, but the way things were now, I may as well have.

I had spaced out and so I was a little startled when Martin nudged me. “What are you
getting?” he asked quickly. I shook my head. I wasn’t really hungry, not to mention that it
would be a lot cheaper for me to make myself something later at home. “You aren’t getting
anything?” I shook my head.

“I’m lactose intolerant,” I lied. “What are you getting?” He rolled his eyes, clearly not
believing what I said for a second.

“I already ordered,” he replied quickly, “you were out in space.” I made an ‘o’ with my
mouth, watching his features scrunch up in what seemed like some sort of worry. “Are you
okay?”

“Yeah, sure, I’m fine. I’m just a little tired,” I lied. He shook his head and slipped his wallet
out of his jeans pocket. “What are you doing?” I asked annoyed, pulling a ten-dollar bill
from my coat pocket. “I invited you, I can pay for you. I’m not your freaking charity case. I
don’t invite you places so you can pay and I don’t go to Starbucks for free coffee,” I snapped
at him. “Sorry,” I whispered, sliding the money across the counter.

He picked up his ice cream and Morgan’s and walked over to a table in the corner. Caleb
followed slowly behind, already digging into his cup of mint chocolate chip. “You really
didn’t want anything?” he asked, spoon hovering over the cup of chocolate ice cream.

“I really didn’t want anything,” I replied quickly—too quickly. He shook his head, offering me
his ice cream. I shook my head in annoyance, looking over to see neither Caleb nor
Morgan paying attention. “I said I didn’t want anything.”

“And you really expected me to believe that?” He ate a spoonful of his ice cream before
saying anything else. “You expect me to believe that you are lactose intolerant and just
didn’t want ice cream as opposed to the fact that the ten dollar bill you handed the cashier
was your last ten dollars for the week?” I nodded. “Bullshit.”

“It isn’t my last ten dollars for the week,” I responded quickly. “I just didn’t want ice cream,
okay?” He rolled his eyes and dropped the subject. “I’d rather have soup or something
when I go home.” He shook his head again and let out a small laugh.

“No one doesn’t want ice cream,” he laughed. “It’s like a rule. Unless you have an eating
disorder, if someone offers you ice cream, you take it.” I rolled my eyes. “You’re really
going to try and make me believe that the real reason you didn’t want ice cream wasn't
because you couldn’t afford it?” I nodded. “And is it the truth?” I hesitated, starting to nod,
then caving and shaking my head.

“I have fifteen dollars to get me through the next week.”

He looked over at Morgan and Caleb who were still entranced by the sugary ice cream.
“Then why’d you agree to get ice cream for dinner? Why didn’t you just make, I don’t know,
spaghetti-0s at home?” He took another spoonful of his ice cream and then pushed it
across the table to me. With the scoops he’d taken, he’d carved out a smiley face.

I started to answer, pushing the ice cream back over to him. “Because it was the only way
to bribe them into behaving. They just kept crying and asking where their mother was and
begging me to call her to come home. I needed to do something to calm them down and
get them out of the house.” He shook his head and pushed the ice cream back to me.

“So,” he began, “why do you keep doing this? It isn’t even your responsibility. You’ve been
turned into this pseudo-teen mom.”

“What other choice do I have? If I don’t, who will take care of them?” He sighed, leaning
back against the cold vinyl of the booth. I did the same, drawing shapes with my finger
across the speckled table.

“Foster care?” he suggested rudely. I shook my head quickly. No one else would take care
of them. No one would take away the only family that I had left. No one would ever take
them away from me. And no stranger got to suggest it either.

“No,” I snarled. “No one is taking them away from me. They’re all I have left. And I know it’s
not going to be easy. I already know that I’m probably going to have to drop out of school, or
finish high school online, but I have to. I know that I’ll have to find a full time job, because
my part time job isn’t going to cut it anymore. I know that I’ll have to give up my dreams, but
it’s something I have to do.” I leaned forward again, resting my head in my hands, elbows
on the table.

“You shouldn’t have to live like a teen mom. You aren’t one.” I shook my head. “I
understand that you care about them, but really? Giving up everything?”

“They’re all I have left,” I responded bitterly. “There is no one else. There are no parents,
no grandparents, no aunts or uncles or cousins. It’s just me and them and I’m not giving
up the last pieces of family that I have left.” I shook my head. “I won’t.”

He nodded, I assume, understandingly just as Caleb announced to the world that he was
finished with a loud burp. “Excuse me,” he giggled, causing the rest of us to erupt into
laughter. Leave it to the apparent cause of the problem to break the tension.