The Disease Called Men

Never pick your best friend or enemy to be your roommate – you won't get any sleep either way!

Cerise's unbelievable yet possibly true myths about Dorms:
1. No matter what she says or denies, Lee-min snores.
2. The teachers who patrol the dorms actually do not exist!
3. The only thing that protects our Dorm from boy creatures is our door lock. Crap.
4. I hear Julia's cousin’s uncles’ friend’s brother’s boyfriend is a good locksmith.



“I can’t believe you,” Lee-Min shook her head at me, her voice grave. “I can’t believe you actually blackmailed them…”

Here we were in our dorm, at the table, talking about the issue at hand like adults. Actually, Yasmin and I were arguing over the last cookie and Lee-Min got sick of hearing us, so she ate the cookie to stop us from arguing. Anyway, the three of us ended up sitting around the table discussing the issue of Brookfield boys.

“That’s actually a very good idea,” mumbled Yasmin, rubbing her chin.

“See?” I looked at Lee-Min, feeling validated. “Besides, it was to test to see if they would follow orders!”

Lee-Min rolled her eyes and rubbed her temples. “Why do I have to tell you? Blackmailing is bad, Cerise. And it’s not like they chose to come here. You can’t blame them. Even if it makes you feel better, you can’t do that. If anything, it’s the principal’s fault.”

“That silly bald man…”

“Well, it’s not like we can do anything about it, besides accepting it.” Lee-Min sighed. “Tomorrow we’re going to have an official co-ed school with boys in our classes.”

I groaned, throwing my head back. I wasn’t looking forward to tomorrow. “How annoying is that?”

“Very,” agreed Yasmin.

“Geez, what is it with you two? They’re only guys from a different school. Stop making a big deal about it – ”

“Only guys?” I looked at Lee-Min, offended. “Lee-Min how could you say that? What, you’re not secretly the devil’s advocate are you?! Do you not know what this could mean?”

“What? It’s not like they’re inherently evil or anything. There’s nothing we can do anyway. Just accept the facts, Cerise – ”

“Never!” I cried, shaking my head violently.

“Wow. She’s so deluded…” Yasmin mumbled.

“Weren’t you agreeing with her a moment ago?” Lee-Min frowned at Yasmin.

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I don’t hate boys… I mean I have a dad and brothers.”

Lee-Min scoffed. “How is that relevant? That doesn’t even make sense. They’re more than boys, Cerise. They’re, I don’t know, people.”

I shrugged, continuing on. “Okay, I don’t hate boys, I just hate those Brookfield boys. I wouldn’t have a problem if they didn’t come here. But the problem is, they’re here. Like a rash. Unwelcome and unnatural. Just seeing them here, ruining my heavenly sanctuary, I just get so annoyed…”

Lee-Min continued to give me a strange look. She didn’t look impressed. “You’re not getting it, are you?”

“I know right,” Yasmin nodded. “They disgust me so much. Men in all their ‘glory’ are revolting things. Compare them to those primitive creatures called the ‘primal apes’ and you’ll see there’s not much of a difference. Men are entitled, narcissistic and have no manners! Seriously, they only have one thing in their mind and only care about themselves! Men are egotistical, hairy, feral beasts!”

Lee-Min and I stared at Yasmin.

“Oh, and they’re horrible, too.” Yasmin added.

I nodded and began to slowly applaud Yasmin. Lee-Min raised an eyebrow at Yasmin, “Could you be secretly…?”

“What?” Yasmin narrowed her eyes at Lee-Min.

Lee-Min shook her head, “No, that’s not it. Whatever, it’s late. I’m going to bed. Hearing you two spew on about misandry is exhausting. I don’t even know why we’re talking about this.”

“Lee-Min, wait!” I called, “What about – ”

“Cerise, if you have so much free time to think about boys, shouldn’t you use that time to buy Sarah a present or plan something for the fete day instead? How are you going with that?”

I felt the truth slap me on the face. I stared at her as she left. Oh my gosh. She was right! How could I totally forget something important like that? I mentally cursed at myself. I needed to get my priorities right. Annoying boys, it was all their fault! It was their fault I was distracted!

“All boys are assholes…” Yasmin muttered as she got up and left the room.

I frowned at Yasmin. In all my life, we never had come to an agreement. Except for this. Why did she hate boys so much? Didn’t she used to have a good friend that was a guy? What happened to him? I shuddered. Those annoying Brookfield boys must have been infecting me. Now I’m even starting to think about Yasmin. I groaned. I needed to do something about this. I needed to stop this disease from spreading!



I’ve always hated coming to the student council room early in the morning. Everyone would usually be tired, stressed or cold. Today was different. Today was worse. Everyone was making last minute preparations for the assembly, which was happening in less than twenty minutes.

“Anyone up for a lunching with me today?” Kyles was asking.

Nikko grunted in response as he rapidly typed up the program, which no one bothered to do. Miller sighed, as he and Julia were making last minute changes to the schedule and had to check the sound system. Julia groaned in frustration at Miller’s lack of knowledge of technology. Yasmin was too busy calling anyone to volunteer to sing up front. And I was too busy trying to write my speech.

“What's that?” Kyles continued, “Am I deluded? What's wrong with me? Never? You'd rather eat a dead rat's unborn baby, and then shit it out, and eat it again? Oh, fair reason. I understand. Merely a friendly invitation is all. I have a free period before lunch, so I was just wondering if anyone was up for some chow. I even have my mother’s famous home made bot chien.”

No response.

“Mmm… Well, the offer’s still open, so, don't be shy.” Kyles looked around, “No? I’m just going to die a virgin? Wonderful. Great to see such positive feedback, guys. I really love you guys, you know.”

Yasmin scoffed as she hung up the phone. “You are so annoying.”

“Appreciating the love, Yasmin.” Kyles replied, “I hope all is well on your end. God bless you.”

Miller looked up from a report. “Just do your work, Kyles.”

“I already did! Unlike you all, I always finish my work a day ahead.” Kyles pouted, “Does anybody care about me? Does anybody care what I have to say?”

“Apparently not,” responded Nikko as he got up and began to leave the room, “I don’t.”

“We don’t have time for that,” Miller called as he and Julia left the room. “We need to check if the sound system actually works in the assembly room.”

Julia only muttered something about how incompetent Miller was.

Kyles stared at the door, shocked.

“What are you standing around for,” Yasmin scolded Kyles, “assembly starts in ten minutes!”

I groaned. I hated coming to the Student Council Room early in the mornings.



Welcome Cerise’s Cooking Show!
Do you like food? Do you like eating? Or perhaps, do you only watch this show to watch the attractive host cook? No worries! Today, I will teach you how make a co-ed school. Here is the recipe:

Ingredients:
- Students
- Teachers
- Chairs
- Assembly room

Utensils:
- Assembly room
- Loud Mikes
- Un-tuned piano

Method:
Step One:
Secure students in a small, stinky assembly room. Do not even bother to set up chairs. Don’t mind them. They can stand for an hour and thirty minutes with no breaks. They don’t matter. There are only over 1,000 students in one tiny room. The room won’t smell.

Step Two:
Add national anthem. Cue for horrible stage singers with mikes on ‘loud’. Ensure the student council participate singing. Ignore the fact whether they can not/ do not want to sing.

Step Three:
Combine with school pledge. Oops! There are two schools remember? Which one should we say? Which should go first? No matter, ensure school pledge is said at same time.

Step Four:
Take student council members and place them on stage. Appoint each member to their position and state their duties. It’s okay if badges are not given. Badges aren’t important. Badges don’t make them look any cooler or more professional. It’s just a badge. It’s not like the members were only secretly looking forward in receiving their badges. Dammit.

Step Five:
Add president speeches. Ugh. Rewind. Forget step five. Erase from memory. This never happened.

Step Six:
Mix in the teacher’s explanation on what is happening. What? Official classes will start tomorrow? Today is only for students to become familiar with the new circumstances.

Step Seven:
Finish the assembly with any last announcements. Please note: Mr. Bald Principal, please know that ‘ordering’ everyone to be friendly and nice to every student and teacher (including yourself) is not an announcement – that is a pathetic cry for attention. Please stop. You’re embarrassing everyone.

Step Eight:
Separate students from room. Begin unofficial classes. Beware of Brookfield students.

Congratu-fucking-lations! There you have it! Now your school is an official co-ed school. Hooray for chaos!

Fuck my life.