We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

I waited for it to sink in with Matt. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if it had sunk in for me yet, either. But otherwise, I knew this was the right thing to do. I could feel that much in my heart.

My house—this house, it needed life. It needed someone living in it, all year round. It needed a family, a strong one like the people who used to inhabit it. Right now, it felt as dead as my past did. It used to hold a life of its own, almost. It used to be comforting to walk in here; it used to feel like home.

For me it was tainted. But for another family, it would be a place to go when nowhere else felt right. They could make something out of this, again. And if that was the only consolation I got from the situation I’d put myself in, I would take it.

Matt stared at me, his eyes blank, radiating shock. “Why?” he asked, as if it was all he could think of saying.

“Because it’s here—rotting away, Matt. It’s not what I want, and it’s sure as hell not what Mom would have wanted.”

“Yeah, but… but we don’t have to sell it, Patey. We can do something with this; we could make it our vacation home. How’s that sound?” it was what he thought I wanted to hear. Really, though, it was the exact opposite. I couldn’t see myself living here—even just for a vacation—ever again.

“After today, I don’t want to come back here anymore.” That might have been drastic, but it was how I felt. “Please, let’s just sell it. I think it’s a good idea.” I added as I ran my hand across the wall, feeling the coldness of it, remembering.

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Payton,” Grabbing my hand, he pulled me back so I was facing him and met my eyes. “You’re sure?”

For a few seconds I honestly reconsidered it, which I’m sure is why Matt asked me twice. This new Matt was a little weird for me, but I appreciated his concern. Once in a while it was nice to have someone look out for me, and as long as he wasn’t overbearing, I would be okay with that. Maybe it was what I needed all along. “I’m positive. Now can we go, please? I… I don’t like it here.”

He gave me another look of concern, but I told myself not to take it too seriously. He was looking out for me, and I couldn’t push him away yet again. After a lot of deliberation, he spoke. “Sure, kiddo. Let’s go.”

This was the last time I would ever set foot in this house. I tried my best to wrap my head around that fact, but all I ended up doing was wandering away from Matt, and probably only worrying him even further. My mind was not on him, however, and I told myself repeatedly that this was my past.

This house was in my past, that’s what I had to remember. Nothing here could help me with the problem at hand, Tyler. As we filed out the front door, all I was ready to do was go back to the bus and figure out what the hell I was going to do next.

I made it until I was down the front steps before Matt spoke. My head was downcast, my thoughts not exactly optimistic. Every second I felt like I was on the verge of breaking. “Payton, look,” a hand on my shoulder, I looked toward my father and then to where he was pointing, straight ahead of us.

And I couldn’t believe my eyes. I’d half expected to see Jimmy parading down the street in nothing but his birthday suit or something else just as crazy. But the sight that met me was much, much more surprising.

Evan stood there, no more than a few feet away from me. A small, worried (almost nervous) smile graced his features. If I’d been able to focus on anything but Evan, I would have seen the familiar, conspicuous white van behind him with Noah plastered against the passenger side window, nearly chomping at the bit as he watched the scene unfold.

Not knowing what to do, I stood where I was frozen in place. Irrationally, I thought for just a moment that he was here to verbally lash out at me again, so I braced myself. I even winced when he opened his mouth to speak, and a hurt look flashed in his eyes, before the nervousness was back tenfold. “I’m sorry.”

My eyes welled with tears. That definitely wasn’t what I expected to hear from him. When they spilled over, Evan looked a whole lot guiltier, and he looked to my left where Matt was standing. His hand left my shoulder as he stepped aside, and that was all the encouragement Evan needed.
In three quick strides Evan was standing in front of me, but he looked hesitant to touch me. If I weren’t so in shock I would’ve told him to get it over with and hug me, but all I could do in that moment was stare.

Eventually, I smiled, and the nervous twitch of Evan’s lips was replaced with a wholehearted grin, similar to mine. “Hey,” I finally said, somewhat lamely. It was all the encouragement he needed to wrap his arms around me, so tight I could barely breathe. Being close to him was everything I remembered, everything I wanted. Everything I needed.

Behind us, the bus door could be heard closing—signalling that Matt actually trusted us alone for once—and that only made me that much more content with these turn of events, but the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes weren’t concerned about that. I sucked it up as best as I could for the moment, and let out a shaky laugh. “Don’t ever do that to me again, Ev.”

“I won’t, I promise you.” He spoke with passion and gave me one last squeeze around the middle before pulling away from me, reaching to take both hands in mine.

“You better not,” I said quietly, looking away as a tear cascaded down my cheek.

With the pad of his thumb, he reached up to gingerly wipe the tear away; I couldn’t help but smile, in spite of the situation. This now was one of the only things I had to smile about, so I took my chance while it was still there. We may have only been apart for a night, but it had been one of the longest, most brutal nights I’d ever been through.

Cheesy as I knew it must have sounded, I didn’t want to chance letting him go again. I might have been happy with this turn of events, but it all felt like it could slip away in a split second. I glanced behind him, Noah was no longer leering through the van’s passenger window, and Matt was still in the bus.

While I might possibly have wanted to kiss him, I had questions. And I also had to worry about my best friend in the hospital, the uncontrollable urge to go see him again, and what the hell I was going to do about it. Now didn’t seem like the right time.

I figured I could start with the simplest question first. “How did you get here?”—and perhaps the dumbest.

He chose to keep it short when summarizing the past twelve hours for him. “Your dad and a GPS.”

That was a shock for me, and the first time I’d heard about Matt making any contact with Evan at any point in the last few hours. It gave me new hope in making my relationship with my father work, once and for all.

“Evan!” I nearly shouted. “You didn’t have to come all the way out here. You shouldn’t have—you should be—”

Especially the rest of the band, I was about to say. They shouldn’t have dragged themselves through that entire drive just for me. I didn’t feel like I was worth it.

“Hush,” He soothed, rubbing calming circles into the palm of my hand. “I’m here and that’s what matters. Nothing is going to get me to leave.”

Hearing that, I felt relief flood my system. I couldn’t feel the bitter cold nipping at my cheeks, or the pressure of everyone waiting on us in their vehicles. This moment was ours and no one else’s. Finally, I gave into the possibility that maybe, for the first time in a long time, something is somewhat—somehow—working out for me. I wasn’t about to try and fuck that up again.

“I’m happy you’re here, then.”

He smirked, and although at one point I found it to be highly annoying, I liked seeing it on his face today. It made things feel as if they were normal, or at least as normal as they ever were. “Me too.”

After our small reunion, I sucked up enough courage to say I wanted to visit Tyler for the second time that day. Now that I had the support of everyone I could have possibly wanted it from (even from the rest of Wretched Remorse) I felt like I could do whatever I thought coming here would accomplish. Evan agreed that it would be best if he rode with the rest of his band, because we didn’t think that the rest of A7X—even if my dad had set it all up—would take too kindly to Evan’s presence.

Not after what they witnessed the night before.

I sat between Jimmy and Johnny at the table on the way to the hospital, and I wasn’t exactly surprised to find that no one was particularly happy with Evan and his band tagging along with us, but either Matt had given them a talking to before I got on the bus, or they knew that he was one of the only things keeping me together at that moment. I hoped it was the latter, but I couldn’t be sure.

The smile on my face had since worn away; I could still feel its remnants and that was what kept me going. The chances of things working out—despite all odds—after all.

Walking into the hospital felt a whole lot more dramatic that it should have, this time with only Evan and my father by my side. Matt had his arm strung around my shoulders, and Evan was walking next to me on my other side, his hand twitching every so often as if he wanted to hold mine.
It didn’t seem like either of them were up for letting me go anytime soon. With what I’m about to do, though, I have to go it alone.

The secretary didn’t even bother to glance up at us this time, and I was thankful I didn’t have to deal with her again today. “I’m going to go back and see him—alone.”

Matt’s reassurance was silent, he caught my gaze for several moments to be sure I knew what I was doing, before he nodded and retreated back to sit in the waiting area. He was giving me room to breathe, which may have been what I needed all along.

Evan, however, was a different story. He glanced between Matt’s retreating figure and me several times, debating. As time started to tick by I began to grow nervous, too. If he wasn’t sure about this, there must have been a reason behind it. “You don’t have to do this alone, Payton. I’m here for you.”

“I know. And you’ll be here as soon as I get back—right?” I tried, and really, that particular thought was the only one that was holding me together, and I meant it in much more than the literal sense.

“Right.”

“I won’t be long, I promise.” I said, turning away from him before I could change my mind and chicken out.

I walked deliberately slow, gathering my thoughts, wondering what I could possibly say to my comatose best friend that would make everything better. And when I got to the Intensive Care Unit and paused, several feet away from Tyler’s bed, I still didn’t have an answer.

Because there was no magical word I could say to make all of this go away. I could rewind a year and a half or so and make everything better, what was done was done, and while I felt guilty there was nothing I could do about it, other than learn from my mistakes.

That was definitely what I’d done… and a lot of it, too.

Not everything in the past year had been bad, and I didn’t want to erase all of it solely for that fact. I didn’t want to erase Evan, or the tour. Or even my rocky relationship with Matt, because I knew in my heart it was all bringing me somewhere for a reason.

Hesitantly, I approached his side. The breathing tube stuck down his throat looked more painful than ever, and if I stayed here too long the noises from all the machines hooked up to him would drive me insane. For the moment, I blocked all of it out.

I don’t know what I’d been expecting when I gently lifted his hand to hold in mine, but it wasn’t the oddly cool, clammy feel of his skin or the dead weight of his arm. I nearly went into panic when his fingers didn’t instinctively wrap around my hand, as they had done before so many times.

Then I told him all I’d been dying to say—all I should have said when I had the chance. “I’m sorry, Tyler,” Speaking his name, he should have opened his eyes. He should have looked up at me, even in his state at the hospital, because the Tyler I used to know was dreadfully optimistic, and told me that everything was going to be fine.

But he didn’t, and that just further concreted the situation for me.

More tears sprang to my eyes. Despite everything, I still felt like I could tell him anything. “It’s not like I can take it back, Ty. I could have been easier on you—we both could have been easier on each other.”

I tried not to remember the night he left, the events that had taken place, but I couldn’t help it. It had been the last time I ever thought I’d see him, but now this… in a hospital bed? That was never what I wanted. I remembered the ultimatum I’d given him: me or drugs. He chose drugs, but was that any reason for me to abandon him like I had?

Sure, he didn’t make things easy for me. Could he really have been rational at that point though, hopped up on drugs back at that club?

“Look, we’re both not completely at fault here, but we’re not blameless in this either,” I didn’t care if anything thought I was crazy talking to an unconscious kid. I had to get this out once and for all, before it was too late. Tears sprung to my eyes, and this time I didn’t bother trying to hold them in. “We could have tried harder. We could have given each other another chance. But Tyler… I feel like, no matter how many chances we could have—should have—would have given each other,”

I closed my eyes, shutting them tight as the tears squeezed out and ran down my face relentlessly. I brought his hand closer, almost cradling it with both of mine. “The outcome would have always been the same.”

“You’re right.”

My breath hitched in my throat at hearing that voice. It had been one I’d only heard a few times before, but I knew him. I knew him because he was the reason my best friend was in the hospital, the reason Tyler got into drugs in the first place. I knew it.

Slowly, I gently placed Tyler’s hand back at his side, making sure the IV was still properly in place and tried to steady my breathing. Then, I turned around to face the monster standing just a few feet away from me.

Luke.