Touched by Angels, Though I Fall out of Grace
I’m Fine
Gerard’s POV
Why does everyone keep asking if I’m okay? I’m fine, never better. Okay well maybe I’ve got a few problems but I’m dealing with them my own way, why doesn’t anyone get that? The day seemed to stretch on forever like normal, I think the school day should be shorter or non-existent but that’s not going to happen. The only good thing these days about school is that the jocks no longer beat me up, I don’t know how that happened but I can even make fun of them and they just walk away it’s no fun anymore. When the bell for last period rang I grabbed my things and then went to my car to wait for Mikey and Frank, these days they took longer and longer to get to the car, they didn’t have to run down the halls away from the jocks anymore either. You know I think it’s because of Aiden and Gabriel that they don’t touch us anymore, I have no idea why and I don’t really care as long as they stay away.
Mikey, Frank, Gabriel and Aiden walked towards me. Aiden’s eyes were on me the whole time I could tell she was watching me, she was always watching me but not in the way I wanted her too, not the way that I watched her. She’s the reason why I get up in the mornings she brightens my day, though these days it doesn’t get that bright and yet she dampens my day all at the same time. I see her and her extraordinary beauty consumes me and I remember back to the day I first saw her smile and knew that there was nothing else in this world that I wanted more and then I would remember how different we are how incompatible we are. When she looked at me it felt like she was looking for all the cracks in my mask, for all the little things that would tell her what was wrong. I knew that they knew some of what was going on they would be stupid not to, especially Mikey and I didn’t want him to know but the stench of alcohol was kind of hard to disguise and I do try and hide the scars but I think he’s seen them though it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done it. I’m just glad that they don’t know the worst of it. About three weeks ago I met this guy at a show he introduced me to some of his friends and other things that he called his ‘saviours’. They were good that’s all I can say, really good; they made me forget all my problems and I felt like I’m flying, I felt like I could do anything and like I could get anything I wanted, it’s the best feeling in the world.
When we got home I went straight up to my room, I couldn’t stand being around them all especially when they were all so happy and while Aiden was watching me so much. I put my Iron Maiden on and turned it up loud so I couldn’t hear their laughter downstairs, I grabbed my sketchbook and started to draw random things from my nightmares. The only side affect of the drugs was that I get the most horrible nightmares and I can’t wake up from them either it’s like I’m stuck in a cage. Everything I drew today seemed to come out wrong and after half an hour the floor was littered with crumpled bits of paper. There was a knock at my door, I pretended I didn’t hear it maybe they would go away I was wrong.
“Gerard” Aiden opened the door after I continued to give no response, I looked up at her as she came in and sat next to me on my bed. I turned the music down and then turned towards her
“Hi” is all I said though there was some other things I wanted to say but would never say to her
“Why are you doing it?” she asked but not in the way a normal person would, it wasn’t like she was asking what’s you problem? tell me it was more how can you do it? like she tried but couldn’t understand how anyone could feel this depressed that it would drive them to alcohol and drugs to help them, like she couldn’t imagine how it could help in anyway.
“There isn’t a simple explanation Aiden” I replied to her question, I didn’t know how to explain either of the two ways
“Why does the explanation have to be simple?” she asked, she seemed to have no idea about emotions or feelings, it was like she use to be a robot and then someone made her into a human, you know that would explain a few things. I stared at her confused for a few minutes she just sat there as still as stone her expression not changing, the funny thing was her expression wasn’t blank it was full of interest and curiosity.
“If the explanation is simple then it’s easier for people to understand” I explained, it was true the simpler the reason the more people who will understand.
“That’s idiotic people shouldn’t have to simplify and restrict their reasons just because close-minded people won’t understand” she said rather aggravated, I looked at her stunned and not because of her beauty. This was the most emotion she’s shown the whole time I’ve known her.
I was dumbfounded she made a good point people shouldn’t have to make their reasons simpler just so others will understand but that didn’t make me want to tell her.
“So why are you doing it?” she asked me again after about five minutes of silence
“I don’t know Aiden okay? I just don’t know” I threw my sketchbook to the ground and stood up
“Why not?” she stared at me calmly, she was so weird and that’s why Ilove like her.
“Because it’s complicated,” I shouted at her wondering what I should do
“It can’t be that complicated if you think you know the solution,” she said, I always thought she was smart but I guess she only knew facts and figures, not the workings of the human heart and mind. Or maybe she has never met anyone like me before, someone who’s so fucked up that he can’t talk to anyone and turns to drugs, alcohol and self-abuse to ease his pain. Don’t know why she has never met someone like me before because there are thousands no millions maybe even billions of people like me.
“I just can’t understand why someone like you would want to waste something this precious” she sound pained and then looked up at me, if I thought it was possible I could’ve sworn she was about to cry.
“Sometimes Aiden I swear you know absolutely nothing about anything” I responded and then grabbed my jacket and keys and stormed out of the house.
Of course she couldn’t understand, she has the perfect life with the perfect family, the perfect home and the perfect body. What hard ships would she have had to go through? What troubles would her family have had to deal with? What would she know about anything troublesome? Oh and what did she mean by ‘someone like you’ and ‘something this precious’ I wasn’t wasting anything and I was just like everyone else, wish I wasn’t, wish I was something else, something more something better like a vampire or something that would be cool. If I was a vampire I wouldn’t have to care about anything anymore, I could change into a bat and then fly away from this place. I wouldn’t care about sucking other people’s blood I wouldn’t care about anyone I’d live my life how I wanted and that would be forever. I would fly from country to country seeing everything I wanted, I could do whatever I wanted and I’d have the strength enough to lift a train over my head, nothing would stop me. Then again vampires aren’t real and that’s just a stupid fantasy that would never come true even in my most elaborate daydreams. Now it was time to forget my troubles and go and visit my ‘friends’.
Why does everyone keep asking if I’m okay? I’m fine, never better. Okay well maybe I’ve got a few problems but I’m dealing with them my own way, why doesn’t anyone get that? The day seemed to stretch on forever like normal, I think the school day should be shorter or non-existent but that’s not going to happen. The only good thing these days about school is that the jocks no longer beat me up, I don’t know how that happened but I can even make fun of them and they just walk away it’s no fun anymore. When the bell for last period rang I grabbed my things and then went to my car to wait for Mikey and Frank, these days they took longer and longer to get to the car, they didn’t have to run down the halls away from the jocks anymore either. You know I think it’s because of Aiden and Gabriel that they don’t touch us anymore, I have no idea why and I don’t really care as long as they stay away.
Mikey, Frank, Gabriel and Aiden walked towards me. Aiden’s eyes were on me the whole time I could tell she was watching me, she was always watching me but not in the way I wanted her too, not the way that I watched her. She’s the reason why I get up in the mornings she brightens my day, though these days it doesn’t get that bright and yet she dampens my day all at the same time. I see her and her extraordinary beauty consumes me and I remember back to the day I first saw her smile and knew that there was nothing else in this world that I wanted more and then I would remember how different we are how incompatible we are. When she looked at me it felt like she was looking for all the cracks in my mask, for all the little things that would tell her what was wrong. I knew that they knew some of what was going on they would be stupid not to, especially Mikey and I didn’t want him to know but the stench of alcohol was kind of hard to disguise and I do try and hide the scars but I think he’s seen them though it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done it. I’m just glad that they don’t know the worst of it. About three weeks ago I met this guy at a show he introduced me to some of his friends and other things that he called his ‘saviours’. They were good that’s all I can say, really good; they made me forget all my problems and I felt like I’m flying, I felt like I could do anything and like I could get anything I wanted, it’s the best feeling in the world.
When we got home I went straight up to my room, I couldn’t stand being around them all especially when they were all so happy and while Aiden was watching me so much. I put my Iron Maiden on and turned it up loud so I couldn’t hear their laughter downstairs, I grabbed my sketchbook and started to draw random things from my nightmares. The only side affect of the drugs was that I get the most horrible nightmares and I can’t wake up from them either it’s like I’m stuck in a cage. Everything I drew today seemed to come out wrong and after half an hour the floor was littered with crumpled bits of paper. There was a knock at my door, I pretended I didn’t hear it maybe they would go away I was wrong.
“Gerard” Aiden opened the door after I continued to give no response, I looked up at her as she came in and sat next to me on my bed. I turned the music down and then turned towards her
“Hi” is all I said though there was some other things I wanted to say but would never say to her
“Why are you doing it?” she asked but not in the way a normal person would, it wasn’t like she was asking what’s you problem? tell me it was more how can you do it? like she tried but couldn’t understand how anyone could feel this depressed that it would drive them to alcohol and drugs to help them, like she couldn’t imagine how it could help in anyway.
“There isn’t a simple explanation Aiden” I replied to her question, I didn’t know how to explain either of the two ways
“Why does the explanation have to be simple?” she asked, she seemed to have no idea about emotions or feelings, it was like she use to be a robot and then someone made her into a human, you know that would explain a few things. I stared at her confused for a few minutes she just sat there as still as stone her expression not changing, the funny thing was her expression wasn’t blank it was full of interest and curiosity.
“If the explanation is simple then it’s easier for people to understand” I explained, it was true the simpler the reason the more people who will understand.
“That’s idiotic people shouldn’t have to simplify and restrict their reasons just because close-minded people won’t understand” she said rather aggravated, I looked at her stunned and not because of her beauty. This was the most emotion she’s shown the whole time I’ve known her.
I was dumbfounded she made a good point people shouldn’t have to make their reasons simpler just so others will understand but that didn’t make me want to tell her.
“So why are you doing it?” she asked me again after about five minutes of silence
“I don’t know Aiden okay? I just don’t know” I threw my sketchbook to the ground and stood up
“Why not?” she stared at me calmly, she was so weird and that’s why Ilove like her.
“Because it’s complicated,” I shouted at her wondering what I should do
“It can’t be that complicated if you think you know the solution,” she said, I always thought she was smart but I guess she only knew facts and figures, not the workings of the human heart and mind. Or maybe she has never met anyone like me before, someone who’s so fucked up that he can’t talk to anyone and turns to drugs, alcohol and self-abuse to ease his pain. Don’t know why she has never met someone like me before because there are thousands no millions maybe even billions of people like me.
“I just can’t understand why someone like you would want to waste something this precious” she sound pained and then looked up at me, if I thought it was possible I could’ve sworn she was about to cry.
“Sometimes Aiden I swear you know absolutely nothing about anything” I responded and then grabbed my jacket and keys and stormed out of the house.
Of course she couldn’t understand, she has the perfect life with the perfect family, the perfect home and the perfect body. What hard ships would she have had to go through? What troubles would her family have had to deal with? What would she know about anything troublesome? Oh and what did she mean by ‘someone like you’ and ‘something this precious’ I wasn’t wasting anything and I was just like everyone else, wish I wasn’t, wish I was something else, something more something better like a vampire or something that would be cool. If I was a vampire I wouldn’t have to care about anything anymore, I could change into a bat and then fly away from this place. I wouldn’t care about sucking other people’s blood I wouldn’t care about anyone I’d live my life how I wanted and that would be forever. I would fly from country to country seeing everything I wanted, I could do whatever I wanted and I’d have the strength enough to lift a train over my head, nothing would stop me. Then again vampires aren’t real and that’s just a stupid fantasy that would never come true even in my most elaborate daydreams. Now it was time to forget my troubles and go and visit my ‘friends’.
♠ ♠ ♠
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