Salt in the Wound

The strain in my voice was evident as I reach out longingly, watching him with tremors in my hands as he turned his back to me and simply walked away.

Not looking back to watch me crumple to the ground in a sobbing heap.

He left me there that day, the sand flooding my senses and I knew. Eventually it would kill me. Not just the sand, but the heartbreak as well. All we once had now lost in some hazy vision of a future, who was I kidding, there was no future.

Just some made up story slapped with a happy ending. I hated happy endings, they always seemed much to unrealistic to me. Nobody lives forever on happily, nobody. At one point in our lives we’re all miserable and no one can deny that. Through the sand I watched on helplessly as his figure grew more and more distant from me, the ground swallowing me like some kind of washed up pebble. “Gaara, don’t leave me please…” The sand spilled off of my outreached arm like water, but he didn’t notice.

He was already gone, without me.

My eyes fluttered open, absent tears leaking through my lashes from thoughts of those gnarled dreams that had haunted me for the past week. This was the eighth day in a row I’ve woken up alone. Not because he left me partially through the night, but because it was only me crawling into bed to begin with. I couldn’t place it, we had been moving forward at a pleasant rate and then suddenly, he came to a halt. It was like he was scared of some unknown force. Every word directed at me from his mouth was forced and unnatural.

And it was scaring me.

Brushing at my damp face I swung my legs over the bed, my eyes staring blankly at the abstract patterns embedded in the wooden planks. “Why are you doing this to me?” I whispered to nobody in particular, my hair rushing upwards in the gust of wind that pushed through my open balcony doors. I made a mental note to stop falling asleep with the doors open, the amount of sand I found in my clothes and bed sheets as starting to irritate my skin. It was a typical morning for Suna, wind and sand. And unsurpassed amounts of heat. But the days were starting to get cooler as the end of summer crept closer. Not that I would be here to enjoy that simple pleasure. My eyes drifted towards my packed bag, so I was really going to leave.

Today was the day I was to tell Gaara I was leaving. Without a doubt I would cry, I loved him truly but things were changing quickly. Not to mention I had recently become keen to the idea of becoming a traveler. I wanted to see what was out there, more so than I had. It wasn’t until a couple days ago did I ponder back on the last time I left that I realized I preferred sleeping in trees than I did a bed. Kankuro knew of my plans, as did Temari. They weren’t happy but they understood, being able to see Gaara slowly edge away from me as days passed on. Kankuro had told me he was nervous about something, not that Gaara would ever come to admit it openly, but it was something he had always done. Completely shut himself away. With a promise to return I had left Kankuro and Temari to their own business last night, wandering in to find Gaara at his desk with nothing in front of him.

When I asked if he was alright, he gave me a curt nod without breaking his eyes away from that complacent stare. To make matters worse I had placed up an offer to sleep next to me that night in which he politely denied and swiveled his chair around so he couldn’t see me. That was when I knew I was making the right choice to leave on my own for awhile. After all we had been through I thought he would have come to understand love. He sure had come close, was it still so frightening an aspect for him he couldn’t even bear to look me in the eyes anymore? Whatever the case was there was something on his mind that was making him uncomfortable and in turn, pushing me away.

I didn’t take long to get ready, eager to have that knot in my stomach undone upon seeing him. I would leave tonight if all went accordingly. I guess all I wanted to hear was him telling me not to go. That he wanted me to stay here. If he asked that of me, I would without hesitation but something told me his pride would not be so easily swallowed. I had told him once I would have the patience to wait for him, but the thin line between patience and blind expectance was becoming blurry to me, he was to vague for such fragile matters. The walk from my room to his office seemed to take forever, every detail on the wall or floor calling my attention. Anything to stop from confronting him about my plans to leave.

There are these moments in one’s life when suddenly you are able to see everything, frame by frame. As I stood in front of the oak door that separated him from I the world shifted and I watched my lips crush into his in risky passion. That moment we had shared had newly defined me as a person. I had never known love apart from the love I had for my family and friends. I hadn’t lived passionately and I sure as hell had never kissed someone with such a fire in my eyes.

He was the one. My one and only, but I wasn’t so sure I was his. My mind wandered back and I remembered vaguely the first time he asked if I was happy. When I had told him I was merely content my head was spinning at the very sight of him. Truth was, back then I was miserable. But because of his presence and his efforts to rescue me from myself he became a work of art in my eyes and made me able to return to my cell and curl up tightly with thoughts of a better tomorrow. He had always been the one I realized. Those visions in my head the night my village died were there for a reason. His eyes, his voice. Saving me like destiny had always planned on him doing. Time and time again. My fate was him, meeting him in the patches of my life and death had always been the plan.

So was I breaking the cycle by leaving him here? Gently, I touched the tip of three fingers to my face, smiling to myself as the salty, hot tears spread to my fingers. It didn’t matter, I told myself, this is his choice as well. With the edge of my sleeve I wiped away the remaining bits of tears and steadied my arm as my knuckles collided with ornate wood. “Come in.” He said, completely devoid of emotion.

His eyes never left the paper he was writing on as I stepped in, looking around the room with a new sort of fondness. “Gaara-kun, I need to speak with you.” The tremble in my voice resided and I was proud of myself. This one time I could be strong.

“Then speak.” Again, his eyes never swayed away to meet mine. This was only more reason for me to get this done with.

He didn’t care, and he wouldn’t stop me.

“I’ve decided to leave Suna, to travel particularly. Everything I have is packed and with your permission, I will set off tonight.” Hold you head higher, I reminded myself. Slowly, his eyes tore away from his desk and looked into mine with such a cold gaze I had to avert my own away. He sat there silently watching for a good three minutes, almost seeming to enjoy the way I squirmed uncomfortably under his gaze.

“That’s fine.” He said finally. My heart dropped and my knees felt weak, but I wouldn’t show it. With a bitten lip I bent over in a bow. Not that he now that his gaze was affixed back towards his desk absently and he didn’t seem to move a muscle as I corrected myself and headed for the door. I stopped before leaving, turning to look over at him from over my shoulder.

“I plan to leave at around six. It would mean a lot to my if you saw me off.” He gave a small nod and I left on that note. Tonight would be the last night I ever laid eyes on him again, I promised myself that. This obviously wasn’t what I thought it was. I wandered back to my room, all confidence I had now lost and replaced with undeniably dissapointment.

So he didn’t care. Everything I gave to him, every time I opened myself up to that black-eyed boy was all for nothing. How naïve of me to think he would suddenly spring up and let me know him fully. He was a recluse and I should have known from the start I was treading on dangerous territory. As I re entered my bedroom I found myself sobbing deeply, feeling a fool for ever giving my heart away to someone who had no use for it. I craved him, any sign of comfort from those chilling eyes. Anything would due right now but I knew I was asking for too much. Crawling towards my bed I slipped in and wrapped the sheets around me, wanting to remember any sign of him being here next to me. I wasn’t going to fall asleep but instead torture myself mad. It wasn’t but fifteen or more minutes later did my door swing open with a loud thud. “Ishiko, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

I smiled to myself, glad to hear that voice near me. “I’m moping, I know.” I said softly, turning around to face the puppeteer in my doorway.

“It’s your last day here and you want to spend it away from everyone. I won’t let you. Now come on, I’ve got some spare cash and I’d like to buy you some going away presents.” Slyly winking at me he came forward, tearing the sheet away from me.

“Alright, alright,” I laughed lightly, “I’m coming.” The wind had died down as we walked in the sunny morning air, inhaling the dry desert aromas that surrounded us. Kankuro made me calm, walking side by side with me like my own personal counselor. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t tell him. “In the end, I suppose it makes no difference. He made his choice just as I have made mine.” I said flatly while examining a golden hairclip, detailed with pearl lotus blooms. I set it down before Kankuro could see I had found something that caught my eye.

“Yeah, but still you have to admit that’s not the way you two should be cutting it off. As much as I hate to say it, you guys were good for each other.” His eyes shifted away from mine shyly before he continued. “When you leave, who knows what he’ll do. Hell, who knows what any of us will do without you.” I smiled lovingly at him and pulled him into a hug. Desperately trying to push away threatening tears, I clenched harder.

“I’m going to miss you guys so very much. Who’s going to watch the sunset with me now?”

“Wherever you are Ishiko, if you’re watching the sun go down then I will be too.” He said quietly, slipping an arm around me. “Don’t go, please.” My heart skipped around. Those same words were all I had wanted to heard from Gaara, but this wasn’t the same. A part of me regretted not having chose Kankuro. It sure would have spared me a lot of heart ache but he wasn’t mine to have and in the end even he knew what my destiny was.

“I’m sorry Kankuro, I must.” My eyes searched his and we pulled away almost awkwardly. “Let’s try not to make this the last time we ever talk, please.” He shook his head, frowning and shutting his eyes as raw emotion clung to his thoughts.

“Nah, this won’t be.” He choked out. He quickly regained his calm composure, smiling at me through tight lips. “Did you find something you wanted?” He asked, looking around the shop. I shook my tresses out and grinned.

“I’ve never been one for material goods. How about you take me to lunch and we call it fair?” His face lit up and the thought of food and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

“I like the way you think Ishiko. Food it is!”

After our meal and the time we had spent looking around some other shops, the afternoon set in. “Would you mind if we went to see Temari?” I asked, as we walked around. The heat was beginning to take it’s toll on me and quite frankly, I was tired of looking around. He scrunched up his face before shrugging.

“I guess if you really wanted to, we could.” I nodded and we headed off towards Temari’s apartment. When we arrived she was staring desperately into the mirror, a dress in either hand. “Got a date?” Kankuro said snidely while watching her compare the two. She snapped her head back at her brother and growled.

“Oh shut up! Even if I did it wouldn’t concern you so back off.” Kankuro bit back an insult. “What do you think Ishiko?” I thought for a minute before pointing to the soft purple one.

“Purple brings out your eyes, definitely that one.” She beamed at me and threw the other one aside. “So what is this for?” With an eyebrow raised I couldn’t help but grin at the flush in her cheeks.

“Oh, it’s, it’s nothing really.” I nodded knowingly, casting a look at Kankuro and she nodded back. It would have to wait till later. We spent the rest of the day talking, letting myself occasionally fall back and watch as Kankuro and Temari fought brutally. Before I knew it the clock struck five-thirty and I clapped my hands together.

“I must get going you two, I still have some spare things to pack. Will you meet me at the gate around six?” They stood up with me before Temari pulled me into a rib cracking hug.

“Of course we will Ishiko!” She pulled away and looked me in the face hard, “I can’t believe you’re really leaving. Getting scared off by a couple of boys, figures.” She teased.

“We can’t all be as tough as you Temari,” I retorted. We clenched each other tighter before I set on my way back towards the room, leaving behind two of the most important people in my life. The walk back was lonely, something I told myself I had to get used after today. It took less than twenty minutes to gather the remaining of my things. It was an odd feeling, standing at my balcony with a bad slung over my shoulder looking into the never ending horizon. I would spare myself the pain and just press forward, like usual. The sun was setting now, a painting in reds and yellows and dripping with the edge of freedom.

“Hey! Ishiko!” I looked to my left and spotted Temari and Kankuro, waving me over. “Come here!” I couldn’t move fast enough to reach them. I dropped my bag and ran into Kankuro, embracing him and ruffling his hair freely.

“You came!”

“I told you we would,” Temari said to my right, looking at something in the distance.

“Yeah well, thanks. It means the world to me, it really does.” I broke away from Kankuro and turned towards the gate, slapping my hands against my thighs. “Well, this is it. I better get going before it gets dark.” Nobody said anything and I turned to see them trade thoughtful glances. A sound behind me brought me around as I watched Gaara advance, his hands folded curtly in front of his chest. “Gaara…” I whispered sadly. I had almost hoped he wouldn’t show up. It would have made this departure that much easier. I nodded politely to him when he stopped in front of me. “Thanks for showing up.” My voice was tight and everyone could tell it was being forced. I couldn’t hold it back, it was either do it or cry out loud. My hands flew around his neck, his arms unraveling in sheer surprise and floating around my trembling body. His body was warm and comforting against me, his smell took me over the edge. I won’t cry, I told myself firmly. I couldn’t hold well to that when I felt his arms securely wrap around me.

The world again was good and well and the last thing I wanted to do was let go. But I did. I couldn’t keep fooling myself into this. He stared down at me with an unreadable expression on his boyish features. “Ishiko, be safe. Please.”

That wasn’t what I wanted to hear but it was good enough. With a nod I stepped back. “Of course. You as well.” I grabbed my bag off the ground and looked around. “Thank you guys for everything. It was an honor meeting you, truly. Till next time.” With a bow I turned my back on everything that was good to me. My whole life about to fall farther and farther behind me.

----------------

Kankuro knew Gaara couldn’t stop her by himself he noted as his brother stared after the girl, his hand subconsciously reaching forward. Gaara wanted to stop her, but he wasn’t going to. She wanted to go and if it made her happy then so be it. Kankuro lifted his own hand, ignoring the curious look from his sister. The blue chakra threads wrapped around the Kazekage’s wrist, reaching his hand forward so that his hand fell on the raven haired girls shoulder. And unravel, he thought to himself. Gaara looked surprised, staring straight ahead with a startled look but it soon melted away and to everyone’s surprise a genuine smile met his lips. Ishiko cast her eyes over her shoulder with mild interest, raising her eyebrows in question.

“Don’t leave Ishiko, you’re home is here. With us.” Gaara said quietly, turning his head to face the sky.

“Is it? I have been under the impression lately you don’t care as much as you did.” Her voice shook, on the verge of crying. He had said it but she wasn’t sure that it was now enough. He turned to look at her incredulously, his eyes narrowing.

“Is that what you’ve been thinking?” He shook his head with a small smirk and surprisingly cupped her face in his hands. “I should have known. I haven’t been avoiding you.”

“Then what?” She inquired, looking from one eye to the other, trying to convince herself this was real.

“When you died in front of me, I realized how precious you were to me, and how I might just…,“ He cast his eyes away and dropped his hands. “Just don’t go.” She brought her own hand up to his cheek and softly kissed him to the side of his mouth.

“I won’t go.” Tears leaked through her open eyes, the sherbet colored sky reflected in her glossy orbs.

“I love you.” He said suddenly, causing her to snap her attention back to him completely.

“Pardon?” His eyes narrowed as he turned his head away from her. He wasn’t going to say it again. She smiled at him and dropped her bag. “I love you too.” She whispered into the crook of his neck, her breath chilling him. In that moment the world finally made sense to her. Her fate, her destiny, this was it and she knew she had made the right choices a long the way. As she wrapped herself around him she felt the connection deepen between the two. She loved him and finally, he loved her.

That old wound healing at last and pushing past the pain into a new light. She broke away from the red haired boy, her arm still around his waist as she cast her gaze into the slowly darkening sky, a warmth bloomed in her chest.

“So that means you’re staying right?” Kankuro called out from behind them. With a laugh she tilted her head back and nodded, watching a new fate unravel before her eyes. Silver eyes met those all too familiar icy blue ones and she realized with a soft smile, she was truly home.