I Know You Are, But What Am I?

She said lay back I’m tired enough as it is
Stay sharp when she turns me away
And how do we get so far
From the way we used to be
Well I would rather bite my tongue
Cause it’s all been said and done and honestly
Words are just too weak
When my heart starts skipping beats
And my eyes are watering
You’ll see it says everything

Saturday, May 2nd, 2010.

I woke up freezing. I was tangled in my sheets and I could feel the sweat all over my face and soaking my clothes. I didn’t care about that, though. I cared about getting a drink. My mouth was dry and my tongue was rough as I tried to get some moisture in my mouth. It didn’t work.
I stumbled out of my bunk, shivering at the loss of my blanket. I quickly grabbed it from my bunk, wrapping it around myself as I almost fell down the stairs.
I sat down in front of the mini fridge in the kitchen area and fumbled around for a bottle of whatever. I struggled removing the cap, spilling half the contents all over myself. I put the bottle against my lips and downed the majority of it in one go.
I was so consumed with getting the water out of the bottle and into my body that I didn’t hear or see Josh kneeling down next to me. When I did, I was too tired for it to scare me. I had slept for at least twelve hours and I felt like I hadn’t even had an hour of sleep. My body ached everywhere.
“Josh, I’m sick,” I croaked out of my still dry throat before erupting in a cough fit.
He simply nodded and helped me up, supporting me as we walked back up the stairs to the bunk area.
“But what about all the stuff I have to do today? I have interviews and everything like that, don’t I?” I managed weakly.
“Don’t worry about any of that, Kassi will take care of it all, you just rest,” Josh said softly as he pulled more blankets up around me.
I felt around in my bunk until I found my phone, remembering that Tony, Jaime and I had all made plans to hang out. I quickly scrolled through my contacts, finding Jaime’s name quite easily as he had entered himself as “IT’S EL DRAGON, BITCH” and typed him a short message letting him know I wouldn’t be able to hang because I was sick.
I heard my phone go off multiple times, but it seemed like too much effort to open my eyes to see what was going on. My head tipped to the side as I drifted off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

Mike’s POV

I ran out to the living area on our bus as I heard Jaime scream a string of curse words after a loud crash.
I walked out to see all the saucepans that we never used lying on the floor at Jaime’s feet.
“Dude, what the fuck are you doing?” I laughed.
His brow furrowed as he turned around to look at my face. “Cooking.”
To say I was confused as to why Jaime was cooking was an understatement. We never cooked. It was obvious by the fast food wrappers piled in our small bin. “Why?!”
“Because AJ is sick and I wanted to make some soup for her. So I went out and bought some soup in this can thing. But it says you have to heat this shit up. I didn’t know that! I thought you could just pour it out into a bowl and that was it. Mike, what do I do?”
He was rambling. He often did that. Not just when he was excited or nervous. It was just very “Jaime” thing that he did. But the look on his face told me he was really freaking out over this. Maybe AJ was really sick.
Serves her right, stupid bitch.
I wanted to think that, but I couldn’t. my heart throbbed in my chest and I pushed it back down, plastering a smirk onto my face.
“Ah ha. What did she catch, eh?” I tried to laugh at her expense.
“I don’t know. Probably something from you,” Jaime mumbled as he picked the pans up off of the floor.
My smirk fell and I took a decent sized plastic container from, picked the can of soup up of the counter, emptying it’s contents into the container. I put it in the microwave then pulled a bowl that was only ever used for cereal out of the cupboard and turned around back to Jaime while I waited for the soup to finish heating.
Jaime was staring at me with his mouth wide open.
“What are you looking at me like that for?!” I asked. He kept staring at me. “Dude, quit it, you’re making me nervous.”
He finally snapped out of it when the timer went off on the microwave. I poured the soup into the bowl and handed it to Jaime.
“Wow, Mike, I didn’t know you could cook,” Jaime managed through giggles. A grown man giggling. Somehow, Jaime pulled it off.
“It’s not cooking, it’s heating soup up. Not exactly fucking rocket science, homes,” I grumbled as I walked back towards the back room.
Jaime’s phone started ringing and he mumbled sweet nothings down the receiver. Talking to Maddie, no doubt.
“Yo Mike. Can you do me a hugeeeeee favour? Come on man, I would owe you big time.”
I turned to face him, narrowing my eyes. “What?”
“Take this soup over to AJ?”
I sighed. Could I bare going anywhere near her again? Fine, she was probably sleeping anyway.
“Fine. Tell Maddie she owes me, too,” I complained as I took the soup and walked off the bus.
It took quite some time to find the AP bus. Just as I got there, I saw AJ’s friend with the crazy blonde and orange hair stepping off the bus. Shit, what was her name…
I remembered just before she rounded the bus, completely out of sight. “Kassi!” I shouted. She whipped her head around when she heard my voice. Her mouth made a small ‘o’ shape with her mouth once she realised who it was.
“Uhhh, hi,” she mumbled as she fidgeted with her hands.
“Oh, ahh, Jaime made some soup for AJ. Could you give it to her?” I said while thrusting the bowl into her hands.
She pushed it back slightly. “Uhm, sorry, Mike, but I actually have tons to do today since AJ is sick and I’m already super late. I will just let you on the bus.”
I wasn’t sure, but I could have sworn I heard a hint of triumph in her voice. I dismissed it as soon as the thought occurred to me.
“Uhh, sure, I guess,” I said as she unlocked the bus for me.
I walked up the stairs with the soup in my hands, unsure of what to do. Kassi had disappeared as soon as she had opened the door, so I didn’t know where to put the soup.
The bowl almost went flying from hands as I hit my knee on one of the tables poles.
“Shit fuck cock goddamn.”
I heard lazy footsteps coming down the stairs and a voice following them. “Kassi, what the fuck did you do?! You woke me up.”
“Uhh, it’s Mike, not Kassi.”
“Oh.” Her mouth made the same shape that Kassi’s had when AJ reached the bottom of the stairs. “Mike. What are you doing here, Mike?”
I tried to remember why I was there. I started shuffling my feet, thinking that would help me to remember faster. “Soup,” I mumbled pathetically, holding the bowl up as if to reinforce my point.
She looked down at my hands, clearly confused. “Right, of course.”
“AJ, you don’t look too good, maybe you should lie down…” I said as I took a few steps toward her, placing a hand on her shoulder.
She looked deathly pale and her hair was up in a messy bun. She was wearing penguin pyjama bottoms and a Handguns For Hearts tank top. She even looked beautiful when she was sick.
I could feel her skin burning up under my palm, but she was shivering. I took the hoodie I was wearing off and wrapped it around her small frame. I was an idiot for wearing a hoodie on Warped, but there was a surprising cold wind outside. She pushed her arms into the jacket and smiled appreciatively.
“Come on, you need to rest,” I said as I put an arm around her shoulders, turning her back the way she had come. She was so weak that I supported most of her weight to the bottom of the stairs. I handed her the bowl of soup. “Here, hold this.”
I lifted her up bridal style and carried her up the narrow stairs and into a room at the back of the bus.
“You can leave, you know,” she mumbled as soon as I had set her down on the lounge.
“I, uhh, I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone right now, AJ,” I couldn’t bring myself to do it, even if I tried.
“Well, if you are staying, could you at least put a dvd on?”
I walked over to the small pile of dvds that was sitting by the xbox next to the tv. I picked out a random Harry Potter dvd and turned everything on. I thought I heard AJ chuckle, but it was probably just my imagination. I walked towards the door again.
“Mike? I thought you were staying?” If I hadn’t known better, I would have said there was a worrying undertone to her voice.
I smiled. “You need a spoon for your soup. And you’re still shivering and I’m sure you wouldn’t mind a blanket or two.”
“Oh, okay.”
I quickly grabbed a spoon, bottle of water, pillow and two blankets and practically ran back to AJ. I put the pillow behind her and took the soup off of her until I put one of the blankets over her and then handed her the soup and the spoon. “Eat, now.”
I tried to be intimidating, but my soft smile gave me away.
I was unsure what to do after that, but AJ grabbed my hand and pulled me down next her.
She looked like she was debating something.
“Why are you always such a dick to me?” I wasn’t exactly shocked. I knew the question would come one day.
“Why are you always such a bitch to me?”
She hung her head in defeat. There was some sort of sadness in her eyes. Wishful thinking on my part, I’m sure. “Fair enough,” she mumbled as she snuggled into my side and started paying attention to the movie.
I put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to me.
In no time at all, she was finished with her soup. She looked as if she was preparing herself to move to put the bowl somewhere. I chuckled softly and took the bowl out of her hands, placing it next to me on the lounge. Once she was free of it, she snuggled closer, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“Chicken soup is my favourite,” AJ mumbled sleepily.
“You can thank Jaime, he went to the store. Poor boy had no idea how to heat it up, though, so I had to step in.”
“That’s so… Jaime,” she said as she laughed. I laughed along with her.
This is what I wanted. This thing we had here. It was so easy to be around her. And so enjoyable. Sex complicated things, obviously.
I was thinking over all of this when I heard AJ almost moan my name. I laughed again. “What was that?”
I looked down when I received no response and realised that she was sound asleep.
Was she dreaming about me? Did she just moan my name in her sleep?!
I couldn’t handle this. She didn’t want me, she had made that clear from the start. She thought I was a good fuck, but that is about it.
I wanted something more with her. She was different to anyone I had met. I dreamt about us too, but at least I wanted something real with her. She just wanted a few good nights.
I couldn’t handle it. So I left.
I made sure she was okay, but I left.
I ran off her bus, lighting a cigarette with shaky hands as soon as I got out.