Here Comes the Sun

Hurriedly, I wiped whatever tears had built up in my eyes for Max and rose to my feet. I turned around to face him and couldn’t stand to look him in the eye.

To my own surprise, I wasn’t surprised he showed up.

In fact, I was almost happy to see him.

But only almost. I silently scolded him for making my plans that much more difficult.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, staring down at my sneakers.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

I shivered with shame. His voice sounded nothing but hurt.

“I woke up and you were gone,” he went on, “Layla was gone, too. Do you have any idea how scared I was?”

I tried not to imagine the scene of the entire family waking up to my absence. The guilt he made me feel made my reasons for leaving sound ridiculous, just like Joe and Mandy had said, and I couldn’t have that.

“You shouldn’t be here,” I said quietly.

“It’s been almost two weeks, Kara. Two weeks. Without a single word from you. My mom didn’t sleep for days worrying about you. If you needed time to be alone, you could’ve just asked.”

I scoffed and finally looked at his face.

“You think this is about wanting ‘alone time’?” My voice was thick as I tried not to break down. His eyes were red and puffy as if he’d been crying for a long time.

“I could tell you’ve been having a hard time lately,” he replied, “It’s okay to be alone for a while and come back when you’re ready.”

“I’m not coming back, Nick.”

His eyebrows creased in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t come back.”

“Yes, you can. Whenever you want.”

I was frustrated because he just didn’t understand.

“I left for good. I’m staying here with Mandy until I can get a place of my own somewhere. I’m not coming back with you.”

He looked as though I had just stabbed him in the back.

“You’re joking, right? This is a prank.”

Slowly, I shook my head. “No, Nick.”

He was silent for a few moments while the realization of the situation settled in, all the while my heart stung with guilt for hurting him so badly.

“What about the case? All of Alyssa’s work? You can’t do it alone. And what about Layla? She’s part of our family. And…and so are you.”

The tears were streaming down my face quicker than I anticipated, and I struggled to keep my voice steady.

“You’ve all been the best family I could ask for,” I said, “And I’ve given you nothing but pain.”

He threw his head back at the sky in anger. “No, that’s not—"

“It is true. And I’m stopping it from happening anymore.”

He didn’t say anything for a long while, and I could tell he knew he couldn’t convince me. He looked at me through glassy eyes that pierced me with guilt.

“Don’t you miss us?” he asked me, “Don’t you miss me?”

At that point, I had to fight that reoccurring urge I’d been feeling for days to run to him and have him take me in his arms again. I had to fight it stronger than I ever had.

“I love you,” I said, not caring that my voice was breaking, “I love you so much, Nick. And of course, I miss you. I miss you every single minute of every single day. That’s why I’m doing this. Because I care about you so much that I can’t stand to be the reason you and your family hurt anymore.”

“We hurt because we love you! You can never change that even if you do leave.”

I shook my head. “I already left, Nick. I’m gone. You can’t bring me back.”

“Jersey is dangerous.”

“I don’t care.”

“Kara, you can die!” he yelled.

“I don’t care! If I have to die to keep you safe, I will.”

“No,”he snapped, “Don’t you ever say that, Kara. Ever.”

My eyes stung and my hands started to shake as I thought about what I was about to do. It was the last thing I ever wanted, but I knew it was the only way he would take me seriously.
I reached for my finger and pulled off the promise ring he’d given me all those months ago. I could feel his eyes on me as I did it.

“Please don’t…” he whispered.

I approached him and put the ring in his palm, never once looking him in the eye.

“I’m sorry,” I pleaded, “I’m so sorry.”

I began to walk around him to leave, my legs feeling weak the entire time, and I must have gotten about five feet away when he spoke again.

“If you’re not going home, then neither am I.”

I should have seen that coming.

“You have to let me go,” I replied.

“No.”

“You have fans and a career and a life outside of me.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m not leaving without you and Layla.”

I sighed, out of reasons to use against him. I didn’t take him completely seriously. I knew Charlene would get angry and call him home immediately, so I didn’t worry.

“How did you find out where I was?” I asked.

He answered in a low but almost proud tone. “Joe.”

I sighed and continued walking.

-----

When I got back to Mandy’s place, I felt stupid for believing that Joe wouldn’t tell Nick all about what I had done. Mandy even knew Nick was coming judging by her hopeful expression when I walked through the door.

“Did you see him?” she asked, jumping up from her place on the couch.

I ignored her, marching towards the bedroom. I heard the door swing open again and knew Nick had followed me.

“Yeah, she saw me,” he answered Mandy.

Bitterly, I entered the room and hovered over Layla, surprised that she was still awake. I took her into my arms as Mandy came in after me.

“So?” she questioned what had happened back at the cemetery.

“You didn’t need to tell him where I was,” I snapped, “I was talking to my dead brother. I wanted privacy.”

I could tell my words had startled her.

“I didn’t,” she said quietly.

“Then how did he find me?”

She took a deep breath and sat down on the bed, facing me.

“When Joe called me and told me you were coming, he also said Nick might be showing up later, too. I just said okay. I didn’t know what was going on, Kara.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Nick called right before you left to see Max,” she went on, “I told him you weren’t here. That you’d gone out. He said he knew where to find you and hung up. I swear I didn’t tell him.”

I didn’t want to believe that Nick knew me that well, but he did and I couldn’t deny it.

“But honestly, Kara, what’s so bad about having him here?”

I rolled my eyes, not feeling up to explaining something I had explained to everyone so many times already.

Nobody understood what I was going through. What I had been through the past year. Nobody got it no matter how hard I tried to explain it, and I felt alone. I knew it was my fault. Everything was always my fault.

I ended up staying in that bedroom for the rest of the day, isolating myself completely. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Nothing was going the way I planned. Even Layla went against me, refusing to fall asleep for even a second.

“Lay, please don’t do this to me,” I begged as she wailed in loud cries, “Please don’t.”

I gave up after the sixth hour of failed attempts, laying back on the bed and pressing a pillow to my face in frustration.

Soon after, I heard the door open gently and Layla stopped crying for a moment.

“Hey, beautiful,” I heard a whisper and knew it was Nick, so I pretended to be asleep, “Come with me and let’s let mommy sleep.”

He left the room quietly, and I tried so hard not to cry.

-----

I never fell asleep that night. It wasn’t surprising because I never fell asleep any night. I just remained awake, staring up at the ceiling, trying not to eavesdrop as Nick and Mandy talked about me from the living room.

After a long time, one of them opened my door and called my name softly.

I sat up and saw Mandy looking back at me apprehensively from the doorway with her cell phone pressed against her chest.

“Someone’s on the phone for you,” she said.

I nodded and she handed it to me before leaving me to my privacy.

“Hello?” I spoke into the receiver.

“Hi, Kara. It’s Alyssa.”

I hoped she didn’t call to lecture me too.

“I need you to come down to the station tomorrow,” she went on when I didn’t respond, “I don’t want to alarm you, but it’s an emergency.”

My heart began to speed up. I didn’t need more bad news.

“I can come now.”

“No, it’s alright. It can wait until the morning.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

We muttered our goodbyes before I hung up the phone and spotted Nick watching me from the door.

“It was Alyssa,” I said, answering his unspoken question.

“Is everything okay?”

I shrugged. “She wants to see me tomorrow.”

“I’ll go with you.”

I turned to him, feeling the most helpless I had ever felt.

“There’s no use trying to convince you otherwise, is there?” I asked, “For any of this.”

He shook his head. If it were any other situation, he’d be grinning with pride at finally winning.

But he showed me nothing but sadness.

“I’m here whether you want me to be or not, Kara.”

I nodded, accepting the fact that there was nothing I could do, but still content knowing there was no chance he could stay for more than a few days. Not if Charlene had anything to say about it.

I stared down at the floor as he approached me, taking a seat on the bed beside me.

“I came because I love you and I know you love me, too,” he said, moving a few curls away from my neck, “And I’ll be here until you tell me you don’t anymore.”

I didn’t have the courage to tell him that day would never come, so I stayed quiet and let my head fall against his shoulder. He had a plan. I could admit it was a good one. To come to me and convince me to go home, and when that failed, to stay until I cracked. But I saw the flaw. I saw the fans and the publicity and I was content, knowing eventually his plan would fail and mine wouldn’t.