The Disease Called Men

Someone wise once said ‘All is fair in love and war’. Right. Remember kids, nothing in life is fair! If you’re going to play, play to win! Take heed!

Cerise’s insightful words of wisdom:
1. If you forgot your keys and had to sleep outside like a homeless person, it’s okay. Everyone experiences that at least once in their lifetime – it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
2. But if you get caught then please proceed to find the sharpest object and place it on the ground and hope that in time you may accidentally trip and land on it.
3. Honey, lime green will never look good on you. I’m sorry, stop it. Okay, maybe not you Julia, but everything looks good on you.
4. Boys are annoying. Don’t bother wasting efforts of throwing rocks at likes such as them. We should just get rid of them all. Completely. Fuck the patriarchy!



“Why… Why the hell are you all here?!” I cried, shaking a pointed finger at Miller. “You! Explain yourself, in less than ten words, why you’re all here, after school in the Student Council room, much less in Aldenbury!”

Miller frowned at me and scratched his dense head. “Well, we… Wait, don’t you know?”

“What’s wrong with you?” Nikko sighed as he sat down on my favourite chair, dammit. “We have a Student Council meeting. Let’s get this over with.”

I made a face. “What? Now?” I glanced at Lee-Min and Sarah. Lee-Min looked bored, examining her nails while Sarah was drooling. “What about Lee-Min and Sarah?”

Lee-Min frowned as she examined the three boys. “These are the male members of the Student Council?”

Sarah giggled, leaning on Lee-Min’s shoulder. “They’re kinda cute.”

Kyles tried to suavely run his hands through his dark brown hair and Miller subtly puffed out his chest. Nikko scoffed at the two, shaking his head. “What the hell is wrong with you two?”

Kyles lowly chuckled as he casually hung his arm around Julia and Sarah. “Ah Nikko… how can you not be affected by being in the same room with these fine ladies?”

Julia blushed and Lee-Min slapped his hand off Julia. Sarah smiled and fluttered her eyelashes. “Oh, you don’t really mean that…”



I stared at everyone. Kyles and Miller were trying to flirt with Julia and Lee-Min, both failing, while Sarah was trying to indiscreetly take photos with Lee-Min scolding her. Nikko was drawing on the whiteboard, ignoring everyone. I honestly couldn’t believe this. Combining schools with these people? These boys?
What would happen to my heavenly sanctuary? Why?

Suddenly a loud, whiny “Cerise” snapped me out of my thoughts and dragged me back to reality. I looked at the source of the loud, whiny voice. “Huh? What?”

Sarah groaned. She was leaning on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. “Didn’t you get what I just said?!” She hissed. I felt mildly disgusted when I felt her spit in my ear.

“No, what did you say?” I asked as I wiped my ear. Ew.

“I said, ‘don’t you think those guys are hot?’”

“Oh.”

“Well, do you?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Come on! I totally think so! Totally do-worthy.”

I cringed at that term. “Are we even looking at the same things? Those things are hideous beasts. Don’t touch them or you’ll get rabies.”

Shaking her head, Sarah exasperatedly sighed and patted my shoulder. “Haven’t you met puberty yet? Why do you still think boys are disgusting? At this age? Come on, don’t you think Kyles is kind of cute? He’s got that beautiful pale skin, and pretty hazel eyes, and perfect hair! Did you know? He’s half Vietnamese!” Sarah giggled and nudged me.

I glanced at Kyles. Indeed, he has nice hair. How unfair. I watched as Kyles was trying to flirt with Lee-Min, but Lee-Min was ignoring him. I snorted at the sight. “No, Nikko told me he’s a walking STD.” Now Kyles was trying to flirt with Julia, which only earned him a little slap on the hand from Lee-Min. Seeing him trying to touch Lee-Min reminded me something. “Ah, and he’s contagious! Don’t touch him or you’ll become pregnant.”

Turning to Kyles, Sarah frowned and rubbed her chin. “Not your type? Fine.” She began to survey the room, then she suddenly smiled her evil smile. “Oh, I get it. What about Nikko?”

“Nikko?” I turned away from Kyles and looked at Nikko, scrunching my nose. “I don’t think he’s a walking STD… but he’s very annoying. Like those nagging street vendors you try to evade and avoid eye contact with but can’t and get trapped listening to them go on. Don’t go near him if you want don’t want grey hair from all the stress.”

Sarah closed her eyes and slowly inhaled. “That’s not what I meant. You know what I mean.”

I looked at her imploringly.

Sarah grinned her seedy man grin again, her lanky freckled elbow nudging me at the sides. “Aw, come on! He’s so hot! Personally, I prefer Miller, but Nikko is hot, too! How can you not notice? Look! He is so good-looking! He’s got the tan skin, the hair, those green eyes you like.” She elbowed me harder in the ribs as she urged me, “Look! Look, Cerise! Look!”

Withering from the pain, I managed to shudder at the thought. “No way! What are you, dense? That’s so disgusting. I don’t even need to look at him, but hearing his name makes me feel disgusted.”

Sarah sighed and dropped her elbow. “You are so unbelievable, Cerise. How can you not be attracted to men? Why do you hate them? Where did this come from?”

“I don’t hate them, I hate them being here.”

Sarah smiled at me. It was a different sort of Sarah smile; it was even creepier smile than her ‘seedy man grin’. “Cerise, other than boys, have you ever thought about – ”

Suddenly, a hand mysteriously found its way on Sarah’s mouth. “That’s enough, Sarah.” It was Lee-Min, my saviour. “I don’t want you corrupting Cerise with your unhealthy obsession with men. It’s fine whether she’s attracted to men or not. Cerise is just Cerise.”

Sarah pouted, “Fine, I get it Lee-Min.” She turned to me, waving a disproving finger at me. “Cerise, the bottom line of what I’m trying to say is that it won’t be so bad if Brookfield and Aldenbury combine. I mean, it’ll do you some good, having guys around. You completely hating boys, that’s a bit unhealthy. At the very least, learn to socialise with them.”

“Who cares if she doesn’t like boys?” interrupted Lee-Min, “She might prefer something else, we don’t know. Besides, as long as she isn’t doing any harm, it doesn’t matter.”

I waved my hand dismissively at them as Lee-Min began dragging the bleating Sarah out of the room. “I’m fine not liking boys – they’re disgusting. All I need is my heavenly sanctuary and I’ll be fine.”

Lee-min waved. “You’re still going on about that, are you?”

Freeing her way out of Lee-Min’s tight headlock, Sarah turned to me. “Why do you insist boys are disgusting? Is that you being childish again? What happened? What’s a ‘heavenly sanctuary’? Is this some spa resort or something? Hey! Why are we leaving, Lee-Min? I didn’t even manage to sneak a picture or – ”

“It’s because they’re having their meeting now.”

“Aw, can’t we watch?”

“No way. I heard Miller complain to Nikko how seriously creeped out he felt when he said he could feel this strange presence watch him.”

“I just need a picture and maybe a strand of hair! That’s all I need! I promise it’s nothing illegal!”

I sighed and shook my head at the two as Lee-Min struggled to drag the bleating Sarah out of the room and shut the door.

Then I realised I left Julia alone to fend for herself against Kyles and Miller. I turned, searching for the tall brunette. Julia was cornered and looking down to her lap, mumbling replies. I could tell she was uncomfortable. I had to save her.

“Hey Julia – ”

“Why are we combining the school fetes?” Julia whined at the two.

I stared at Julia, Kyles and Miller. Did… did I just hear…?

“It’s true, Miss President.” I heard someone drawl into my ear.

“What?” I immediately turned to the speaker.

Ew. It was Nikko.

Nikko sighed as he sat next to me. “Want to start the meeting now?”

I blinked at him. “What… what… what…”

“B-but… Yasmin isn’t here yet…” Julia mumbled as she quickly made her escape from the evil clutches of Kyles and Miller and sat next to me.

“What…”

Miller grinned. “Yeah, we were thinking of combining our school fetes because…”

“A co-ed function,” Kyles sighed, sounding unimaginably pleased, “imagine all the girls…”

Julia pouted and turned to me. “What about Sarah’s surprise birthday? These boys will just ruin it. They weren’t part of the plan.” She’s right. These boys will ruin not only ruin our plans, but will ruin everything in Aldenbury!

Closing my eyes, I pinched the bridge of my nose, praying for patience. “No, no, no. We’re not having a combined fete. That’s impossible.”

Kyles and Miller took their seats. Miller raised an eyebrow. “Impossible? It’s already been signed and approved.”

Julia glanced at me and bit her lip. “Cerise…”

I looked up and stared at Miller in horror, letting all the new information process in my mind.

“WHAT?!” This was new information for me. “We’re combining our school fetes?! No! We can’t be! You’re all liars! Lies!”

“But Cerise,” Miller began, his voice softer, “if it weren’t true we wouldn’t have a meeting on it, we – ”

“Blasphemy!” I cried as I pretended to throw Holy water at him. “You shrewd charlatan! Leave! Leave my people! Leave and I’ll overlook the fact you speak of such – ”

“The hell are you doing?”

I immediately froze, mid-throw. It was Yasmin, standing at the doorway, disgust clearly written on her delicate face. Ugh, it was Yasmin. Wait! She was just the person I needed.

“Yasmin!” I cried as I ran by her side, grabbing her shoulder and fervently pointed at the boys. “These men are the portent of death! We must eradicate them at once!”

Yasmin stepped back, quickly brushing my hand off her shoulder. “Are you being stupid on purpose? Or does it come naturally?”

“It’s neither,” I heard Nikko mutter, “I highly doubt anyone could surpass Cerise in stupidity. It’s her talent.”

I looked at Yasmin, betrayed. “Don’t you understand? Aldenbury is becoming sodomised by these… these…” I shook my head, waving my hand at those Brookfield boys, “these sinful and wicked men!”

Nikko stared at me. “What are you saying? This meeting is only to confirm and plan – ”

“What?!” I cried. Confirm? Plan? How come I haven’t heard of this? “Not only did you want to combine the schools, but you also want to combine the fete? What more do you want?!”

Yasmin glared at Nikko.

“Like I wanted this too,” grumbled Nikko as he shrugged and walked away.

“Alright!” Miller cleared his throat and clapped his hands. “L-let’s get this started.”

No! Let’s not start this! Let’s cancel everything, congratulate ourselves and call it a day! I groaned and started to bang my head on the desk, I don’t care if banging my head was not the way to time travel, but brain damage. And honestly, I wouldn’t mind being unconscious right now.