We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

The weeks leading up to Christmas were pretty eventful for the Avenged family. Their album was coming out in the first week of January, and they were having quite a bit of fun teasing the fans with releasing their very first single off of the album early. Consequently, they'd been doing quite a few interviews and other PR crap, which didn't leave much time for Matt to interrogate me when it came to how I 'felt' about things.

On one hand, I was slightly thankful that he hadn't been around because you could tell he was constantly worried about me, which then made me worried about what he could be so concerned over. It honestly made me wish there was a time when he wasn’t worried about me. On the other, I really did miss him. As stressful as our talks usually were, I didn't mind them as long as they didn't result in a fight.

However, I'd taken it all in stride, when I was downstairs around everyone at least.

It was a Friday night, and I only had one more week of school left before holidays started. Then, almost immediately after the album was released, we were going to begin touring. Just a few hours earlier, I'd gotten my last test back before Christmas break, and I'd passed with a B+. Officially in the clear, I could finally say for certain I was going on tour.

"Something on your mind?" Matt asked as I entered the living room, noticing that I held my hands behind my back. A bottle of Guinness was perched in his hand on the armrest of the sofa. Usually he beat around the bush, but he could just be so straight-forward sometimes.

Out in the kitchen, I could hear Val softly humming to a Christmassy tune I wasn't able to recognize, and I momentarily admired the huge tree we'd put up earlier that night. This Christmas was turning out to be much better than last year’s, which was spent alone, crying in my room back home.

"No, not really," I said, a small smile dancing across my lips as I removed my hands from behind my back, throwing the small bundle of stapled paper onto his lap. A smile of his own broke out when he saw the mark on the first page, and he it turned into a grin as he abruptly stood up to hug me.

"You have no idea how proud I am of you, Patey," He said, still smiling when he pulled away. Then that familiar cloud was cast over his eyes when I sat down next to him on the sofa. "But I didn't even know about this test, which only proves that you aren't talking to me as much as you used to."

I stiffened at that, and refused to look at him as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Anything on your mind, huh?" He pressed, making my insides roll in apprehension. I didn't want to ruin the perfect night we, as in him, Val, and I, had planned out. We were going to watch a bunch of cheesy Christmas movies, and that was it. Simple, fun, and light hearted was exactly what I needed then. I didn’t want to get into an argument with him.

"Dad, really, you've just been so busy lately I didn't want to bother..." I trailed off when I finally looked up at him, noticing his gaze darkening when I'd uttered anything about him not having time for me.

At hearing this, he set his beer on the coffee table and adjusted himself so he was facing me, his eyes narrowed as he scrutinised my slightly nervous, slightly withdrawn exterior. “You know I’d drop everything if you asked me to, Payton,” His tone had become hard, reprimanding as he stared down at me with a stern expression which surely wasn’t going to help me in opening up to him.

Knowing I’d opened up a whole new can of worms, I sighed and ran a hand down my face, choosing my words as carefully as possible. “I know, I’m sorry... there’s just been a lot on my mind lately.” I mumbled, still feeling unwilling to admit that.

That was very true indeed, there was so much on my mind, and I couldn’t tell him half of it because he I knew he wouldn’t understand. I went with the half that I felt I was able to tell him, hoping I wouldn’t have to go into detail about it. “Tomorrow, my mom’s—it’ll be one year since...” I stammered, hating the fact that talking about it still brought tears to my eyes.
Yes, the very next day would mark an entire year since my mother’s accident. And it still was almost just as hard to talk about as it was just after it happened.

He let out a long sigh, bringing me into another hug. I relaxed into it, finding it to be much more comfortable when he couldn’t see the pain I was going through that was reflecting on my face. “I wish you didn’t have to go through any of this...” He mumbled into my hair, hugging me a little closer.

“Cookies are ready!” Val called from the kitchen, oblivious to the conversation Matt and I were having. I smiled slightly when we pulled away, and Matt laughed. In true Christmas spirit, Val had taken it upon herself to make Gingerbread cookies. How well they had turned out, I didn’t know, but everything she had cooked yet was decent so I had hopes of nibbling on a cookie or two during our movie marathon.

I hadn’t been lying when I told Matt what was on my mind. But as usual, there were other things on my mind too. Everything still felt so different without Tyler, I didn’t have any phone conversations to look forward to later that night or even the scattered email he used to sometimes send me. I missed them more than I could have ever imagined, and I still missed him even after all that he’d put me through. That probably made me a pushover, but I couldn’t change how I felt about my ex-best friend.

That being said, I couldn’t tell Matt how I felt about Tyler. It just wasn’t possible because to him, Tyler was just some punk who almost got his daughter into a truckload of serious shit. He wouldn’t understand that in losing Tyler, I’d lost another family member. He meant so much more to me than I’d been letting on.

How could Matt think I was taking that so easily? I never took anything easily. It just wasn’t in my character to do so, and Matt knew that.

“Yeah, just give us a minute babe!” Matt called, turning back to me. “Patey, is there anything else on your mind? You know you can come to me about anything...” He repeated, and then his expression turned nervous. “Except, you know, girly things, but you can go to Val or any of the girls or hell, even Jimmy for that.” He said, continuing to laugh lightly, but his expression was tired and worn as he talked. The only reason I could see it being was that he was constantly hammering the ‘you can talk to me about anything’ line into my head every chance he got.

“I know, Matt. I know.” I said, groaning as I leaned back into the couch. I couldn’t cover up how annoying that phrase had become for me over the past few months.

“They’re getting cold!” Val screeched, and I knew the cookies must have turned out good because it was obvious she really wanted us to try them.

Seeing that as an escape, I jumped up from the sofa with every intent to book it into the kitchen, but I froze on the spot when I saw what had previously gone unnoticed under the coffee table. I hadn’t laid my eyes on that familiar box since that weekend with Tyler, and just at my first glimpse of it, it was already bringing me to tears.

I glanced back at Matt as I waited for an explanation, my facial expression turning into the cold, tough exterior I was so used to wearing. Matt looked sheepish and worried at the same time. He stared up at me, eyes wide as he seemingly waited for me to blow up. “I’m sorry; it’s not a good time anymore. It was a bad idea to take them out in the first place,” He rambled, standing up so he could nudge the box even further under the coffee table and out of my sight.

Grabbing my wrist, he stopped me before I could run back up into the confines of my room. “We’re not going to watch them, Patey. It was just an idea, okay? We’re just gonna watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and all that good junk, alright?” He pleaded, knowing my plans of hiding up in my room all night because of one silly little box.

With a nod, I forced myself to smile and slowly removed my hand from his grip.

I had gotten what I wanted, I was going on tour, I had decent grades, and no one was going to surprise me with a bunch of old home videos later that night anymore. As we walked out into the kitchen and ate the cookies Val had slaved over, I pretended that nothing was really bugging me as much things were, and that I was as okay as I possibly could be. All the while, I couldn’t help but wonder why I was always pretending. Why couldn’t I ever just be happy for once?