The Disease Called Men

No one will ever be cool as your big brother!

Claret’s guide to protecting little sisters against pests:
1. Remember when you kicked me in the stomach and in return I pulled your hair? (And Saffron shaved half of it off in your sleep?) And remember those daily wrestling and boxing matches between you and all us brothers you needed but may or may not have wanted? Well, now you’re ready for your first real fight in case the situation ever arises (it will). You’re welcome.
2. I will tell you the truth whether you like it or not. Usually you won’t like it. And usually when you don’t ask for it, too. Most likely, you need to hear it and most likely you will not like it. Why’s that, you ask? I’m toughening you up for the cruel world that is out there. I need to train you so you can smell it when you’re getting taken advantage of! There is a fine art to bullshit and trickery!
3. Remember: no guy will ever be good enough! You are fine as you are (only when you’re not being annoying to me). And if you think he is, think again. He isn’t.
4. Any boy trouble? Don’t worry, I’ll eliminate all threats and remove all evidence. No questions asked.



“Oh hello,” Azure looked up from the cupboard and smiled, “you must be Cerise’s little – ”

“What the hell, Azure?!” Saffron shrieked, “Stop dropping the tomatoes! Why are all the tomatoes on the ground? They’re going to get bruised!”

“You’re Cerise’s friend.”

After a quick panicked frenzy to pick up all the scattered tomatoes on the floor, Saffron looked up.

WHAM!

I flinched at the sudden loud noise and turned to Saffron. Saffron had just decapitated a fish’s head. “Nice to meet you, I’m Saffron.”

“Oh! Nice to see you again!” The bald man beamed as he got up to his feet and shook Nikko’s hand. “Welcome!”

I watched in horror as the mess of my brothers meeting Nikko began to unfold. Azure did not bother to greet him. In fact, Azure just kept a steady gaze at Nikko as if there was a rare mythical creature in our house. To my brothers, I supposed ‘Cerise having friends’ would be categorised under ‘rare mythical creatures’ mainly because they don’t exist and everyone enjoys a good fantasy tale.

“So who exactly are you again?”

I gave Claret a pointed look for his obvious rudeness.

“Sorry, I’m bad at introductions,” Claret shrugged. I mentally scoffed at Claret’s ‘apology’. Claret was not sorry at all and he was definitely not expecting a boy. “I’m Claret, Cerise’s oldest brother.”

“I’m Nikko – ”

“Uh huh, last name?”

“Vanderbilt.”

“Okay, got it.” Viridian nodded as he wrote something in a black notebook.

“I didn’t know Cerise had any male friends.” Claret said rather sharply, tapping his fingers on the table.

Nikko blinked, unsure how to reply Claret. “I’m…”

He gave me a quick glance. I could tell he knew Claret was a time bomb waiting to happen and I was sure Nikko didn’t want Claret to explode. I mentally gave him a pointed look. Nikko better not claim us to be… friends. Shudder. Even to anything close to a platonic relationship was unthinkable. Acquaintanceship was probably the most generous term I could think us of.

“A mate.”

WHAAAAT?!

My jaw dropped. That was the best he could think of?! Really?! Aren’t you the male Student Council President?

“Like a classmate or something?” Viridian raised a brow.

Claret slowly nodded, carefully processing everything. I could tell by his narrowed beady blue eyes he was still scrutinising Nikko.

“Yeah.” I could see Nikko began to slightly relax. He managed to coolly sidestep this one. “Because of school, we – ”

“Or do you mean a playmate?” Saffron interrupted.

I choked and my head immediately turned to Saffron. WHAT?! Why on earth did he have to stir things?! And judging from Saffron’s facial expression, I could see he was clearly enjoying this.

Nikko frowned, “I don’t think – ”

“Sorry, sorry my bad,” Saffron shrugged, “you obviously meant soul mate, yeah?”

I thought I heard a faint ‘click’, as if Claret had disengaged the safety hatchet of his gun. I slowly turned to Claret. Claret, with his rifle in hand, smiled disarmingly.

“Claret!” I scolded. This was extremely embarrassing and just so mortifying!

“Sorry. As you can see, I have a strong fascination with guns.” Claret looked at Nikko right in the eye, “I will show you how I use them sometime.”

Suddenly Viridian accidentally dropped a book as he passed Nikko. Nikko reached down to pick it up for him, but froze midway. I frowned at this weird gesture. I peeked over and saw the name of the book: Satanic Verses. Oh my god.

I NEEDED TO STOP THIS.

“Anyway!” I grabbed Nikko by the hand and began to pull him with me. Must escape embarrassing brothers and evade further damage! “We need to finish our work.”

“Wait!” Claret stood up. “Where are you going?”

“To a place where you won’t bother us!” I was already stomping up the stairs, dragging Nikko behind me. He looked deeply traumatised.

“Oh, this looks like a sign of rebellion.” I heard Saffron call out, “Are you eloping?”

“Shut up, Saffron! We’re going to my room!”

“Okay, make sure you come down for dinner when it’s ready,” Dad called.

“No! Wait, Cerise! Leave the door open! Cerise – ”

I slammed and locked the door before Claret could catch up to us.

Brothers.



“Hmph. With those four beasts you call brothers, your childhood must’ve been traumatic. No wonder you hate boys.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Anyway, let’s start this already.” I had led Nikko into my bedroom. We were sitting at my desk. I felt my shoulders slump. Why was my family so embarrassing? Why?! “What have I exactly missed?” Oh, be careful Cerise… Tread softly.

“A hell of a lot.” Nikko sighed as he ran his hand through his dark hair. “Honestly, I can’t believe you forgot about the meeting…”

I earnestly prayed to God he would not ask why.

“Do you have a phone?”

“Yes?” I frowned at his random question. Maybe my easygoing nature has been taking a toll on his mental health.

“Can I see it?”

Taking my phone out of my pocket, I held out my phone and showed him. “This?”

I just stared at him when he took out his phone and – oh my god.

“Are… are you sending yourself a message on my phone?!”

“Yeah. It’s one way of exchanging numbers.”

“You could’ve asked me!”

“It’s not like sending text messages are expensive.”

That’s not the point. I didn’t want to give him my number!

“Besides, if I asked you for your number, you’d probably give me a wrong number.”

Crap, I forgot he was sharp.

“Anyway, it’s for future reference. Don’t get excited now. Contact me only when you have to and not when you’re lonely.”

Believe me, I will.

Nikko scrunched his nose. “I hate pointless messages.”

Okay, I’ll keep that for future reference.

“Anyway, we’re definitely getting off track. Cerise, here are the notes you can copy for the fete. And here is the list of important dates for our school events. This here is the list of suppliers we need to confirm for the fete by Tuesday. Now I have you number, I can text you more details about our budget.”

I nodded and immediately began writing. The sooner I get this done, the sooner he could leave.

I heard a gentle knock on my door. I wondered who it was, but stopped myself from opening since I remembered how my family was like. I knew it was best to ignore it.

Nikko looked at me. I guess he wondered if he should open it instead. I frowned at him and he raised an eyebrow. I sighed. Was he that dense? Did he really want another replay of what happened with my brothers?

I guess not. Because Nikko finally got the hint and continued writing down notes.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

I tried to figure out who it was by the knock.

Claret: Definitely not with the continuous knocking. Claret was never patient. If I didn’t open the door straight away, he would just barge in, panicking why I couldn’t open the door immediately.

Azure: He has never been persistent. If I didn’t open the door, he’d figure I wasn’t in and leave.

Viridian: He wouldn’t bother to begin with. Sure he was passive aggressive, but he was more on the ‘passive’ side than the ‘aggressive’.

Saffron: He had no manners to knock in the first place.

The Bald Man: Probably not. He probably didn’t know which room was mine.

Crap.

I froze.

“Cerise, my lovely! Open up! It’s mother dearest!”

I felt my stomach drop. Of course! It had to be my mother! How did I forget?!

Nikko shrugged and got up.

“N-!”

Before I could even scream him not to, I heard the horrifying ‘click’. The door was unlocked and we were vulnerable. Shit.

When it came to boys, I don’t know who was worse – my mother or my brothers.

And lo and behold, my mother bursted in my room, swinging the door wide open. She had her arms held up in the air, and there she was, in all her eccentric glory. And that is a lot to take in. Especially if you have never met or seen my mother before.

“Cerise!” My mother exclaimed. Mum has never been the type to hesitate. And in this situation, she hesitated not. She beamed at Nikko, taking long strides with both arms reaching towards Nikko. She reminded me of those supernatural creatures in horror movies the way she made her way towards Nikko. “You must be Cerise’s boyfriend!”

Nooooooo!

Nikko blinked and took a couple of steps back. Before he could even respond, he was already enveloped into my mum’s overbearing hug. The scent of vanilla and sandalwood soy candles suffocated us.

“I wanted to meet you so badly!”

“I – ”

“Hush, dear.” Mum finally released Nikko from her death embrace. She took a step back and looked at Nikko, squeezing his shoulders. “You must been through a lot. Her brothers are quite humorous characters, are they not?”

Nikko just blinked, dumbfounded. Not really sure what to say or how to respond.

“But fret not, my dearest! I am definitely cheering for you two!”

“Actually mum – ”

“Say no more, Cerise.” Mum raised her hand and shook her head at me. “I already approve of this young, fine man. It’s okay.”

“You’re mistaken – ”

“This is no mistake.” Mum pursed her lips, and deeply sighed as she looked away into the distance. “Never say that. Love is never a mistake, no matter what others say.”

Mentally groaning, I took a sneaky glance at Nikko. He looked just as dumbfounded as I did. Great. Nothing was going through to my mother. Ugh!

“Okay, okay.” Mum laughed, surrendering her hands into the air. “I can read the atmosphere here.”

Can you really?

“You want me to leave, don’t you?”

YES. BUT NOT FOR THE SAME REASONS YOU THINK.

Mum made her way to the door. “Cerise, I do approve having relationships, and I trust you. But you are my daughter…”

I felt my stomach drop. Why do I have a bad feeling?

“And I only want the best for you,” Mum gave Nikko a sidelong glance, “Just… just be careful.”

Nikko and I stared at this woman. Our mouths still hanging open. What the heck was she going on about?!

“I know I had children young, and in no way would I ever say that it was a mistake. It’s just…”

Oh my god.

“You’re young. You’re curious. Of course you two would want to do that… It’s part of nature…”

Please. Stop.

“And no matter what I do or will say, I know that won’t stop you two, but… at least listen to me when I say this…”

I could feel my entire face heat up and a slight ringing in my ears. I pressed my hands onto my cheeks. OH MY GOD! THIS WOMAN! WHAT THE HELL IS SHE GOING ON ABOUT?! MUM! STOP!

Mum sighed, “Just be careful. Be safe.”

OH. MY. GOD.

With that, mum gently closed the door, not bothering to notice the amount of trauma she had inadvertently left behind.