We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

The walk from the bus to the arena was a little more chaotic that usual, at least I thought it was. Perhaps it was because it was the very last tour date, but I could really be sure. A throng of fan nearly flocked to us, and Matt simply gripped my hand a little tighter and shot me a reassuring look as he pulled me closer to his side.

I hesitantly returned it, feeling overwhelmed and was still reeling from what had just happened back in the bus. While I adored A7X’s fans just as much as the next person, they really picked probably the worst time to swarm. Not only was I a little uneasy, but you could easily tell that Dad was trying to be civil, even friendly, with everyone, but all he wanted was to get me inside the venue safe and sound.

Through the whole ordeal I fell behind numerous times, only to have Matt tug me up with him again. All I could do was imagine the screaming wasn’t fans wanting an autograph or just to talk to a member of Avenged Sevenfold, and told myself it was the crashing of the waves under the pier all the way back in Huntington Beach.

The thought surprised me, really. My happy place wasn’t back with a sober Tyler, and it stunned me to realize that it hadn’t been for a long, long time. Huntington was my home, and it always would be.

My heart felt like it was in my throat even just for sound check, but I managed to power through it with a brave face and limited mistakes. It may have only been one song, but that was all it took to completely ruin a show, embarrass myself and my family.

As usual, the guys either weren’t worried about me potentially having a huge fuck-up, or they were just hiding it well, because they all wore excited smiles and gave me words of encouragement every chance they got. It warmed my heart to realize that they really did want me to perform with them tonight.

Finally when everyone was backstage just a few hours later preparing for the show, Matt took me off to the side, grasping my shoulders between his hands. In the distance, I could hear Jimmy’s excited whoops and hollers, no doubt working the rest of the guys up even further for the show.

I easily met Matt’s gaze, choosing to pretend that our earlier conversation never happened, and I intended on not thinking about it until I was at least finished with my song during the show.

“I’m sorry about overreacting earlier, Patey. Everything’s fine, okay?” He said, looking down at me with a reassuring expression.
Silently, I nodded and forced another smile in return. Right then was probably the worst time to bring it up, since the showing was starting in just a few minutes. He took that as a good enough response, and everything that happened after that was like a whirlwind for me.

Before I knew it, I was standing on the side of the stage, waiting forsakenly while the guys performed the first couple of songs in their set list and Matt built the crowd up for what was to come. As if they needed it, anyway. The entire arena was absolutely raging.

Beside me, Evan took my hand in his and gave it a supportive squeeze. He and probably everyone else around me could tell I was freaking out, but I tried my best to keep my emotions in check.

When he didn’t get a reaction from me, he let out an inaudible sigh and snaked an arm around my waist, pulling me closer until my head rested against his chest. “You’re going to be fine. Actually, you’re going to be fucking awesome. Now stop worrying about it, you’re freaking me out.”

With a laugh, I pulled away from him until I met his gaze with my own. “But you’ve never even seen me perform. How would you know how good I am?”

He pouted at that. “Well, it’s not as if I didn’t want to watch you. If I remember correctly, you were the one who always drove me away during sound checks.” He replied, and I was surprised no one else around us could hear our conversation because we had to nearly scream over both the fans and the music. “Anyway, do you really think Avenged Sevenfold would let you play with them at one of the biggest shows of the year if they didn’t think you were good enough?”

“Well... maybe, ‘cause I am fam—”

“No,” He cut me off, pressing his lips against mine momentarily. “They wouldn’t. You’re going to be fine.” He repeated, and finally I let it go and just nodded, going back to laying my head on his chest.

The rest of his band were behind us somewhere, and they were just as excited, if not more, than everyone else to see me sing. Surprisingly, them watching really didn’t bother me too much, at least not when I had other things on my mind.

In fact, it was actually comforting to know I had some many people supporting me.

Another few minutes were all I had to shake off my nerves completely.

I was going to get on stage... in front of thousands of people, and I was going to sing. I wasn’t going to worry about the fact that I’d only ever done so around the closest members of my family, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to think about the conversation my Dad and I had just a few hours earlier. Nope, I was going to temporarily forget everything, and just focus on my singing.

That sounded like a great plan if I’d ever heard one.

From behind his massive drum kit, Jimmy shot me one of his infectious grins that I couldn’t help but return, and I actually meant this one. They were just finishing up ‘Critical Acclaim’ and he’d just completed his last part of the lyrics before he’d looked toward me.

Knowing what was next, I pulled away from even and stood stock still after I hastily shoved my custom ear plugs into my ears, waiting for my cue. Then, of course, my good ol’ reliable Uncle Jimmy veered off from our original plan of Dad introducing me first, and motioned for me to come out with one of his drum sticks.

Obviously, I hesitated (actually, I was this close to all out running in the opposite direction). In a split second he was off his throne and sauntering his way over to me, a determined look crossing through his eyes.

Instead of slinging me over his shoulder like he had the last time, he regarded me for a minute, then took my hand in the most gentle grip he’d ever used with me, gave me a big, proud smile, and escorted me straight onto the stage.

His peaceful demeanour helped calm me down, and a lot too. I almost felt like squishing him into a hug right there on the stage for it, but after making sure I wasn’t going to dart he returned to his drum kit and left me standing beside my father.

Jimmy really had set me off in a different mood, and I grinned up at Matt, giving him a small nod. Then, I was thinking nothing could possibly go wrong, tonight was going to be nothing but golden and I couldn’t let my past get in the way with that once again.

“Alright. So a few months ago we dragged this kid right here onstage in Long Beach, and of course the little shit refused to sing with me,” Dad began, and at that moment I could only grin even wider at the memory.

So very much had changed since then, yet my family had stayed the same in the sense that they were still there for me and we were all in one piece. “And of course the little shit refused to sing with me, but that’s all changed now and tonight, she’s gonna fuckin’ sing this next song as if her life depends on it, right Payton?”

The crowd screamed loudly in response, and I nodded once again, sending out a wave to everyone in the audience while one of the technicians set up a microphone for me.

If I pretended it was just me and the guys during sound check again, things would go smoothly. Hell, they weren’t even that bad when I was staring straight out into the sea of people.

“This is ‘Welcome to the Family,” He said quickly, and then the rest of the band started in. I could feel my insides practically melting from nervousness, fear and excitement all in one.

“Hey kid!” Matt sang, and I readied myself for the line where I would start in with him. “Do I have you attention? I know the way you’ve been living,”

“Life so reckless, tragedy endless,” I burst out, and immediately after doing so the crowd roared in encouragement. My heart fluttered uselessly in my chest, and I glanced behind to grin at the guys before looking over to the side of the stage where my other boys were waiting. They were even more stoked than the crowd, and it looked as if Noah was about to have a stroke.

“Welcome to the family,” We both sang this part together, and that was when I relaxed a little. If I did fuck up, Matt would just sing the rest of my part anyway. It really wasn’t a big deal.

“Hey, there’s something missing, only time will alter your vision,” I waited as Matt sang the next line, then we both did the welcome to the family part together again.

It was practically a heart-stopping moment for me. Everything that had led me to this, and I mean everything, at that moment I didn’t regret. As cheesy as it sound, I felt as if I were released of every single one of my worries for those few minutes.

Honestly, I loved it. I expected a little and I got so much more. With Syn whispering all the appropriate parts and Matt singing along with me, there wasn’t even room for anything to go wrong.

We went on to sing entire verses individually, and parts of the chorus in unison.

“So have you figured it out now?” Matt sang, direction the question toward me.

“So have you figured it out?” I shot back, nearly dancing on the stage. The music was nearly pumping through my veins then; I imagined I looked like a tried and true rock star up there with my family.

“And in a way it seems there’s no one to call when our thoughts are so numb and our feelings unsure. We all have emptiness inside we all have answers to find, but you—can’t—win—this—fight.”

Our second-to-last verse was easily the best. I knew this was the one that would stick out to people the most, so I really gave it my all.
Brian went on to whisper the very last verse, and I was seemingly stuck, still staring at Matt, after we both finished our part. For the first time in a long time, everything had gone according to plan.

I couldn’t honestly believe it, not while I gave the still cheering crowd one last smile and a wave before I quietly exited the stage. As soon as I got close enough, every member of Wretched Remorse, even Oliver, crowded me; they congratulated me, gave me bear hugs and told me what a good job I’d done.

Surreal was the only word I could come up with to define how I felt.



Back in the bus later that night, Avenged Sevenfold had just finished up their very last show of the tour and I was still buzzing from my own performance. For once I felt like how I thought Jimmy did ninety nine percent of the time, on top of the world; as if nothing could touch me or my family.

“How awesome was that?!” I asked, directing my breathless question toward everybody on the bus.

But of course, Jimmy was the one who would answer just as enthusiastically. “It was the shit, it was fucking insane! You were awesome, Mini,” He grinned, pulling me into the huge bear hug I’d felt like giving him back onstage.

Zacky, Johnny and Brian all took turns of either pulling me into similar hugs and/or high-fiving me. The only person who wasn’t sharing the excitement was Matt. Well, he looked happy for me, but looks can be deceiving, and I happened to see straight through his facade.
Something was off about him and I couldn’t figure out just what... yet.

I didn’t like it, not one bit. Not only was this odd for him, especially when I’d finally done what he’d asked of me and went through with everything. Our earlier conversation was still engraved on my mind, so right away I knew it was probably something to do with that.

Since we would be taking a flight (which I would freak out on) back to Huntington in the morning, we were parked in the bus for the night.

After some of the excitement managed to die down and the guys were preoccupied with thoughts of finally seeing their wives and the rest of their family again, I invited Dad back to the bunks to our usual talking place.

He might have been keeping a cool composure, but I could see the apprehension in his eyes. “Is everything alright?” I asked slowly, sitting down on my bunk across from him. Whatever it was, I wanted to get the issue cleared up and fast.

“Aren’t I usually the one asking you that?” He chuckled, after giving me a short nod.

I refused to laugh, or veer off subject. I needed to know what the hell was up with him. “Is there—is there anything you want to tell me, Dad?” I pressed, thinking to myself that I sounded like a parent.

My mind wandered to the obvious things, perhaps Val was pregnant and he didn’t know how or when to tell me. I could handle that, hell, I’d be over the moon for them. It would also be a legitimate reason for Matt to freak out. Or worse yet, what if they were having problems?

His smile dropped, and along with that so did my heart into my stomach. I held my breath when he leaned forward, propped his elbows on his knees and his head into his hands. Oh, Jesus. This really is something big.

“I was going to tell you, Payton. I can promise you that. But I just—it didn’t feel right—not when you’re doing so well with everything—”

Skirting around the subject wasn’t going to fly with me. “Tell me what?” I asked, somewhat warily. I wanted to know and at the same time I didn’t. He didn’t look too impressed when I cut him off, but at that point I couldn’t have cared less.

“It’s probably nothing, but... Derek and Melissa—I blocked their number from your phone, Patey.”

Several second passed. His statement had left me speechless, and even when I built up the courage to speak it was only two simple, stuttered words.

“You... you what?”