Me and My Cinderella

I sat in front of Hayley's grave; pondering, wondering how any of this wasn't my fault. It's true, what they say about guilt eating at you. Guilt has been eating at me for years; three to be exact. Three years since the love of my life killed herself and it's all because of me.

My heart felt heavy; the microscopic pieces that I had worked so hard on putting together came apart once I laid eyes on the beautiful granite tombstone. If I had just told her how I really felt, I probably would not be sitting here, looking through god-awful trees wondering, waiting for a better explanation. But sitting there, made me think of the night I found her.

*Flashback*

We had just got back from out European tour; the guys wanted to go for drinks to celebrate, but Hayley said she was going home. We all had noticed that she had been acting kind of off to say the least, during the last leg of the tour. But none of us thought anything of it. And lucky me; I was nominated to go check on her... even if we were broke up.

"Hayley?" I called as I walked into her living room. "Hayley?" Still no answer. The small kitchen light was hardly illuminating the small apartment. And yet something caught my eye; a thin stream of light, beaming from under her bedroom door. I slowly walked towards the door and something in my gut told me that she hadn't fallen asleep writing again. That something was terribly wrong.

"Hayley?" I whispered as I opened the wooden door. My eyes weren't prepared for the vision I saw. Hayley was sprawled out on her bed, blood soaked sheets lay beneath her. A razor blade was shining a silvery-red on the night stand, along side a piece of paper. I was frozen; I didn't know what to do first.

Quickly, I scrambled my brain for the first time in a long time. I ran over to Hayley's side, placing my fingers on her neck trying to find a pulse, but all I found was the coldness of her skin against my burning flesh. Hot, salty tears of pain and sorrow filled my ducts as I feel to my knees.

"No, no, no. Hayley, please wake up!" I smacked her cheek, but he head hardly moved. "No, no, no." I sobbed. She was dead, she had killed herself; all four cuts were made deep, rigid and right on her vein. She looked so broken yet so peaceful. THE NOTE.The note flashed across my mind and I scrambled to my feet, and hastily walked to the other side of the bed.

Reading the note would only bring me pain; pain that surely wouldn't go away.

"Josh" The note read on the outside. She knew I would be the one to find it.
My Dearest Josh,
If you're reading this, then the unspeakable has happened. I'm going away now, please don't follow me. I couldn't bare to live in a world where we're not together any longer. I've heard that this life and pain is just a compromise but it's the compromise I can't deal with. I only ever wanted you Josh, and when you left I just fell off a cliff and hit rock bottom. You never paid any attention to me except when it was necessary like on stage and when the cameras were around. The only thing I wanted most, was my Prince Charming to come save me...but I didn't even get that. I'm sorry Josh, but I couldn't do this anymore. I hope you and God forgive me.

Love,
Hayley.

I had caused this; I was the reason she was dead. And all the while I could have prevented it. If I had just sat down and talked to her she'd more than likely be alive.

*End Flashback*

The memory brought tears to my eyes. The hot, salty liquid ran slowly down my cheeks.

"Why Hayley? Why didn't you just talk to me?" My voice was barely over a whisper. "I miss you." It was true, I did miss Hayley more than anything. I missed her goofy grin, her voice saying my name, her touch...every little imperfection she had. I especially missed her beautiful face.

"Hayley, I wish we tried a little harder. I know nothing is forever, but there's got to be something better than this... this pain I continuously feel." I honestly wished I could go back to the last few months we were together.

*Flashback*

Hayley and I were at a small park near her apartment. We had been laying in the grass, looking into the sky for hours. Hayley had her head on my chest, my fingers were runly gently through her long red and orange hair.

"Hey Josh?" She raised her head and looked down at me.

"What baby?" I asked running my hand slowly down her back.

"You're my Prince Charming." She stated as serious as ever. I smiled up at my beautiful girlfriend and leaned up, pressing my lips to her soft pink ones.

"Then I guess you're my Cinderella." Hayley blushed and peck my lips.

"Better be...Prince Charming."

*End Flashback

That was one of the last times we were actually happy together. God I felt like such an idiot for not noticing the signs sooner. Hell, I should have noticed once I read the lyrics she wrote...but even I can so damn blind.

I couldn't stand it sit there any longer. Slowly I rose from my seat on the ground and headed towards my old beat up truck. I slammed the door and stuck the key in the ignition. Hastily I turned the key, but the engine wouldn't start.

"DAMMIT!" I yelled, smacking the steering wheel.

"DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT!" I yelled more tears forming in my eyes. Even through the tears I could see the mess I'd made of my truck. Wine bottles and empty cigarette cartons filled the cab, leaving the faint smell of both. It'd been like that for years though, I doubt it would change.

The world seems so lonely without Hayley; I can be standing in a crowd full of people but I still feel so alone. Silence has become so loud and noise has never been so silent. I feel like I'm somebody else; like I'm an entirely different person but I haven't changed. I'm still the same 'ole Josh Farro.

Nonetheless, if anything has become certain since Hayley's death...it's the fact that it's killing me, more than anything in this world. And with that, I turned the key again (The truck actually started this time) took my memories of my Cinderella and I, and drove off into the dark with one headlight.