The Disease Called Men

Just because your father is the principal, doesn’t mean you’re cool.

Cerise’s I need to do this quick list:
1. Brainstorm great fundraising events for the year!
2. Guilt trip father so that I can board in school dorms.
3. Buy Sarah a birthday present!! (Where can you buy a ‘Chris’?)
4. Save money for the upcoming school fete!!


If there’s one thing I accepted in my life, it’s the fact that I find it extremely unacceptable to change what you mustn’t change.

I understand the need for order and routine. I really do. Like last week, for example. If we hadn’t stayed after class and organised each dissecting kit, ensuring each kit had the correct instruments and were labelled correctly, we wouldn’t be sitting here in the labs today. Sure, being in the labs after hours can be unsettling, being boxed in an all white room with numerous preserved specimens in jars peering into your soul with unblinking eyes, quietly judging you. But, it was worth it. Despite the constant faint smell of rubbing alcohol and disinfectant, veiling the unmistakable stench of formaldehyde, it was worth it. Even today.

Shifting in my seat, I took a deep breath in. My eyes trailed each step Mr Van Goldenburg took as he ambled towards the containers we organised last week. Finally! All our hard efforts and toils were to bear fruit!

“Now,” the bald man began, inching a step closer towards the containers, “I know each of you have been waiting for this moment.”

My fingers began to drum a little tune on the desk. Damn right, we have. Some of us planned for this day, this moment!

“However, before we begin, I know it’s a Monday, but I’d like to start a little get to know each other exercise with everyone.”

A collective groan filled the room. Sinking into my chair, I glanced at the clock. Here we go again.

“Rather than fiddling with dismembered hearts, I thought it would be much more educational and considerate if we wrote a scientific report on a…” His tired grey eyes searched the room, finally landing on mine, he added, “on a native pest.”

“WHAT!” I lurched to my feet, my chair falling behind me. I saw the pleading looks from my classmates. I had to voice this injustice. “Look, I know we have lunch right after this period, but we had a class vote on this last week and half the class had organised the dissection kits. It wouldn’t be fair to suddenly change our practical content.”

The bald Principal brazenly pushed the containers away and dropped a stack of papers on the front desk. “Right. Saying it ‘wouldn’t be fair’ is correct. However, this exercise wouldn’t be fair to vegetarians and vegans, Cerise. I’d like everyone to practice understanding and respect them.”

I felt my shoulders droop as I watched him hand out the papers. How could he assign us to write a scientific report on a native pest? A native pest! Of all days, Mr Higgs, why did you have to be sick today? Why Mr Higgs, why did you have to accept Yasmin’s brownies?!

After rearranging my seat upright, I slowly sat down, distraught. Are you serious Mr Bald Principal? Not all vegetarians are vegetarians because they whole heartedly love animals! Some hate vegetables – like Lee-Min, who says she’s doing her part to rid of the evil vegetation. My eyes narrowed at the sight of the bald Principal. I know the truth, Mr Bald Principal. I know you can’t take the sight of blood!

“Okay.” The bald man clapped his hand gleefully. “It’s a new year, a new us. Let’s go around the class room, introducing our names and one fun fact about ourselves.”

“But that’s not really – ”

“That wouldn’t be necessary, we already know our classmates,” Yasmin interrupted, her fingers tapping on her desk. “We’ve been classmates since kindergarten, sir.”

I huffed and glared at her direction in response. In the corner of my eye, I caught Yasmin snicker.

“Okay, fair call. How about we play a game where we become more acquainted with – ”

“We know you, too.” Yasmin intoned. “You’ve been – ”

“You’re the principal.” I cut in. I turned to her, this time, Yasmin didn’t look too impressed.

“Alright,” The bald man nodded in defeat. “I thought it would be a fun way to start the year.”

“It would be fun if we were doing our original practical.” I mumbled, looking down at my desk.

“Okay, no introductions. Let’s begin with writing our reports now.” The bald man turned and frowned at me. “Cerise, please stop talking and do your report. You’re supposed to be leading an example.”

Heaving another exasperated huff, I reached for my pen and began writing.

Aldenbury’s Native Pest

Name: Cerise huhuhu.. space, space, secret message, space,space Date: Monday

Common Name: George Van Goldenburg

Scientific Name: Baldacious Tubbilatica

Habitat: This moody creature prefers to reside in a small, yet obnoxiously adorned office.

Appearance: The most distinguishing feature of this creature is the baldness, stumpy limbs and a rotund physique. Many worried scientists and dieticians are worried for this creature well-being.

Traits: This peculiar, yet aesthetically displeasing creature tends to suffer from:
denialobaldiousgraphobia – a fear where the victim is afraid of being bald, or called ‘bald’ and will deny any baldness
unreasonableapunishmentaficronia – where the victim gives harsh punishments for no legitimate reasons and
imustalwaysneedstomustworkwork – a sad condition where the victim must work, or they will sadly cease to exist.

Status: It is often regarded as a myth or just sheer luck that this creature had managed to find a mate in its lifetime.

Field Notes: it is heavily debated on whether it should be considered to have ‘hair’ on its head or whether it is the creature's power of creating such illusions.




Smirking at my paper, I held it forward to the bald man. Julia, who normally hands everything before anyone, gasped at my speed and brilliance. I was the first person to hand in their work. Indeed, I was leading the right example. I glanced towards Yasmin’s direction and smiled. Take that, Yasmin!

The bald man took a quick glance at my report, flicked it away, and continued to play games on his iPhone. I felt my mouth drop. I bet he didn’t know brilliance even if it slapped him on the back of his bald head! In fact, I bet his baldness acts like an ultraviolet shield that makes any genius ideas ricochet away. Heh, that’s probably why he couldn’t appreciate my work.
 I huffed as I scurried away, searching for my stray paper.

I caught Yasmin smirking at me as I bent down. Ugh!

Now being the student council president, which was equivalent of being the captain of the whole student body, and therefore the smartest student in the school, I had to handle this ungrateful act with grace, poise and the utmost maturity.



I could say I did.



Cerise: Excuse me kind sir, do you realise that flicking my science report will only loosen the strands of what looks like the remains of your hair follicles?



Bald man: Cerise, you’re talking to the desk. I’m over here.



Cerise: (turns around) Oh sorry, kind sir. I couldn’t see you on the account of something bright and distracting was blinding my eyes.



Man with the shiny head: Very funny, Cerise. Now please be serious with your work. I can’t mark fictional characters.



Cerise: (gasps) Fictional characters? …If I bribe you with a buffer and polisher would you pass me?



Man that needed his head to be buffed and polished: What?



Cerise: Okay, okay. I’ll even add a free wig. How does that sound?



Bald man in denial: Sounds like you need a trip to the red room.


Now, the ‘red room’ was not even red, I don’t even know why it’s called the ‘red room’. The ‘red room’ was anything but colourful. It was like calling your dog ‘cat’. It made no sense and poorly reflected a person’s character and intellect. People who do these things should be left on an island.



Besides lacking in the logical naming department, the ‘red room’ also lacked in logical room layout department. Confining and daunting, the ‘red room’ was approximately the size of a janitors’ closet with bleak, cream coloured walls and had no means of circulation. If you were an unfortunate student being sent to the red room whilst Mr Higgs was the supervisor, and he lets a big one out (and I know what you know what I mean), you were screwed.



Before the bald man could write me a slip, the bell had rung. It was lunchtime. Yes!



Now which sounded better: having a delicious meal, home cooked by your loving mother with your best friends under your favourite tree at your favourite eating place or going to the red room that was in reality, the colour of cream?



…



And besides, I was told that the student council president never received detentions and had always led the right example. Being the current student council president, I decided that I should act as one and not go to my detention. I’m leading the right example, aren’t I?




“Everyone has a heavenly sanctuary.” I stated simply, with my hands held high in the air, adding emphasis.

Julia and Lee-Min stared at me.

I sighed and dropped my hands. “Okay then. You know a place of utmost Zen, a place where you can be yourself, a place where you are safe and comfortable, a place where things and people you love surround you? Yeah? I have one and that happens to be Aldenbury Girls Grammar School.”

Lee-min stared at me. “Are you serious? You mean high school?”

“Yes.”

“As in, this school-school?”

“Yeah.”

“Like, this school-school, where your father is the principal?” Julia asked slowly, her brown eyes watching me carefully.

“Yes.” I replied exasperatedly. Was it so hard to believe that I liked being at school?

Julia and Lee-Min quickly glanced at each other.

“You, my good friend, are weird.” Lee-Min stated as she patted my back.

“Why thank you, Lee-Min,” I said as I bowed graciously, “but it takes one to know one.”

“You know, I’m a bit worried that you’re in love with your school. Especially at your age.” Julia said, sounding very worried.

“You know,” I recited, imitating Julia an octave higher, “I’m a bit worried that you’re in love with a fictional character and write love stories on how you two will marry. Especially at your age.”

Julia opened her mouth then closed it immediately. She folded her arms across her chest. “Yeah, but plenty of people do that too, you know!” She defended pathetically. “There’s even online communities for that stuff! It’s perfectly fine! Besides, liking your school to that extent?”

“Oh, come on Julia!” I smiled as I tippy-toed and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “I’m at the very pinnacle of my life! I’ve been elected as Student Council President this year and I’ve got my three best friends in the same roll call class as me. Why on earth should I not love my life, my school life right now? Everything is perfect!”

“The ‘very pinnacle’? You either live a sad, closed life or that means it’s going to go downhill from here. Your life may have just peaked.” Lee-Min shook her head solemnly and complained, “How did we get onto this weird topic?”

“You started it!” I mock accused Lee-Min.

Julia fervently nodded in agreement, her tight curls bouncing with each nod. “You did ask what was important to us – besides friends and family.”

“Birthday presents,” Lee-Min mumbled while massaging her temples, ignoring both Julia and me. “I meant birthday presents.”

“Then what are you going to get?” I huffed, realising no one was taking my reply seriously.



But before Lee-Min could reply, we immediately dropped the subject. Sarah was yelling and running towards us.



“Guys! Guess what! You’d never believe it! Can you believe it? Me either! Oh my gosh!” Sarah began to hyperventilate. And foam at the mouth.



Raising her brows, Julia leaned forward in anticipation, “What is it?” 

Lee-Min suspiciously glanced at Julia. The three of us were planning a surprise birthday party for Sarah. Out of us three, the person most likely to accidentally spill the surprise was Julia.



Jumping up and down, Sarah squealed, “You’ll never believe it! Never!! Boys! Boys! Men! Six packs! Abs! Pen – ”



Julia blushed before Lee-Min could cut her off. “Calm down, Sarah. What the hell are you on about?”



Closing her eyes Sarah took a few breaths before restarting. “Okay. Imagine this – school now: work, study, trouble, study, assignment, girls, study, girls, work, homework, girls – ugh!”


We all nodded. Sounded like our daily lives right now.


“But wait,” Sarah smiled, edging closer to us, “Imagine this. School next week: work, study, trouble, study, assignment, boys, study, boys, work, homework, boys, boyfriends!” Sarah began to squeal and jump.



Julia blushed, Lee-Min yawned and I choked on my damn biscuit.



“I’m sure you all knew! You were just going to keep this a surprise for me! Well, I already know. Thanks for the thought, though. That would have been the best birthday present, too!”



I managed to find my voice. “Okay Sarah, what on earth are you talking about?”



“Well, I just think its sweet how you guys would keep it a surprise from me. You all know that more than anything that I want a boyfriend right now!”



And that’s when all three of us – Julia, Lee-Min and I stared at Sarah. Genuinely lost.



“Although that is a pretty big secret,” Sarah babbled on, “like how Aldenbury Girls Grammar School and Brookfield Boys College are going to unite into one school. I mean, seriously, I could not believe it! Sure, I heard rumours, but I never truly believed it! Not until I heard your dad, Rise, confirm it on the phone! He was saying how the contract was signed and all and how he’s got to announce the big news soon! And yeah, I can’t believe it. You know?” Sarah finally turned to us.



Julia fidgeted, Lee-Min coughed and I squawked.

What.