We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

An entire week passed. Every single day passed by, each one blurring into one another just as they had a year ago when Matt and I were in out last big fight. Although I absolutely hated myself for it, I followed Matt’s stupid rule the entire time and stayed away from the boys. If I was hurting Matt as much as I thought I was by not opening up to him, then maybe doing this one thing for him would hopefully help him regain some of his confidence in me.

That, of course, was a hard thing to accomplish. They boys practically followed our bus to the shows, so avoiding them was not easy... at all. I either did not go to the shows at all, making excuses to the guys like I had to catch up on my homework, when in reality I was two weeks ahead. They knew the real reason why, though, but thankfully Matt didn’t force me to go as I thought he would have.

The other, slightly more dangerous one, I joined the crowd when Avenged was playing. That had only happened once at the past five shows, but only a few people had recognized me; however they’d been nice about it. I was lucky no one made too much of a fuss about it, though, because the guys were not aware of my being down there. They would probably lock me in the bus for the rest of the tour if they found out.

It seemed, though, that nothing could please Matt. I was doing what he asked, but I could tell he hated how withdrawn I was being around him again. I felt better in one sense, regardless of how he felt, because even though he’d found out about just one of the things I’d been keeping from him, a small weight had been lifted off of my shoulders since then.

Too bad it was replaced with an even heavier one... but imagine what it would feel like if I let everything out...

Again, I was in my bunk. I couldn’t remember the last time I had a normal conversation with Matt or the guys, as I stayed in my bunk pretty much all day and night. They knew to give me some space, but I was guessing Jimmy thought different today because he literally pranced to the back of the bunks where I was. I stared at him, smiling slightly but tears still stung my eyes, as he babbled on about how I should go to their show that night.

Finally, he stopped short when he finally noticed me, tears blurring my vision. I knew I must have looked like I shit to him. Through the past week, he had been the only one who was acting even remotely normal around me, as if things had been as they always were. Then, though, when he saw me pretty much in pieces of myself, he could no longer ignore it.

After taking just one more look at me, he scooped up into his arms and laid back down on my bunk, situating me so I was in his arms and his long, lanky legs stretched out over the edge of my bunk and into the tiny ‘hallway’.

“Jesus, Mini,” He said, as I buried my head into his chest. “I fucking hate seeing you cry.” At that, I quieted down and sighed into his shirt. I’d grown so used to Jimmy that I didn’t even mind crying on him, and I wasn’t like that with anyone else.

“I don’t know anymore, Uncle Jimmy,” I sniffed, letting out a shaky sigh. “It just—it feels like I’m stuck.” I hadn’t had a moment like this with Jimmy in a while, and I forgot how much just spending time with him helped me feel better, especially when he knew something was up.

But what I was saying was true. I couldn’t talk to Matt, and I wasn’t allowed to hang out with the boys or Evan, who had been helping me more than I could have ever thought possible. I really was stuck.

Staring down at me with his ever-knowing, big blue eyes, Jimmy refused to break eye contact with me. “You’re not; you’re just making yourself think you are. Patey, I know you can’t talk to Matt, but it’s only because you won’t let yourself. And that’s okay,” He paused, and I smiled then. He always knew exactly what to say to help me feel better. It was okay. “So you can’t talk to him... out loud. Lots of people have trouble with that. Maybe you could talk to him through some other form of communication?”

Out in the main part of the bus, the guys were unaware of the moment Jimmy and I were having, and how much it was potentially helping me. “Yo, c’mon Jimmy! We’re late for sound check!” Syn shouted, but it looked as if Jimmy were practically ignoring him as he stared down at me, waiting for me to answer.

As much as I may have wanted to, I didn’t completely understand what Jimmy was trying to say. It sounded like such an amazing idea... something that could help me and make everything better. Nonetheless, Jimmy gave me a hopefully smile. “Just think about it Mini. Let me know if you wanna talk again. I’m all ears.” He said, finally letting out his usual laugh and making the situation a little more light-hearted.

He gave me one last hug, squeezing me until I thought my ribs were going to break, before he got up and left, hollering at the guys to shut the fuck up. Then, just a few seconds later, Matt came back to check on me. Unlike Jimmy, I hated him seeing me cry. I refused to let him show how much I’d not only felt bad for hurting him, but I was also hurting myself. I wiped my eyes, but with how much I’d been crying, it was pretty obvious that there was still at least a little evidence of it left.

Frowning, he stared down at me through his aviators. I couldn’t see what his eyes were holding. “I don’t think you should stay here by yourself tonight,” He said, almost as if hinting toward something. What, was he afraid I was going to do something ‘stupid’?

That just showed how much he didn’t understand, how much he didn’t know me anymore. I sent a glare up at him, not caring what emotions he may have been trying to portray through his eyes. “I’ll be fine, Matt. Just go to the fucking show already.” I snapped.

“I don’t like that attitude, Payton,” He said, his jaw clenched. I rolled my eyes. “I’m just looking out for you.”

“Yeah, well I’m not a child Matt. I don’t need to be constantly looked after.” I said, fed up with everything, and I got up from my bunk, making a bee-line around him and heading out to the main part of the bus.

In a matter of seconds he was following me, just as I was hoping he wouldn’t. “Yo, where the fuck are you going?” He demanded, cutting in front of me to block me from the bus door. I refused to look up at him.

I was doing exactly what Jimmy had told me to do, I was going to think. And I couldn’t do that even if Matt wasn’t on the bus with me. I needed to go to a place that was neutral territory, where there were no bad memories attached to it. Also, I refused to give into another one of Matt’s orders. It felt like I was my old self again by not listening to him.

The next thing he did was completely unexpected. He took his sunglasses off, looked at me with glassy eyes, and brought me into a hug. I wondered if he was aware of the guys watching us just a few feet away. “I love you kid, be careful out there. Try to avoid the fans.”

“I love you too,” I said after I pulled away and turned around from him, my voice cracking. At least that was still true, I owed him that much. “And I’m going for a walk.” I added since I hadn’t told him, but then I realized he already knew what I was up to when he told me to be careful.

A7X were about to do sound check and it was only about one in the afternoon, so there weren’t many fans around at all. To me, it was the perfect opportunity to go for a walk. That didn’t stop my teeth from chattering when I stepped out into the cold, mid-winter Kansas air, though.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get very far. It was much too cold to walk for anymore than a few minutes, and I ended up resting against a wall, trying to catch my breath as it seemed to freeze in my lungs. I felt exhausted as I closed my eyes, enjoying the quiet, but not in the physical sense. I just wished I could sort out just one of my stupid fucking thoughts, but it seemed as if I could barely even breathe correctly anymore.

For the life of me, I couldn’t’ figure out what Jimmy meant. Why did he always have to be so damn vague? Sure, that was what made Jimmy, Jimmy, and everyone loved him for it because sometime he could surprise you and be blunt about it. But then was not a good time for someone to be mysterious with me. I needed to know cold, hard facts, and someone to be straight to the point with me.

I couldn’t help wondering, what would mom say if she saw me like this, closing myself off from almost everyone? Would she be disappointed, or would she understand me as she always had? Sure, if it were two years ago she would have understood me perfectly, but my circumstances had changed. Not only did I think she wouldn’t get me, but it just wasn’t possible anymore. Mom was gone. There was no use wondering how she could help me anymore.

Consequently, that brought even more tears to my eyes just thinking about her. I let out several shaky breaths, wondering why I did this to myself at the worst of times. My mother was not the one I should have been thinking about. I should have been worrying about the present, and I what I was going to do to help patch things up with Matt.

One thing was on my mind as I stood up, I wanted to go back to the bus and distract myself; maybe do some more schoolwork or even go to sleep, and wait until the guys got back. I was planning on making one more attempt at talking to Matt, and if that didn’t work out I would try and decipher Jimmy’s words of wisdom even further. But one thing was for sure, I couldn’t continue like this. I had to at least try to fix things.

Of course, nothing could go just as I planned, and there had to be obstacles. This was just the cherry on top of the cake. Someone seemed to appear in front of me out of nowhere and walk intimidating close to me, while I back up until I was against the wall again. No, not this again. I couldn’t deal with getting beaten up or actually beating someone else up. This person, though, was definitely not who I had been expecting. Oliver stood there, looking much more intimidating than usual as he glared down at me. I was sure then, I had no idea what this was about.

Mouth agape, I stared up at him with a look of shock. What the hell happened to the quiet wallflower I thought I knew him as. He looked like a ball of fucking rage, waiting to be unleashed onto one poor, unfortunate person. And today, it looked like it was going to be me. “What the fuck is going on with you?” He yelled, his harsh tone breaking the quiet, peaceful air of the pretty much vacated venue.

“I—I don’t know—what you’re talking about,” I stuttered, looking down at the very small gap that was between us.

“Bullshit,” He spat, seeming to get more upset by my answer and he placed a hand next to each side of my head on the wall, encasing me in his grasp. When I didn’t say anything, he punched the wall beside me, making me gasp and close my eyes. I never, ever wanted to be on Oliver’s bad side again after witnessing this... if I even got out of it.

“Evan is my best fucking friend, Payton,” He said, his voice not lowering even a notch. “And he cares for you, do you understand what that means? That is very hard for him to do. And when the chick he fucking lets his heart go to leaves him, I get fucking pissed!”

With my eyes still closed, I refused to let myself even breathe. “I’m sorry.” I said in a breathy whisper, but it didn’t look like he had even heard me.

“He’s lost people that he loves, and he’s going to lose even more. So when he finally takes a chance and let’s himself care for someone, how do you think he’s going to feel when that person leaves him?” His voice was gradually getting quieter, but it was still laced with rage. I knew anything could set him off.

Never had I expected Oliver to come out of his shell in such an off-the-wall way, and frankly I liked him better when he was in his shell. Each of his words, one at a time, took their own painful stab at my heart. It looked like Evan needed me just as much as I needed him.

He went straight into speaking again, not missing a beat with his hands still on either side of my head. “Every single person in our band lives with Evan, did you know that? No, of course you didn’t because you ran out on him before you could even give him a chance to tell you. If it weren’t for him, this band wouldn’t even be possible.”

Finally, he released his hold on the wall and backed away, observing me with judgmental eyes for the very first time. “Despite anything you’ve heard, Evan is a good fucking person.”

Just as quickly as he showed up, he turned around and walked away, soon disappearing around a corner. He left me, breathing heavily as I took in the after-shocks of his words. I leaned against the wall for support, no longer trusting my legs. I thought I was mentally exhausted before, it felt like I was about to collapse then. I was even more stuck than before.

It looked like my sudden departure had messed things up with Evan pretty badly, at least that was what Oliver had told me. Even if I fixed things up with Matt, what good would that do for my relationship with Evan? I was torn and completely confused.

I had no idea what to do, or what even what I could do.