Salt in the Wound

We stepped in sync to the other as we made our way back into the central part of town. My eyes drifted slowly as the damaged building came into view. “That’s terrible.”

His eyes followed suit and we both stopped, looking at the row of broken houses. A fair number, at least eight, had been destroyed. “Twelve people died in the explosion” he said suddenly, I bit my lip as he continued. “Nine adults and three children exactly.”

I turned away, unable to look anymore. “I can’t help but feel as if this was my fault…I’m sorry Gaara.” I was tempted to put my hand on his cheek but something told me otherwise. It wouldn’t be a good idea to make us public, whatever ‘us’ was anyway.

“Ishiko, don’t apologize for the inevitable. This is as much your fault as it was you bearing the burden of a demon. It wasn’t because of the choices you made.” All I could do was lower my eyes at his words. He spoke too old for his age and it almost made me feel inferior.

“Gaara sensei!” I heard a high voice call out from behind me. Turning, I watched as two young kunoichi ran towards us, smiling brightly. They came to a halt and fixed their eyes on me, an obvious look of predatory menace crawling through them. “Gaara sensei,” the girl with the short, plain hair said again. She tore her eyes away from me and beamed up at the Kazekage. “I have been instructed to inform you that the survivors from last night’s attack are being housed in the meeting hall.” She batted her eyelashes. I couldn’t decided whether to laugh or cringe. The girl with the longer hair grabbed onto her friends shoulder and smiled sickly.

“Matsuri and I have made sure that everyone is comfortable and safe!” Gaara nodded and turned away from them, only to be assaulted again. “Who is she?” The girl asked rudely as if I was not standing there.

“Hitomi Ishiko,” he said curtly, eyeing me softly. “She is my assistant and apprentice.” They turned towards me, glaring daggers.

“What can she do?” The short haired girl said bluntly. I couldn’t take it.

“Hey kid! I’m standing right here! Learn some manners and maybe some social skills why don’t you?” I growled, leaning forward to inch closer to her face. She reeled back, a startled look on her face. She suddenly glared and took another step forward.

“Don’t talk to your superiors like that!” She said loudly, closing her eyes and lifting a finger to my face. I saw Gaara’s eyes widen as he took a step back. “You aren’t worthy to be Gaara’s apprentice, I bet he feels sorry for you.” She muttered the last part, opening her eyes smugly. I would have punched her directly between the eyes if Gaara hadn’t stepped in.

“Matsuri, that is unnecessary. Ishiko is to be respected as you would respect me, and as she is a part of my council she is in fact your superior. Shinobi or not.” I smiled back just as smugly and lifted my head up. The girl took a step back, obviously hurt by Gaara’s words. “Now if you excuse us, we have business to attend to. Thank you for helping, we need all the help we can possibly get.” He nodded and turned his back, I followed in step.

“What the hell was that? Annoying little girls.” I muttered. He shook his head and sighed.

“They don’t budge.” I could tell they bothered him and I wanted more than anything to just grab him and kiss him dry. But I didn’t.

-------

“Hand me the next one.” He sighed. I took the next stack of paper in my hand and placed it on his desk. A fairly large pile still besides me. We had been in his office all night and I really would have rather been outside training then in here doing a job I was never quite sure I really had. Suddenly he threw his pen down and pushed away from his desk. “I’m done for the night. Go to bed Ishiko.” I stood up and stretched, eyeing him as he stared out the window.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not really tired.” He glanced up at me and looked away quickly.

“Then what will you do?” His eyes never broke away from the sand. I shrugged and sat on the edge of his desk, playing with my hands.

“Go out and train possibly.” He spun around and glared, shaking his head.

“Not at this time of night. I’m not running the risk of you going out there alone.” I couldn’t help but grin at him.

“Why not? Do you care or something?” His glare deepened and he turned away.

“Of course not. I just don’t want the burden of having to make sure you don’t run off or something other.” Shrugging, I got up and headed for his door.

“Fine, then I will just have to amuse myself with the likings of Kankuro. Good night Gaara.” I heard the unmistakable sound of his chair swiveling again towards me and I halted.

“Why would you want to do that?” He sounded genuinely confused.

“Because Kankuro pays attention to me, he tells me stories and is especially nice to me. It’s pleasant to be around something other than a brick of ice.” Laughing, I headed out again until I heard his weight shift from the chair to the floor. His hand pressed against the door as I began to open it.

“Are you referring to me?” He asked, coldly. Smirking, I shrugged away hoping he would take the bait. Nothing made me feel better than teasing the poor boy. “I am not a brick of ice.” He scowled.

“Now you’re just putting words in my mouth. I never said you were the so called brick of ice.”

“Stop saying that.” I laughed and placed my hand to his face.

“You are so undeniably cute when you get bothered.” Was that a twitch? His face turned away from me and he looked to the floor. Arms tightly crossed.

“Ishiko, I don’t understand the way you think.” I made a small questioning noise to which he raised his head to. “You get under my skin in the strangest ways and I still can’t figure you out. Why did you stay so willingly?” He was referring to my dismissed plans of leaving. I had it set in my mind to not get dragged back into this war, hoping it would stop the actions. It only seemed to make it worse.

“I stayed because Suna is my home. I can’t let you go to war fighting a pointless battle over my enemy. The least I could do was atone for my actions.” He nodded and pushed away from the wall.

“I want to protect you from it all. I don’t understand why, but I do.” I smiled, I guess that was his way of saying he liked me. It wasn’t an exchange often heard so when it was, it was appreciated.

“Well you’re rather important to me as well Gaara, can I ask you something?” He looked up at me slowly. “When this war is done with and everything returns to normal…if I’m…if I’m still alive can we make something of this? Anything?” He opened his mouth to just close it again, furrowing his brow.

“Make something of what?”

“Of us…If it’s something you would want as well.” I blushed and he noticed. “Remember before I left and I asked if you had ever felt wanted? Well, I want you. I need you and I want you there with me.” My hand touched the door knob and I suddenly felt the need to leave. “However, my chances of surviving are slim so there is no point in making empty promises.” He said nothing to me as I opened the door and in that moment I lost it. That ever so impossible boy and his endless amounts of emotionless turmoil was breaking my heart. I was willing to put my life on the line for him and he couldn’t even tell me we could try to make it work.

I guess it only goes to show how people can only change so much.

“Ishiko,” he said firmly, “I already told you, I won’t let him or anyone get you.” His words made me smile under the shadow of my hair, a warmth blooming in my chest. “I..I don’t know how to react. You know how confusing this is to me…I’ve never been so close with someone as I have with you.”

“Does it feel right?” I asked, curious.

“I don’t know what right is supposed to feel like.” Step by step I carefully walked over to him. My palm slipped into his bigger one and I interlocked my fingers with his. He watched stiffly, as if he was trying to comprehend what he was thinking.

“You just know. It’s either right or it’s wrong. Good or bad. There are no right answers to my question. It’s all up to you. Do what comes naturally, tap into your most basic instincts and for once, let your guard down.” Wide and nervous he clenched his hand within mine. I could see the struggling boy in his face, confused and ultimately alone. I lowered my face to his and brushed my lips against his, watching his lids lower into a state of calmness. “What does it feel like when you make contact with me?” I pushed my mouth a little harder against his, he moved in sync with me. Pulling away only slightly I could feel his breath mingle with mine.

“It feels…warm and I want more of it” he said lazily. “I want it all, all of you. But I don’t know if I can ever be what you want me to be Ishiko. I don’t know if I know how to.” I pulled away and smiled sadly, taking my hand back along with me.

“I can’t keep up with you Gaara. I can’t keep trying to make you feel something for me and I can’t teach you to love.” I turned away without a glance back. “If that day ever comes when you know what you want, tell me. I will always be willing to listen.” With that being said I walked out, wiping away the hot tears that pathetically spilled down my cheeks. It was like salt in a wound, a burning feeling that only seemed to grow worse as I stood there outside his door. I wanted so desperately for him to return my feelings, but he wouldn’t, and I didn’t know if he ever could. It almost made me angry at myself for wanting to be with the one person who couldn’t ever know love. It’s not like I didn’t have other choices, the fact of the matter was, I didn’t want anyone else.

In the end it was only him and I knew, it would only ever be him.

Which is why I refused to give up on him just yet.