Here Comes the Sun

My heart was racing faster than I thought possible. I had never been in such a state of panic before in my entire life. I could be raped a thousand times again, but nothing compared to the feeling of knowing something bad might have happened to Nick. He was my everything – I loved him more than words could say.

And I had no idea where he was.

“G-gone?” I stuttered at Joe, fighting my sore muscles enough to climb out of bed, “What do you mean ‘gone’? How can he just leave without us knowing?”

He ignored me, putting on more layers of clothes and throwing a flashlight and bottle of water into a backpack. His movements were clumsy and too quick.

“Joe? Where is he?” I repeated, desperate to get his attention.

But he didn’t even look at me. He was in another realm, completely zoned out.

“JOE! Talk to me for a second, damn it!” I screamed louder than I should have.

“I don’t know, okay? I have no idea! I just woke up and he wasn’t there. I have no idea where my little brother is or what’s even going on anymore, Kara. This is just crazy. All of this is crazy, alright? I am losing my fucking mind.” He paused, taking in a violent breath. “I have to go. I have to look for him. I have to find him.”

“I-I’m coming with you.”

“No,” he snapped, “No, you’re not. It’s not safe. Stay here in case he comes back.”

“Joe, you have to let me go,” I begged him, “You have to.”

“I won’t do that to you again, Kara! I just won’t! Just stay here and don’t leave the room. Do you hear me?”

“Joe,” I begged, feeling my voice break.

He grabbed his keys and walked out the door, slamming it hard behind him. I had to remind myself to breathe.

Wherever Nick was, I knew he wasn’t himself. For the past twenty-four hours, he’d been a shell of his former self. He barely moved, barely said a word. I knew he would do something he would regret. He would get his revenge one way or another.

Not knowing where he was or if he was safe brought me to my knees. I was in the dark. I tried to tell myself everything was okay and he had just gone for a walk. I told myself whatever I could to keep from losing my mind, but I was helpless. I didn’t know if I could take much more of it anymore. Coming back to Jersey started a chain reaction of events no one could have predicted. I knew it would take more than we could offer to rebuild what had been so tragically destroyed.

I must have waited for hours there against the wall, my head balanced on my knees. The pain was indescribable, both physically and mentally. To be quite honest, I was shocked I was still able to breathe. Part of me knew bad news was coming my way, yet I forced myself to hope for something better. I hoped that for once, I was just overreacting and he was fine. I held onto that hope for as long as I could.

But it disappeared the second my phone rang.

I stared at it wide-eyed for a moment in fear, unsure if I could handle the worst. I convinced myself to just answer it – I needed to know.

“H-hello?”

“Has he come back yet?” Joe’s voice was low over the receiver.

“No,” I whimpered.

“Shit,” he winced, “I went everywhere, even the old house. And nothing.”

Fresh tears poured down my face as the rush of disappointment ran through me.

“Try calling him,” he told me, “His phone might be dead, but he’s not answering my calls. Maybe he’ll answer yours.”

I took a deep, unsteady breath. “Okay.”

“And listen, don’t worry. I’m sure he’s alright. I just…I freaked earlier because I have a lot on my plate. We all do. But just relax, okay? He’s a big boy. He’ll turn up.”

I tried to listen, but I knew he didn’t believe in what he was saying any more than I did. But for his sake, I complied.

“Good girl. I love you, KC. Hang in there. Call me if you get any news.”

“You too,” I said shakily, “Bye.”

The second he hung up the phone, I rushed to hit speed dial and call Nick’s number, praying with all I had that he would answer. With every unanswered ring, my heart sunk lower and lower. I got a little too excited when I heard his voice on the other end, but I realized it was just his voicemail message.

“Hey, you’ve reached Nick. I’m probably busy right now or with Kara, so just leave a message and I’ll call you back. Bye.”

“Nick, baby, call me the second you get this, okay? Just, please. I have no idea where you are and Joe’s out on the streets looking for you like a madman. So call me as soon as you can. I need to hear your voice. I need to know you’re okay. I’m begging you. And wherever you are, please come home. You’re not in this alone, do you hear me? I love you. I love you so much. Call me.”

The line went dead and I called again. I must have called twenty more times until I finally gave up and let the phone fall to the floor. I wished that just for one time, things would go the way we wanted them to. Life was always so hard. The only thing I could hold onto was Nick. He was always there, never far from where I was hurting. But with him gone, I felt empty. I felt cold. At the worst possible moment, I’d lost him. I knew that without him close to me, the pain would eventually take me over and I would go insane. And as selfish as that sounded, it was true. I needed him like air.

After that, I laid flat against floor for God knows how long. The phone sat beside my head so I could look over at it every few seconds to see if he’d called back.

But I was disappointed every time.

Soon enough, my mind went blank. There was a hard knock at the door. I was too weak to get up and answer it, and the person knocking seemed to realize that. They didn’t knock again. Instead, they swiped their card key and came inside. I half-expected it to be Nick, but I knew I would never get that lucky.

‘Kara!”

I heard Joe’s voice bellow as he came closer towards me.

“Kara, we have to go.”

I felt his arms wrap around me and pick me up, resting me onto the bed. My eyes failed to focus on his face, but I could hear fear in his voice.

“W-where are we going? Did you find him?” I heard myself ask.

“The hospital,” he paused, failing to answer my second question.

I groaned. “What? Joe, I don’t need to go to the hospital. You’re being ridiculous. I’m fine, see?” I stood up. “We need to go look for Nick!”

“Exactly, Kara,” he said, “Nick’s in the hospital. We have to go.”

It was like somebody had just stuck in a knife in my stomach. My breaths seized, my head spun. I couldn’t think.

“What?” I cried, “What do you-What do you mean, he’s in the hospital? Why? Joe, what happened? Why is he there? What the hell happened? Oh, God. Oh, Joe…” I began pacing, feeling breathless and dizzy, “Joe, what… I can’t…”

“Breathe,” he told me, standing and taking my shoulders, “I don’t know. I’m sure he’s fine, but we’ll find out once we get there. Okay?”

I held onto him, afraid I would collapse.

“Joe…” I whispered, barely audible. I was terrified of the question I was about to ask.

He waited.

“Is he…alive?”

I felt his body shiver against me as he clenched his jaw. “Don’t you think that, Kara. Not even for a second. Stop it. You are killing yourself.”

He kissed my forehead roughly and took my hand.

“Don’t do this. If he sees you like this, he’ll hate himself. Be strong.”

Tremors shook every last inch of my body and he fought to steady them.

“I can’t,” I whispered, “I can’t do this, Joe. I love him too much. I can’t…”

“You can,” he assured me. I wanted so much to believe him, but his eyes were just as afraid as mine were. “Now let’s go. Nick’s waiting for us.”

I didn’t bother with anything. I left my phone, my keys, everything. I just laced on my sneakers and ran out as fast as I could, still wearing Nick’s pajamas. His scent filled me with every move I made, producing new tears with every second I was without him. The cold air whipped at my bare legs and I was still sore, my muscles burning every time I moved, but the pain continued to feel good. It helped me keep my sanity from slipping away. Joe and I got into the car and sped to the hospital as fast as we could, our hearts racing the entire way.

I was thankful I had Joe with me. Without him, I knew I would have been screaming and running around the emergency room, lost and confused. He gave the nurse Nick’s name at the counter and she pointed to a room in the far corner. My heart sank further as I ran towards it, crossing my fingers that I would see him there, smiling at me.

I grabbed a handful of the long white curtain and pulled it back as fast as I could.

When I saw him, I screamed.

I would have fallen to my knees if Joe hadn’t caught me from behind. My body felt numb – seeing him lying there was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. There were no words for it.

He was still strapped to the bright yellow stretcher they had brought him in on. He was shirtless, his legs and waist covered with a single white blanket, and his neck was in a brace. Tubes were going in and out of him in every direction. He was covered in blood – thick, crimson blood – and his body was coated with dark bruises and deep cuts. I could barely see his curls through the thick bandage wrapped around his forehead. His eyes were closed and swollen. I could hear my song beating slowly through the heart monitor and see his chest rise and fall in sync with the respirator. The only thing he was wearing was his dog tag, peeking out from underneath the brace.

He was barely alive.

And as I stared at him in shock, so was I.