We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

All night I’d been psyching myself up, trying to ready myself for whatever shit was going to go on while the guys were performing tonight. Everyone, Jimmy in particular, had made it very clear that I wouldn’t be staying back at the bus alone. He’d even taken it upon himself to carry me there, ‘just in case’ I decided to try anything to get back to the bus. And he had even gone as far as telling me that he’d be ‘watching me’ the entire time.

For the last hour or so, I’d been lying on the couch in the main room of backstage, face down into the ratty cushion. I did not want to be there at that moment, at all.

I’d heard the members of Wretched Remorse’s voices a few times, but to my luck they hadn't noticed me lying there yet. I was not ready to face any of this, and it was as if I couldn’t psych myself up for this. I would just have to deal with whatever happens accordingly.

Then, I heard Noah's unmistakable high-pitched voice, squealing about how he hadn't seen me all night. I knew then that there was no way I could possibly get out of facing them, and more importantly, Evan. It was going to happen.

Hoping that they would just leave me alone, I pretended to be asleep as I had last night. Either Noah didn't notice or he just didn't care, because only several seconds later, I felt an enormous weight crash almost directly on top of my body. I let out a groan as I opened my eyes, staring up at Noah warily. Once he saw them open, he began kissing my cheeks hurriedly. "Oh, Patey! Didn't we have so much fun last night?! I missed you so much! You should have texted me, bitch!"

As usual he was talking a mile a minute, and I could only understand the gist of what he was saying. "I uh—I missed you too, Noah. Could you... could you get off of me, please?" I said, my words clipped as I was finding it hard to breathe. Not only that, but he was sweaty and slightly smelly. They'd only just gotten off stage, and it was obvious he hadn't showered yet.

Instantly, Noah was lifted off of me and my lungs immediately expanded. I relished my new ability to breathe while I watched Brett literally toss Noah to the side, where he just laid on the cold cement floor with a pout. "Again, sorry about Noah. He's still got an adrenaline rush from onstage. They loved us tonight," He said this with a large grin, and I knew he was proud of how well the crowd had responded tonight.

"That's awesome," I said, smiling too. I was happy that they were doing well on the tour, as I was almost completely happy they were on it. If it weren't for a certain confusing person, I would have done next to anything to keep them on it. "I should watch you guys sometime."

"You should bitch! I still can't believe you haven't yet!" Noah yelled abruptly, his voice echoing off the walls alarmingly. I was thankful the guys had taken the stage a few moments ago or not only would they have seen me with them, but they would have heard, too.

Oliver quietly sat next to me, giving me a slight smile. He really didn’t talk much, but it wasn’t awkward or tense with him. From what I could gather, he was just shy, and as Brett had previously mentioned, a wallflower. I looked at Noah, who had finally managed to haul himself up off the floor, for a long moment. “This is only your second show. And last time I didn’t know who you guys even were.” I tried to reason, but he just shook his head as he once again plunked himself down on the floor.

“No excuses!” He practically yelled, looking the other way. Although I’d only known him for a few days, I knew he was just messing around so I left him there, and took a quick, heated glance further down the sofa.

Evan was there, but he didn’t look like he was completely unhappy, he looked almost surprised to see me there, talking with them. What did he think, that after last night I was just going to ignore them? Sure, I had been momentarily considering it, but still... it was his fault in the first place.

I also found myself happy to see him too... but I wasn’t going to dwell on that for too long. I was just considering myself fortunate that he wasn’t bitching me out.

Somehow, Brett managed squeeze his giant self in between Oliver and I, and Noah still looked more than happy where he was on the floor. Even with two people in between us, I still felt uncomfortable because I knew that Evan was there, just a few feet away from me. For a moment, I felt like I had to tell him about all of my confusing feelings for him.

“Yo! Get your shit ready and out the fucking door!” And unfamiliar voice yelled, making me jump.

All four members of Wretched Remorse sighed, and Brett followed it up with a long groan. “Well, come on. You heard the assholes. Let’s get our equipment out to the van.” His words seemed forced, as if had trouble even talking about it.

Everyone but Evan stood, and Brett raised a questioning eyebrow toward him. “You just gonna sit there you lazy shit?” He asked after another moment of silence passed. All that could be heard was the impact of Jimmy’s bass drums and parts of Syn’s and Zacky’s guitars.

“What?” Evan asked accusingly, pointing at himself. “At the last show I put it all away myself and I had no help, so I think I deserve a break.”

Brett only snorted in response and walked away with Noah and Oliver close behind him, leaving Evan and I alone. The silence wasn’t as comfortable as it was between Oliver and I, and I found myself inching closer and closer the other end of the couch, and subsequently further away from Evan.

Finally, after another few minutes of tense silence, he ran a hand down his face and sighed. “So are—are,” He started then paused, trying to find a topic for conversation. “Are you enjoying the tour so far?”

Like his last question, this caught me off guard. But I was determined to answer this at least a little coherently, so I sat up straight and finally met his gaze. It did not hold the same accusing, harsh glint it had the night before, he honestly still looked surprised to see me, and interested in my answer. I had to make this good; I wasn’t going to make a complete ditz out of myself again.

“Yeah,” I replied. “But uh—I really didn’t come for the shows, though. I just—”

I cut myself off before I could say anymore than I already had. I was sharing way too much information, I was about to tell Evan something that I’d refused to even tell Matt.

Evan, the guy whose mood swings were like a slap in the face, the guy who had all but ignored me ninety percent of the time, and when he acknowledged me, he was usually cocky to the point where I felt nauseous. There was, in reality, absolutely no reason to tell him what I was about to. But still, his stare wasn’t judgmental and for once he seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. At that moment, I felt like I could tell him anything.

“I just, I just like being close to my family. They help me take my mind off of things.” I finally admitted, slightly breathless. I felt better just sharing that, and even better when his stare did not falter. And admittedly, I was almost tempted to tell him more.

“That’s—”

“Eeeugh!” Someone grunted loudly across from behind the sofa, cutting Evan off from whatever he was about to say, and we both looked in the direction of where the sound came from.

Clinging almost pathetically to a halfstack, Noah looked like he was going to have a heart attack trying to haul it out. From the looks of it, he’d only made it a few feet. Once he saw us staring, he pouted and gave Evan his best puppy dog eyes. “Help me please, Ev?” He asked, sounding like he was about to bawl his eyes out.

Letting out a groan, Evan dragged himself up off the sofa and made his way over to Noah, looking down at the poor kid then to the halfstack. “Noah, you scrawny little shit. You managed to haul this last night!” He said as he picked up one end while Noah took the other. I took note that Noah was barely even holding onto it, and from the looks of the tendons in Evan’s arms, he was taking the brute of the weight.

I could not get over how easily Evan seemed to lift that, but I wouldn’t let myself dwell on something so superficial for any longer than I already had and quickly looked away, twining my hands together in my lap.

Moments later, they disappeared through the backstage door and came back shortly after. Hesitantly, Evan made his way over to me. “Well, I’d better go help or else the A7X roadies are gonna get pissy ‘cause ‘our shit’s gonna get in the way’,” He said, rolling his eyes and using quotation marks, but a soft, lop-sided smile graced his features. “But I’ll see you later, ‘kay?”

My heart began beating a little faster as he said that. He sounded like he didn’t want to leave, and he actually wanted to see and maybe even talk to me later? This kid surprised me as much as I apparently seemed to do to him. “Alright,” I said, trying to play it off coolly. I was once again determined not to mess up as badly as I had last night. “C’ya later.”

Much later that night, I was doing my schoolwork in the front of the bus, where the guys were playing video games. Or at least, I was supposed to be doing my schoolwork. I liked to have some background noise when I worked, and the guys almost getting into fights over who one were more than sufficient enough. But for the past half an hour, all I’d been doing was staring blankly at the screen of my laptop, a math sheet half completed staring back at me.

I still couldn’t get that kid off of my mind. What was so special about him? When he wasn’t busy ignoring me and was actually nice, I’d caught a glimpse of what a nice, understanding guy he could have been under the surface. But why did he put up that tough exterior. It was as if he were two different people.

That sounded so familiar...

“Mini, what the fuck have you been doing for the past hour?!” Jimmy demanded from beside me, and before I could react he snatched my laptop away from me. “Look, you barely even touched this shit; you’ve just been staring off into space. So tell your uncle Jim-Jim what the fuck is up!”

After he nearly threw my laptop to the side, he turned so he was facing me and took both of my hands in his. “Come on,” He began in a high pitched voice. “Is it about a boy?!”

Instantly, I began blushing. He’d hit the nail right on the head, and I knew if I didn’t get out of there soon, he make me spill everything. “Ohmygod!” He gasped when he took notice of my rosy cheeks. “It is, it is!”

At the start of the tour he’d promised that I could think of him as one of the girls, that I could talk to him about all the girly things Matt refused to. Until then, he hadn’t thought of it after and I was cussing myself out for being so fucking obvious.

Quickly, I wrenched my hands out of his grip and stood, wanting to get back to the bunks as quickly as possible. “And where the fuck do you think you’re going?!” He yelled, curling his arms around my waist before I could move so much as an inch. He pulled me down on his lap and held me there. “Oh shit, guys! Patey’s got a crush!”

That quickly caught the guys’ attention, especially Matt’s, and they paused their video game to stare back at us questioningly. “Jimmy,” I hissed, straining to keep a smile on my face as I tried to pry his hands off of my waist. “Let me go! I don’t have a fucking crush!”

“You do too!” He continued, standing up and slinging me around every which way until he was doing something he’d done to Johnny countless times, to me. I gasped as my back collided with his, and each of his arms managed to hold me lengthways as he began jostling me around. “Now fucking spill or this is gonna get a lot worse!”

The rest of the guys must have been really interested, because they made no move to stop Jimmy from assaulting me. “Ow, ow, Jimmy!” I managed to laugh, while on the inside I was nearly shitting myself. This was not good. What was I supposed to tell him? I may have gotten better at lying over the past few months, but I just couldn’t randomly pull shit out of my ass, especially to Jimmy.

“Okay, okay!” I finally broke down when he showed no sign of letting me down. “Let me down and I’ll tell you!”

My heart was racing as he gingerly set me back on the sofa, staring down at me expectantly. I’d talked to Evan tonight and it didn’t go over as badly as I thought it would, so maybe this wouldn’t, either? “I don’t have a crush on anyone. I was just hanging out with some people tonight...”

“Who?” Matt demanded, now looking slightly worried. I did not take that as a good sign.
“The uh... the opening band.” I shut my eyes and waited for what would surely be Matt’s shit storm, but after several moments of silence, I opened them to see Matt hadn’t moved an inch after what I’d said and he’d dropped his amused smile. That was definitely not a good sign, either...

I groaned as soon as I saw his face and got up, not wanting to get into this with him. Wretched Remorse really weren’t as bad as everyone though they were. Maybe Noah was a little crazy, but still... that didn’t give anyone the right to judge them so quickly.

“Payton,” Matt called, his voice muddled with authority. “Don’t walk away from me! We’re going to talk about this, now get back here.”

Of course, my rebellious side began to get the best of me after he said that and ignored him, walking back toward the bunks. Just as I’d expecting, not even two seconds later he was pulling me back. I huffed as I turned around to stare at him in agitation. “What’s there to talk about, Matt? I do need some friends besides you guys on this tour, you know.”

“They’re bad news.” He stated simply, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t think you should hang out with them anymore.”

“They’re harmless!” I defended, mimicking him as I wrapped my arms around myself.
“I don’t care,” He cut me off before I could say anything else, "They're bad news, Payton,” He said, stressing each word as if it would knock some sense into me.

At this point I knew I wasn’t going to get anywhere with him. He was judging the band too quickly, I knew there was at least a little good in Wretched Remorse. “Whatever,” I finally muttered, huffing again as my eyes scanned over the worried looking guys and the irritated Matt before I turned and started back to the bunks again. “I’m—I’m going to sleep.”

One thing I knew for sure, I wasn’t going to stop hanging out with Evan and the guys just because Matt thought they were ‘bad news’. From the looks of it they were going to be my only friends on this tour, and they’d practically welcomed me with open arms. I found that Evan wasn’t even that bad, either.

There was no way I was going to stop seeing them.