We Knew That Time Would Kill Us

“Dannii, Dannii,” I gasped, patting her back as she hugged me, which only resulted in her squeezing me even tighter. “I'm gonna be fine, trust me.”

Abruptly, she pulled back and stared at me, her hands placed on her hips. “No drugs P-Body! No drinking either, and you absolutely must call me and tell me about every hot guy you meet!” She said, taking me by my shoulders and shaking me slightly as if to further prove how important it was.

Behind her, Matt paled considerably and glared at the back of Dannii's head, which only made me snort as I tried to hold back a laugh when Val openly laughed at the look on his face.

All of the guys and girls were seated either at the tables in the kitchen, on one of the two oddly-shaped bus sofas, or back in the bunk area doing things I didn't want to so much as think about. It was inching closer to eleven PM, and the band had gotten off stage a little over an hour ago and quickly retreated to the tour bus to say goodbye to their significant other.

Other than that, I ignored him because a strong sense of deja vu came over me as Dannii mentioned anything about drugs and alcohol. Consequently, my throat clogged as I once again recalled what happened the last time I left my best friend alone. It scared me how eerily similar our conversation was to the one I'd had with Tyler just over a year before (except, you know, he hadn't wanted to know about all the cute boys I ended up not meeting).

“I promise I will, Dannii. I'll call you every night okay?” I smiled slightly, unshed tears stinging the corners of my eyes.

I held up my strong facade though, repeatedly reminding myself that Dannii wasn't Tyler, she was so much stronger than he was. She could be pretty fierce when she wanted to be, and she never let anyone push her around like Tyler had. She wasn't going to get herself into anything she didn't want to get into, and if I knew her like I thought I did, she did not want to get into drugs. No, I definitely did not need to worry about Dannii like I had with Tyler.

“Alright, well, talk to you later P,” Dannii said, having to wipe her own tears as she laughed. Her mother was waiting in her car for her somewhere outside the bus, apparently impatiently.

“C'ya!”I called out feebly, hearing the bus door shut behind her.

Seeing that I was then free, Val got up from her seat beside Matt and expectantly held her arms out for me, to which I grinned and happily hugged her back just as enthusiastically as she was. It was really only setting in then, how much I would miss everyone, and it scared me how attached I'd become and how much I really did love my family. I kept telling myself though, it was only for two months. It wasn't as if it was a permanent thing I had to worry about.

“I'm gonna miss you P, but remember to have fun and listen to your dad got it?” She added when she let go, staring at me almost accusingly, but I could see the playful glint in her eye. I was willing to be that she only said that because Matt had asked her to.

Nodding, I laughed to cover up just how emotional I was feeling, and swayed slightly. This was just a little overwhelming for me, and I felt like I needed to lie down for at least a little while. Quickly, I did a headcount and determined that everyone was in the front of the bus and I wouldn't walk in on any sights worthy of throwing up over, so I quickly excused myself and headed back toward the bunks.

Just a few minutes earlier, Jimmy and Zacky had taken it upon themselves to show Dannii and I around the bus, and Dannii ended up thoroughly enjoying the tour she'd gotten of the bus, while I had just been noting how small-ish it was. I mean, yes, it was a huge effing tour bus, but then I started thinking about how I was going to have to spend the next two entire months there, and the claustrophobic feeling had quickly begun to set in.

The bunks were a little different than I'd been expecting them to be. Instead of just two--on on top of the other--there were three, which only gave each bunk less head space than there would have been under normal circumstances. I couldn't say I was ecstatic when I learned that, but still, this was what I wanted. I was still stoked to be going on tour with them, even if it meant feeling like I was sleeping in a casket.

My bunk happened to be in the middle, placed above Matt's and under Jimmy's (I could only imagine what he was capable of doing to me at such a height), while Syn's, Johnny's and Zacky's were across from the set of bunk I was in. Once I climbed up into my bunk with just a little difficulty and closed the 'privacy' curtain, I buried my head into the pillow, breathing in the detergent scent of the fresh pillowcase.

This was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. It was scaring me more and more by the minute, actually, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to hold my tears back. It was also terrifying how emotional I'd gotten over the past year, too, but there wasn't much that could have been done about that.

Two months, hopefully an exciting two months, and then I'd be back home and everything would be as it was before we left—near perfect.

"Yo, P, are you okay?" I heard Zacky ask directly across from me, and I jumped at the sound of his voice, wondering how long he'd been there, or exactly how long I'd zoned out.
When I didn't answer quickly enough, I heard him get down from his bunk and walk the few feet over to mine, while I hurried wiped my cheeks just in case I'd accidentally let any tears fall. He peeked in through the curtain slightly, and I opened it the rest of the way for him.

“Yeah, no,” I began, mumbling slightly as I slipped past him out of the bunk. “I'm just going to go for a walk, okay?”

After he heard that, all Zacky had to do was take one look at my face and it was obvious he knew something was up with me. I really have to get back to hiding my emotions as well as I used to, because Zacky was quickly following after me, already calling out to Matt. “Yo Shadows! Your kid thinks she's going for a midnight stroll!”

Thanks, Zacky.

Matt was up out of his seat as soon as he heard anyone say anything about 'his kid'. I quickly shook my head, making a face at Zacky as he sat down next to Gena. “I'll only be gone for a few minutes—just for some fresh air okay?” I asked expectantly, hoping he wouldn't make a huge fuss out of something so small.

For a moment, he studied me, crossing his arms over his chest as he rose a questioning eyebrow. By then, everyone was staring at me. “Alright,” He said, looking as if he couldn't believe he was agreeing to it. “But stay in the venue. Have your phone on and be back in fifteen minutes, 'cause we're hauling out in twenty. Got that?”

Everyone looked completely shocked that he'd just agreed to letting me go out alone, while and I was just relieved that for once, he wasn't taking the 'over-protective dad' role so seriously at that moment. “Got it.” I said, a small grin forming on my lips at my accomplishment. I wasn't going to fuck this up. I was going to be back in fifteen minutes, just like Matt asked.

Sending one last triumphant glance at Zacky, I was out of the bus in four seconds flat. I sucked in a deep breath of the cool January air, no longer feeling like I was going to suffocate under my family's curious, worried stares, and hugged my jacket a little tighter. It was cold out.

Not knowing where I was going, I began walking back toward the venue, where the doors leading to backstage were. A security guard was still guarding the door, and I had to flash him my pass before he let me go through. There weren't many people around, a few straggling roadies were there, hurriedly packing up the last of the equipment, but that was it. I passed the couch I'd taken up residence on earlier and went straight to the stage, straight to the place where my father and his band had embarrassed the life out of me.

The arena looked completely different with no sea of screaming kids looking up at me, and the silence was peaceful. I walked to the very edge of the stage, sitting down so my legs were dangling over the edge of the stage. From where I was, it seemed like it was a long way down to the bottom, and then the barrier started. It looked like it could have been easily ten feet, and I definitely did not want to fall down that.

Once again, I'd gotten what I'd wanted. I was alone, yet I didn't feel any better. I let out a shaky breath and held my head in my hands as the first of the tears started. If I was going to cry, I had to make it quick because I knew my tear-stained face would be the first thing Matt'd notice when I got back.

For a moment, I didn't even know what I was crying about. Was I crying about leaving half of my family and best friend behind, was I crying about my mother, or was I crying for my ex best friend? Was I crying for all of them? This was the first time in a while that I'd been alone, and it felt nice to finally let loose on all the feelings I'd been holding in for the last while.

When I was on the verge of being hysteric, I stopped abruptly and gently wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie, knowing that if I was rough with doing so, it would just make my eyes that much redder.

I waited another few minutes, calming down considerably and I felt foolish for letting go as much as I just did. I'd just wasted about ten minutes of my 'free' time, and I knew I had to leave then to make it back to the bus on time, so I stood up and quickly turned around, ready to leave the venue as quickly as I had entered it.

“Whoa!” Someone said, just before I ended up crashing into them. I stumbled back a few steps and found my self teetering on the edge of the stage, unbearably close to losing my balance and falling all the way down to the floor of the arena. My shoulders were grabbed before I could do that though, and they literally picked me up, only putting me down when I was a safe distance away from falling to my death.

Some lights were still on, and I found it hard to pick out their face as one just luckily happened to be glaring straight into my eyes. I was seething with rage at the person who had more than likely been spying on me, and glared up at them even though I had no idea who it was. “Watch what you're doing, ass—” I interrupted myself when they stepped closer, and found myself close to blushing when I saw exactly who it was.

“You might wanna be more careful,” Blond-haired, hazel-eyed kid with the nose ring said. “I mightn't be there to catch you next time.” He sounded just as cocky as the wink and smirk he'd sent me before had been, but there was no denying how flustered he'd just made me. As unbearably arrogant this guy seemed to be, he was good looking.

Nonetheless, I refused to show the reaction he'd gotten for me, and rolled my eyes. “ Well you shouldn't sneak up on people, next time they might have a more violent reaction.”

He held his hands up in a defensive gesture, beginning to give me a glare of his own. Just as he opened his mouth to say something, I quickly turned on my heel and began making my way to the side of the stage. I really was late to get back to the bus then, and as tempting as it was, I wasn't going to stay around and converse with overbearing, over-confident, good looking guys. That just wasn't a good combination. I'd promised Val I wouldn't get in any trouble, and this practically spelled it.

I was somewhat surprised once I got back stage, the rest of the guys from that opening band had littered themselves over the two sofas, looking fresh-faced and just out of the shower. The thick smell of Axe body spray lingered in the air. They barely even noticed my presence until the hyper, tiny guy from earlier literally popped up in front of me.

“Hi,” He started, bouncing up and down as he shook his wet hair out everywhere., grinning at me. If he weren't so cute (in a weird, little-kid sort of way) I would have been scared. “I'm Noah!”

“Uh... Payton,” I replied, unsure of whether or not I should have told him my name. Suddenly, he crushed me into a hug, his gangly arms surprisingly had quite a bit of force to them. I gasped and awkwardly patted his back, trying to get away from him as quickly as possible.

Before I had to do anything drastic to get away from him, a pair of large, muscular arms curled around his waist and he was roughly pulled back from me. It was the huge dude who had been trying to calm him down earlier that night, and I was guessing that he considered keeping this kid calm part of his job.

“I'm Brett,” He introduced himself quickly, then tried to get a better hold on the much smaller, struggling kid. “Sorry about Noah. He's just bored 'cause he doesn't have any math problems left to solve.”

Noah stopped moving, and pouted up at Brett as if he'd just been slapped across the face. Brett seemed to take this as a good sign, and let Noah go. After sulking around for a minute, Noah ended up collapsing onto a free space on the sofa, glaring at Brett. He abruptly got a whole lot more cheerful.

“That's Oliver,” Noah said, pointing across from him where the brown hair guy sat, still twirling a pair of drumsticks. “He's quiet, the scary kind of quiet if you ask me, but he's really nice once you get to know him. I promise!” Noah looked just as cheerful as he had been prior to the indecent with Brett, and Oliver sent me a small, bored smile.

Why were they introducing everyone to me? I was trying to leave, couldn't they see that? I shouldn't have been there. If Matt found out that I'd even spent three seconds with them, he'd more than likely have a conniption. “I—I have to—”

“Sit!” Noah interrupted me harshly, yet I could see a playful glint in his eye. “C'mon! Next to me!”

A few minutes couldn't hurt, could it? After all, when had I ever followed Matt's rules and really listened to him? He'd want me to have more friends, wouldn't he? “Again,” Brett said when I hesitantly agreed to sit down next to Noah. “Ignore Noah, Oliver's just a bit of a wallflower.”

“And that's Evan!” Noah burst out suddenly, pointing at the cute guy that had almost knocked me off the stage, who was then staring at me with his arms crossed. For the most part, I ignored his presence. The rest of these guys seemed cool, and they were definitely people I could see myself hanging out with for the rest of the tour.

“Why are you guys still here?” I asked, looking around slightly. This time, no roadies were in sight.

Evan obviously thought I was talking to him. “Since we're driving a beater of a van for the tour, we're taking advantage of every venue's showers,” He sent me another wink and a grin as he said this, making me grimace, and even more so when he sat down next to me. “So, you got a boyfriend or what?”

I was choking on my own breath at this. Who in their right mind would ask something like that to a person they'd only just met, and be so unbearably blunt about it? Before I could embarrass myself even further by yammering out my answer, Brett smacked him upside the head and glared down at him.

Just as that went down, my phone began vibrating in my pocket and I hurriedly reached for it, seeing a worried text from Matt. I was ten minutes late by then. Before I could reply, Noah had my phone snatched from me and was hurriedly typing something into it. I just hoped he wasn't saying something to Matt, and quickly stood up from my seat. Saying I was eager to get out of there was putting it lightly.

“Listen, I have to go,” I started my eyes flickering to everyone but Evan. “I'll uh—I'll see you guys later...” I trailed off lamely, giving Noah a pointed look.

He got off the couch and thankfully, gave me my phone back without and further prodding. “I gave you my number bitch! Text me!” He said in a gangster voice, but it sounded more like it was crossed with a southern chick's accent.

“Okay,” I said, laughing slightly. This kid reminded me a little of Jimmy, always happy-go-lucky and looking to make everyone's day a little better and funnier. I sent a wave in their general direction before all but sprinting out the back door and across the deserted parking lot, and when I got back I was surprised to see that all the guys but Matt had retired to the bunks.

The girls had left, and I hadn't gotten a real chance to say goodbye to them. I felt absolutely horrible about that. “Where were you?” Matt asked, looking like he hadn't moved an inch since I left with his arms crossed and all.

“I was just looking around the stage and stuff,” I said, trying to sound as casual as possible, but my phone in my pocket, with Noah's number in it, seemed to be weighing me down. “Sorry I'm so late, I just got caught up. It's amazing.”

I had to lie, he would surely have went bat-shit if he knew I'd been hanging out with the group of boys he's been talking so lowly of. Thankfully, he seemed to buy this and pointed back toward the bunks were. “You look exhausted. Get some sleep.”

As I joined the rest of the guys in the bunk area and climbed as quietly as possible into mine, I realized that I felt worse than I had before I left. Wasn't the point of going out in the first place supposed to make me feel a little better, to calm myself down a bit? But no, I'd lied to Matt again, I'd kept something from him after all the times I promised I wouldn't ever again.

This tour was off to an amazing start.