Salt in the Wound

--From the point of view of Gaara--

I could hear her musical laughter from next door as well as Kankuro’s teasing, and it just seemed to burn me the wrong way. I have been jealous of many things in my life. Jealous of the attention all the other children got. Jealous of the way people could harness power more than me. I’ve even sunken so low as to be jealous of my village when every soul was sleeping and I simply could not. But not once in my life had I been jealous of my siblings. I had always viewed them as inferior to me, even now I still sometimes flow back to that way of thinking, but this was different. Kankuro made Ishiko smile, he made her laugh and put her at ease.

More than I could ever do.

The envy got a hold of me and guided me straight to her door. When I opened the door I was a little disappointed to see Kankuro sitting over Ishiko, too close for comfort. “Gaara-Sama, I was uh- just making sure she was getting to bed.” He laughed nervously and ruffled his hair. A nervous habit he has had ever since he was a child.

“Kankuro, we need to speak immediately.” I stared into Kankuro’s face, aware I was nearly spitting venom as I spoke. I caught Ishiko’s confused face out of the corner of my eye but refused to look directly into her own silver eyes.

I turned around, not waiting for him to follow me back to my study.

I couldn’t help but be disgusted by my brothers immature ways, the way he spoke and acted towards Ishiko was enough to make me nauseous. I shut my eyes, my face getting tighter. When I looked up at him again, he looked almost afraid. “Kankuro, it’s not your place to be that kind of person for Ishiko.” He clutched his hands and took a step towards me.

“And why not? What is with this girl that has made you such an overbearing, shadow on her wall?!” He bared his teeth at me, almost begging for punishment. “You act like she belongs to you, but you don’t pay a minute’s attention to her!”

“You are missing the point.” I said darkly, as he got on my last nerve. “She is not a toy, I agree, but at the same time she is an important key to us. She is here strictly for one thing only, and that one thing is definitely not you.”

Kankuro laughed loudly, crossing his arms. “You can say it all you want Gaara, but I can see it in you. You want her for yourself but can’t show it like I can. You can’t be the person you want to be, can you?” His voice was cut off by the sand that revolved around his throat.

“It would be most wise to watch your words, brother. Offend the wrong person and you will most likely come out injured at best.” He struggled to swallow the words in his throat and fell nearly to his knees when the sand released him. “Now leave.” I watched as he stumbled out through the office doors, his hand around his throat with sharp words on his tongue.

And yet I didn’t gather the same satisfaction I once would have. Kankuro was right in a sense, I couldn’t ever act the way he did. So bright and happy, completely foreign feelings to me, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I walked over to the windows and looked out at the lights dwindling in the distance.

I wanted so desperately to be an entirely different person. Now that the Shukaku had left my body, everything seemed so much lighter. As if I held the potential to be happy. A sudden pain in my chest stunned me, it was a feeling I hadn’t felt in so long.

“There’s only one thing that can heal the heart…only one…it’s love, Gaara.” I remembered him saying to me when I was just a child. It had stuck with me ever since and now it came back as clear as day, how convenient. My hand gently touched the kanji on my forehead, reminding me of the vow I had made to myself.

As it got later and I began to get restless, I decided to give into the temptation that had been calling to me all night. I opened my window and jumped lightly onto Ishiko’s balcony, opening the doors and drenching the floor in the soft moonlight. Ishiko was sleeping, a small but gentle smile on her lips. Her hand sat limply over the side of the bed, folding in. I knelt down to her level, looking over every detail on her face, inhaling the smell of blossoms and apples that hung over her like a light breeze.

“Love is the spirit of devoting yourself to someone important and close to you. It’s expressed by caring for and protecting that person.” Yashamaru had told me. His whole life was a lie, but did that necessarily mean what he said was too? I closed my eyes and for a moment, hated everything I was and wasn’t able to do. When I opened my eyes again I was nearly overcome with pain as I realized I would never be powerful enough to let down my guard. I always attained what I wanted, and now that I found something I couldn’t quite get, a deep sadness clouded my vision. Standing up, I cast one last glance back at her sleeping form and walked back out to the balcony. The night was bright, silently sleeping and dreaming. Except for me.

I was strong, but in a sense weak. I couldn’t even feel natural human emotion, and that made me weaker than a newborn baby who could even still feel more love than I could. A sound stirred in the night towards the roof. I looked up and straight into Kankuro’s unpainted face. He said nothing to me, only watched as I turned away from him and retreated back into my own study.