We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

Matt

"Watch it Mini, or you're gonna end up with a waffle in the face!" At Jimmy's shrill warning, I could hear Payton mutter obscenities to our drummer. That was when I chose to make my entrance.

I had stayed in my bunk the majority of the morning, talking with Val. She was ecstatic to hear how well Payton was doing over the past week, as was I. Today, we (or the guys, as I had been sleeping when that decision was made) had decided against going to a diner in the middle of nowhere or a fast-food restaurant, and make our own makeshift breakfast here in the kitchenette of the bus. The sight of the miniature kitchen shocked me, and my jaw fell slack.

An assortment of cereal was littered all over the floor, nearly making it look like a sea of Lucky Charms and Captain Crunch. Then, I saw Jimmy's creation, and the one I assumed Payton had come close to getting injured with. On the ceiling, there were over-cooked microwaved waffles... and it looked like they were stuck up there with one obscene amount of maple syrup.

I let out a sigh, tiredly rubbing my face. I may have been glad my daughter seemed to be having fun, as she was grinning then when she saw my face, but she and my best friends always managed to get into some kind of trouble whenever I wasn't around... even if I was sleeping just in the next room.

For a moment, I wondered how I hadn’t heard the commotion or laughter all morning, then sighed yet again. Val had absorbed every last bit of my attention these past few hours. "Don't look at me like that, just clean it up after you eat," I mumbled, knowing they were half expecting me to freak out at the mess. I was just too happy to be deterred then, especially by something as small as what looked like a food fight. Everyone finally let out the breath they'd been holding, and picked up what was left of the breakfast they'd made at some point during the supposed food fight.

I winced at the crunching noise the cereal made under my feet as I walked over it, and I paused. I had my doubts that there was even anything left to make my own breakfast with, then finally broke down and decided to go with something simple like frosted flakes because I wanted to sit with my finally, seemingly happy, daughter at breakfast.

It was crazy, really. Payton had made a 360 degree turnaround pretty much overnight. The past week had been nearly perfect, and filled with quite a few journal entries. From the look on Payton's face as she munched on one of the waffles that weren’t over-cooked or stuck to the ceiling, she was getting freaked out by my staring. Had that been all she'd needed?

Apparently that was so, and as baffled as I may have been, I counted myself lucky to have my daughter back. Like I had predicted, she ignored my stare, probably used to it by then.

Thinking about it, I was beginning to feel terrible. Even as the entire bus jumped when it went over a bump and the milk in my bowl spilled over her lap, the happiness in her eyes didn’t fade away, and neither did mine. But still, I couldn’t help but feel terrible about everything that had happened over these past few months.

Her own thoughts had been plaguing her so much that they had been practically eating her away, and although I tried to do otherwise, I pretty much sat back and watched... and more than likely made things a whole lot worse.

A journal, a letter had been all that she’d really needed. If I hadn’t spent so much time trying to get her to talk to me verbally and considering other options with her like Jimmy, none of this would have built up like it had.

One last time, I sent her a wink as she cleaned her plate and went back to the back of the bus to find a change of clothing since even though she had managed to clean up most of it with a paper towel, the milk had left a considerable stain on her skinny jeans. But thankfully her eating habits had changed from when she first came to live with me, it really must have been a grieving thing.

The guys noticed the look in my eyes, and I bet they even knew some of the thoughts that were running through my head. For the most part, they left me alone to think things through a little more. As happy as she may have been, I was painfully aware of how much she missed that Evan kid.

Still, even if I hated that kid, now that I could see the drastic improvement in Payton, I was maybe... somewhat considering meeting Evan. And maybe even the rest of Wretched Remorse.

I had to be absolutely sure that Payton was not being immature about dating Evan, although in her very first journal entry and the ones following it, she’d been completely genuine. She actually felt something for this kid... and that thought alone scared the shit out of me. In my opinion fifteen was too young to be in a serious relationship... and that was exactly how it looked this was going to be.

That was definitely what scared me most. As her father it was my job to protect her from things that could very potentially hurt her. I had really only just gotten her back in my life... and the thought of this kid stealing my time with her was making me sick.

I was aware of how selfish that more than likely was of me, but that was how I felt about Evan. And then, of course, an even worse thought came to mind.

What if she got pregnant? And what if she ran off to another freaking country... just like her mother had? First, I would limb the kid for even thinking about touching Payton in that way... I was freaking out, and somewhere in my mind I knew that I was overreacting and was thinking of the very worst thing that could happen, but I could not let that happen. Not in million years.

Quickly, I shook myself when I realized I had my hands braced on the back of my head—and I swear I was about to go tell Payton that she couldn’t see Evan, but thankfully, my rational side came in to play.

After everything that had happened, Payton herself wouldn’t let anything close to that happen, either.

“Matt? Jesus—are you alright?” Brian asked suddenly, his face appearing in my line of sight. I sat up straight on the sofa, blinking slowly. I don’t know how I’d been so oblivious, but the all of the guys seemed to have been watching my mini freak-out for quite some time.

“Uh—yeah man, I’m just... fuck, I don’t know what to do about Evan,” On cue, each of my best friends either winced or grimaced at the mentioning of Payton’s crush. “She wants me to meet him.”

They looked even more petrified as I let that out, which only made me more concerned. Did they share the same worries I’d just been obsessing over?

As soon as I uttered that, however, it seemed as if a switch had been turned on and everyone began bickering amongst themselves, trying to figure out what to do. The only one who wasn’t taking this seriously was Jimmy, as usual. “Shut up, shut up! I can’t stay in my own head for that long!” He suddenly screamed, causing everyone to halt their endless chatter, and cackled when he saw the result he’d gotten.

“Guys,” I sighed. “If you’re not gonna help can you shut the fuck up so I can think?”

With a glint in his eye, Jimmy grinned at me. Immediately I knew he could sense exactly what part of this situation was bothering me the most. “I think someone’s gonna get the sex talk very soon,” He said, smiling even wider. “Oh, let me do it! I can make it interesting and not so... ‘birds and the bees’ kinda shit!”

I put my hands up in a frantic gesture, hoping he wouldn’t run back to the bunks with this idea in his head. “Trust me, Jimmy, giving her the birds and the bees talk is not a good idea... at all.” I shuddered. Not only would Payton be mortified, it’d probably axe all the progress we made and she’d never talk to me again.

He let out a sigh, seemingly disappointed as he collapsed onto the couch next to me. “It gotta happen sometime, Matteo,” Jimmy sang, turning to me slightly.

“She knows enough,” I said, remaining tight-lipped on the subject. Going into the talk with the guys, I had no idea we’d be bringing stuff like this up. I did not need advice about that.
“Well how about this,” Johnny started, and everyone looked at him sceptically. Johnny was known for having worst ideas than Jimmy. “We meet Evan together, as a band alright? We can give him the third degree and if he survives it, he’s good in my book.”

Everyone, aside from me, verbally agreed with Johnny. “Finally,” Brian laughed. Zacky clapped his much shorter friend on the back with a laugh. “Short-shit gets a good idea!”

“Alright then,” I mumbled, hesitantly standing with a stretch of my arms. “After the show tonight, alright? Don’t be fucking around, and meet us backstage... in the dressing room,” I said, quickly formulating a plan. Sort of an ambush on the poor kid, almost.

Sucking in a deep breath, I approached Payton in the bunks, seeing that she was just texting on her phone, more than likely to Dannii. “You’re sure about this kid?” I started, and it looked as if I had shocked her to life. She looked up at me, slightly confused and excited at the same time.

“Pretty damn sure,” She replied after a moment, still looking up at me with hopeful eyes.
“Alright, well... how about this,” I paused, making her sweat a little, before I smiled. “If you write me a journal before we leave me n’ the guys will meet the kid tonight.”

Easily, she caught onto the ‘we’ I’d tried to add in without her realizing it, and let out a loud groan, only succeeding in making me let out a chuckle. “You and the guys? Do you really think that’s necessary?”

“Very,” I replied, no longer being able to hide the grin I’d been holding back. She was on to my plans, that much was clear, and she really must have thought a lot of Evan to put him in such a predicament and expect him to actually pull through.

“But—but you guys are gonna murder him!” She said, hastily standing up.

I quickly shook my head, unwilling to change my mind. “If he can’t handle one measly hour with us, he sure as hell can’t handle you on your best day.”

Snorting, Payton rolled her eyes and crossed him arms over her chest, looking away. Then, finally, a small smile broke out onto her face. “Okay,” She begrudgingly agreed, turning to smile up at me.

“And only if you sing with me at one of the next dates,” I said, somewhat hurriedly. I wanted her to agree to that too before she could think about it too much.

Her singing onstage with me had been something I’d been dreaming up for weeks. And now with the whole ‘journaling’ thing, I think it would help her communicate verbally that much more—that was, after all, what she wanted. I just hoped she would at least give the idea some kind of rational thought before giving me a flat out no.

“Please don’t make me do this,” She pleaded, panic echoing in her tone.

This was not the reaction I’d been looking for... at all, and I quickly pulled her into my chest, swaying us back and forth. “Hey, come on Patey. I literally do this every day. It’s not so bad, and I think this will be good for you.”

She sighed into my chest, and then gave the slightest nod of her head. Instantly, I grinned in response and pulled her away so I could look in her eyes. “I’m proud of you, Patey. I promise this is gonna go well, okay? We’ll rehearse for a few dates during sound check first, alright?”

“Alright,” She mumbled, for once looking as if she were even slightly interested in the idea. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time she’d sung in front of me, and I was stoked to see at least a little interest in her eyes.

“You better get started on that entry, then. We’re leaving for sound check in about an hour.” I gave her a tight squeeze before I completely pulled away, looking down at my daughter with pride.

Things really were starting to look up even more then. We were working through all of her problems (for the time being, I considered Evan one, too), and by getting up on stage with me and the rest of the band, maybe she’d come out of her shell a little more.

No more than thirty minutes later, Payton had her journal entry finished and was calling out for me to join her in the bunks. I got up from my spot and put the beer I’d been drinking on the table, where many empty ones reside, making my way back to the bunks at a leisurely pace.

The guys and I had been relaxing the living area, enjoying a beer or two in quiet anticipating for the show tonight. It was one of the larger ones, and we were practically dying with excitement. That was another reason why I didn’t ask Payton to sing with me tonight, because she would have freaked out just looking at the crowd.

Again, I was surprised with how quickly she always managed to get these done, although I shouldn’t have been. As she said she was serious about them, and I shouldn’t have expected any less.

Wordlessly, I sat on my bunk across from her and took the journal into my hands, giving her a small smile before I dove straight into reading.

Not a lot has changed since the last entry, dad, so I don’t really know what to talk about today, but my spirits have been lifted even more. Now, it reallyfeels like everything’s going to be okay, and for once I’m not feebly holding on to someone’s promise that things are looking up. And without you and the guys, I would more than likely be a lot worse off.

“You have no idea how fuckin’ happy I am to hear that, P. The progress you’ve made in the past week alone is unbelievable,” I mumbled, tearing my eyes away from the page to smile at her.

Without hesitating, she returned my smile with a large grin. “Like I said, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.”

I can tell this is obviously a touchy subject for you, especially with Evan because I’m willing to bet you haven’t heard the best things about him... but, I’d just like you to know I’mnot going to do anything stupid. I know you think there’s a possibility that I would, but you really gotta think about this before you jump to conclusions. I’ve never done drugs, never smoked or drank. Fuck it, I’ve never even had a boyfriend before.

If anything I’m smarter than most of the kids my age, at least when it comes to this. It actually hurts me, knowing that you think I could do something stupid with Evan... or anyone for that matter.

From the last piece, I withdrew my previous worries with a guilty sigh. Then, I was feeling like shit because I was the one not trusting her. “I’m so sorry, Payton, for ever doubting you about this.” I stated, looking at her again.

“It’s okay.” She replied quietly, making me feel slightly better. I knew I would have to make this up to her somehow, though.

Sometimes, I may not call you ‘dad’ and ‘Matt’ might slip out. I know you flip your shit with this, so I’d like to get this out of the way now. If Iever call you by your first name, it’s not because I’m mad at you or holding some sort of grudging or anything equally absurd. I’ve just known you by Matt for so long, and I’m still getting used to calling you by anything other than that. It’s been a while since I started calling you ‘dad’, I know, but you know how long it takes me to get used to any kind of change.

Basically, please don’t think that the times I don’t call you dad that I don’t want to, because that is just really not the case.

I think that’s it. And you better not bitch at me for this being shorter than usual.

Still smiling, tears nearly came to my eyes at Payton’s heart-felt words. Am I always going to get this emotional with each entry Payton wrote for me? She was seriously turning him into a soft-shit.”Thank you, for clearing that up,” I said, my words clipped with suppressed emotion. “And the length is fine. As long as you write something you mean, I’m happy.”

After I gingerly handed her journal back to her, we sat in silence for a few moments before her smile widened significantly. “So—are you ready to meet Evan tonight?”

Frowning, I scratched the back of my neck. “I don’t think I ever will be,” Before she could protest, I continued. “And don’t forget about performing with me, okay kiddo? I want you to be with us during sound check today so we can start practicing, got it?”

Payton’s face paled considerably, and her smile faltered. “Don’t worry about it, Patey. Seriously. You are my kid. There’s no way you can fuck this up,” I joked, hoping it would brighten her mood.

“Of course, you’d be cocky about this.” She said with a laugh. “And yeah... I don’t know what I was worried about. I’m going to fucking rock this shit... but not because I’m your offspring,” She spoke, her grin coming back full force. “Just because I’m rad.”

We both laughed, and I slung an arm over her shoulder as we walked back out to join the guys and resume waiting in the front of the bus, itching to get to the venue already.