I Know You Are, But What Am I?

How do we always get so close
To resolution and just give up?
Suddenly, I realized what you've done
And it gets a little harder to say it
Don't let your habits take control
Because eventually they take their toll
But you have to understand
You can't just swing where you choose
Not everyone is willing to forgive you
Please get a hold of yourself before I have to
Walk away for good.

Saturday, May 16th, 2010.

I packed the last of the Enter Shikari shirts into the box they had there and collapsed into one of their chairs. In my downtime, James, the merch bitch for Enter Shikari, often pressured me into helping him out. I had been spending so much time at their merch booth that I was practically working anyway.
It was the end of the day. Finally. Warped took a lot out of you, no matter where you worked. From the bands that played everyday to the photographers and journos like myself that tagged along, everyone was tired. Yet somehow, we were always in good spirits. It was that sense of eternal summer and fun that kept everyone smiling.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Chris and Rory walk into the tent from the back and went to stand to greet them. I didn't get the chance to though, since Chris threw himself on top of me.
"Why the fuck do you always do that?!" My voice was lost in the fabric of Chris' shirt.
Rory and James couldn't help but laugh.
"Aww, love, you know you like it," he said with a wink as he lifted himself off of me.
I knew he meant it only as a joke, but the comment sent butterflies off in my stomach.
Now let me make one thing clear.

In no way was I ever attracted to Chris. We had a friends only relationship. The feelings were mutual.

But it had been so long that anyone had even been slightly flirtatious with me. Without being disgusting, that is.
Rumours about Mike and I had died down within a day or two of them starting, but it was still common knowledge on the tour that I was a cheap whore. And I say that in the most sarcastic sense possible.
Now, the only people that looked at me with any sexual interest were sleazy guys in crappy bands that thought I was easy. I received no respect from anyone. I suppose I deserved everything I got. I did sleep with the biggest player on Warped and expected to get away with no consequences.
The more I thought about it, the more I realised how much I should have regretted it. Somehow, I still couldn't. Sleeping with Mike was still not a mistake in my eyes, no matter how much respect I lost from almost everyone on the tour.
I let out a deep sigh as I thought how much I would like to just go on a date with a regular guy. Unfortunately, I was stuck in my own world and didn't see the look of pity I was receiving from Chris.
Chris and I had become quite close since Warped had started. He was so easy to talk to that I practically forgot I was telling him my secrets that I kept fairly guarded with other people. It probably wasn't a good thing. But with Chris, unlike so many others, I knew I could trust him to not tell a soul.
He crouched down so that we were eye level and looked me directly in the eyes.
"AJ, do we need to talk?" He asked as if he were a parent, raising his eyebrows as if he knew exactly what was going on in my mind.
"I'm fine," I said as I smiled.
As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. James dropped the box of merch he was carrying and Rory's jaw dropped. All three men turned to look at me with shocked expressions.
"Okay guys, please don't all die of shock at once. Wait your turn."
"Now I know something is definitely wrong," Chris muttered as he shook his head and began to pace.
"What? Why?"
"Whenever girls smile and say that they are fine, they are anything but fine."
"What? No way, not me at least," I laughed as I avoided all eye contact with him. "That shit is just in movies and books. It's not actually real."
"Well, something is wrong," James mumbled as he walked away from the tent with a box of merchandise.
Rory looked awkwardly between Chris and I. If there was a poster boy for awkward, Rory would be it. As long as he hasn't had any alcohol, that is.
Rory would mumble his way through conversations and never look someone in the eye, but give that boy just one beer, and he would treat you as if you had known each other for years.
"Uhh... I think I told Rou... I would... Uh..." Rory tried to think up an excuse. "I told Rou I would clean the toilet!" He suddenly blurted and then ungracefully shuffled out of the tent, almost falling over a number of times.
Chris sat on the table and stared at me. I began to fidget with my hands and thought of a million different places I would have rather been at that time. At the bottom of a very active a volcano at the top of my list.
"AJ..."
At the bottom of the ocean with thousands of giant, hungry piranhas...
"AJ." His voice was getting sterner the longer I wouldn't look at him.
In a gross swamp with man-eating alligators...
"AJ, look at me. Now."
In Mike's bed... Oh.
"ANA-JANE, YOU LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW!"
Chris' voice snapped me out of the fantasy that was beginning to play out in my head.
"What is going on?" His voice and tone softened as my eyes met his.
What was going on? I certainly had no idea. I slept with the biggest player on the tour and he told everyone and made stuff up about the whole ordeal and I didn't regret it. At all. Not even one bit.
Why didn't I regret it? It could put my job in jeopardy. Tom had heard all of the dirty details, no doubt. Not much of what happened on Warped managed to stay on Warped. I was learning that fairly quickly as we moved to a new city everyday and I still received fresh mocking glares from different people everyday.
If I had lost my job, would I regret it then? No.
Suddenly, the answer came to me. Why didn't I regret sleeping with Mike? Because I had feelings for him.
Oh dear god, please no.
Once the thought occurred to me, I knew it to be true.
I was falling for Mike Fuentes. Dirty, filthy, whorish, disease ridden Mike Fuentes.
This was bad.
Chris was snapping his fingers in front of my face, in turn, snapping me out of my mini epiphany.
"I'm worried about you, love. Tell me what is wrong, I can fix it for you."
"Uhm. Well. I think I have feelings for Mike."
"Oh."
"Yeah" was all I could manage as I looked into Chris' eyes.
"Uhhh. I don't think I can fix that," Chris' brow furrowed as he pulled the other chair over, sitting in it so he could face me. "Why do you think that? And like, serious feelings?"
"Yeah. Serious. And I have no idea. I mean, I love that band and I have always had a little crush thing for him. And then I met him. And then we slept together and well..." My cheeks flushed red as I thought about what I was going to say. "Well, he's really good in be-"
"NOT NECESSARY!"
"Sorry. But it's true. And you know when I was sick a couple of weeks ago? Well, Mike came over and brought me soup and watched Harry Potter with me and took care of me. I want that Mike. He makes and effort sometimes."
I bit my lip to hold back tears. I had no idea why I was almost crying over him. I mean, it was just Mike.
But it wasn't just Mike. He was kind. And he did make an effort. A lot. And I always pushed him away.
"Look, maybe you-"
I didn't get you find out what I may have been because just as he began, Jerry from Of Mice & Men interrupted him.
"Yo AJ! What's up?"
"Not much, Gerald. How about you?" I laughed easily, relieved to be free of the tense conversation with Chris.
Jerry and I had talked at parties and had sometimes sat together for lunch, but we didn't exactly roll with the same crowds. While I stuck mostly to the AP crew and Enter Shikari, he hung out with the likes of Jonny Craig and the Suicide Silence guys. The two didn't seem to mix too often. But Josh was friends with a few of those guys so I always said hi whenever we were all hanging out.
At the last party we were all at, Jerry had downed a few too many drinks and smoked one too many joints and was talking to me all night about how much he hated the fact that his parents had named him Gerald. He had kept me laughing all night, though I doubted he even remembered it.
"I regret telling you that, I really really do," he tried to keep his tone serious, but his large grin let me know that he was seemingly okay with it.
"You told me, now suffer the consequences," I laughed along with him as I stood to greet him properly. I meant to fist bump or high five or bow or something. But instead, he pulled me into a hug and ruffled my hair slightly.
I hugged him back and smiled at the small show of affection.
"What are doing around these parts dude? Your tent is over by the porta-potties."
"That was once! We've been nowhere near it since!" He playfully punched my arm. "I actually came over here to see if you wanted to go out tonight?"
"Like to a bar?"
"Well, I was thinking maybe we could go out to dinner or something? You know, like a date."
It caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting anyone to ask me out on a date. I had just discovered my feelings for Mike and now I was being asked on a date by a completely different guy. One I was pretty sure was friends with Mike.
But on the other hand, Jerry had been nothing but nice to me. He was kind, he made me laugh and he wasn't too bad looking. And wasn't I just thinking about how badly I wanted to be asked out on a regular date.
I looked towards his hopeful face.
"Alright, what time? Oh but the AP bus is heading out at like 10:30 so keep that in mind," I smiled.
His smile was so huge that it made me happy I had said yes.
"I will come by your bus at like 8?" He asked animatedly.
"Sounds good to me. I will see you then."
"Alright, it's a date!" He laughed as he pulled me into another hug and placed a light kiss on my cheek before strolling away, off behind the tents.
I turned around to see Chris looking at me with his eyebrow raised, questions plastered all over his face.
"Don't."
"I wasn't going to!" He laughed as he slung an arm around my shoulder.
Just as I was starting to relax and even get a little excited about the date, I glanced behind me, only to see Mike, glowering from a booth about four tents away.
Good mood ruined.