We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

Things were tense the next morning, and I honestly hadn’t the slight clue as to why Matt was giving me an odd look when Dannii and I stumbled downstairs at noon for somelunch breakfast. All he did was give Dannii a tight smile and a nod before retreating to the living room.

I was fully clothed. My hair didn’t look like a bird had nested in it for once, so in my book I was good and I just ignored his strange behaviour.

It wasn’t until I was seeing Dannii out about an hour after we had finished breakfast—her mother had called for her—that I started to get a little nervous about what Matt could have been thinking about. “See you later, on MSN ‘kay?” I said, grinning as I have Dannii a hug goodbye.

Truthfully, I was only half listening to her as my thoughts were focused on Matt, who was still in the living room. All I was focusing on was getting back up stairs because obviously, something was on his mind. Something that he more than likely wanted to talk about.

To concrete my reason to be worried even further, everyone else, even Val, had taken up residence on the back patio. Now, that wasn’t anything out of the norm in the slightest, but what was odd about was that Matt hadn’t joined them. And that usually only happened when he wanted to talk to me alone.

As if I didn’t have enough to worry about, what with my impending doom in school tomorrow that would surely make a trip to hell seem like taking a leisurely stroll through the old lady’s perfume section in a department store.

“Payton? C’mere for a sec, would you?”

Having a ‘talk’ or even getting into an argument with Matt (yes, we were getting along a lot better those days, but that wasn’t to say we didn’t still have our ups and downs) was not in my list of things to do that day. I just wanted to go up to my room, squirrel away with my guitar, and continue with my worrying about school the next day in peace.

At first, I tried to ignore him and set one foot on the first step of the stairs, my gut filling with uneasy anticipation. If he knew me like he thought he did, he would know that I wasn’t going in there without at least a little bit of a fight.

Even from out in the foyer, I could hear him heave a long, almost exhausted sigh. “I’ll just come up and get you if you go to your room.”

I too let out a sigh similar to his, rolling my eyes as I turned away from the staircase in defeat. However, I did not go any further than that, I simply stared at the archway of the living room as if it would swallow me whole if I even went near it.

In the few short seconds I had before Matt began to get even more frustrated with me, I started working through all the possibilities. Really, there were only two. I was either in trouble, or we were going to have the talk I’d been so worried about. Neither of those possibilities was even remotely appealing to me.

Finally, I groaned and made my way into the living room, not wanting to prolong this anymore than I already had. I just wanted to get it over with, but that didn’t mean I was going to make it as hard as possible for Matt to get through.

Once I dragged myself over to the sofa across from him, I nose-dived onto it and looked at Matt with a bored expression. No, I was not going to make this easy for him. I didn’t like how worried he always was about me. I know he probably couldn’t help it, but damn, it gets annoying after a while.

He merely quirked an eyebrow at my hostile behaviour, seeming to have grown even more tense than he had been earlier. “So,” He started slowly, as if he didn’t want to tell me what he was going to say next. “We’re... going on tour after the holidays.”

With a gasp, I immediately dropped my nasty attitude and jumped up from the sofa. “Holy shit, are you serious? Can I come?!” I demanded, bouncing on my feet giddily. If I had known this was what he had wanted to talk about, I would have been much more receptive.

Still, he was unfazed by my reaction, and only pursed his lips as he stared at me, almost as if he were trying to will me to say something else. His hand reached out to something on the floor, and I instantly knew why he wasn’t joining in on the excitement with me.

In his hand, he held my backpack. And if I remembered correctly, none of its contents would help me in my mission of going on tour with the guys. A wave of shear panic mixed with disappointment wracked my body, causing me to quietly sit back on the sofa.

Silently, I watched as he fished a small stack of papers that had once resided crumbled up in the bottom of my backpack. They had since been smoothed out and put back together. I shrunk back and swallowed loudly at the sight. Okay, so I was most definitely in trouble.

He tossed them onto my lap after he got up, standing in front of my with his arms crossed. I refused to look up at him or at the papers on my lap, so I settled for tracing the leather stitching on the sofa.

“What are they?” He asked quietly, and I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he pointed down at them. “What are they?” He repeated, a little louder when I didn’t answer.

I decided then that like usual, I would try and put up my tough exterior. “Tests.” I managed to squeak out, hating how meek my voice sounded. I was finding it increasingly difficult to hold up my hard-headed facade because honestly, I felt like I was about to cry. Not because I’d been caught with a bunch of flunked tests that Matt had no prior knowledge about, but because I knew that I more than likely wasn’t going to be allowed to go on tour.

After emitting another long, exasperated sigh, he ran his hand down his face and sat back down on ‘his’ sofa. “I don’t even know where to begin, Patey.” He said, after letting a few moments of silence pass.

“They’re—they’re just a couple of tests, Matt. It’s only October—er, November.” I said, my words coming out jumbled as I continued to try and hold back tears.

Really, I hadn’t thought it was a big deal. Up until then, at least. I wanted to kick myself for being lazy at the start of the year with the notion that I was going to catch up eventually. I should have known that Matt was going to go bat-shit over it.

But again, I couldn’t say I was really worried about my grades, not specifically. I wasn’t going to be allowed to go on tour. The guys had been a wonderful, amazing and welcomed distraction from my thoughts over the past few months.

What was I going to do without them? What was I going to do without them? The question seemed to be all I could think about. I wondered what it would be like not to hear both Jimmy and Johnny’s banter throughout the house, not to have Brian andhis sidekick Zacky there to annoy me at the worst of times. And most of all, what would it be like without Matt there?

Sure, I may not have exactly liked talking to him, but I couldn’t deny that it helped me no matter how little of it we actually spoke about. I was almost hyperventilating at the thought of them leaving for a couple of months—maybe even more—without me.

“They’re not just a couple of tests, Payton,” Matt said sharply, snapping me out of my trance. “Report cards are coming up next month, and how do you think you’re gonna get your grades up in time?”

That was next to impossible, but I sure as hell wasn’t about to tell him that. I momentarily ignored his question, my thoughts still racing. “Matt—dad, come on. You’re still gonna let me go on tour right? Right?” I asked hurriedly, gingerly placing the stack of paper aside. I needed to know this before the conversation went any further.

“You could do online schooling, but Patey, that would be hard enough even if your grades were where they should be. It’d just be that much tougher going on tour, dealing with our crazy schedule, and trying to get your grades up on top of that.” He paused and I closed my eyes, it being the only way I could then contain my tears.

“Matt, please. Please let me go on tour with you.” I said, it seeming to be all I could get out and I had always hated begging.

“Payton, I just... I just don’t see how that’s gonna be possible. I'm sorry.” His eyes and tone had softened considerably when he heard me, and the worst part was he didn’t even know how much this was going to affect me.

His words made it final. They were going on tour, and they were going to leave me behind. I wasn’t able to listen to him anymore, I couldn’t even look at him. I just got up and held my hand to the side of my face so he couldn’t see that I was crying.

Usually, I would have made a dramatic departure, yelled a few profanities, or at least argued with Matt a little before I locked myself in my room. But that day, I got up as quietly as my worried, scared feet would let me and hurried up to my room—crying the entire way as I ignored Matt’s worried calls for me.