Here Comes the Sun

I tried to wake up from the nightmare, tried to snap out of the trance. But in the back of my mind, I knew it was all real. I knew what was about to happen. I knew I was alone. No one was there to help me. Anyone who had heard us was most likely too afraid to do anything, but I was angry no one had called for help. It took two seconds to pick up the phone and call the police. But no help came. There was no chance after that – I had been dragged helplessly to the side of the building in a small alley where absolutely no one could hear me.

That would be the end of me.

I heard the sound of another car door opening. My body was thrown backwards onto a cold leather cushion – it was his backseat. His loud, violent voice was screaming at me to shut up. I was crying and shaking, scared to death about what was about to happen.

“You make this so fucking easy, you little whore.”

I shut my eyes as tight as they would go, praying that it would be over quick. There was no point in fighting him, but I still did. He was too strong. He pinned me down so hard, I could barely breathe.

I felt my clothes being torn off. He became frustrated with all the layers. He didn’t stop clawing his way through until he felt bare skin, and even then he scratched me until I bled. I just laid there in my underwear, crying hysterically as he marveled over my body. His hands were all over me, touching every last inch. I just wanted him off. I regretted ever going back to Jersey. I regretted being so naïve about the situation in the first place. I had fallen right into his trap and I’d taken people I loved with me.

I just couldn’t believe it.

“Stop fucking screaming!”

I felt a hard bang and realized it was my head being slammed against the tinted window. I lost my voice with it, droning in and out of consciousness. I was ice cold inside and out.
I had no faith that I would survive.

He was absolutely thrilled and completely intoxicated over the fact he was having his way yet again. He was rough – rougher than the time before. He didn’t bother with his own clothing. That didn’t seem to matter to him. He just undid his belt and zipper, just a second away from the most painful part. I bit my lip hard, tasting blood.

But suddenly, completely out of the blue, I felt the weight lift off my body. He stopped just before the worst. I could call it nothing but luck – nothing but destiny. My prayers had been answered. I couldn’t even think of a reason why. My brain was throbbing too hard to even function.

I felt him pull violently on my arm and I fell to the ground, the icy road under my skin. I heard the door slam shut and the engine come alive, then the tires began turning.

I thought he was going to run me over.

But instead, he had just driven away.

I didn’t even stop to take in what had just happened. I couldn’t stop myself from shaking and the sobbing continued even when my tears ran out.

I felt dirty. Worthless. I deserved to be thrown away like a piece of trash.

I was alone. Used. Violated. Abandoned.

Again.

I shivered, freezing in my flimsy underwear. I was thankful he’d kept that much on. Every inch of my skin had goosebumps, either from the cold or the fear. Beside me were my jeans – I guessed they had fallen on the floor when he’d ripped them off. They had blood smeared on them. I put them on with quivering fingers, barely able to do the zipper. I stood up slowly, afraid my legs would give out. I kept stumbling. I had no energy.

But I had to find Joe.

I walked unsteadily back to the parking lot, holding my torso. It felt like everything was so far away. It wasn’t until I heard my name being called in the distance that I had some ounce of faith I’d be okay.

“KARA!”

My head ached too hard for me to find the origin of the voice. I seized walking and fell to my knees, exhausted. I heard footsteps in the distance.

“KARA! NICK, SHE’S OVER HERE!”

I felt two arms wrap around my back.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Joe said to me soothingly. His hands were filled with blood, cut so deeply I was shocked he wasn’t screaming out in pain.

“J-Joe… Your hands,” I managed to say shakily.

“I didn’t do it in time. But I broke through the window,” he said, wincing.

“KARA! OH, MY GOD. KARA!”

I heard Nick’s voice and my heart almost exploded. I thought I would never hear it again. I could almost smile.

“Nick…” I tried to scream.

He finally reached us and dropped to his knees, taking me in his arms. I wanted him to hold me as close to him as possible – and he did.

“Kara. Oh, God. Kara,” he sobbed. He pulled me onto his lap and I completely collapsed, crying uncontrollably. He didn’t even bother trying to silence me – he was crying himself.

“You’re freezing.” He let go of me briefly as he took off his jacket and wrapped me in it tightly. The warmth of it mixed with his sweet scent brought me comfort. I took a deep, unsteady breath and leaned into him.

The three of us stayed like that for a long time, crying in each others’ arms in the middle of the street. I saw two cars drive towards us – one was police, one was ours. But I didn’t care.

I was with Nick and Joe.

And I was alive.

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“Alyssa, this is the worst thing that could have possibly happened. I can’t believe this.”

Joe was sitting at the desk, talking on the phone with Officer Alyssa. He could barely hold his iPhone through the thick bandages wrapped around his hands. We’d spent hours at the hospital, but we were finally back at the hotel.

“Yeah, the police car is still out there looking out for us. But how do you expect us to feel safe? This is ridiculous. We just went across the street for a friggin’ burger.”

He was always on the verge of tears with every word he said. He couldn’t bear to look at me – he was ashamed.

“Nick’s a wreck. And she’s…There aren’t even words.”

Nick hadn’t said a word since we’d gotten back. He just held me tightly, never willing to let me go. His face was pale and completely emotionless – he was just blank. I was thankful he was holding me. If he didn’t, I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep myself upright.

Officer Alyssa asked Joe another question. I watched as he hesitated for a moment, turned his chair away from me, and began crying, holding his head in his hands. He did that every few minutes.

I was torn. I was desperate to be close to Nick – I needed to feel his skin against mine and hear his heart, even if it was beating a thousand beats an minute. I needed him to keep me together.

But at the same time, I needed to get in the shower. I felt dirty and I could still feel hands all over me. I didn’t want to be me anymore. I wanted a different body – one that hadn’t been tortured and violated so many times. I wanted to jump out of my skin and start all over. I didn’t want to feel like trash anymore.

“Nick,” I whispered, speaking for the first time since we left the hospital.

He barely moved, turning his head just enough to look at me. I looked into his eyes and it was so bad, I started crying.

Compared to Nick’s face that night, the ghost was nothing. His eyes were in pure agony, screaming out at me that he had given up. Rimmed with tears, they scarred me forever. I didn’t know his beautiful face could ever express such pain.

He didn’t say a word.

“I...” I had to fight for every syllable. My voice sounded distant and strained. “I need to get him off. I need…I need to take a shower and – and get these clothes off because…because I can still feel him, Nick. I still feel him on me. He – he needs to get off.”

Nick shut his eyes tightly, tensing up at my words. His breaths quickened.

“Will you…will you come with me?”

He gulped hard and opened his eyes, wiping tears away with his free hand. He said nothing. He just stood up slowly, taking me with him. I stumbled as he walked me to the bathroom.

There were no words for what we had gone through. We couldn’t say anything after that. I knew that if either of us did, we would fall apart. We needed to stay strong for our own sakes – but we were already well on our way to collapsing at any second.

I insisted on keeping the door open, scared for Joe. Nick ruffled through the linen closet and hung a fresh towel on the wall. He searched for shampoo and other things I would need aimlessly. I watched him closely. He was anything but himself. His eyes saw but didn’t focus. His mind was somewhere else, somewhere far away. He was always holding his breath, afraid that if he let himself go, he wouldn’t get himself back. I had never seen him like that before. It tore me up inside.

“Nick…”

He stopped what he was doing but didn’t look at me. He messed with the hem of his shirt.

“Nick, look at me.” I never unwrapped my arms from my torso – I needed them to stay together. “Please,” I begged him.

He continued to look down at the floor, letting out a giant breath and then holding it again.
I walked clumsily to him and cupped his face.

“Breathe,” I told him.

He held both my hands with his and touched our foreheads. Finally, he began breathing normally. He looked into my eyes and tears fell down his face in streaks.

“Please don’t cry,” I said, wiping them away, “If you cry, then I’m going to cry.”

He tried to steady himself, but I knew he wanted to sob long and hard.

“I’m…I’m so sorry,” he said thickly. He wanted to say more but couldn’t. He was shaking with anger and fear and regret and every horrible emotion there was.

I let him cry for a while. He needed it. But after a few minutes, he shook himself back to reality and tensed up again, hiding behind his shell. He was back to not saying a word.
He walked over to the shower and turned it on, letting the water heat up. He turned to me and looked at my clothes – I was still in my jeans and his jacket. I couldn’t bear to take them off at the hospital and change into a gown in front of everyone.

But with Nick, it was different.

He eyed me cautiously at first, not wanting to hurt me. I just nodded and let him help me. I unbuttoned my jeans and kicked them off as he unzipped the jacket. Once it was off, I regretted letting him even be in the room.

He took one look at me and his face turned to horror.

“Kara…” he whispered in pain.

I didn’t want to look down and see how bad it was, but I knew what was there – scratches so deep, the blood had dried in a downward trail. I could feel the painful bruises on my sides and every muscle was sore. Nick was so shocked, he had to look away.

I tried to hide most of the wounds with my arms, but he had seen enough already. He hid his eyes from me and took a moment to gather himself together. I knew he was trying his hardest not to show how he really felt. He was angry, upset, disappointed, ashamed – I predicted him feeling over a million different emotions at once. When he finally looked back up at me, his expression was pained, but the hard shell had returned again. There was no getting past it.

“Let’s get you in before you catch cold,” he said softly.

I nodded weakly. He helped me strip off my underwear and unwrap the thick white bandage from around my head. I had been hit so hard against the car window, I needed stitches. He held me as I got into the hot shower. The water burned my skin. But after a few minutes, it began to feel good. I wet my hair gently, wincing when it touched the wound, and grabbed the bar of soap, scrubbing myself furiously. I was desperate to get the feeling off. I felt like if I scrubbed hard enough, it would go away.

I didn’t stop scrubbing until the soap had shriveled down to the size of a peanut and fell between my fingers. My skin burned and my body ached to the bone, but I felt clean. I washed my hair and finished off with body wash, just to be safe. The stings on my skin replaced the feeling of his hands on me – I was more than thankful of that.

When I turned off the water and stepped out onto the cold floor, I saw Nick sitting down against the door, holding my towel. His head was in his hands as he pulled at his hair uneasily.

“Nick?” I said softly. Tiny drops of water fell from my body to the floor.

He continued to hide from me as he wiped his face, but once finally looked up, we both winced. I was shocked by his bloodshot eyes. He was shocked by, well, everything else.

“Shit, Kara,” he whispered sharply as he stood up, walking towards me, “What did you do to yourself? You’re red.”

I shivered as he wrapped me in the towel, holding me against him. My skin continued to burn like fire, but the pain felt good. It reminded me I was still alive even though my heart felt as though it was barely beating.

“Why did you do that?” he asked me as he ran a smaller towel through my hair. “Why did you hurt yourself?”

“It doesn’t hurt,” I lied.

“How can it not? You look burnt.” He dried my face gently.

I sighed. “At least I got him off, Nick.”

He had nothing to say to that. He softly patted my skin dry, barely even touching me. I could tell he was afraid that if he touched me too hard or in the wrong place, he’d hurt me. He was always shaking with uncertainty. Holding me was hard enough for him. But his touch was different from the rest. I never doubted him.

“I’ll go get some clothes,” he said quietly, setting me on the lid of the toilet and walking out.

Once he returned, he helped me to dress into his shorts and sweatshirt. He knew that his clothes would be better for me than my own. The scent and feel of the oversized fabric was comforting to me.

I ran a comb through my hair gently and Nick helped me dress my wound. I walked out of the bathroom with a stronger, clearer head on my shoulders. Without the feel of him on me, my thoughts were no longer fogged. I knew better than anyone that the situation was bad – very, very bad. Nick and Joe were both in trances. There was no snapping them out of it. The anger and guilt inside them was too great for me to even imagine. Even I was disturbed and scared to death, but deep in my heart I knew I couldn’t let it show. I knew it could have been a lot worse. Something had distracted and scared him enough to leave, but what? I couldn’t fathom an answer. I was just thankful.

Nick sat me down on a chair and offered me dinner, but I refused. He hadn’t eaten himself – none of us had. Quite frankly, food looked atrocious to me again. The last thing I had eaten had been the French fries. I doubted I would ever eat them again.

Hours of silence passed. None of us said a word. I knew the quiet wasn’t good for us. It allowed our minds to wander too much. That’s why I was glad when Joe finally fell asleep. I pulled the covers over him and kissed his pale, tear-stained cheek. I never thought his face could display such pain. When I looked at him, I knew that was how all of us looked – broken.

I lay down beside Nick and took his hand. His skin was ice cold and his eyes wouldn’t move. He just stared out into nowhere, his eyes dark and wide as ever. He was a statue beside me, completely frozen.

I took a deep breath and hoped my voice would stay steady.

“I know the word ‘upset’ is an understatement,” I began. He was quick to shut his eyes tightly in pain. “I know what you’re thinking. You think this is your fault. You think that you’re a bad person because you swore never to let it happen again. I know this is tearing you up inside and the only reason you won’t speak to me is because you’re afraid you’ll fall apart.”

He squirmed uneasily.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There is nothing you could have done. It was beyond out of your hands. I tried to fight him off, Nick. I really did. I tried the best I could. I fought the hardest I could fight. But my best wasn’t good enough.”

He turned to look at me.

“I need you right now more than ever,” I whispered, feeling the tears surface, “I’m…I’m a mess, Nick. I’ll admit it. I can barely breathe. I can barely walk. I need you. I can’t do this by myself. You make me stronger. I look at you and for a moment, I forget. Only you have that power. You touch me and I feel…Nick, I feel like I can fly. Do you know what that feels like? I can’t do this alone. I need you to talk to me and be with me. Everything around me is chaos. I can’t be sure of anything anymore – my safety, where I’ll be tomorrow, if I’ll ever see my daughter again, if these bastards will ever be put behind bars. You’re the only certain thing in my life. You’re the one thing I believe in. It’s always been that way. I need you.”

His head cocked to the side slowly as his face morphed into one of pure heartache. He hid himself against my chest and cried so hard, his body shook in tremors. In a way, I was glad. He was letting out the pain he was fighting to keep bottled up inside him.

I held onto him tightly, caressing his hair. We cried together for what felt like hours. He was in pieces, clinging to me like I was going to disappear at any second. I had never seen him so vulnerable before.

When our sobs simmered, he took my face in his hands. No words were said. He just looked at me long and hard. What I would have given to know what was going through his mind at that very moment – what he was seeing, what he was planning. I could see the agony in his eyes reflecting back at me. Whatever pain he was feeling, I felt it as well. He leaned in slowly, gently brushing his lips against mine as they trembled. When he pulled away, his eyes remained closed. He rested his head against his pillow and fell asleep, never loosening his arms from around my waist.

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I knew I was dreaming. Somewhere in my subconscious, I knew what I was seeing wasn’t real. Eventually, I would wake up and realize reality was much more painful. Life was never that easy.

That’s why seeing her that night hurt so much.

She was wearing her lilac “Baby Jonas” t-shirt, kicking her legs out and smiling playfully. Her glowing face brought me so much comfort, I knew I was smiling in my sleep. I wanted so much to reach out, touch her, and hold her close where she belonged, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t.

So I just gazed at her, praying desperately that I would be able to see her soon. I wanted to sleep all day and be with her as long as I could. But I knew something was waiting for me in the real world.

I jerked myself awake and picked up my phone to check the time: 5AM. My eyes stung and my stomach growled. Everything, including my sleep cycle, was upside down. The room was pitch black. I thought of getting up for a glass of water, but my muscles had become even sorer by the hour. My head was pounding. At that point, I doubted I could even stand.

I shut my eyes tight, thinking I should just go back to sleep. There was no use staying awake – the boys were probably knocked out themselves. I felt my breaths slow and deepen as I relaxed.

But suddenly, the door swung open, illuminating the room so brightly, I had to shield my eyes with my arm.

“Thank God you’re awake!” Joe growled, running inside and throwing on a pair of jeans over his boxers.

“I wouldn’t really call this awake,” I groaned.

He turned to me and stared. I saw nothing but fear in his eyes. I shuddered. That look wasn’t something I could get used to. My heart sank.

“Joe…What is it?”

He let in a sharp, painful breath.

“Nick’s gone.”