The Disease Called Men

Food, shelter, love and toilet paper are life’s necessities!

Cerise’s handy-dandy home improvement tips:
1. Know what colour scheme you want and stick to it!
2. Building? Rearranging? Lifting? Cleaning? Get someone else to do it.
3. Someone else should do it! Hey, I’m paying them with a sandwich!
4. Make sure sandwich is made out of ingredients that are older than their mother.



“It’s late at night and you suddenly wake up. You gasp. You feel a bead of sweat drop slowly trickle down from your brow. You have this feeling – you know this feeling. That feeling – that strong, churning in your abdominal area. That feeling. You fight the urge to get up and visit the bathroom. You don’t want to, you clench your teeth and decide not to because it’s nice and warm in your bed and it’s so bloody cold outside. You don’t want to, you try and convince yourself, but you need to. Oh, you need to, dammit. Your painful urge is just too damn strong! So you decide to go. You rush to the toilet. Oh, shit. You bite your tongue as you ignore the unwelcome chill of the night as you throw your warm blankets aside, stubbing a toe in the darkness. Fuck! You cradle your fragile self, in this moment of weakness. But in the scheme of things, that’s okay, you mumble to yourself as you crawl towards the toilet. It will be worth it. You’re nearly there. Nearly there.

You’re on the toilet now and let it all go.

You let it all go.

Ah, sweet, sweet glory, hallelujah! And it is in this moment you know that all your life has led to this moment! This defining moment of purpose and peace! You have found your real purpose in life! You feel that all your problems are slowly dissipating with each moment! You have defeated life! You smile to yourself, reaching forward. But then, the truth slowly dawns on you. A dreading realisation falls on you. The sad truth of this whole ordeal…

There is no toilet paper!

At this moment, you can feel your heart rate accelerate. Each beat, drumming in your ears. Your eyes, now wide open, immediately scan the room, in hope to find that divine container of rolls! This corner? Empty. That corner? Empty. Up above? Empty. Slight panic slowly arises.

Suddenly, you remember – one always places that divine container of rolls behind the toilet! You smile to yourself, somewhat impressed of your own cleverness. You slowly turn your head, expecting to see that beautiful, divine container of rolls…

But alas, there is nothing! Nothing! Not even a damn toilet brush! Behind the toilet is bare as your father’s head! Realising this tragedy, you decide to abort your mission, to abandon your purpose in life. But you can’t! You can’t, dammit! It won’t stop! The mind is willing, but the body is weak! What do you do? What do you do?!”

And that same feeling of devastating hopelessness was how I was feeling right about now. That feeling of loss, anguish and a desperate ‘WHY ME?!’. That strong feeling was deeply resounding in my soul. But first, why was I feeling doomed and gloomy? Time for a WHOOSH:

“And there to your left, you will see Aldenbury’s largest rock. If you continue to follow that path, that will lead you to an oak tree. A great place for you to commit suicide, I might add.”

“I don’t care about crappy trees or rocks! Where is the dorm?!” Nikko snapped. How annoying. Here, I was doing him a favour and he’s being cranky like a little ungrateful child in desperate need of a nap.

“Shut up and listen, you ungrateful person! I’m giving you an exclusive tour!”

Nikko snorted, folding his arms. “I don’t see what’s so ‘exclusive’ about the trees and rocks you show me! Just show me the damn dorm, Cerise!” He paused. “And were you subtly telling me to kill myself? You’re terrible! You should never do that!”

“’Twas only a mere suggestion.” I dismissively waved a hand at him, “And here is the west dorm. I hope you don’t stay long.”

“Thanks,” Nikko mumbled as he looked at the dormitory. I led him by the stoney pathway which led directly to the colossal building, known as the ‘West Dorm’. The structure loomed proudly behind iron gates, decorated by ivy and ferns. The monotone buzz of numerous voices filled the air.

“Hey!” I glared at him. “You said you didn’t know anyone who knew their way to the dorm – but there’s people here already!”

Nikko frowned as he surveyed the scene. “That’s what I was told…”

I snickered, “What? Don’t you have any friends to help you? Are you being isolated by everyone? Don’t tell me you’re secretly getting bullied by everyone?”

Nikko glared at me. “Whatever. You may leave now, Cerise.” He began to wave his hand in a shooing manner. Like I was some dog. How annoying. That only makes me want to stay longer.

“Aw, it’s okay,” I cooed as I ruffled Nikko’s hair. “I’ll take you to the oak trees. I’ll even teach you how to make the pain go away.”

“You are telling me to kill myself!” Nikko exclaimed. “You are terrible! You shouldn’t do that.”

“Hey Nikko! About time you’re here!”

Nikko and I turned around. It was Miller. I frowned at the sight of him. Seeing Miller not in his uniform looked… weird. I mean, there was nothing with his fashion sense (for a guy, I mean, who am I to judge?), he was only wearing casual clothes – jeans and a shirt – but… it was so weird! It was as if these guys had a life outside of school!

“Miller, you ass!” Nikko groaned. “You said you didn’t know where the west dorm was!”

Miller shrugged. “I didn’t. But it was easy finding it on the map. Oh? Hey Cerise.”

I nodded half-heartedly at Miller. Acknowledging he was there, but not bothering to say hi.

“What are you doing here, Cerise?” asked Miller who completely ignored the whining Nikko. “Are you here to help out? Or, did you want to visit my room? I just finished decorating it – ”

“Nikko!”

Two guys made their way to us. I recognised one guy to be Kyles, but I didn’t know the other. They all started to talk about something unrelated to me. Which left me awkwardly standing there, like some outsider. Yeah, thanks guys. An introduction never hurt anybody. How inconsiderate. What did I expect from these boys?

I bit my lip. Would it look like I was socially incompetent if I just left? Probably. So I pretended to be cool and casual and surveyed the scene. I frowned. I could see boys from Brookfield, their family members, teachers and friends everywhere. How annoying. It really does look like those boys are here to stay. Dammit.

“Hey guys,” the other guy I didn’t know suddenly spoke up, “Yeah, there’s this guy called Naveen Ahmed, and he’s just awesome. I mean, an Eskimo called him cool. So Naveen just pretty much won at life. He like, defeated life. So yeah, if you see him, don’t be shy. He won’t reject your praise and honour. He’s a nice guy. Everyone should be friends with him. Just saying.”

Nikko gave that guy a disgusted look. “You do know you were just talking about yourself, just now, right?”

“Oh Nikko, you flatter me too much. I am not worthy of your praise!” Naveen sighed and shook his head. “Just thought I should introduce myself to your friend.”

Nikko shrugged. I stared at Naveen. I didn’t know guys like him existed. How interesting.

“So what do you think, Cerise?”

“Huh?” I turned to face Kyles.

“So you’re coming, right?”

“Huh?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow? To school?” Where else would I be?

Kyles sighed, “No. Were you even listening before?”

I frowned at him. Was I supposed to? “What?”

Miller looked at me. “You do know that there is no school tomorrow because we’re moving in, right?”

I stared at him in horror. The words ‘moving in’ echoed in my mind. So it was really happening. Those boys were really staying. For real. I felt slightly nauseous.
WHOOSH…

“What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?!” I cried in frustration. It was after school and I had invited Lee-Min, Sarah and Julia to my dorm. Well, I couldn’t really invite Lee-Min because she also lived in the same dorm. But, seeing no one bothering to notice me, I slumped into a chair and sighed, “Nikko told me the guys are permanently moving into the dorms tomorrow. What do I do?”

“They are?” Sarah asked. I frowned at her. All of a sudden she was paying attention to me.

“We don’t have classes tomorrow because of them!”

“I don’t see why you’re sulking.” Lee-Min intoned. “We get a day off school.”

I looked at her.

“I mean,” Lee-min amended, “why don’t you use your evidence to persuade your father against uniting?”

“Evidence? What evidence?” I blinked. Suddenly, I remembered! I looked at Lee-Min in awe. “You are so intelligent and intellectual!”

Lee-min frowned at me but said nothing.

Julia blushed, “Actually, that was your plan a long time ago, remember? Remember when we went to BBC?”

I thought about it. Oh yeah. I totally forgot about that. I had to refrain myself from slapping myself! “Have I ever told you that you’re generous and perspiring?

“You mean ‘genius’ and ‘perceptive’?” corrected Lee-min as she shook her head at me.

“Yeah, that too.”

Lee-min sighed. Julia blushed. “We can show that to your father today, he might change his mind.”

Sarah turned to me. “Do you have the evidence?”

I thought back. How many years ago was it when we infiltrated the Boys’ College? Did I still have the photo? I chuckled at the thought of the photo. Yeah, I still had it. Of course I did.

I nodded. I got out my phone and showed them the picture I had taken of the Nikko and Miller in a compromising position.

“So what do you guys think?”

Lee-Min choked, Julia blushed and looked away and Sarah giggled, leaning in. “That’s hot!”

I frowned at Sarah. “Huh?”

Julia smiled and nudged me. “Remember? This was our secret mission? This is ‘Phase Two’.”

I grinned. “Yes, proceed to Phase Two.”