We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

I really just wanna cut right to the chase here, Matt.

No. I quickly erased Matt’s named and replaced it was ‘dad’, hoping he wouldn’t be able to see past what I’d written behind the word I was once again trying to become accustomed to. This was not going to be very easy if I was fucking this up already, was it?

My hands were shaky, making my writing slightly less legible... but the notion of writing out the very thoughts I’d been keeping from my father was a terrifying feat in itself. I drew out a nervous breath, trying to calm myself down. I had all day to work on this; I was alone in my own little bunk that had become my home away from home. No one was judging me here.

I wish I could just tell you why it so hard for me to talk to you, right now in this very first entry. But things have gotten so damn complicated I don’t even know why anymore myself. First I thought it was because you wouldn’t understand... then I thought you would judge me... and by then I had told so many lies Icouldn’t tell you so many things I actually wanted to.

So I guess I’ll just write about what’s on my mind at this very moment.

Reeling, I sat back so I was resting against the wall in awe. That last paragraph had come out so quickly... my pencil couldn’t keep up with how fast I was thinking. Maybe that was another reason why I couldn’t talk to anyone easily? That I just thought about things too quickly and everything just came out of my mouth in a blurted heap. However, in the back of my mind the reason was much deeper than that...

After a few moments of awestruck silence, I leaned forward again and put my pencil back to the paper. That morning, just an hour earlier, I’d basically made a checklist in my head. So I knew what, or who, I wanted to talk about first. And it was not going to be easy.

Now, I’m not gonna lie. I really, really want to see Evan. Believe it or not, I miss him and the rest of the band. It’s just... he helps me think about things when he’s around... it’s like everything in my head just slows down and it allows me to really think things through. I know that more than likely doesn’t make sense to you. But I told him about Mom, and he’s the only person besides you, the guys, and Dannii who I have talked about her with.

Even if it had just been admitting it to Evan, it had been a big moment for me without a doubt. I just wish you understand that telling anyone about the accident is just as big of a blow for me as it was last year when it first happened... and it probably always will be.

Writing about my mother in past tense was hard enough alone, and I wished that somehow I could get over this... and somehow accept her death. But once again, just as I had told Matt, I would probably never be able to do such a thing. I began wondering how the hell I was going to go about writing this next paragraph, but powered onward before I could chicken out.

Also, I was aware that once I wrote something in this journal, there wouldn’t be any pages ripped out. It was just too lovely and I saw it as an extremely special gift from my uncle Jimmy. Besides, the entire point of this was so I wouldn’t have to hold anything back. I’d be disappointing Jimmy, Matt, and my mother if I did. Just get it out.

I miss Tyler. Again I know you’re not going to understand this. I know you think there’s no reason to, but doesn’t change the fact that I do. He was... is... practically my brother. And not having him to talk to every night is... hard, okay? It really is. It also really hurts to think about how much he betrayed me, and how far he would go just to get high. We were always the most important things to each other, but after I moved in with you it was literally like he’d forgotten about me and everything our friendship stood for.

Evan, my mother, and Tyler. The three things I had to get out of the way in this very first journal entry in order for Matt to understand the ones that would follow. I felt like I was able to bring this to a close, as just writing about these things was making my heart heavier with every passing second.

Eventually, I want to be able to really talk to you like I used to before this happened. I don’t want to do this journal thing forever, as brilliant as Jimmy’s idea may be, and as much as writing this helped me so soon.

As abrupt as that ending may have been, I ended it right there. That was it. I’d written down things I’d been holding in for so long in a book my father would be watching like a hawk. There was absolutely no way he was going to not see it. I was one step closer to getting things back to normal again.

One step closer to being happy for the first time in... how long? As I slowly closed the journal I’d quickly become accustomed to calling my own, I found myself pondering over the most trivial things. Should I just leave it on my bed and let Matt find it on his own time, or actually give it to him myself?

It was funny really. When I had so many other things to worry about, like how he was going to react, because I was sure he hadn’t any clue about ninety percent of what I’d just written, I was wondering how I should give it to him.

Just a minute later, Matt thankfully answered my question for me when he came back to the bunks in search of me. “Payton?” He called, and finally he had calmed down enough to where he just didn’t rip my bunk’s curtain open without so much as a warning. “You in there?”

“Yep!” I replied, opening the curtain for him. I kept my journal on my lap with one hand securing it, almost protectively, so it didn’t fall to the ground when I turned to face him.
“Have you—have you gotten started on the uh... journal?” He asked slowly, pointing apprehensively to the book on my lap.

Without a second thought, I picked up the journal and held it out in front of me. I smiled silently at the completely surprised look that quickly took over his features, and he reached out to nimbly grasp the opposite end to the one I was holding. When I was sure he wasn’t going to drop it in shock, I let my hand fall back into my lap.

“You mean... it’s done? Your first entry?” He asked, still as shocked as I was. He probably hadn’t expected me to finish that for at the very least a week, and here I was with it completed the very next day. Finally, he broke out into a dimpled grin much bigger than mine and ruffled my hair as he had done so many times before.

“I’m proud of you.” He mumbled, with the cheesy grin still gracing his features as he sat down across from me, in his own bunk.

Again I simply smiled, savouring the way and feel things were between the two of us then. I was beginning to think this whole ‘journaling’ thing would be so bad after all, especially after witnessing the effect they were having on our relationship already.

When I didn’t make any move to get up, he arched a questioning eyebrow. “So you’re gonna watch me read it?” In an instant I was out of the bunk area and I could hear Matt laughing just a few meters behind me, still in the bunks. Yes, I could definitely get used to things being like this again.

Most of the guys could be heard out in the living area talking amongst themselves in front of the TV. But upon seeing Jimmy in the kitchenette, fixing himself what looked like a haphazard peanut butter sandwich, I stopped in my tracks and my smile turned into a huge grin. As soon as he caught my eyes on him, he turned away from his creation and held his arms out for me.

I engulfed him into a hug, holding him to me just as tightly as he always did with me. “Thank you,” I muttered into his shirt, and he simply smiled as he lightly swayed us from side to side.

“No problem,” He said, his laugh accompanied with a playful roll of his eyes as I pulled away from him. “But it took you guys long enough to get it.” I laughed along with him, enjoying this side of Jimmy as it was one I rarely got to witness anymore. After he’d collected his ‘peanut butter surprise’ (I did not want to find out what the ‘surprise’ was), we joined Zacky, Johnny, and Brian out in the living area.

Each of the guys looked thoroughly surprised to see me up and about after what had happened just the night before, and not to mention looking happy. I had to get one thing out of the way before things could be back to normal with them first. “So... are we good?” I asked, gesturing from myself then toward them.

With all the tension on the bus as of late, I hadn’t really had a chance to talk to all the guys and see how they felt about me. So I felt it was crucial to ask them this, to know there weren’t any unresolved issues left between us on the bus.

Everyone laughed and shrugged, each of the guys smiling. It was nice to see they were happy I was finally get things sorted out, and it was beginning to feel like the family I’d grown to love again. The feeling of having nothing to hide anymore was amazing.

Fifteen minutes later we were all focused on TV, watching a rerun of Jackass on MTV2 and I was quickly growing nervous. It had been a while and Matt was sure to have read through that entire entry... several times in all probability. I didn’t even flinch when Matt bellowed out my name, calling me back to the bunk. I sent a heated glance around to the guys, then sucked it up and darted to the back of the bus. Once again I could not let myself hesitate.

Moments later I was sat back in front of him just like I had been a few minutes before, sitting nervously in my bunk with my feet dangling about a foot off the ground. I was reminded yet again exactly how short I was, but I paid no mind to it as I looked to Matt, watching as he gingerly leafed through the first, gold lined pages of the journal, the very ones I had messily scrawled across. Just from the look on his face I could tell he was carefully planning out whatever he wanted to say to me.

I was just thankful he didn’t look angered by anything I said in the journal entry. That had been my main concern, that he wouldn’t understand anything I’d talked about... at all. Then, just when I thought he wasn’t going to say anything, he began speaking. “I’m... I know I’ve said this before, but I’m insanely proud of you kiddo. For laying it all out there like that the very first entry. You don’t even know.”

My heart fluttered with hope. If it made sense, I was proud that he was proud of me. It meant that things were getting better. “I am serious about this, dad.” I said quietly, hoping he hadn’t thought that I’d just wouldn’t touch the journal and blow what I’d said the night before off. That wasn’t my plan at all.

“I know you are,” He replied, his eyes softening even more than they’d been before. Instead of hugging me like he looked like he wanted to do, his gaze flickered back to the very first page, and he ran a hand down his face before looking back up at me. ‘Payton—you, you don’t have to explain to me why you can't verbally talk about these things. That’s why we’re doing this,” He held up my journal. “Instead.”

“If that’s all you want, then I’m fine with that.” Although we had only just begun talking about my journal entry, it didn’t seem so bad already and I was hoping it would stay that way.

Phew. I got that over with, coherently. Now... onto the next topic... which should have been Evan, but I was slightly shocked when Matt skipped over him. Perhaps he wasn’t doing this in order, after all...

“Your mom... Payton, in all honesty,” You’re overreacting. You shouldn’t still be missing her. “You’re probably never going to stop missing her... and wishing she was here,” I gulped. That may have been completely opposite to what I had thought he was going to say, but still. His words came as another blow to me. Would I really have this feeling, this aching for my mother until the day I die?

He leaned forward, realized the reaction he had gotten out of me was not a good one. “But that’s okay,” He said quickly, “Patey, you could come to me twenty years from now, crying and telling me exactly how much you miss her, and I’d still understand. Everyone would. You’ve been so strong over the past year or so, you really don’t give yourself enough credit. It’s also okay to miss Tyler, too,” He said the last part hesitantly, and of course I picked up on that, looking down with a small sigh after a moment passed.

“Hey... come on,” He said softly, leaning forward even further to take one of my hands. “I do understand, believe me when I say that, but I just... can’t help but not like the kid. He put you in so much danger last year, and I was this close to losing you.”

With a small, light nod, I looked back up at him and gave him a smile, tears already formed in my eyes. Surprisingly, I was not mad at him in the slightest for not wanting to talk about Tyler. I almost understood where he was coming from. “Please Payton, don’t stop talking about him though!” Frantically, he leaned forward even more until he was standing in front of me, crouched down to my level. “Because I know that’s still bothering you. A lot. So you really should talk about him, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And if that’s really what you want... we can work on talking normally to each other eventually.”
He must have known that would make me feel better. “Yeah, I really would like that.” I said, still smiling.

“Maybe after tour, and we’re settled in at home?” He suggested, and that only served as another shock to me. Tour was ending in just a couple of weeks. I’d grown so accustomed to living on this bus, but going back home to my room was definitely something I was looking forward to. Again I nodded happily in agreement, wiping my eyes before the tears managed to fall.

In those few short weeks, though, I knew I would be writing a lot of these journal entries to him. He sat back down in his original place after a minute, smiling like an idiot once again.

“You’re forgetting something,” I said, smirking. Talking about Evan didn’t seem so scary anymore, either.

“Really?” He asked. “And what is that?”

“Evan.”

Noticeably, he cringed at Evan’s name being said out loud, but still managed to keep the smile on his face.

“Dad,” I sighed, seeing the look in his eyes. “Evan—and the rest of Wretched Remorse—they’re all a part of my life now. Whether you like it or not.”

He let out a sigh much like mine, and rand his hand down his face yet again. “He definitely could have went about things with you differently, Payton. A little better. And I just... I don’t know if you hanging around with him right now is a good idea.”

“Please dad,” I said, frantically popping up from my seat and tackling him into a hug on his bunk. In spite of everything, he laughed and held me back just as tightly. “Come on, don’t be the one to judge him so quick. All I’m asking is for you to meet him just once. And then you can judge him however you like.”

“I’ll think about it,” He finally groaned, after seeing the tears build up in my eyes again. “Okay? Is that good enough?”

“Yep,” I said quickly, not making any move to pull away from his embrace. “That’s all I want.”