Still Beat

The question was out of my mouth before I really knew what I was saying.

The man began to walk away, his footsteps softer this time, like they lacked destination. I watched as the darkness became emptier with every step that he took, until I found my feet on the ground and my body off the bench.

"Wait," I yelled to him, "Where are you going?"

He turned around and simply shrugged his shoulders, a smile playing on his lips.

"Who knows?" he replied, then turned on his heels and began walking again.

"Wait!" I called out again, though I was beginning to confuse myself with my antics. "How can you get anywhere if you don't know where your going?"

"Why, you just keep going, my dear."

As he said this, he rounded the corner of the street, disappearing behind an old corner store.

Slowly, with my mind still reeling, I turned and headed in the opposite direction. I kept my head down and my arms wrapped against my chest as I quickly navigated the streets, gradually picking up speed. This time, I had a destination.

It was no home, but it was a place that I felt welcome at, and I felt bad for what I was about to do.

Darrell was a sweet guy. The type of guy who loved girls; all kinds of girls, and lots of them. Still, he was a shy and insecure boy. He loved people who loved him, so he did a lot to make that love happen. He was your basic go-to guy. If you needed a favor, you could always ask Darrell. You knew he would try his best to make it happen for you, because he needed your affection in return.

I was counting on him not being home when I got there, and sure enough, I was right. His sister answered the door, her hair disheveled and eyes half closed.

"Yeah?" she asked, impatience seeping into her voice. She had obviously just been sleeping, and I didn't feel bad for waking her up.

"I need something of Darrell's. He told me to just come in and pick it up."

"Yeah, whatever," she replied, leaving me standing at the door.

I let myself in, wishing I could slam the door to annoy his sister. I controlled myself, however, and headed to his room.

When I got there, I headed straight for the bed, pushing past dirty clothes and papers to get underneath it. I searched until I found a Nike shoebox, shaking it for good measure. I had seen Darrell place a handful of wadded bills into this box before, when I had stayed with him for a night. I remember him winking with a sly smile, as if he was confiding in me.

I didn't deserve his trust.

I quickly stuck my hand into the box, and pulled out a wad of dollar bills. Without counting them, I shoved them in my pocket and began searching for a pen and a piece of paper. When I found them, I scribbled "IOU BIG" on it, completing it with a small heart, but I didn't leave a name. Either he would figure out who I was by what his sister told him, or he would have no idea it was me. He might not even find out.

I was hoping for the third one, but I didn't care either way.

I headed swiftly out of the apartment and back out on to the streets. My stomach felt as it was twisting into itself, and I tried to breath, repeating in my mind that it had to be done. I had to take the money. If I didn't have money, I couldn't get out of here.

"In and out," I told myself. "This isn't your fault. This is what you had to do."

I kept my mantra going as I got closer and closer to the bus station, where they had a waiting room that was open all night. I knew that the next bus wouldn't leave until morning, but it felt good that I had gotten what I wanted. I felt giddy as I slid into one of the cushioned waiting room seats, letting myself sink deep into the pleather.

It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I pushed any other worries that I might have had out of my mind to enjoy my temporary peace.

I had the money I needed, even if it wasn't much. A little over a hundred dollars, after I counted it all. I also had a place to stay, even if it was a dingy bus station.

And the best feeling of them all, my biggest relief, was that after all these years, I was finally getting out of Dayvale.