We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

Building up the courage to do something I really didn’t want to do has never been the easiest thing for me. I knew this time though, with all my heart, that it was absolutely necessary. Although I hadn’t talked to Matt at all yet, I had somewhat of an idea what I had to do. And first, I had to fix other things; things that I wasn’t sure I could really follow through on in the end. It was going to be hard, but I wanted to fix everything. Facing Evan was probably going to be even harder than talking to Matt.

In the end though, I knew that if I fixed all my other problems, it would make sharing things with Matt a little more easier, and that was exactly what I needed in order to be able to do this. The motivation.

First, I wanted to approach them, as in, Wretched Remorse as a whole. If I didn’t, or one of them caught me by surprise like the last time, I’d be more tongue-tied than ever. I didn’t think that would be very good for my plan.

“Hey,” I said, smiling at Matt and the rest of the guys. It was the first time I’d been out of my bunk in a while. They were surprised by that small feat, and I knew they would be astounded in a moment by what I was about to say. “I think I’m going to go to the show tonight.”

Yes, finally. It felt good to know I was getting somewhere with this, and I was actually following through with everything I had told myself I was going to do. Once again, I felt like my old self.

Jimmy gasped, and was up from his seat in a split second. “Really?” He asked excitedly, to which I merely nodded, the small smile still playing on my lips. “Really really?!” Laughing, I nodded again, and he scooped me up into a huge hug as if that last nod gave him confirmation.

This hug wasn’t like his normal, goofy ones. I could tell he was trying to convey a lot through this, and I felt all of it. He was proud of me, which only made my smile widen as I hugged him with more force. Proud of me was something he hadn’t been in a long while...

On the way out, though, Matt’s smile stayed but it tightened just a little, making me stop short on the stairs of the bus. “Don’t get me wrong Patey, I’m fuckin’ ecstatic that you’re joining us, but don’t forget to stay away from those boys okay?”

To keep up my usual indifferent attitude was a little hard for me this time, but I managed to roll my eyes. “I—well, no, whatever Matt.” I murmured, refusing to give him a straight answer.

“Payton,” His tone was a little sharper this time around, and he was sure he made as much eye contact with me as possible. He finally sighed when my eyes flickered to his for just a second. “Look at me and say that again, please.”

Swallowing hard, I forced myself to look up at him, but only for just as long as I’d managed to just then, and let out a sigh before I bolted out of the bus to catch up with the rest of the guys. I couldn’t say I was going to stay away from the boys, because that was a lie.

Part of this little ‘plan’ was no more lying to Matt. Until it was fully saw through, not giving him a straight answer would have to be good enough. I would apologize for everything later, including about what just happened.

Once I was caught up with everyone, and Matt was still significantly a while behind us, Brian grinned as he slung an around my shoulders. “I’m proud of you Peanut. Facing your fears is the only way you can fix things.” Johnny, Jimmy, and Zacky all nodded in agreement, they too were smiling. But both his words and his actions surprised the heck out of me, Brian and I had gotten along well, but we’d never had any heart-to-heart moments such as this in a long, long time.

He knew me a lot better than I thought he did, the same went for the rest of the guys as it turned out. I wasn’t expecting them to be so positive about me going to the show where there was going to be a bunch of kids that they practically hated around me. I guess they just wanted everything to be fixed, after all. It was causing quite a bit of tension on the bus.

I marched straight into the venue with one, sole purpose. If I could just explain... everything, maybe Evan would understand. He had understood everything else I’d told him, so why wouldn’t he about this? And maybe—maybe he would wait for me until I sorted things out with Matt. Because that was what I really needed, I had to work on my relationship with my family, with Matt first and have it solidified before I could think about boys. I hated basing my life around a ’maybe’, but for right then it was the best bet I had. This had to work.

For an hour or so before Avenged went on, I explored all the places I hadn’t gotten to at past shows, but it was mostly just going through the hallways and maybe opening the doors that weren’t locked. If I was going to do this right, I had to wait until I was sure there wouldn’t be anything to interrupt the talk I was going to have with Evan.

When I heard the always recognizable pounding of Jimmy’s drums, though, I ventured back into the main part of backstage. I was in the clear and officially able to put my plan into action. Even through the thick crowd it was easy to spot them, as they had been practically my best friends for the majority of the tour. It was just as easy for them to spot me, too, as they stopped what they were doing as soon as I entered the large room.

Evan’s jaw noticeably clenched just at the sight of me, and it only took a few moments for the rest of the boys to leave. I stood my ground when he began stalking over to me, a harsh glare set upon his normally cute features. He stood unbearably close to be, the glare never leaving his face, but I kept my own indifferent yet again. Although I did not like how close he was standing to me, I remained quiet for just a while longer.

I wasn’t really expecting it to turn out like this, but I had to work what I was given. Evan didn’t even give me a chance to speak, his finger pointed directly in my face. I hated that, but still I refused to let my anger get the best of me, because I saw what Evan’s was doing to him.
“What the fuck is your problem?!” He demanded and I flinched slightly, not expecting him to yell so loudly.

His words shocked me, and I quickly blurted out my answer. This was not how I had planned this out at all, anger was only supposed to take up a small portion of the conversation, and actual talking was supposed to take up the rest. “Matt flipped,”

He laughed bitterly at that, making me quickly stop in mid-sentence. “So you’re a daddy’s girl. Didn’t exactly peg you for that, but I bet you’re spoiled fucking rotten anyway.”

“No, no!” I suddenly piped up, finally finding my voice as I was sick of the way he was going on about this. Yelling wasn’t going to get us anywhere, but I found myself doing it anyway. His choice of words hurt me much more than they normally would, as they were coming from him. I was anything but spoiled.

My stare quickly turned to match his angry one, then. “Just shut the fuck up right now. You don’t know—a—fucking—thing—about me or my goddamned family!” As I said this, I harshly pushed his chest several times until he was the one backing away from me. “My family has been nothing but supportive of me, and you have no fucking right to bring them up!”

At this, Evan reeled back slightly. He obviously hadn’t witnessed the real Payton, as she hadn’t made an appearance in months, and I could tell he had definitely been in for a shock.

Both his tone and his stare significantly softened, and he crossed his arms even though I was still standing close to him. It looked odd really, that someone of my stature was able to intimidating such a tall, scary looking guy. “Well, I want to know you.” He reasoned softly, his gaze still intense but in a different way this time around.

His sudden change in mood shocked me, making me take a step back and I looked up at him with faint curiosity. A sudden urge to reply honestly came over me. “Yeah, well I’d like to know myself, too.” I said, looking away. “But I do know that I am not a daddy’s girl.”

“How about this, then,” He began, finally wearing his usual smirk. “Prove it. Come for a walk with me. It’s easier to talk outside.”

Then, I knew why he was acting so cocky. He was conning me into going out with him. If I didn’t, though, I knew it would ruin whatever chances I had left with him. And besides, my plan was sort of still on the right track. Plus, I had to prove that I wasn’t as much of a ‘daddy’s girl’ as Evan thought I was. Yes, that was why I was doing this...

Finally, after quite a bit of hesitation, I nodded and grinned up at him. I was still slightly shocked by how quickly our moods had changed. On the way out, several people gave us questioning glances, no doubt having witnessed the previous scene.

I didn’t even know which state we were in that night, but one thing I did know, the night air was as frigid and freezing as hell, and Evan didn’t even have a coat on while I wore a thin hoodie. Nonetheless, we walked side by side in silence, quickly exiting the venue.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I frowned, knowing it couldn’t be Matt because he was still performing. I sighed in relief when I saw it was just a text from Noah, but then laughed at what it said.

You assholes better not be fucking in a dumpster!

At the interruption, however silent it had been anyway, Evan grunted in annoyance and took my phone, quickly turning it off before passing it back to me. “He won’t shut the fuck up, trust me.” I didn’t protest, feeling we had just a little more privacy with my phone off, and we needed as much of that as we could get.

Before I knew it, even though we had been walking for at the very least fifteen minutes, Evan was making a sharp turn into a deserted playground. I quickly followed, nervousness beginning to well up in the pit of my stomach. This was really happening. I was following through on everything I had set out to do, albeit a little rocky. We both sat a bench, one lone street light shining down over us, it being the only one in the entire playground.

Sweetly, he gave me a small smile and a wink, as if waiting for me to spill my guts about the past week. My palms began getting sweaty, and I let out a sigh. I couldn’t allow myself to second guess anything I planned on telling him. “Things... things have been hard. My mom, she died last Christmas and well... things have happened since then,” I said, swallowing hard as I abruptly stood up. I needed to feel as if I were by myself as I said all of this out loud for the first time in months, so sitting on a rusting swing several feet away from Evan was the next best thing for me.

Evan only stayed on the bench for a few seconds longer, before he joined me on the swing set. I self-consciously swiped at my eyes, making sure there were no tears on my cheeks. Still silent, he reached over the gap between us and took my hand, lacing our fingers together. I smiled at the gesture, wanting to move closer to him but not able to on a swing without looking like I was mentally challenged.

Across from me, he looked straight into my eyes, and I saw that he too was fighting back tears. “My dad... my dad is dying.” He said, having to clear his throat several times just to even get that out. “He has cancer.” My heart sunk as he said this, though. My tears finally spilled over as I realized just how much it was taking him to tell me this.

We both sat in silence as we took each other in, our hands still clasped tightly together. I felt even more of a connection with him then. He has experienced the hurt I’ve been through, and was going to have to go through even more. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard it would be to watch a parent die.

“He—he owns a shitload of restaurants, and he wants me to take them over when he goes... but I can’t... I just can’t, Payton!” He was full on crying then, but I knew better than to try and hug him, settling for giving his hand a tight, reassuring squeeze.

God only knew how long we both stayed there, silent. There was no more tension in the air, it was completely comfortable and I would have given anything to stay with him for just a few more minutes, regardless of how cold it was. With my free hand, I turned my phone back on to check the time, and my eyes widened at the sight of it.

It was just after midnight, and I had several missed calls.

“Holy shit.” I said loudly, breaking the silence as I stood up. Evan got up with me, refusing to let go of my hand. “We’re—we’re late.”