Touched by Angels, Though I Fall out of Grace
Forever Isn’t What It Always Seems
Aiden’s POV
I don’t know how he can do it, how can he waste something so precious? I would give anything to be able to actually live to know there is an end instead of living one life time after another. It was only 50 years after I had been a vampire that I found out that my whole family was dead and gone. When I left them I had no idea what was going on I didn’t know that I was never going to see my mother or my little brother ever again, when I went back to my village in France I thought they would still be there. When I found out they were dead and that 50 years had past there was something in me that fell to pieces, my whole family that I loved and that loved me were dead and I was alone doomed to live a meaningless life of killing others.
I sat on Gerard’s bed thinking all these things over I haven’t thought about them in so long, especially since I was so scared that Gabriel would ask why I was feeling so sad. At the moment I didn’t care if he could feel what I was feeling, I was so angry with Gerard for acting like that and I knew where he was and what he was doing, what else did I have to do with my nights? It was 2 in the morning before Gerard arrived home and I was still sitting in his room, I got up and moved towards the corner of his room so he wouldn’t see me and shout or scream. He was pretty good at getting up the stairs without making too much noise and also with getting home in one piece I don’t know why he drinks and drives what does he want to do? Kill himself? Actually I don’t want to know the answer to that because it will only aggravate me more. He got into his room and then shut the door he didn’t even bother to turn the lights on he just threw his jacket and keys on the ground, kicked off his shoes and then fell into bed.
He lay in his bed mumbling incoherent things they didn’t make sense in the least. Then he started sobbing, he was crying and then he started to make sense
“I’m so stupid, why? Why the hell do I do this to myself? So fucking stupid” I moved to the other side of his bed, I couldn’t smell alcohol on him he hadn’t been drinking, which was abnormal. He started to hit the mattress around him; I grabbed one of his wrists as I sat on his bed with him
“What the fuck?” he said and then his head snapped around to look at me, he may not have been drinking but he had been taking drugs again. On the arm I was holding I could feel raised skin from where he self harmed; this was one of the reasons I couldn’t be around him. He always smelt like fresh blood not something I was the best with, he smeltgood bad enough he didn’t have to bring it out in the open.
“Aiden?” he looked up at me properly his eyes softening
“Yes Gerard it’s me” I replied
“What are you doing here?” he asked as I let him go, he turned over and leaned against the wall
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully I really didn’t know why I was still here, it was a first for me normally I knew exactly why I did everything. He just sat there and looked at me
“I still want to understand Gerard” I explained, I did I wanted to know what could possible drive him to do these things
“So do I Aiden but I can’t, I just feel so worthless and like my life has no meaning” he explained he had no idea what it’s like to have a life that really is meaningless
“Gerard you are not worthless and your life is full of meaning you can do so much with it, it’s not like you have forever.” I said now sitting on my knees, why did he feel he was worthless? He was nowhere near worthless, I’ve seen worthless, I’ve tasted worthless and he isn’t it.
“Sometimes I wish I did” he mumbled tears streaming down his face
“Forever isn’t what it always seems” I told him he wouldn’t get what that meant and anyway it was a well-known saying
“But I don’t want to die” he sobbed looking up at me now, I know how he feels as much as I want to have a normal life with an ending I would be afraid of what came next, I’m actually more afraid if I died now because of all the innocent lives I’ve taken.
“No one wants to really die Gerard and they’re not really scared of dying so much as they’re scared of what happens when they die, it really comes down to being scared of the unknown” I told him, I’ve had a lot of time to think about this and the conclusion is really simple, we all hate not knowing something and dying is the biggest unknown because there is no way of knowing what really happens. He stared at me stunned, he always seemed to stare at me stunned most the time it was because of my beauty, which annoyed me and other times it was because of what I had said.
“Thanks Aiden” he said quietly smiling at me and then wiping some of his tears away
“It’s okay Gerard” I smiled at him, it was the second time I’ve smiled around him and the second time I’ve truly smiled in the past few months.
Gerard’s hand lifted and he placed it on the side of my face, it was so warm and felt so nice. I tilted my head into his hand more, I was feeling… I’m not sure really I’m sure Gabriel could’ve told me but I’ve never felt like this before. I closed my eyes for a second and tried to lose myself in the moment, this feeling felt so good I didn’t want it to end. I felt his other hand push my hair behind my ear I opened my eyes to see his, there wasn’t any pain in them anymore; there wasn’t any confusion either. He lowered his head and then his lips met mine, they tasted so sweet and they were so warm and soft. I kissed him back without thinking and the next thing I know I’m lying under him with his arms around my waist and mine around his neck. I pushed him off me with no effort and then went straight to his door
“I’m sorry Gerard I can’t” I said trying not to let any emotion show but for once it was hard, I opened his door and went back to my house I was in my room three second later.
Why did I kiss him back? Why did I like it so much? Why did I skip a few seconds or minutes? I was so confused I have never had to deal something like this before; everything had been simpler when we didn’t have friends. Now, now Gabriel is practically in love with Mikey which could cause some problems, Gerard just kissed me and I kissed him back and a lot of the time I find myself wondering if he’s okay when I don’t need to and Frank is just a little confused kid who thinks he’s in love with me too.
Sometimes things are easier when you’re on your own, or with your own kind at least they know who you really are. Well most of it anyway the things that are important, not stupid little things like my human name which doesn’t matter anymore, Gabriel knows it but no one else, it’s not important it’s who I use to be but I’m not the same anymore. I could tell that Gabriel wasn’t home or else he would’ve been in here asking what happened though I’m sure he’ll be asking what happened when he gets back, he was just across the hall. Actually at the moment I didn’t feel like being around people or vampires, I needed to get away from everyone and I also needed to go hunting, I couldn’t wait for this weekend when Gabriel and I had to go and visit our ‘grandmother’ as we told Mikey and Frank. I told Elizabeth what I was doing and then I grabbed the keys to my beloved Lamborghini and I drove towards one of our old houses and the place where we hunted now. It was on the edge of Orange County and Passaic County practically the only free and wild land around this part of America. It took about four or five hours to get there but it was always worth it.
I don’t know how he can do it, how can he waste something so precious? I would give anything to be able to actually live to know there is an end instead of living one life time after another. It was only 50 years after I had been a vampire that I found out that my whole family was dead and gone. When I left them I had no idea what was going on I didn’t know that I was never going to see my mother or my little brother ever again, when I went back to my village in France I thought they would still be there. When I found out they were dead and that 50 years had past there was something in me that fell to pieces, my whole family that I loved and that loved me were dead and I was alone doomed to live a meaningless life of killing others.
I sat on Gerard’s bed thinking all these things over I haven’t thought about them in so long, especially since I was so scared that Gabriel would ask why I was feeling so sad. At the moment I didn’t care if he could feel what I was feeling, I was so angry with Gerard for acting like that and I knew where he was and what he was doing, what else did I have to do with my nights? It was 2 in the morning before Gerard arrived home and I was still sitting in his room, I got up and moved towards the corner of his room so he wouldn’t see me and shout or scream. He was pretty good at getting up the stairs without making too much noise and also with getting home in one piece I don’t know why he drinks and drives what does he want to do? Kill himself? Actually I don’t want to know the answer to that because it will only aggravate me more. He got into his room and then shut the door he didn’t even bother to turn the lights on he just threw his jacket and keys on the ground, kicked off his shoes and then fell into bed.
He lay in his bed mumbling incoherent things they didn’t make sense in the least. Then he started sobbing, he was crying and then he started to make sense
“I’m so stupid, why? Why the hell do I do this to myself? So fucking stupid” I moved to the other side of his bed, I couldn’t smell alcohol on him he hadn’t been drinking, which was abnormal. He started to hit the mattress around him; I grabbed one of his wrists as I sat on his bed with him
“What the fuck?” he said and then his head snapped around to look at me, he may not have been drinking but he had been taking drugs again. On the arm I was holding I could feel raised skin from where he self harmed; this was one of the reasons I couldn’t be around him. He always smelt like fresh blood not something I was the best with, he smeltgood bad enough he didn’t have to bring it out in the open.
“Aiden?” he looked up at me properly his eyes softening
“Yes Gerard it’s me” I replied
“What are you doing here?” he asked as I let him go, he turned over and leaned against the wall
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully I really didn’t know why I was still here, it was a first for me normally I knew exactly why I did everything. He just sat there and looked at me
“I still want to understand Gerard” I explained, I did I wanted to know what could possible drive him to do these things
“So do I Aiden but I can’t, I just feel so worthless and like my life has no meaning” he explained he had no idea what it’s like to have a life that really is meaningless
“Gerard you are not worthless and your life is full of meaning you can do so much with it, it’s not like you have forever.” I said now sitting on my knees, why did he feel he was worthless? He was nowhere near worthless, I’ve seen worthless, I’ve tasted worthless and he isn’t it.
“Sometimes I wish I did” he mumbled tears streaming down his face
“Forever isn’t what it always seems” I told him he wouldn’t get what that meant and anyway it was a well-known saying
“But I don’t want to die” he sobbed looking up at me now, I know how he feels as much as I want to have a normal life with an ending I would be afraid of what came next, I’m actually more afraid if I died now because of all the innocent lives I’ve taken.
“No one wants to really die Gerard and they’re not really scared of dying so much as they’re scared of what happens when they die, it really comes down to being scared of the unknown” I told him, I’ve had a lot of time to think about this and the conclusion is really simple, we all hate not knowing something and dying is the biggest unknown because there is no way of knowing what really happens. He stared at me stunned, he always seemed to stare at me stunned most the time it was because of my beauty, which annoyed me and other times it was because of what I had said.
“Thanks Aiden” he said quietly smiling at me and then wiping some of his tears away
“It’s okay Gerard” I smiled at him, it was the second time I’ve smiled around him and the second time I’ve truly smiled in the past few months.
Gerard’s hand lifted and he placed it on the side of my face, it was so warm and felt so nice. I tilted my head into his hand more, I was feeling… I’m not sure really I’m sure Gabriel could’ve told me but I’ve never felt like this before. I closed my eyes for a second and tried to lose myself in the moment, this feeling felt so good I didn’t want it to end. I felt his other hand push my hair behind my ear I opened my eyes to see his, there wasn’t any pain in them anymore; there wasn’t any confusion either. He lowered his head and then his lips met mine, they tasted so sweet and they were so warm and soft. I kissed him back without thinking and the next thing I know I’m lying under him with his arms around my waist and mine around his neck. I pushed him off me with no effort and then went straight to his door
“I’m sorry Gerard I can’t” I said trying not to let any emotion show but for once it was hard, I opened his door and went back to my house I was in my room three second later.
Why did I kiss him back? Why did I like it so much? Why did I skip a few seconds or minutes? I was so confused I have never had to deal something like this before; everything had been simpler when we didn’t have friends. Now, now Gabriel is practically in love with Mikey which could cause some problems, Gerard just kissed me and I kissed him back and a lot of the time I find myself wondering if he’s okay when I don’t need to and Frank is just a little confused kid who thinks he’s in love with me too.
Sometimes things are easier when you’re on your own, or with your own kind at least they know who you really are. Well most of it anyway the things that are important, not stupid little things like my human name which doesn’t matter anymore, Gabriel knows it but no one else, it’s not important it’s who I use to be but I’m not the same anymore. I could tell that Gabriel wasn’t home or else he would’ve been in here asking what happened though I’m sure he’ll be asking what happened when he gets back, he was just across the hall. Actually at the moment I didn’t feel like being around people or vampires, I needed to get away from everyone and I also needed to go hunting, I couldn’t wait for this weekend when Gabriel and I had to go and visit our ‘grandmother’ as we told Mikey and Frank. I told Elizabeth what I was doing and then I grabbed the keys to my beloved Lamborghini and I drove towards one of our old houses and the place where we hunted now. It was on the edge of Orange County and Passaic County practically the only free and wild land around this part of America. It took about four or five hours to get there but it was always worth it.