Here Comes the Sun

I had no idea what I was doing as I walked out of that bedroom, leaving Nick behind without him even knowing. My logic made sense in my head. If I stuck around with the Jonases for any longer, I’d wreak havoc on everything they’d worked so hard so build. If I left, I’d have nowhere to go, but at least my problems would be my own.

I knocked softly on the door down the hall, preparing myself to be disappointed long before I even got to explain to him. He opened it sleepily, peering at me through groggy eyes.

“What’s wrong?” was the first thing he said. It hurt me to think that question was the first thing that came to mind whenever he saw me. Nothing was ever right with me.

My eyes fell on the uneven ridges of his scarred hand as he rubbed his eye, and I knew I was doing the right thing whether he would agree with me or not.

His eyes fell on the suitcase in my hand and he stared at me.

“Don’t,” he whispered.

“I need your help, Joe.”

He shook his head, ignoring my words. “Please don’t.”

I already felt the tears rimming my eyes and my vision got blurry.

“I have to.”

His fingers wrapped around my hand holding the suitcase and he pried it from me, setting it down behind his door and motioning me into the bedroom.

Once the door was shut, he turned to me and pointed a finger. His words came out with frustration.

“You can’t, Kara.”

I knew he was upset by the way he used my real name.

“I have to,” I repeated softly.

“No, you don’t. You don’t have to leave. Why the hell would you even think that?”

I bit down on my lip until it hurt. “I’m going whether you help me or not.”

He looked at me in pain and pulled at his hair.

“Why?” he said after some time.

I approached him and took his hand in mine, smoothing my fingers gingerly over the scars where the glass had tore through his skin. His screams from that day replayed in my head and I shuddered.

“I won’t hurt you again,” I whispered.

He looked into my eyes for a long time before laughing humorlessly.

“All three of us are the same,” he said, “You, me, and Nick. We always think it’s our fault. We always blame ourselves.”

My heart fell at the sound of his name and I tried not to think of how badly I wanted to run to him.

He pointed to his hand. “You didn’t do this.”

“I was the reason it happened. I was the reason all of this happened.”

“You can’t just go,” he pleaded, “We love you here.”

He was making it so much harder than I expected.

“Think of how everyone would feel in the morning when they wake up and find you gone.”

I looked down at the floor in shame.

“Do you realize how much this would hurt Nick?”

“You don’t think it kills me inside to have to leave? To have to leave him especially, Joe?” I took a deep, unsteady breath. “I’ve hurt him too many times already. This will be the last time.”

“You have it all wrong, Kara,” he said, shaking his head.

“I told you I’m going with or without your help. Without would take longer.”

He sighed. “I’m not letting you leave.”

“Fine.” I reached for the suitcase and my hand fell on the doorknob.

“Where would you go?”

I kept my eyes on the door, unable to look at his face out of disappointment.

“I don’t know,” I said.

“What about Layla?”

“I’m taking her with me.” I would be lying if I said I didn’t want Layla to stay with them where she’d be cared for and loved, but I couldn’t bear to live without her, even if I intended to return someday.

“You don’t even know where you’re going, Kara.”

“I’ll figure something out.”

“This is ridiculous. You’re being ridiculous.”

I could tell he was trying to believe what he was saying. He was trying to sound convincing. But all he resembled was weakness. All he did was beg me to stay.

“You can’t go,” he whimpered, “Please, Kara. I’ll do anything. Stay for us.”

I knew that if I turned around and looked at that face, I would change my mind. So I didn’t. I turned the knob and prepared to walk out.

“Wait,” he spoke up, approaching me.

I paused in front of my bedroom door where I was going to retrieve Layla.

“I’ll help you.”

--------------------------------------

On the plane, I felt relief.

Layla peered up at me from her protective seat and I reached down to kiss her forehead, knowing that somehow we were going to be alright.

Joe had sent us on the private jet to Mandy’s house in Jersey. He did so reluctantly, but it was more than I could have asked for.

“If you have to leave, I’d rather you be in safe hands,” he had told me as he held me in his arms before we boarded, “I still think you’re being absolutely stupid.”

I had ignored his remarks. “What will you do if they ask you where you’ve been?”

He had looked at me, smirking. “I’ll tell them I was coerced by a lunatic.”

As I stared into Layla’s big brown eyes, I thought of everything I was leaving behind. I remembered our flight to California all those months ago. I remembered how little we stayed before Jersey called us back and everything fell apart again. I had ruined their California dreams with my crazy life. I wasn’t going to anymore.

--------------------------------

“Kara, this is ridiculous.”

It stilled amazed me how alike Joe and Mandy acted.

She sat next to me on her bed as I fed an extremely restless Layla in my arms. She’d picked me up from the airport just like Joe had promised. I smiled at the idea that he’d gone through all that trouble in a matter of hours just to ensure our safety. He wouldn’t risk the awkwardness of talking to Mandy for just anyone.

“You have to go back,” she went on after handing me a small towel to clean Layla’s face, “You shouldn’t have even come.”

“I’ll go if I’m not welcome here.”

“You know you’re always welcome here. How many times have I told you?”

I remained silent, getting up to walk around the room with the baby.

“You just can’t leave them hanging like that. They’re going to be so worried about you. I’m surprised your phone isn’t ringing off the hook.”

“I turned it off,” I said quietly, placing Layla back into her carrier.

She groaned. “Kara…”

“Look,” I said, turning around to face her, “I get that you think what I’m doing is wrong. I get that everyone probably thinks that. But I know this is the right thing to do. Just a little while ago, Nick was lying on that exact same bed you’re on right now barely able to move. Joe punched through a window to save me and now his hand is ruined forever. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’ve just had enough of all this, but I know that they never deserved any of it. I came barging into their lives and took everything from them. This way, no matter what happens, at least they’re safe.”

She looked at me for a long time. Then her eyes moved to the bed she sat on and I knew she was thinking about all those bloody sheets she had to clean. She turned to me and nodded.

“I get it,” she said in a soft voice, “I do.”

But I knew that deep down, she didn’t have a clue.

------------------------

Days went by at Mandy’s and each day was a struggle. I was constantly battling my emotions, trying to balance the guilt I felt for hurting the family I never deserved, the desire I had to drop everything to go home, and the understanding that they were better off without me at least for a little while.

The nightmares were never-ending. Those same blood-curdling images invaded my thoughts even while I was awake despite being away from Nick. I saw them everywhere and I had given up trying to get rid of them.

Layla barely ever slept. She would cry for hours, making me sad and frustrated. Mandy did more for me than I asked; she would walk around the apartment with Layla in her arms while my nightmarish screaming woke her up in the middle of the night, she would force me to eat every meal of every day, and she would rarely ever leave me alone. When I would ask her why, she’d simply say, “I’m just worried about you.”

Something strange about being in Jersey again frightened me. The idea of being in the same state as him made me shudder, but at least he was near me instead of near Nick and his family.

I went to the graveyard on an early Saturday morning. Mandy had insisted on coming with me, but I told her it was something I needed to do alone. I left Layla in her capable hands and borrowed her car. After picking up a bouquet of daisies, I arrived at and remembered exactly where he was buried.

I sat down on my knees in front of the tombstone that read Maxwell Anthony Chanel and delicately placed the bouquet down. My heart felt heavy as the realization that I was visiting my brother’s grave sunk in and I pulled nervously at the grass.

People always talk to the person when they visit their grave. I always saw it on television or in the movies or wherever. That’s just what you’re supposed to do. But I couldn’t bear to form words. I knew he wasn’t there to hear me, so why try?

I thought about how our lives used to be. How painful everything had been and was continuing to be. I thought too much.

“It’s okay to tell him you miss him,” I heard a voice say from behind me, “And that you love him.”

I turned around almost in fear and saw him.

“Nick.”