Status: Completed
Letter To A Ghost
Chapter one
Dear Liam,
I’m sorry I never answered the phone when we were six. Back then, I didn’t understand the whole ‘boy likes girl’ thing. To be honest I’m still not very good at it. Besides, what would a guy like you want with a girl like me? You were so cool and I was just average. I guess you realized that later on though, when you stopped talking to me in grade three, but you still came to my birthday parties and said ‘good morning’ when I came in the school gate.
Do you remember the time when I was chasing you after school when our parents were talking, and you dropped your bag? I tripped over it and my face skidded between a brick wall and a concrete ground. You apologized so many times, but it was just an accident. I don’t think I’ll be able to forget your kind, rushed words.
I’m sorry that I didn’t want to hug you that one day. It was weird, you know? All of a sudden I realized that we’d never broken the physical barrier and it scared me a little. You never had a problem like that though. I remember how you and Julia were dancing at a school disco we had in grade five. I’ll admit, I was a little jealous, but I can see why you liked her over me. She had the looks, the parents, the house. I was just the smart girl. You were the troubled boy, though I never knew how troubled.
Do you remember that day at the swimming pool? I was there with my best friend and her family, but you happened to be there. You didn’t know I couldn’t swim. You pushed my head underwater as a joke, and I took a deep breath in. The chemicals in the water burnt when they came back up. You asked me to hit you, so you wouldn’t feel so bad. I said no, it was an accident, and you shouldn’t feel bad. I’ll always remember how concern washed over your face.
I’m sorry that we lost contact when I left school. I said we’d stay in touch, but I guess I just got busy trying to fit in with my ‘new life’ and all. Plus I kind of thought I’d be better once you were out of my system, you know, the ‘first crush’ thing. I didn’t think you’d care. I hoped that you’d forget me. But when I added you online after five years of not talking, you were happy to hear from me. I was so relieved to talk to you again.
Do you remember when we said we’d make plans to catch up, but neither of us could ever make the time? We both always had other things to go to. I said I didn’t mind when you couldn’t make it. Honestly, I didn’t really. It just would have been nice to see your face again. I’m not sure I ever felt all that disappointed over a boy before.
I’m sorry I was so scared to open up to you. A part of me thought you’d never really like who I am. You surprised me. You embraced who I was. You let me be me. You didn’t even laugh when I admitted I had had a crush on you. I told you things I couldn’t tell anyone else, you helped me out. I wish I could have helped you out. You were my rock, yet we never gave each other our new phone numbers. I guess you might have thought I wouldn’t answer. I promise I would have this time.
Do you remember the night when I told you everything? And you just said it’d all be okay. I just needed to ignore all the bullshit things going on and keep living because I was a great person. You said I’d go somewhere. I thanked you, and you said I didn’t need to thank you for the truth. You made me feel like I had a purpose, a reason to be here. I only wish that I could have convinced you of the same.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed someone. I would have done anything to help you. Hell, I would have taken a thousand buses and a million trains to come to you. You weren’t that far away anyway, and I wasn’t ever really all that busy. I wish you would have just showed some signs, or I wish that I had seen them. I guess I never really asked, anyway. I didn’t know I could. I didn’t realize you were in that kind of trouble. I knew school was never good for you, but I didn’t know it was that bad.
I know this letter is too little too late however leaving all of these things inside would have destroyed me. I just wish I knew why you did it. Why you felt it was your only choice. Why you couldn’t escape everything some other way. I guess that’s a question I’ll be asking for the rest of my life. Why.
You’re gone now. I hope you found your happiness where you are now. I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder when you were here. I never told you how much you meant to me. I almost did once. I guess nothing hurts us as much as the words we don’t say. I think we both proved that.
Love always
Valery
I’m sorry I never answered the phone when we were six. Back then, I didn’t understand the whole ‘boy likes girl’ thing. To be honest I’m still not very good at it. Besides, what would a guy like you want with a girl like me? You were so cool and I was just average. I guess you realized that later on though, when you stopped talking to me in grade three, but you still came to my birthday parties and said ‘good morning’ when I came in the school gate.
Do you remember the time when I was chasing you after school when our parents were talking, and you dropped your bag? I tripped over it and my face skidded between a brick wall and a concrete ground. You apologized so many times, but it was just an accident. I don’t think I’ll be able to forget your kind, rushed words.
I’m sorry that I didn’t want to hug you that one day. It was weird, you know? All of a sudden I realized that we’d never broken the physical barrier and it scared me a little. You never had a problem like that though. I remember how you and Julia were dancing at a school disco we had in grade five. I’ll admit, I was a little jealous, but I can see why you liked her over me. She had the looks, the parents, the house. I was just the smart girl. You were the troubled boy, though I never knew how troubled.
Do you remember that day at the swimming pool? I was there with my best friend and her family, but you happened to be there. You didn’t know I couldn’t swim. You pushed my head underwater as a joke, and I took a deep breath in. The chemicals in the water burnt when they came back up. You asked me to hit you, so you wouldn’t feel so bad. I said no, it was an accident, and you shouldn’t feel bad. I’ll always remember how concern washed over your face.
I’m sorry that we lost contact when I left school. I said we’d stay in touch, but I guess I just got busy trying to fit in with my ‘new life’ and all. Plus I kind of thought I’d be better once you were out of my system, you know, the ‘first crush’ thing. I didn’t think you’d care. I hoped that you’d forget me. But when I added you online after five years of not talking, you were happy to hear from me. I was so relieved to talk to you again.
Do you remember when we said we’d make plans to catch up, but neither of us could ever make the time? We both always had other things to go to. I said I didn’t mind when you couldn’t make it. Honestly, I didn’t really. It just would have been nice to see your face again. I’m not sure I ever felt all that disappointed over a boy before.
I’m sorry I was so scared to open up to you. A part of me thought you’d never really like who I am. You surprised me. You embraced who I was. You let me be me. You didn’t even laugh when I admitted I had had a crush on you. I told you things I couldn’t tell anyone else, you helped me out. I wish I could have helped you out. You were my rock, yet we never gave each other our new phone numbers. I guess you might have thought I wouldn’t answer. I promise I would have this time.
Do you remember the night when I told you everything? And you just said it’d all be okay. I just needed to ignore all the bullshit things going on and keep living because I was a great person. You said I’d go somewhere. I thanked you, and you said I didn’t need to thank you for the truth. You made me feel like I had a purpose, a reason to be here. I only wish that I could have convinced you of the same.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed someone. I would have done anything to help you. Hell, I would have taken a thousand buses and a million trains to come to you. You weren’t that far away anyway, and I wasn’t ever really all that busy. I wish you would have just showed some signs, or I wish that I had seen them. I guess I never really asked, anyway. I didn’t know I could. I didn’t realize you were in that kind of trouble. I knew school was never good for you, but I didn’t know it was that bad.
I know this letter is too little too late however leaving all of these things inside would have destroyed me. I just wish I knew why you did it. Why you felt it was your only choice. Why you couldn’t escape everything some other way. I guess that’s a question I’ll be asking for the rest of my life. Why.
You’re gone now. I hope you found your happiness where you are now. I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder when you were here. I never told you how much you meant to me. I almost did once. I guess nothing hurts us as much as the words we don’t say. I think we both proved that.
Love always
Valery