We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

There was really only one thing I could do. It was obvious I couldn’t sort my thoughts out on my own, even if things were normal couldn’t. I needed help.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Dannii. It’s—it’s Payton,” I sniffed, attempting to hold back a small cry. “I... I fucked up.”

Admitting even that was exhausting for me, and my hand shook as I ran it through my hair. Things were not going well. I’d been in the bus, alone, for about an hour. Matt’s words were only then beginning to sink in. “Payton? My god, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” Dannii called frantically, and I then felt bad for phoning her in the first place. I didn’t want to worry her.

What could I say to start this off? I hadn’t mentioned to her that’d I’d been keeping all of this and then some from Matt. “I kept... I kept everything from Matt. And he just found out about it.”
“Why? What did you keep from him? P, you’re not making much sense. You sound like hell. Just slow down, we’ve got all night.” Or at least until Matt got back.

“I—I don’t even know why anymore, Dannii. First it was just one little white lie about hanging out with Wretched Remorse, and then I found myself lying constantly, about everything.”

Pouring my heart out to Dannii may have been just what I needed, but I was still excessively confused. I wasn’t explaining the entire picture to Dannii, that’d I been keeping things from Matt for months, not just the last few weeks, but I couldn’t bring myself to even think about those things right then.

The things, my problems, in the present were enough to make me break down crying, anyway. I wanted to save the rest for later. Dannii let out a long sigh after I finished. “Patey, hun, why do you do this to yourself? Why are you so scared of talking to him?”

Why was I so scared to talk to him? Sure, I could go with the ‘he wouldn’t understand’ thing. But again, that was about the problems I had in the present. The things from the past, on the other hand...

“I mean, really Payton. After the whole Tyler thing,” I involuntarily flinched at the mentioning of such a painful name, it brought of the very things from the past I wasn’t trying not to think about. “I thought you would have learned that talking to Matt about things can do you good, not bad.”

“I’m sorry.” I choked, leaning back into my pillow. My bunk had become my safe heaven these past few weeks, equivalent to what my room was to me back home in Huntington Beach.

“No,” Dannii said sharply, startling me a little. “You have nothing to be sorry for. If trusting Matt with your thoughts and feelings is hard for you, it’s not your fault. Stuff like that is never your fault, Payton.”

Another hiccup got stuck in my throat. “Well—what am I supposed to do, what am I supposed to say, then?” Still I had no clue what I was going to say to him. It would break his heart if he learned that after all this time, that he thought I was okay, that I really hadn’t been and I didn’t even trust him?

Why couldn’t I ever think of this when I should have been, when I actually had a chance to ask this, to talk about this, with Matt? I always chose when it was too late. After a long, thoughtful pause, Dannii began speaking. “Alright... okay, here’s what you’re going to tell him—”

Then, just my luck of course, I heard the bus door swing open and the loud voices of the guys calling out to me. Letting out a small gasp, I hurriedly told Dannii I had to go and hung up, instantly feeling bad but I reasoned with myself. I had no choice but to, because if Matt came back and saw me chatting on the phone with a friend, he’d think I wasn’t taking the situation as seriously as I should have been.

Hurriedly, I wiped away the remainder of my tears and got out of the bunk, heading toward the front of the bus as slowly as I possibly could. I was once again shocked to see that even Jimmy was taking this seriously, sitting at one of the small sofas with everyone else. I had to stop my hands from trembling again as I held back even more tears. They didn’t even know a tenth of what I’d been keeping from them.

First, as I thought they would, they gave me the third degree as a whole. I could not meet Matt’s eyes the entire time, and I knew that probably irked him but I just couldn’t help it. I’d let him, and everyone else, down.

“Why were you with them?” Zacky was the first to break the silence, and he scrutinized my appearance as he did so, more than likely trying to figure out if I was lying.

“Because—they’re fun to hang out with,” My voice may have been hoarse, but that still didn’t not hinder my ability to include sarcastic undertones. “What do you think, they’re selling me crack or something?”

At this, Matt gave me a hard look, but I chose to ignore him for the time being. It was only when he started yelling that I had to shut myself up.

“Well what were you doing with them?” Johnny demanded, his voice louder than Zacky’s.

“They’re fun to hang out with!” I repeated, this time much more defensively. I wanted them to look at the bigger picture, not just the immediate one.

Matt’s head, even though I’d repeated the exact same thing, snapped up at this. “Okay, then. So what were you doing with that kid, alone?”

It was comical what happened next, but I refused to acknowledge how alike, and consequently how overprotective, they all were. Each of their head’s snapped up, and Jimmy’s eyes widened and he let out a melodramatic gasp. “You were... you were alone... with a boy?!”

I was surprised Matt hadn’t told them about that already, as I was sure my being alone with Evan was pretty much the only reason he hauled me away from him. Letting out a groan, I once again ran my hand through my hair, my shoulders tense with stress. They had no idea what I was going through. Couldn’t they just stop and ask some real questions for once? Ones that mattered... to me?

“It was no big deal,” I forced myself to say. “There were literally hundreds of people around, guys.”

Brian instantly began protesting, backing up everyone else just as I thought he would. I expected no less from him. “Anything can go down at shows, Peanut. You should know that by now.”

Was he referring to when they hauled me onstage by surprise? Then yes, I knew what he was talking about. But that wasn’t exactly bad. And from what I could gather and with every bit of confidence I had left, Evan wasn’t bad. “It wasn’t like that.” I pressed. “We were just talking. That’s it.”

“How do I know whether or not I should believe you?” Matt asked, and as he said this my heart squeezed in anguish. In not trusting him, I lost all of the trust he’d put in me.

Averting my gaze, I refused to look at any of them. I knew for sure then, I’d really fucked up this time around. I didn’t have anything to say to that, either. Partly because I couldn’t think of anything good enough and partly because I knew that it more than likely wouldn’t matter to him.

With a sigh after several moments of my silence, he stood and began making his way toward the bus. I stared emotionlessly back at the guys, my eyes glazed over slightly. I knew Matt wanted me to follow him, but this was the part I was dreading the most. The part where we talked... alone.

This time around, there wouldn’t be any lines that weren’t allowed to be crossed. I knew Matt was more than likely going to lay it all out on the table for me. And if I didn’t respond like just then, he would let it would all stew inside of me because I was going to be forced to think about all the things I’d refused to over the past few months, and then I would have a meltdown. Was that really what he wanted?

He was sitting on the edge of his bunk, staring at mine straight across from his. Just like he’d been expecting, I got into mine, but I laid down and smashed my face into a pillow. I just wanted this night to be over. “Payton,” Matt’s voice was sharp, much more accusing than it had been when we’d been with the guys. “I didn’t bring you back here so you could sleep. Now sit up and look at me.”

After a few minutes, I managed to build up enough courage and sat up, staring directly at him but not really concentrating, partly zoning out. But his words still managed to pierce me with the same effect as they normally would. “What were you thinking?” He asked, taking a deep breath. I took that as a sign that he was going to continue.

“Why do you feel like you can’t tell me anything?” My ears pricked as he said this, and then I really looked at him. I could have sworn he had tears in the corners of his eyes. “I always try to talk to you because I love you, not because I’m some overbearing control freak. I know how much these talks can benefit you if you participate. I know how much they help you sort your thoughts out.”

“I’m sorry—”

“No, no Payton. I’m not finished yet. You’re hurting yourself by keeping all of this in, Patey. Please. Just talk to me.”

I felt every ounce of his pain as he said this, and I hoped he could do the same with me. I hoped he understood... I hoped he understood why exactly I couldn’t.

Spill. Just spill everything. Every single little thing I’d kept from him, ever, just tell him. I was hurting him and myself. The things that I wouldn’t even let myself think about. Would it all be easier, then? Or would it make everything that much more complicated?

No... I really did. I wanted to talk until my voice gave out.

Instead, it felt as if I could barely breathe, like my lungs were collapsing, shrivelling up at the thought about every unmentioned thing. “I’m sorry,” I repeated, not being able to even think straight. “I don’t know what—I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” That seemed to be all I could say, but at least I meant it.

Although I knew it was silly, I wished I could talk freely about every single one of my thoughts and feelings; for it to be just as easy as it seemed to be for others. Evan had been helping me do that, he’d been slowly cracking my shell and learning small things about me, which was more than Matt managed to do these past few months. Now I didn’t know what I’d do without him.

Seeing that although his speech had affecting me, I was ready to really open up, he let out a sigh that was heavy with emotion. It was obvious he’d been vainly hoping that I would talk to him, and he was thinking then that he should have known better. I hated how I made him think that. I just continued to let him down.

Over and over again.

“My decision still remains the same. You’re not allowed to see that band anymore.” He stood, and walked away without another word.

Only when he was long gone did I finally let my tears fall. I cried silently, not wanting the guys to come back and have more questions sprung on me, for quite a while. I cried for everything, for the things I wanted so desperately to tell him and the things that I felt like I could never tell him.

My phone, still on the edge of my bed, startled me when it vibrated, letting me know that I had a new text message. Hesitantly, I looked at it. It was from Dannii.

Since you so rudely hung up on me, I’ll send you a text. Don’t tell Matt all the things you’ve been keeping from him, tell him why it feels like you can’t. See what happens.

Closing my eyes, I held them tightly together after I read her text at least five times. Why hadn’t I thought of doing this, of saying this when I actually had a chance, when Matt was right there with me? He’d even asked me why himself, and I’d pretty much ignored his question.

Too late. I was always too late.